Disclaimer: I.L.B. doesn't own yugioh, or any of its characters. She, in fact, owns precious little, and dares you to try to take her collection of raggedy books away.
A/N: Dear me. I actually have a good excuse for this late update. I am sorry for waiting such a long time, and I did plan to have it up sooner. But, due to events unforeseen, I am posting it now. I did make it extra long, though. It was hard; writing romance when your heart is broken is incredibly difficult. I just... couldn't do it for a while. But I feel better, and with nothing better to do than write- power's been out for almost a week and we're running a few things off a generator- I thought "Why, I can finish the next chapter of my delightful little fan-fiction!" So... here goes!
chapter Eight:
Sensation.
Every touch intensified.
Every feeling magnified.
Like a height-less paradise
That you never want to leave.
It's shameless- the way you
Pursue this feeling.
Reckless.
Because all you know is
You have to have it.
And at the end of the day,
it's all you have.
(Present)
The classroom was empty. He was the only one there- as he knew he would be. The day was still early, it would be a fair few minutes before the morning would begin. Sunlight was streaming in through the lonely window on the far wall, painting pools of gold across the room. It was a mark of the day's majesty, a prediction of beautiful moments to come and a quest completed to full satisfaction. With a secret smile playing across his lips, he tenderly placed a small package on the top of a desk in the middle of the room.
That was her seat. The gift was for her. She, who gave him a reason to smile when all hope seemed to be lost in that endless sea of sadness. He cared so much that he thought he might die without her. She was the wind that lifted his forgotten wings, a single blossom in a desolate field of ashes. He loved her.
He loved her.
And he was going to show her. His method was well thought-out. There were no mistakes. The plan was simple; after all, it required very little cunning or even intelligence. And she would appreciate the simplicity. She would appreciate the huge, dazzling effort in all its single, sparkling simplicity.
How romantic.
The thought almost made him laugh. He didn't believe in romance- not in the kind that sells anyway. He liked a smoldering, secretive sort of temptation. He liked to be secure in his knowledge of that uplifting, delicate feeling that was all around him. And that was all the romance he would ever need. But for her, he could make sacrifices. He could make one gesture, and it would mean more than the thousands of silly "romantic" moments other lovers had throughout the course of years. His heart was singing as he sauntered out of the classroom. No one had seen him go on, and no one had seen him come out. But when she saw it, when she opened the package so nervously awaiting its mistress, she would know. And their secret would be safe.
And he would finally know.
He would know if she returned those emotions he had fought for so long to conceal. He would know if she was worth wasting his time on. He would probably give up almost everything just for the chance to hold her warm, welcoming hand. Oh yes, he was hopelessly in love. It was beautiful. Perhaps a bit ridiculous, in his own reflective opinion, but there was a beautiful, indescribable loveliness to all that which was ridiculous, and that was what he was counting on.
He loved her.
He loved her.
And finally, he would know if she loved him too.
(In the Middle of the Aftermath)
Three days had passed since she had spoken to him. Three days. And it was starting to suffocate her.
She wasn't sure how she felt about him. Still. The heavy contemplation she knew he deserved just hadn't come, though that was probably because she still hadn't allowed herself to accept what had happened. The very idea of them ever having a relationship was laughable, and definitely not something that he would ever consider.
Yes, that was it. That was the reason that she wouldn't let herself believe that what had happened was real. It was because of him. She was certain that he would reject her, and treat her with even more cruelty and near-hatred than he had previously. She was sure he would think that it was a mistake, and file it among his rather minuscule pile of regrets. Then again, she didn't know if he was capable of feeling regret. Honestly, she barely knew anything about him. He was a mystery- an enigma. She didn't know him at all.
She didn't know him, but she had absolutely no qualms about throwing away all inhibitions, and... and...
"I can't even admit it to myself!" Tea said hopelessly. "How am I supposed to face and recover from something of such enormous weight that I can't even freely admit it happened to my sorry self yet?" Sure, it hadn't been exactly what she would have called "beautiful". It certainly hadn't been what she had been hoping for. But... He had been different. He hadn't been as heartless or dismissive as usual- in fact, he had almost seemed to, for half a moment, care about her. He had made her feel like she was the most wonderful being on the planet, and though she knew that wasn't true, he still had gone on and worshiped her body like his sole purpose for existence was to be with her right in that one, reality-bending moment.
