Disclaimer: no, don't own the characters.
I CAN FINALLY, FINALLY UPDATE!
Thank you for all the hilarious reviews! I loved them! You all get a cookie! (passes out cookies).
Interesting Pointless Fact; the drow word "xenca' " means "frog guts."
. . . oh, and yes, I realize that several of the characters in this story are . . . ah . . . dead. I have taken the liberty to include them nevertheless! An explanation shall be given in the story . . . and if it doesn't satisfy you, gentle reader, feel free to make one up.
Chapter Two
In Which More People Discover That Something Is Definately Not Right In the World.
Atremis Entreri had gone to sleep worrying about whether or not he would be able to wake up early enough, due to the fact that Jarlaxle, ex-head of Bregan D'aerthe (he'd given it over to Kimmy, ah, er, Kimmuriel in SotS) had returned to Menzoberranzan to help solve a crisis involving a furious Hazanithra Z'raen, a few of the members of Bregan D'aerthe, and, strangely enough,a purple-and-pink lizard gone rogue (members of House Qed'Vursys were suspected, though nothing could be proven). Artemis wanted to wake up early so that he could use a scrying mirror that only worked from 1:00 AM to 3:00 AM. He wanted to scry on Jarlaxle. That can only be expected.
What Artemis Entreri had been expecting when he woke up was to be half-asleep, lying on his own narrow bed in a cheap inn room.
He did not expect to wake up and find himself in a comfortable, plushy bed next to one Cadderly Bonaduce.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
It was Entreri's scream, and it was not. It was not his voice that screamed; nor was it his mouth that he had screamed out of. Gasping, he scrambled out of the bed and to his feet. Panting, he looked down.
And screamed again.
"Danica?" a half-asleep Cadderly rolled over and looked up. "Are you all right?"
Artemis Entreri stared at Cadderly. He gaped at Cadderly. He pressed his hands to his eyes and shook his head frantically.
But there was a problem with that.
The hands were not his hands. The eyes were not his eyes. The head was not his head.
Creepy, eh?
Artemis Entreri had never, ever, in his entire fourty years, expected to wake up in the body of one he hated.
"Danica?" Cadderly reached out to touch Artemis. "What is wrong?"
This was too much. Artemis gaped at Cadderly, jerked away from his touch, and ran, screaming in pure terror, from the room.
"Do you think they know?"
"Of course not! It was a harmless prank, and, after all,the lizard did do it'sjob!"
"It killed three other Z'raens besides the one we wanted to kill, one of them a cleric! Wait . . . harmless?"
"So? Think of it as a bonus."
"When did you ever aim for . . . oh, never mind. I wanted to kill Vynnessia."
"Which one was she? The big one or the ugly one?"
"The stupid one!"
"Ah. I should have known. You always seem to want to kill the stupid one, no variation, no imagination. . . hey, that rhymed. . . no matter, though, our spies in Bregan D'aerthe will bring her ugly corpse to us to dispose of as we will, the nasty gnome-helping name-calling chit."
"I still wanted to kill her. She called me a-"
"Shut up! Someone's coming!"
"Yes mistress."
Wulfgar and Catti-Brie stared at each other from behind the door as the two dark elf females exited the room.
"What was the point in hearing what we just heard?" Wulfgar asked Catti-Brie, his voice a quiet whisper. Catti-Brie shrugged.
Wulfgar shivered as he watched the shoulders of one Jarlaxle rise and fall. It was hard to remember that Catti-Brie, his friend, was inside that body when he looked hard at him . . . er, her. It was also hard to remind himself that he was Wulfgar, when the hands and knees that were shaking were not his own, but slender drow limbs.
It was so odd to move his arm and not feel the weight of his thick, heavy musceles. It was odd to look out of those red drow eyes from a height much shorter than he had always done. It was odd to take a step, and not move as far forward as he usually did.
No. It wasn't odd.
It was just plain weird.
"THIS IS AN UTTER AND COMPLETE CATASTROPHE!" Drizzt yelled in Regis's tiny piping voice. "AN UTTER AND COMPLETE CATASTROPHE, I TELL YOU!"
"WHAT?" Regis, ten feet away, yelled in Drizzt's voice.
"THIS IS HORRIBLE!" Drizzt screamed to the air. "TERRIBLE! ATROCIOUS!"
"WHAT?" Jarlaxle stuck his - er, Catti-Brie's - head next to Regis's. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
"I SO HATE THIS!" Drizzt wailed, waving Regis's plump hands about. "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HOLD A SCIMITAR IN THESE HANDS?"
"HEY!" Regis shrieked over the wind in Drizzt's admirably shrill tones.
"WHY ARE WE YELLING?" Zaknafein stuck his head above Jarlaxle's. "WE'RE ONLY TEN FEET APART!"
"Wait a minute . . . " Regis twisted Drizzt's head to look up at Zak, who was trapped in Bruenor's body. "How are you on top of us?"
Dinin, coming in from the other side, stared at the weird picture of a drow, a female human, and an old dwarf- that is to say, Regis, Jarlaxle, and Zak - standing on top of each other, barely balancing in Icewind Dale's winds. The drow attempted to creep forward, and, due to the bulky human body his was in, failed miserably, but Drizzt was to miserable to notice and the other three were too occupied in balancing to notice.
BOOM!
"Correction." a large green emereld spoke sadly. "The other three were toooccupied losing their balance to notice. So much for the all-knowing emerald who you don't know is narrating. Sorry."
"What?" Regis asked, sprawled beneath Jarlaxle in Catti-Brie's body and Zaknafein in Bruenor's body, his eyes fixed on the foot-long, glowing green emereld.
