Name: Understanding
By: starwarsfan12
Rating: K+ or PG
Genre: Angst?
Category: Jedi Apprentice
Summary: Set during TPM. In the confusion that surrounds Obi-Wan after Qui-Gon's death, he is lost and everyone avoids him. Now he turns to the one person that understands……
Notes: My first Star Wars fanfic…..(I've written other stories for other categories, but under a different user name) So please be patient as I give the fanfiction world my attempts at writing.
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He didn't want to leave Qui-Gon's body. Not even an army of droidekas could have pried his fingers from the limp hand. How long he sat there, he had no idea, for time seemed to be frozen on one instant.
All too soon, the Jedi arrived. They gathered around the walls of the power core, staying at the perimeter. Obi-Wan did not acknowledge them, for an invisible shield seemed to have gone up between him and the other Jedi.
Master Yoda entered, the first one to approach the broken Padawan. "Come with us, you must," he said. But nothing could make Obi-Wan let go.
A very small, warm hand encircled his and a sweet feminine voice said, " Come on Obi-Wan. Let's go." He turned to see his friend Bant kneeling beside him, while Garen stood beside her. Reeft stood farther back, farther away.
Slowly, Obi-Wan loosened his grip on his Master's hand, letting each digit slide through his own. Then the hand fell to the floor, never to rise again.
Obi-Wan broke free of Bant's hold, standing up slowly. The other Jedi shifted, as if to move away from him. Reeft had fallen back to join their ranks, while Garen stood on the borderline.
"I'm so sorry Obi-Wan," Garen said, not meeting his friend's gaze.
Words tugged at Obi-Wan's lips. The urge to respond became so overpowering that his already exhausted mind started to spin.
"I am too." It was a standard response, all emotion now hidden behind a blank, unreadable mask. The Jedi watched him, unsure of how to talk to him. Yoda watched him as if the see beyond the smooth façade.
He couldn't face those eyes, couldn't stand their side glances and constant avoidance. And so, Obi-Wan did the only thing he could do. He turned and walked away.
Back in his room, he flung himself down on the sleep-couch. Tears threatened to fall from his blue eyes as the rebellious Padawan blinked rapidly, trying to suppress his emotions.
What made the loss of Qui-Gon even worse was the Jedi's attitude. Even those whom he had considered his friends had hung back, viewing him has tainted, unclean. Other Jedi moved aside when he saw them, and of all the people present, only Bant had the courage to touch him.
Obi-Wan wondered about his Mon Calamarian friend. Had she too been viewed as an abomination when Tahl died, a Padawan without a Master? How had she survived, how had she crossed the gaping chasm that now seemed to separate him from the entire universe?
But night came and Obi-Wan still had not moved from his sleep-couch. The normally restful sleep that inhabited him was replaced by nightmares of a shadowy figure with yellow eyes. Again and again, he saw the red lightsaber cut his Master down.
Obi-Wan awoke slowly the next morning, feeling a cool weight on his forehead. Bant sat with her back to him, wringing out a washcloth over a silver basin.
"What are you doing?" he asked, eyes still blurred with sleep.
Her worried expression changed to one of relief as she watched him finally awake. "Garen and I were sitting up with you during the night," she calmly explained. Looking past her, Obi-Wan could see the body of his friend sprawled out asleep on the opposite couch.
"Did you have nightmares?" she asked, looking down at her friend. Obi-Wan didn't respond. He couldn't describe the feeling of ultimate death and despair he had experienced in his dreams.
Bant looked down at the washcloth she was holding. "You were moaning in your sleep," she said. "Groaning and thrashing. And I heard you calling for Qui-Gon – "
"I'm fine!" His harsh words cut off her soft voice. Her eyes were wide, but her face was otherwise calm.
"You're not fine," she stated, looking into his eyes. "You're suffering, feeling so much pain that you wish that you were the one killed instead."
Obi-Wan didn't reply. Her well-chosen words described exactly what he was feeling.