She sighed, unable to stop the stream of fractured thoughts from coming.
The gentle kisses he had given were unbelievable, especially considering who they had come from. The utter- she searched for an appropriate word but the closest she could come was tenderness he had shown her was something she never in a hundred lifetimes would have expected.
But, against all that, the fact remained that he was still him. He was still the arrogant, selfish, stubborn Kaiba- still the person he, as long as she had known him, had always been.
"How could I have done this?" she moaned to herself. "What happened? Was it a mistake? I don't know how I'm supposed to feel; I don't know what I'm supposed to do!" She threw herself down onto her bed, shoving her face in a pillow. She missed the sound of footsteps bounding up the stairs.
"Damn it Kaiba! You're driving me crazy!"
"Whoa," Joey said, coming stopping just outside her bedroom door, closely followed by Tristan and Yugi. "What's up Tea? You sound pretty upset. I could have sworn I heard you talking about Kaiba. What'd that asshole do now?"
Tea looked up at her friends, grateful for an interruption from her troubled thoughts. "Oh, it's nothing. Just that stupid chemistry project, you know? We still aren't finished."
"Neither are we," Yugi sighed as the three came in and plopped down on her floor. He looked pointedly at the other two. "Though that could be due to the tremendous lack of effort."
Tristan grinned. "Well, we..." he struggled for a suitable excuse. "Um... we'll get it done. Eventually?"
Joey nodded emphatically, looking delightfully absurd.
His genuine, sincere silliness was unavoidably funny, especially then, and everyone burst out in happy laughter, even the absurd one himself. The bond of easy camaraderie and friendship was a balm to Tea's shaken nerves, and she felt that she had never been happier to see her friends than she was at that moment. They were her shelter; when she got hurt or things went wrong, those boys were the ones she knew she could turn to.
They all talked for about an hour, sharing new stories of ridiculous feats, joking about past stupidity, and enjoying the others' company only as a long-standing group of friends could. It was great- a real relief from any burdens they all may have had.
During a rare moment of silence, Tea lowered her head. She wasn't sure if she could tell them. She wasn't sure if she should tell them- they, to say the VERY least, would be shocked and maybe even angry, though she wasn't entirely sure. But the secret was eating away at her, and even if Tristan and Joey didn't know, she knew that Yugi could tell something was bothering her, and if she kept up that grand mope she had going, he was eventually going to pester at least a half-truth out of her.
She took a deep breath. Not everything, just the gist. Just the fact that something had happened, leave the impression that she had maybe kissed him or some other such trivial incident. NO inkling of the real truth would escape- none at all. "Guys," she said slowly, "I sort of have something I want to talk to you about." The three gave her their full attention, especially Yugi, his big, adorable eyes turned straight toward her. It felt wonderful to know they cared about her, since there was a huge chance she was about to face pure, unadulterated rage. She inhaled again, drawing as much encouraging air as she could into her lungs. "Well, I-"
And then, the phone rang.
Holding the chemistry book and bright blue binder in his hand, Mokuba picked up the telephone and dialed the Gardener's number. He knew that Tea would want her things back, and he liked the girl so much he was always happy to use an excuse to see her. After about two rings, a girl's voice came on.
"Hello?"
It was Tea, he recognized her immediately. "Hi! It's Mokuba Kaiba. I just wanted to call you because you left some stuff over here when you were studying with Seto."
The girl was practically speechless. "Um... oh, well thanks for letting me know, Mokuba. I really appreciate it."
On his end of the line, he grinned brightly. "No problem. If you want, I can get someone to run it over to you."
She thought rapidly for a moment, weighing her options. "Um, is your brother there?"
"Yeah, he is. He's probably working on something; that would be just like him."
Tea laughed. "We still have to finish our project- I don't know if he told you or not."
"He might have mentioned it, under his breath, once or twice." They both laughed again.
"I'll come over and get it myself then, OK? I don't want to be an inconvenience to you or anything. So... expect me in a little less than an hour, alright? That sound good?"
