QUIET

I am standing here wanting for mourning. But, I cannot, I don't feel. Is this what Jedi stoicism is? But it is so uneasy. This quiet, this non-feeling. It is so wrong, So cold, So heartless. This is not what I have strived for, for so long. yes it is. This quiet, inside. I feel so impartial, or maybe I don't. even my fingers feel numb, my entire being is numb.

I am standing here waiting for morning. Where is the sun? it seems to have been dark for way to long. I almost have to wonder if this planet is now as dead as its inhabitants. Perhaps the sun wont come up today. Perhaps, I can just stay here and wait for the morning that will never come. If daylight has ceased than I don't have to go. I can just stay. Staying is not an option.

There is the sun. I see it now, in its orangeish hue rising in the west. I have to go now. I have to go into the city. I need to find the spaceport. It is north. I must go north. I need to go north. I'm not moving. I stand up, try to take a step forward. Nothing.

Looking into the dimly lit sky I try to take a step, but my feet won't budge. It is as if my boots have been glued down to this soil. Don't they know I need to go, get away from here and everything. Find someplace where the people are not dead.

I need to be with the living. It isn't as if I have ever been strong with the living force, and here were there is none at all. Where the force is so fractured that I cannot take a step forward to save myself from this madness. This quiet madness. This deafening sense of insanity.

I sit back down and not-cry. I want to, but I cant. I tears wont leave my eyes. The same way my feet wont leave the ground. "PLEASE" I say quietly, no more than a whisper, almost a wordless cry. I just need something, anything.

I close my eyes and stand back up. Take one foot lift it off the ground. Step. I am careful to monitor my breathing. In out, take a step. I keep my eyes closed. I take another step. Slowly I move forward. Extending my fractured senses to look at the world around me. And keep my eyes closed. I can do this. I keep moving. I keep my eyes sealed shut. Step step. It is slow movement, but I am going, am moving, am walking.

I stop. The air is funny, the stench horrendous. I open my eyes. Close them, you don't need to look, stop. I look. Bodies, hundreds of bodies. All piled on top of each other, half rotten with the sun. I try not to look, the masses of people, young and old. All dead.

I try to breath, but all that fills my lungs is the stench. The air is so thick with it. It sickens me, my entire body reacting until the last vestiges of food are emptied from my stomach.

I need to go, away from this place. I run. I run fast. I run until all of my energy is gone. I run. Then I stop. I look around me and have no clue where I am.

YEARNING

Sitting down on a large bolder I try to think. Try to triangulate my position. But I am lost. I haven't looked anywhere but forward for hours. And around me is nothing but trees. There are no markers, no nothing just trees. Lots and lots of trees.

There is nothing here, and only death elsewhere. This is better than that. Isn't it, better than the mass graves. These trees are not dead, they are alive, still somehow connected to the living force in ways that I can not. It is a sad moment when you envy a tree. But right now I have to.

I have to deal with all these cold thoughts. All the nightmares of what has just gone to past. But they, those trees, don't have to worry about anything. They just are. There is no doubt, no question about the purpose of their existence. They just are. It is that simplicity.

I want that, simplicity. I have too many thoughts to deal with. Too much going on in my head. Even now, where all I feel in the way of the force is splinters and emptiness, I want the easy mindlessness of a tree. But, I'm not a tree, and I cannot be like a tree, I know this. I am a Jedi, perhaps the last Jedi.

Still I yearn to be a tree, simple simplicity. No brain, no decision, just being. isn't that enough? no. Sighing I try to think about my predicament, I am lost. I have no concept of where my destination, there is only these trees and those bodies.

looking in the direction I came from I shake my head. I wont go that way. Better to die here than to go that way. but I can't die, death is not an option. There is no death. I silence my self, try to stop all thought. I will sleep here tonight.

EYES

I lay my head down on a pile of leaves, pull my cloak over me, and let myself drift off. At least here is peace. In sleep all you have is dreams and in dreams you can have anything. My master can be alive, Coruscant could still be reachable. Everything can be normal. Then again, in sleep there are nightmares, however I doubt my worst nightmare could even compare to this reality. Nothing could be worse.