"Obi-Wan," Bant's pleading made him look up. "Talk to someone. If not to me, then Garen, or Yoda. Just tell someone how you feel."
"I don't need to talk to anyone!" Obi-Wan's words came out harsher than he intended, but he didn't care. "Nobody can help me, no one!" He was dimly aware of standing, but having absolutely no recollection of having done so.
"Everyone feels pain like this, Obi-Wan," Bant said. "You have to remember that!"
He froze as the full impact of her words hit him. Part of him wanted to apologize, but the angry side of him couldn't be stopped. "You think that you know what I'm feeling?" Obi-Wan burst out. "Did you watch your master fall at the hands of the Sith? Did you even hold your master in your arms when she died? Tahl was nothing to you, you didn't share the same bond that Qui-Gon and I did!"
The moment the words had left his mouth, he wished that he could take them all back. He expected Bant to be angry, to shout at him for insulting her former Master. But to his great surprise, Bant broke out in a smile.
"Doesn't it feel better to talk about it?" she asked, her sweet voice filling the room.
Obi-Wan was definitely surprised. Why wasn't Bant mad at him? His eyes swept over her face, searching for feelings of anger and resentment.
But her silver eyes were full of understanding and warmth, none of the emotions he had expected to see. Her face was calm and composed, despite his vile outburst moments before.
How did she maintain serenity when Tahl was killed? How did she move on with her life, even though her Master would never live again? How did her eyes manage to portray such calm? She seemed to be the one anchor, the one way he could receive the answer of how to go on.
"Tell me your secret," he whispered, pressing his forehead against hers while always holding her eyes in his vision. "How do you do that?"
Her eyes were marred with confusion. "Do what?" she asked, a puzzled expression on her face.
"How can you live knowing that your Master will never wake? How do you go on, knowing that you'll never see him again? How do you forget, while still remembering?"
She sighed, and Obi-Wan could feel her warm breath on his lips. "Every day I miss Tahl, every day I think of her. But you can't dwell on what could have happened, can't focus on the past at the cost of forgetting the future. You have to let go."
"But all that time, all those memories……." Obi-Wan trailed off.
"Whenever you remember Qui-Gon, remember him with fondness, not with pain. Besides," she whispered, a small smile tugging on her lips. "They're not really gone."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Qui-Gon and Tahl," Bant said, using complex arm movements. "They're not truly gone. They still live. They're always with us, through the Force. You have to stop thinking about what would have happened if you were just a bit stronger, just a bit faster, if Fate had been just a little different. Let go."
Tears leaked out of his bright blue eyes as he listened to her word. He couldn't meet her gaze.
"Obi-Wan, just let him go," Bant whispered, holding his face in her hands.
"I don't want to forget," he mumbled, head bowed s more tears fell.
"You won't," Bant said. "Trust me."
"But – "
"Obi-Wan, listen to me," Bant's normally peaceful voice resonated authority with every syllable. "Is this what Qui-Gon would have wanted? To have you wallow in the past like this? Or would he have wanted you to be strong for Anakin, and all the others that need you?"
Obi-Wan sighed loudly. In his heart, he knew Bant was right. He had to be strong and carry on. "Let go," he whispered to himself. "Let me accept Qui-Gon's death and let him be one with the Force."
He would be strong, train Anakin to the best of his abilities, as Qui-Gon had instructed him to do. He had to carry on, so that Qui-Gon could continue to live through him.
A tremendous feeling of relief swept through Obi-Wan and he hugged Bant tightly. "Thank you," he whispered in her ear, "for helping me," And Bant, feeling his presence in the Force, knew that he spoke the truth.
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Finished On: Friday November 4, 2005, 10:12 AM Pacific Coast Time
Closing Remarks: I haven't read the Jedi Apprentice books for a while (somebody keeps taking all the ones from the library) so I'm sorry if some things are wrong. Please leave me a review!