A Smile in the Dark.
Chapter Two.
A week later and Tonks found herself concealed within the walls of Grimmauld Place, the thoughts of Russia and Remus taking over her and looming like the ominous grey clouds staining the horizon if she looked out of the window. He had sent one note as an update for her specifically that consisted of "Things going well. I'm safe as I can be. Try not to worry." Of course, that only served to double her concern since though Remus was a man of few words when necessary, this was beyond heavily coded messages. It irked her since he had said there would be regular updates, but she supposed that the details of the letters he sent with the principal information couldn't be disclosed to all of the Order due to both security reasons and different areas of expertise. When she had asked Moody, he had initially told her that it was a bad time to ask since they were all incredibly busy, and the last thing she needed to do was worry about someone else's' welfare when she wasn't careful enough with her own.
However, she planned to try again today and hopefully with a little more success. She shifted herself in her chair, waiting for Moody to come in to talk to her as he said he would. She wasn't to be disappointed; the sound of a wooden leg scratching along the floor was heard a few moments later, a reward to her unusually exercised patience. The door slid open with a slight creak, and the slightly grizzled and exceptionally paranoid older Auror entered the room with wand out, as was his habit. His stance relaxed as Tonks got to her feet to greet him, and his wand was stowed away in a pocket of his cloak, at his side for easy access and to ensure that he was providing the example of elementary wand safety that he always lectured others about.
"Wotcher, Moody. Any news?" Tonks stood in a pose that suggested she was standing to attention. Only her eyes following her superior suggested any hint that this conversation wasn't entirely professionally based. Well, technically it is. After all, he has no inkling of what I might be feeling towards Remus other than concern for a fellow Order member.
"You might want to sit down for a few minutes Tonks, if we're to have a proper conversation. You've been bugging me about this for days, and I want to answer at my leisure and in some form of comfort, thank you so much." Moody's voice was gruff but not harsh, and his demeanour was entirely respectful with a hint of a fatherly affection to his words. After a moment, he sank into a chair, Tonks easing up her posture and following his lead. "You want news about Lupin, then?"
Tonks nodded, unsure all of a sudden what she wanted to hear. After a long pause, the questions poured out of her in a rush that she considered to be unseemly but couldn't hold back. "Is he truly safe? Is he all right? Will he be back soon? Is he…" Tonks paused for breath, continued "…is he coping? Is the mission a success?"
Moody stared at her evenly, and with a flick of his wand sealed the room against any form of eavesdropping. "Nothing I tell you leaves this room, Tonks. Understand?" Encouraged by the sincerity of her nod and the worried expression that immediately crossed her face at his need for secrecy, and he continued. "I am not entirely convinced of Lupin's professions that his health is fully intact, but aside from that, the mission appears to be going well. He'll soon be out of there if things continue to go this well, but I won't be banking on anything just yet. That's the thing with letters, they can cause deception easily, and I wouldn't put it past Lupin to be typically stubborn and lie about his own condition to help the Order. What he doesn't seem to understand is that seeing himself exhausted to the point of death won't help the Order. And it won't keep him safe; he'll put his life at risk because of the people he's dealing with, too."
Tonks's expression had been worried to begin with, but now her skin was out and out white and her eyes were filled with a wild, barely restrained fear that not even her morphing could have concealed had it occurred to her. "He'll…he'll be all right, won't he?"
Moody tilted his head to examine the young Auror, who flushed under his scrutiny as though she had something to hide. Then it clicked. "You've got quite a yen for Lupin, haven't you lass? Dangerous, dangerous thing in these times." He didn't disapprove exactly, was more wary about telling her more precisely how things were going because of such. In fact, he thought he had told her enough, judging by the expression upon her face.
"What? Me? And…and Remus? No, Mad-Eye, you've got it wrong…" Tonks's stammering only served to incriminate her further, and though she met his eyes steadily, she couldn't hide the sudden flash of guilt and the blush that had risen to her cheeks.
Moody merely raised an eyebrow at her and quipped "sure I have. Same as I get the mission information wrong." That means almost never, thought Moody to himself, knowing that his careful choice of words would eventually elicit the right response.
Tonks, still somewhat red in the face, questioned "how did you know?" with a slight frown upon her face. Had she been that obvious? Did she even know herself what she felt towards Remus?
"I didn't first off, I had my suspicions but you just confirmed them." Moody sat back and smirked at her, pleased with the success and nature that his estimations had led to.
"You're right to look out for him; he needs it. I'm warning you however to be careful. Don't get too close because that will just make losing him all the more painful if it happens. We're in a war Tonks, and war means pain and loss. Protect yourself from it as much as you can, if you can. If hiding it hurts, then don't. If telling would hurt more, I say again, don't. In the end the decision is in your hands, but I hope for your sake and his that you'll make the right one." He watched her features carefully as he spoke, worrying for her simply because she seemed so innocent, so untainted in comparison to some of the other Order members. He knew that she'd lose that through this war and it saddened him to think of it.
Tonks listened to Moody's words seriously, an unusual expression upon her face, something caught between thought and sorrow. "I don't intend to do anything. There's nothing there to do anything about, Mad-Eye. I care about Lupin, but no more than I'm supposed to. He's my friend." She tried not to let it show how difficult she found calling him Lupin rather than Remus…his surname gave him the air of a soldier, an anonymous face that she might never see again. Just another name to be added to a list of casualties that had suffered to help their cause. She couldn't lose him to this lack of identity, this impersonality. She just couldn't. Her thoughts turned on her and shocked her with their intensity. Is this really how I feel about him?
"All due respect Tonks, but you're a terrible liar regarding Lupin. You call him by his first name most of the time for starters and I've never heard you object when you're talking together or when he's looking your way and you're looking his. I've seen you watching him." Moody decided that after this sentence, almost an evaluation of the entire situation, it was time to be more serious. "I intend to have Lupin back at headquarters within a week or so if there is no proof of things improving as he says." And with this, Moody got to his feet, nodded at her. "I'm afraid I need to get going. There's something I need to see to. All the best." A few moments later the eavesdropping spell was removed and the elder Auror, scarred not only by battles but also by life and wisdom left the room, an astounded and emotionally confused Tonks in his wake.
Mad-Eye's more right than he knows. He hit the bull's-eye unintentionally. I care about Remus. I sincerely care about him, have done for months. And yet I've managed to keep it held back, hidden away.
I've got to see him, if only for a moment. I'll write to him, I'll do anything. I've just got to know for myself that he's all right.
With this final thought in mind, Tonks left the room herself to go back upstairs and write a letter. How was she to know that Remus Lupin would be arriving a few hours later and would receive the letter whilst at Grimmauld Place?