A/N: This update took longer than my previous ones for a number of reasons. I suffered a tiny bit of... er, ok, procrastination. But I was feeling uninspired, and I wanted it to be good- no, great. Stupendous- staggeringly wonderful! Ha... You'll have to read to see how I did. This is a transition chapter, so it talks mostly about (Seto's) feelings. Also, my writing was delayed because I had guard and band camp, and believe me, that is EXHAUSTING. I could barely move, let alone type. Ahh well. All I can say is... Enjoy!
chapter Seven:
Intoxication.
The feel of her-
The taste of him.
Both bodies completely unaware
Of everything except each other.
Twisted-
Mad in their encompassing passions.
Could this be a phase?
Could it really only be a fling?
Something breakable and used?
No.
It is timeless.
Unforgettable.
Because he realizes that he can never-
Ever-
Let her go.
She wasn't sure what to think. Her mind- and her heart- told her that it was better to remain distant from any solid feelings or judgements. The sheer ludicrousness of such a thing happening was jutting out rather prominently in her head, almost as though it was trying to convince her that what had taken place had been something... like a dream.
He wouldn't look at her. Though, she didn't actually realize that because she busied herself with just as adamantly not looking at him. The silence was deafening- booming and echoing around the two as unignorable as the knowledge of what had just passed between them.
The two were still tangled up together, sitting on that big leather couch, her back against his chest. The atmosphere was still warm and tempting, and the air was alive with a mocking sense of knowing exactly what they had done. Formerly, they were enemies; they were perfectly fine with sharing a heated animosity. But something inside both of them snapped. He said it was hormones, and she could only guess that perhaps she just came unglued at the hands of an attractive boy. The truth was, of course, that the attraction had already been there, tainted only by first impressions.
Seto wanted to speak. He wanted to tell her to get the hell out of his home, or else to whisper things that would make her want him even more. The whole issue was swirling around in his mind, a mare's nest of confusion that was quite unsettling. They could be so much more now than what they had been previously. He wasn't sure how he felt about her, and because of that, he chose to go with the most negative point of view possible- it was a mistake, and if anything he was going to despise her more than he had previously.
She sighed unexpectedly, shrugging her shoulders against him restlessly. He tried desperately to pretend he didn't feel anything. He tried to pretend that in just a moment he was going to push her away. But thoughts didn't always translate into actions, and his treacherous hands instead wound themselves around her middle.
Tea felt him pull her closer, and she turned her head to look at him out of the corner of her eye. He just shook his head and looked down past her towards the floor. "We have to... face this eventually," she said. But knowing he would only have some scathing reply she continued, "however, I think that can wait. Just for a little longer, that can wait."
For one instant, he wanted to be something other than the aloof, unfeeling man he was so used to being. For one instant, he genuinely cared about the girl nestled close to his chest. A thousand thoughts flitted across his mind. It made him intensely uncomfortable to even entertain such new, strangely disconcerting notions concerning her. For just one frozen moment, he wanted to... His cheeks came dangerously close to heating up at the very thought.
Then just as suddenly, he seemed to snap back into his ever-familiar mind-frame. He let go of her- with NO TROUBLE at all (he assured himself)- and stood up. He picked up his shirt off the floor, and offered her a hand.
She looked confused for a moment before taking the extended appendage. He pulled her up so she was standing, and then abruptly turned away. A heavy, awkward silence suffused the room, making the girl very, very uncomfortable.
"We didn't finish," Seto said roughly, still turned away from her, obviously unwilling to meet her eyes. "The chemistry. We didn't finish."
She nodded and said, "I know."
More oppressive silence.
Disconcerting, embarrassed-
Silence.
"Well," he snapped impatiently, "you do realize that eventually we have to, don't you?"
Tea realized. But whether he meant finish the project or face what had happened, she wasn't sure.
"I guess... Um, I guess I'll go, alright?"
"Whatever. I don't care." He still wouldn't look at her. It hurt. Barely even a sting, but all the same... It hurt. "Another time, perhaps. We'll complete the assigned work then."
"Yeah. Another time."
She gathered her things together and headed for the library door. She sighed; things certainly had turned out differently than she had expected them to.Everything was still in a whirlwind around her; her mind was unable to adhere to any semblance of real thought, and her heart was staggeringly aware of a new inhabitant- though how he had wormed his way in there in the course of just one afternoon was entirely above her head.
"Goodbye, S-" she bit her lip softly, and looked back at him. He hesitantly turned to face her, and for one fiery moment their eyes met. Not at all eager to break the spell, he found that he actually had to restrain himself from moving closer to her. And then with a whispered "Goodbye," she was gone.
She was... Gone.
"Yeah, we've been working on it pretty hard, but we don't seem to be making much progress."
Tea laughed. "Did you really expect to?"
"I had hoped that maybe we could stay serious, but-" He paused for a brief moment.
"But?" She prompted.
He sighed. "Turns out we can't."At that, she couldn't help but giggle.