There is water. Blue and fresh. The waves are calming serene. As far as I can see is this great vision of serenity. My heart almost seems to jump a beat, I feel warm, cozy inside. As if this great happiness has engulfed me. My spirit, heart and soul is calm. My mind still, I can feel that great joy that is the force deep inside me. I feel connected to this ocean, to the water, the sky, and the creatures inhabiting its depths. All is whole, all is great. The Force is strong, I am strong. This is my place, my world, my happiness.

Slowly I walk down the beach a great feeling of contentment filling my pores. It is almost as if I am floating, yet at the same time I can feel the warm wet sand between my toes. A smile quarks on my lips. This is nice. This is calm. This is peace.

I turn, look at the land. This is different. The feeling of contentment seems to leave me. I don't know why this seems odd to me. Looking around I try to find it, the some thing there that is watching me. The coldness that is watching me. Looking I see nothing. I can only feel the feeling. The cold dark feeling of reality.

I wake with a straining scream. Looking around I still have the feeling of being watched. It is as if two eyes are watching me. Looking at me, jugging me. Trying to find a method of attack. But, I see nothing. There is only a feeling, a strange cold spot that seems to be watching me.

I stand up and the cold spot seems to stand with me. You're losing it. Closing my eyes, I reach out with my senses and try to locate this spot. This thing watching me. All I sense is blank nothingness, but still at the same time this cold, empty thing seems to be of flesh and blood breathing cold breath.

"hello?" I say, my own voice sounding a bit strange to me. "Hello" I repeat a few minutes later. I am not even sure why. This this, creature, person, spirit frightens me, And here I am calling to it. "Hello?" I say a third time a little bit loader. Perhaps its best I don't say anything. That I just keep my mouth shut and say nothing.

Then again, right now id welcome a Sith lord, just so I would have someone to talk to. "guess you are not going to answer me. that's alright, its always good to talk to some one else. Saves me from talking to myself." I know I sound dumb. I know that this shadow of cold should not be something I want to talk to but I feel so alone. Any company is good, even if it is my shadow.

"alright" I say, "well I'm going back to sleep. Night." I close my eyes again. I don't feel sleepy, but somehow, even if the cold being wanted me dead. I don't think I really would mind. I don't think I would fight or try to stop it. I would die, be one with whatever force that was left in this galaxy. At least then I would have some sense of peace.

Slowly I breath. Counting to 10 with each breath. Allowing sleep to take over me, just as my master taught me. Master, now there is a thought. Force I miss him. He was everything to me. Such a great teacher, and an even greater man. An asset to the order, one of the greatest Jedi ever to live. I smile a little bit just as I finally drift into nothingness.

AWAKE

I wake sometime after the sun has risen. The warm rays of light as they pass through the leaves warm my skin. For just a moment I am able to imagine that everything is right is this world. That the people a living, that the children are playing. I am able to imagine my master and I walking down one of the long temple corridors talking about how close a call this plague really was. How it had overturned a handful of worlds on the outer rim, but thanks to our efforts and those of other Jedi we where able to save the galaxy from such destruction.

Sadly this half dream is quickly shattered and I am thrust right back into this physical nightmare. The nightmare of my reality, of the death, the turmoil and this fractured existence. Why did I have to be the one who lived. The one not to get sick. The one who had to watch and entire planet die right before his eyes and not be able to say or do anything to change it. I was helpless. you still are. I was unable to do anything to help those people. I couldn't even relieve their pain. I had to watch my own master die before me. I had to watch everyone die before me.

Sighing I decide to stop brooding. It is getting me nowhere fast. I need to find that spaceport. I need to be rational. Be a Jedi, I can do this. It's just, I don't really want to either. I don't think I really can. But I must, I must move forward. Must do what I can.

I start to walk, not fast not slow making only the decision to keep going. To not turn around, to not run away despite what I encounter. I am determined. For the first time in days I am awake. My eyes are open. I am Obi-wan Kenobi, I can do this.

So I walk. I move forward, And despite the fact I feel the cold dark eyes watching me still, following me still. I am fine. I am not good, or bad, just fine. That is enough.