"Yeah, that sounds fine. Bye, Tea."
"Bye!"
She hung up the phone, and met three curious looks. "What?"
"Oh nothing," Joey said innocently. "We were just wondering what all that was about."
"Well, I went over to Kaiba's to do that project, and I guess I stormed out of there in such a rush that I forgot all my chemistry stuff. I left my book and my binder over there, and that on the phone was Mokuba being kind enough to call and remind me. I gotta head over there to retrieve it. I hope you guys don't mind that I might have to cut your visit a little short."
"Naw, we don't mind," Tristan said, standing up and stretching. "We should probably be going soon anyway. Come on guys. See you later Tea."
"Yeah, bye Tea," Joey said, following his friends out the door.
Yugi stayed for a moment longer. "Um, I guess I'll talk to you later, alright Tea?"
"Ok Yugi," she replied brightly. "I'll call you later tonight."
He turned to go. "But Tea, whatever's bothering you... Just know that I'm here, Ok?"
She smiled sadly at one of her very best friends. "I know Yugi. And I truly thank you for that. But don't worry; I'm alright."
"Well, alright. Bye!"
Anyone who had happened into the Kaiba mansion that day would have been rather surprised to hear the sounds of dubious growling coming from the office of the eldest of the two brothers. He was in a foul, dangerous mood, and disturbing him was quite out of the question.
Seto was, to put it mildly, rather perturbed. He still hadn't been able to forget about that girl no matter what he had tried. The whole situation was ridiculous! He was being driven slowly crazy, just by her mere memory. Even little things that had no bearing on anything to do with the matter would suddenly have some deep significance that would forcefully put her in his mind. The cup of coffee he had- rich and deep, just like the way she kissed. One of Mokuba's old stuffed animals lying on the floor- the second most soft and adorable thing in the world, because of course she was the first. He was getting very, very annoyed.
VERY annoyed.
He was still reliving the moments they had over and over again every chance his traitorous mind had. And that wasn't even mentioning the effect on his heart. It seemed like he would never get away. He wasn't sure if he should be disgusted with himself for not being able to maintain his self-control, glad that he had finally gotten some action- regardless of with who-, or (and this possibility very nearly scared the crap out of him) joyous and happy that someone had finally accepted him with no strings attached. At that last thought, he wanted to retch away any such feelings that might have snuck in.
Not to mention that the dreams he kept having weren't helping at all. She was even more glorified then, something attainable and sweet that he actually desired. The whole thing was sheer madness. She couldn't really melt his heart with one smile, her hand most certainly didn't fit perfectly into his, and there was no way in hell that he could possibly have even one shred of a feeling for her. There was just absolutely no way.
He was beyond frustrated, and for once he had no idea what to do about it. He growled to himself, trying to clear his mind, when suddenly he heard a voice say, "Thanks, Mokuba. I'll see you later, ok?" And it was her voice, and as his amazingly uncooperative feet ran toward the sound he was unabashedly amazed to see her face.
Seto was absolutely certain he was going insane when the haunting memory had manifested itself in physical form. "Oh hell. Now I'm hallucinating."
The phantom figure raised an eyebrow worriedly. "Um, Kaiba? Are you OK?"
He wasn't sure- well, at least not entirely- but he didn't think that hallucinations could talk. "Gardener?" He asked sharply, but still a bit hesitantly. "Why the hell are you here?"
Her face, as it had just been determined that it was in fact Tea Gardener, so that meant it was in fact her face, hardened. "Well excuse me." She half-heartedly glared at him, and then held up the things gathered in her arms. "I left some of my stuff here from the last time we were..." an obvious blush spread over her face. "Um, studying. Mokuba called me and told me- and yes I thanked him, I don't think I would have noticed if he hadn't said something- and I wanted to come get it. I didn't think I'd run into you here. So I'm sorry."
The two stood in silence for a moment or two, the girl fidgeting rather nervously. He didn't know how to respond. She seemed rather subdued, and as much as he hated to admit it, he felt awkward as well. There could be absolutely no contesting the reason why. He knew exactly what was causing the strange, delicate atmosphere between them. But they still just stood there, not even making eye contact, trying desperately to rein in the "weirdness" and regain control of the situation.