Yugi had called her about half an hour earlier, and they had been talking ever since.Something was off about her, though he couldn't seem to put his finger on what it was. They had known each other for years, surely if it were serious, she would confide in him. Talk about school was expected- it was a subject that could span any sort of awkwardness and breached no unsaid barriers. In other words, it was safe.
Tea didn't know that her friend was worried, if the small inkling of concern could indeed be called such. She tried her hardest to sound normal, to sound as though everything were absolutely, positively fine. She failed miserably, but at least she made an effort.
"Well," Yugi said, sensing a dismissal rapidly approaching but still not ready to hang up, "I guess I should let you go. Good luck on your project."
"Thanks Yugi," she replied semi-cheerfully. "I'll talk to you later."
"Um, Tea?" he asked hesitantly. "Is there anything else you um, want to talk about?"
"No, I'm pretty sure that there isn't anything else. Well goodbye Yugi I'll see you later. Talk to you soon!" And not even leaving him time to reply, she slammed down the phone, her breath catching in her chest. 'How could he possible have known... ?'
"Bye," Yugi said to the dial tone, the concern he felt for his friend growing. Something was bothering her, and he only hoped that it wasn't something serious. He wanted to help, but she had to let him first.
Seto wouldn't admit that he was confused. He was denying what had happened; he was refusing to acknowledge that his perception of Gardener had changed. Greatly. Forever.
He wouldn't admit- even to himself- that he liked the way she kissed. He wouldn't admit that she was adorable when she was blushing. He wouldn't admit to relishing the feel of her skin against his, even though it was one of the softest things he had ever felt. It just wasn't in his character to freely change his mind; he was too damn stubborn for anything like that.
He scowled to himself, unhappy with the path his reflections were taking. He would rather forget than look back on it; and he was dead-set against ever letting it happen again. His self-control would be consciously heightened ten-fold, and his internal guards brutally reinforced. Never again would he find himself in such an implausible situation. Never again. Never again.
But even as he told himself that, all the feelings came rushing unbidden back to his head. The memory was burning itself into his skull, with or without his consent. Surely things would go back to normal. There was no way he would ever actually feel anything for Gardener other than disdain. Not attraction, not compassion, and certainly- CERTAINLY- not anything remotely close to love. He scoffed at that emotion anyway.
Love was a useless, commercialized child's tale, believed in by idealistic dreamers who couldn't face the harsh truth of reality. It was a softer landing than life; it was a fool's utopia in which to escape. Love was a silly, ridiculous piece of overly-used trash. It wasn't precious, it wasn't a blessing, and it certainly wasn't something that he ever needed. It was just a joke.
Or, to keep things simple, that was what he told himself.
What he had described was not love. It was in fact a created emotion; a cheesy copy of the real thing. It could almost be called romance, but that wasn't quite right. The fake feeling of superficial longing and clingy, zestful desire was a foolish, worn down thing. It was for those who wanted something easy and cheap- this false "love" was something that came by the ton. Accessible. Sold. Commercial. Fake.
Had he dared to look, Seto could have found love right beside him. The love of a brother- in Mokuba. That was one love, and had he dared admit the truth, it was in fact one love that he could not do without. Love bloomed in dark places, and was as pure and beautiful as a glassy drop of rain. Love was not unattainable, though several sacrifices would have to be made.The reality of it was, love couldn't be explained clearly in mere words, by mere mortals. And he hated things that were mysterious; he liked everything to be clear-cut, logical, and easily explained.
Seto Kaiba went to bed that night dreaming of blue eyes and light brown hair. And adamantly denying that he even had a heart, let alone the capacity for blossoming, life-changing new feelings. His eyes shut with the fervent belief that he would wake up and things would be the same. He truly believed- or at least hoped- that even though he had shared something so memorable with the girl, he wouldn't have to face any unpleasant consequences, or be forced to relive the moment any more.
But he was a fool.
Mankind is- and has been, and will always be- collectively foolish. And really, what was he but a man?
Things, as he saw it, wouldn't change. He couldn't allow himself to like her; he had felt nothing but dislike for so long that the transition to "friend" (or something greater) would be too difficult a task to ever successfully attempt. He couldn't allow himself to care for her; even though Mokuba cared for her a great deal, and she generally lent herself to caring very well. But most of all, most importantly from his feverish mindto his disobedient heart, he could never allow himself to love her. He didn't love. He didn't believe in love. He had almost never known love.
Those thoughts seemed to soothe him, albeit barely, and with another dispassionate sigh he fell deep into sleep. What had begun was beyond his realm of understanding. Neither one was looking for love or romance, but as has been proven time and time again, opinions were apt to changing. He did still despise her then, a feeling that was a far cry from the illustrious "love", but the coming of many new mornings could melt even the iciest of hard hearts. And, after all, the act wasn't called making love for nothing.
End A/N: Well, I hope that everyone enjoyed this latest installment. I wasn't sure about it, but I had trouble with this chapter for a while, and this is a lot better than the other dribble I had come up with. So, with that being said, I hope you liked it, and I ask you to be so kind as to leave a review on your way out.
signing off...
I.L.B.