"Oh, vendui. Did I introduce myself?" the emereld droned on in a bored, female voice. "Of course I didn't. Not to some ma'lai colnbluth like you. Iblith, all of you, iblith! But since I am here, I might as well introduce myself. Or I might not. H'm. Oh, the choices. While I decide wheather or not to decide if I should introduce myself, kindly wonder how it is I am able to speak Common. Such a brutish tongue. Eh, rivvil? Little rivvil, must be a halfling, oh, they dropped me with a halfling, so much for the so-called mercy of Lolth."
Everyone gaped silently at the surprising emereld.
"I know that voice . . . " Drizzt mused to himself, placing his chubby chin in his chubby hand. Dinin, Zaknafein, and Jarlaxle turned to stare at the emereld.
"You probably do." the emerald answered smoothly.
"No, I'm serious, I know that voice." Drizzt took a step towards the emerald.
"Really? Wow, if you hadn't just said that, I would be more amused then I am now." the emerald gave a huge sigh. "Jeez, baby brother, it's not that hard to puzzle out. All you have to do is read the words after the title."
"You know what?" Zak who-was-currently-in-Bruenor's-dwarfy-body came up beside Drizzt. "That voice does sound familiar."
"Males." muttered the emerald to itself. "So predictable."
Dinin's eyes went so very wide. "Oh . . . no . . ." the drow-in-human-body took a good three steps back. "Oh, no . . . Oh, no . . . not you . . ."
"Hi family!" Vierna cooed through the emerald.
"Vierna!" Drizzt cried. "I knew it!"
"Vierna!" Dinin screamed. "Nau! Nau nau nau nau nau nau nau! Not you! Not again!" he dropped to the ground and curled into a fetal position."Don't driderize me, I'll be a good boy, I promise!"
"Vierna?" Zak wondered. "Who is . . ." Jarlaxle slapped Zak across the face. "Idiot, even I know her!"
The others stared blankly.
"No, I'm serious, I don't know who Vierna is!" Zak moaned. Jarlaxle slapped him again.
"My sister!" Drizzt spread his hands wide. "First my daddy, then my brother, then my sister . . . actually, come to think of it, I'm not that happy to see you. Not at all. You nearly destroyed all that I held dear! And you killed Wulfgar!"
"Um, Drizzt, he's hear." Regis jabbed a finger at Dinin, who was stuck in Wulfgar's body. Jarlaxle slapped Regis across the face. "Idiot, that's Dinin."
"Hi y'all." Vierna's voice became monotone. "Jarlaxle, slap that halfling harder if you ever want to get anywhere in life." Jarlaxle grinned and slapped Regis harder, then promptly realized that the action wasn't very characteristic of the oppertunistic Jarlaxle and suddenly stopped. "Drizzt, is it really my fault if your stupid human lackey got in the way of that yochlol?" Drizzt considered and nodded vigerously, but Vierna ignored him and continued."Zaknafein, shame on you, I'm hurt that you don't recognize your own daughter, so I'll just have to stick you at the top of my hit-list." Zak's eyes darted about wildly. That expression looked so strange on him that Drizzt stopped nodding and stared."Dinin, grovel and maybe I won't hurt you. Maybe." Dinin spread out on the floor and whimpered a little. "Everyone else, I don't give a damn who you are, just stay quiet and obedient and we'll all get on fine. Except the halfling currently stuck in my baby brother's body. I don't like you at all. You're number two on my hit list. Under Zak, of course. All clear?"
"Yes ma'am." they all chanted.
"And stop being monotone!" Vierna screamed suddenly, making everyone jump.
"But why are you here?" Drizzt asked suddenly. "Didn't you die?"
"Yes. I did. Painfully. Can we talk about something else? Dying was highly uncomfortable." Vierna's voice adopted an almost motherly tone.
"I would think it would be." Regis muttered at the same time that Zak said, "Yes it was."
"Yep." Vierna's emerald pulsed brighter. "Dinin, I forget if you died or not, but don't answer because I don't care."
"Xas jabbress." Dinin's voice was muffled by the snow. The words yes mistress appeared in black ink on the snow.
"Wow!" Regis stared at them.
"Cool." Jarlaxle nodded as he slapped Regis a third time. "I love this job."
"Anyway, you're not the only ones with bodily problems." Vierna went on sweetly. "Two girls are having similar problems. Find them, and maybe you'll get your answer."
"Why are you helping us?" Drizzt picked up Vierna, cradling the emerald. "Have you-"
"No, Drizzt dear, I'll always belong to the Dark Side." Vierna sighed again. "If only you knew the power of the Dark Side! I would ask you to join me, but I'm dead, and you're too like a paladin for me to get along with you."
"Okay." Drizzt-who-was-trapped-in-Regis's-body nodded.
"Now, we have a long road in front of us!" Vierna's voice was whiplike. "To bed! Now! Chop chop! All of you! Move!"
"But it's noon!" Dinin whined.
"Too bad!" Vierna breathed. "We're starting off bright and early tomorrow on some darn quest for a thing that I, being the cryptic drow female that I am, shall not tell you males anything about. And you'll need new uniforms? Pink, maybe? Green? Blue? Maybe green with pink polkadots. Does that sound fun?"
The others' eyes grew large. Regis whimpered something beneath his breath.
"Too bad." Vierna snarled again to the halfling-in-drow-body. "Now, my minions, go to sleep, or else I'll loose the hordes of rabid fangirls on you!"
At these words, they all dropped immediately, curled into fetal positions, and closed their eyes shut. Drizzt huddled in the snow, along with Regis; the others curled up against the stone. No one moved, though it was bitterly cold.
"I love threats." Vierna would have smiled. But alas, being mouthless, she simply laughed.
hope you liked.