He was the one who finally broke the silence. "So you've got your things?" She nodded. "Fine. Then why are you still here? Why don't you leave?"
"I-"
"No, I don't want to hear your excuses. Get out."
Tea glowered at the obnoxious thing in front of her. "Don't worry, I wasn't planning on staying. I certainly don't want to catch whatever's shoved itself up your ass. So sorry to be such a damn inconvenience to you."
"You should be." Then, betraying nothing of what he was actually feeling- feelings that he was adamantly fighting- he waved a dismissive hand and coolly said, "Now goodbye."
Her frustration- and borderline broken-heartedness- was getting harder to control. So, she turned to the nearest outlet she had: being royally pissed off at him, the object of her grievances. "Wait a second, you jerk. I don't know if your 'genius' mind has wrapped around this yet, but that chem project isn't going to finish itself. We still have some more to do! And we ARE going to get it done, you better believe it, because I am not letting my grade in that class get any lower."
"You want it done, finish it yourself." He glared at her, trying to will her to just go away.
"What's your problem? You know that you have as much riding on this as I do! And you agreed to go through with this already; alright, so it may have been Mokuba's influence, but you can't back out, I had your word."
He sneered. "I have nothing against the work itself- other than its completely elementary uselessness- it's you that I am disgusted I have to spend time with."
That hit her hard. But breaking down wasn't an option, and Tea just worked her fury up more. "Oh, fine you hard-boiled bastard. So now you hate me?"
He raised an eyebrow, and looked at her with the most intense loathing he could muster at the moment. "Just now? I've always hated you."
Her mouth opened a few times to speak, but to that, there just weren't any words. He hated her.
He hated her.
Even being the man he was, the unstoppable duelist, the ruthless businessman, the gifted student, the unfeeling block of ice, the cruel antagonist- she never imagined that he could say or do something so hurtful. She felt like her whole body lifted up for a moment, then came crashing down, waves of disappointment and pain flooding every inch of her beaten, broken heart. She didn't know what to say to that declaration. Surely he wasn't serious; surely he wouldn't toy with her emotions as callously as that.
But he had said... He hated her.
Tea, dealing with the situation the only way she knew how- because she wasn't going to let him see her start crying and breaking down- she started yelling. Loudly. Ranting and raving to the very peak of her lungs' capabilities.
"You jerk! You asshole! You soulless, duel-monster consuming black hole! I... I know that you don't like me. That, by all your actions, is made inescapably evident. But hate? An emotion that negative and strong? People shouldn't hate. And..." She turned her head to the side, eyes darting down to the floor. A quick breath, just to try to calm herself down. "I refuse to accept that. You can't have always hated me. There must have been an instant, just one brief period of time, when you looked at me, thought about me-" 'Even touched me,' she thought to herself, "With something less than revulsion." She gazed up at him with big eyes full of unspoken thoughts and meaning that was impossible to be mistaken.
He almost- almost mind you- had to look away.
"Why would I view you with something less then contempt? You're just an extra- part of the scenery. Required female groupie to underdog hero, cursed to be cheerleader and voice of unreasonable optimism forever. What reason have you ever given me to like you?"
'What is he... Is he really saying that... ? So it... it meant nothing to him? Nothing!'
She looked at him, tears forming in her eyes. As much as she tried not to let them fall, he still could tell that he had hurt her. As their gazes stayed there, locked together, he hoped his steadfast silence and disinterested look would convince her to stop worrying about that afternoon and move on to where they had been before. He wanted to act like nothing had happened.
"Fine. You don't have to say another word." She sounded defeated. "I... well, I guess now I understand. Who knew? You really aren't human."
That caught his attention. "What?" he asked sharply, eyes narrowing.
"You are completely devoid of emotion. And memory as well, obviously. You are just..." the last word came out as a whisper. "Heartless."
"What right have you to say that? You assume too much, you-"
"Oh cut the bull shit, Kaiba! What right? I'm not the one saying that I won't keep a commitment to a project I gave my word I would do! I'm not the one who is so insecure about themselves that they have to insult every other person they come across. I'm not the one convinced I'm better than everyone else, when really I'm just a scared little boy."
