Chapter 4 – You're only almost here

Hermione Granger's dairy:

Dear Dairy 2 September – 1997

Uh I don't know where to begin… Today was a very strange day. Hmm… Let's take it from the beginning…

I had potions as first class today; it was just like every single potion class except that Sev, sorry, Snape told me I was good at making potions… I mean, he never encourages anyone! That's weird.

After that lesson, I was called to the headmaster's office, with Snape (!)… Probably the worse thing that could happen happened! Snape's going to be my guard, because Dumbledore thinks you-know-who wants to capture me… So I've got to live in Snape's quarters from this day…

So, now I'm sitting here, in this empty room, in Snape's quarters, writing. This room is pretty nice though... Not as I'd expected anyways.

He, Severus, was in here for like 15 minutes ago. He was acting strange, really strange. He asked me about last evening, when I was going to… Anyways, the weirdest thing is that he seemed to care, about me… That's weird. Really weird. It will be interesting if I get to know another Severus than the ice-cold man. I don't think he is that cold deep inside, somewhere deep inside him there must be something nice. Whoa, this sounds like a poem or something… hehe… Well, he made me tell me about my life, maybe I can make him to tell me about his life, because that would be really interesting.

For Merlin's sake, why am I writing this much about him of all people? I don't even like him… Not at all!

All this is so crazy. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of my life, of everything.

Mum once said that I would find the light where I at least expected it. I just don't know where.

I just hope I'll find it soon. Really soon.

I can't stand this life anymore… If it won't be better I can always leave it. Or I could. Now I've promised Severus not to thinking of do it again… Anyways, since when do I have to listen to him? But maybe I could wait… I just don't know for how long, because I'm really tired of living my life like this.

I think I shall go to bed now. Time's nearly 11 pm and I'm quite tired. And I don't want Severus to be angry with me for staying up too late. Huh? I wrote wrong. Damn, this is ink! What I meant was that I have to go to bed now because I'm tired. Not cause of other reasons.

See you tomorrow!

Love, Hermione

Hermione put the little, blue, book on her bedside table and turned off the lamp. The bed was warm and cosy but she felt cold. As she always did nowadays. Her body was relaxed but her brain was thinking as much as ever. 99 of her thoughts were about Severus, and the rest 1 were about why she was thinking about him… Her thoughts almost drove her crazy, and she didn't know why she was thinking so much about him… He was just a teacher after all. Nothing more, she thought and felt disappointed. But she didn't know why…

Finally she fell into a worried sleep full of dreams.

"Good morning, Sir, I mean Severus." Hermione yawned as she saw Severus sitting in the living room.

"Good morning, Hermione. I think we shall go to breakfast now, since I mustn't leave you, we will have to eat each meal in the same time. Get it? Now, come. I don't wanna stay here all day. Ladies first." Severus muttered and gestured to Hermione to walk in to his office, and then he followed her. "Quickly. May I remind you that I have lessons soon?" He pushed her shoulder, to make her go faster, and felt a strange feeling that he hadn't felt for many years…

"And so do I." Hermione blinked at him. Why didn't Severus let her shoulder go? Not as it felt bad, not at all. She just didn't dare to say she liked it. That was wrong phrase to say to a teacher, completely wrong.

"I wonder why Dumbledore chose you as my guard…" Hermione said, thinking the same thing.

"And so do I. But now when it is like this and we can just do the best of it. Even if it's you, I have to follow my orders from the Headmaster, after all."
Hermione nodded in agreement. "Um. Do you have to follow me around the castle after school too? Do you have to accompany me in the Common room later?" She asked.

"Unfortunately, yes. Just to your knowledge, I dislike this situation as much as you do." He lied and whole his energy was focused on hiding his feelings. His rigid face stared at Hermione; her movements had never seemed so graceful before. Suddenly he became aware of all his movements, like he didn't want to do anything wrong. He knew that all he wanted was to pull her in to a hug, but that was impossible. After all, he'd promised himself not to fall in love again. Promises were made to be followed.

"Hey guys!" Hermione greeted with a sigh and sat down next to Ron and Harry.

The Great Hall was full of students, as always at breakfast-time. Students from all houses went in and out of the huge doors all the time and made the room hard to speak in because the sound was so loud.

"Hi Herm…" Ron said while eating a big sandwich.

"Morning 'Mione. How was the first night, down there?" Harry asked.

"Is a punishment for him in a need? Shall I punch him for you? I'd love that." Ron joked and laughed.

"Of course not you silly idiot. Um, it was okay. I did just see him the first two minutes. Then he was inside his room all by himself I guess.." Hermione lied quickly while making a sandwich.

"Um Herm? Why was his hand on your shoulder?" Harry asked thoughtfully.

"Oh well." 'Why in the bloody hell did they have to notice?' she thought. "Uh, he just you know, I guess he takes this guard-thing really serious, though I don't know why." She laughed nervously.

"Ah okay. We just don't want you to have boring down there. Are you sure I don't need to punch him? It would be fun, totally bloody crazy. We could like play a prank on him. Like if…" Ron laughed, quite satisfied with the thought.

"Aww Stop being so damn childish! I'm not going to play a prank on him, why would I do that? He's not that awful. Just because he dislikes you doesn't mean you have to destroy his life."
"Oh. Not like he wouldn't hesitate to do anything to make our lives worse. Hey why do you defend him?" Harry laughed scornfully and took a big gulp of his pumpkin juice.

"For God's bloody sake. You guys are 16, but you act like a 9-year-old. I want to be head girl next year, and I don't wanna ruin my abilities to become one, just 'cause of your stupid prank. And, if he would find out, these weeks would be much worse for me. I'm not defending anyone; I just like to live my life fair. I just don't think a prank would be better for anyone. Now please excuse me. I gotta go." She stood up as she saw Severus walking towards her.