She paused for a moment, and gauged his reactions. He looked like he was getting angrier than she had ever seen him before. 'Might as well go out with a bang,' she thought.
"And, most importantly of all, I'm not the one who is an outright liar. That's you, Kaiba. That's you. What reason have I ever given you to like me? I haven't gone off on you unless you've deserved it. I've tried to be friends, or at least tried to treat you with the civility that all people deserve. And... I..." She shook her head and looked at him. For a moment, she thought he looked scared. He knew what she was about to say, and it made him more nervous than anything.
"No. I'm going to try and respect your wishes. You don't want me to bring that up; I won't bring it up. Regardless of how I feel- not that you would make an effort to ever find out- you want to forget that it ever happened. That you let your mask slip for just a little bit. Or maybe you were just stringing me along, secretly laughing at how I naively fell for your disgustingly cruel ploy. So I won't mention it. I've... I'm going to go. I... Actually, it doesn't matter. 'Bye."
Throughout that speech, he had been still and silent. But he couldn't take it anymore; maybe he had made a mistake telling her that he hated her- he didn't- and maybe the course of action he had chosen wasn't exactly the best. Most importantly though, he wasn't going to let her get away with saying all those things about him, because none of it- in his mind- had even the slightest semblance of truth.
She had turned away to leave, but he grabbed her wrist and stopped her. Searching for something to say, he improvised with, "Why are you acting like this?"
Tea turned around to face him and he let go of her. "Why? How can you ask that? I'm sorry that it bothers you, but I'm a little upset! You think you can just blow me off like that after what happened? No! Either acknowledge that something has changed between us, or stay the hell away from me from now on!" She backed up a step, though she made a visible effort to keep her resolve. "Make a choice now Kaiba, because I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to give a damn."
He sneered, still not sure what he wanted, and reacting the only way he knew how. "I don't need you to tell me what to do. If I choose to ignore whatever you say happened us, then that's my business."
As soon as that came out of his mouth, she marched up to stand right beside him. Then, without warning, she smacked the side of his face with almost as much effort as she could.
He could see her eyes begin to water, though she tried hard to hide it from him. A sharp, brief pain hit him. It almost resembled, of all things, guilt. He hadn't actually intended to hurt her; true, he hadn't really considered how his actions would affect her, but he hadn't done anything with the purpose of hurting her in mind.
Taking a deep breath, he thought about what he could do. He could hurt her more, send her on her way, and never spare the stupid girl another thought. Except... for some reason, he couldn't do that. He had been thinking about her- almost constantly it seemed sometimes! He hadn't been able to get her out of his head when they were still on fragile but relatively good terms, so why did he think that he'd be able to stop if they were on horrible terms with each other? Finally using some of that genius he always boasted about, he realized that he wouldn't. She would still be on his mind as much- no, probably more because they had fought. But there was another option. He could... just make amends.
"I'm not going to apologize," he said harshly, "but whatever I might have said gave you no right to hit me! I don't know what you thought you were doing, but it sure as hell wasn't going to accomplish anything other than pissing me off!"
She was about to speak, he could see. But he was on a roll, and had almost found a way to ease into his... not apology, never apology, but his own way of telling her than he hadn't meant what he had said. And just as he held up a hand to cut her off, it came to him with all the force of a lightning bolt.
"This entire situation is your fault, in any case. I wasn't the one who did the stupidest, most impossible thing she could. Do you know how many women have thrown themselves at me? How many big-breasted, gorgeous, even decently intelligent girls have done anything they could to garner one moment of my attention? But I turned every single one of them down. I was not remotely interested in their false sentiments, instead disgusted by the vulgar displays they honestly thought would make me want to associate with them.
"My self-control is impenetrable- of a degree you could only imagine. But do you know who broke it? Do you know the only female to ever get through all the barriers I have meticulously crafted around myself? Because I instantly recall precisely who it was, and I blame her for the miserable hole my life has been plunged into the past few days."
Tea was silent, heart still erupting with her most volatile emotions, his words seeming unreal and incomprehensible. His blabbering on was ridiculous, but it was the most she had ever heard him say, and if, in any possible way, he was going to apologize, she was going to be right there to hear it.
He continued, forcing himself to speak. "She's annoying, and grates upon my nerves regularly. In fact, I hardly consider it a worthwhile week unless she's managed to twist my head a bit. She supports my biggest rival, simpering over the pathetic fool even as he's getting crushed. And really, she's the bitchiest cheerleader I've ever met in all my life." He paused a moment, looking at her with his ever-intense blue eyes. "But do you know what? She... she won't leave my head. I can't stop thinking about her, and I'm really not showing all the well-built up contempt I used to. For three days, she has invaded my mind; I can't stop it, the thoughts come like a flood.
"I don't want to give in. She's still the same girl she ever was. But think about what she was able to do. Something no one else ever had. Something even I thought was impossible." He sighed. "She still bothers me- I don't think that much will ever change. But..."
When he didn't go on, Tea couldn't help but smile. Yes, he had been a jerk before, but... well, maybe she could forgive him after that. She wiped her face, a little embarrassed for having starting crying, and let out a tiny laugh. "I guess you're pretty screwed then, huh? It doesn't sound like you can get away."
Feeling a sense of unbelievable relief wash over him, he crossed his arms over his chest and scowled. "Hn. The only reason that I've put up with her thus far," he said darkly with a suspiciously amused smirk on his face, "is that she has a great ass."
"You... Oh God, you are such a guy."
He raised an eyebrow. "And you doubted my masculinity... why?"
"I didn't! I just..." She shakily laughed a little, and shook her head. "You're really the last person I would have expected to say something like that." She laughed again, this time with more feeling. "You're as bad as Joey and Tristan. Though if you ever have the urge to say something like that again, I suggest you don't, unless you enjoy walking around with a handprint on your face."
"It got you to stop crying, didn't it?" he said gruffly.
"You... you said all that to make me stop crying? Why do you care?"
"I don't. Or, at least I believe I'm not supposed to."
She smiled. "Yeah, but rules are made to be broken, right?"
"I imagine they must be."
Then, Tea tentatively stepped closer to him. "I know that... maybe I said a few things I shouldn't have, but you hurt my feelings. You hurt me so badly, even if it was for just a moment. I guess that I realize now that you didn't really mean it, but..." She didn't know how to continue.
Seto had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. "You're an idiot. Come here." She hesitantly did as he asked, and he pulled her quickly into his arms. "Even big, bad... what was it you called me? Ahh yes. As I said, even 'duel-monster consuming black holes' are allowed to be... confused at certain times. And although my judgement is unquestionable, sometimes even I neglect to count on the human aspect of my actions."
"So... you did what you thought was best, but you didn't really think about how I would react?"
He exhaled loudly and exasperatedly. "If you must put it that way."
Tea closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around him even tighter. "I know this is going to be weird," she said, "but can't you at least admit that it feels sort of... I don't know, right?"
He snorted. "That is the most cliched thing I have ever heard." And just to prove his point, he leaned down and kissed her gently, pleased with the little gasp of shock he heard her give.
"You're still a jerk, you know."
He nodded. "Yes, I know." And kissed her cheek.
"And I really think your ego could stand to be deflated."
His lips moved to her ear. "Of course."
"I suppose then that you wouldn't mind continued association?"
Finding an absolutely delicious spot on her neck, he managed to mumble, "Not at all."
She sighed. "You're only saying that because you think I have a great ass, aren't you?"
At the look on his face as he pulled away, she couldn't help but laugh.
End A/N: Welly welly well then... the end of another chapter. This one was 13 pages long! Whoa... for me, on this story, anyway. Heh. I hope you all liked it, and I hope that any tweaking of Kaiba's character didn't take away from the quality of the work. I wrote this... and then I read over it once and posted it. Maybe I need a beta... Ahh well. So... REVIEW! Thanx, I.L.B.
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Ooh, extra incentive! The first (counts on fingers) five people who review will get, if they leave their e-mail address and if they want it, a copy of the dream Seto had that was referred to in this chapter. It'll be good. Oh yes, it's a steamy conglomeration of some pretty weird fantasies. But who wouldn't expect a guy who spends his life playing a card game to be a little... weird?Heh. Remember: first five people! Thanx for reading!