The Merc and the Ninja
Part 7: The Return of Sweet Cheeks: Part 1
By
The Uncanny R-Man
Disclaimer- I own nothing; it's all Marvel's!
Shout Outs-
Risty- Glad to see that you at least like someone! I didn't make Typhoid Mary's costume up, that was all from Marvel! More women kicking butt next! You can't get more butt-kicking than Typhoid Mary!
Dark Jaded Rose- SEE? Here's an update! WHEEE! I am the King of Chocolate Mice! Wibble!
It's nine in the morning in the HQ of the Braddock, Lee, Espinosa and Wilson detective agency. The door swings open and a Hawaiian shirt-clad Wade walks in with the morning paper, whistling to himself. He plops down on a chair and prepares to read his paper.
'Hmm!' He says to himself. 'Some little redhead kid beat up Avalanche all on her lonesome. I wonder who that was?' (1)
Wade looks up from the paper as a badly hung over Betsy walks in.
'What up Cute Buns?' an ever-chipper Wade asks. 'Still feelin' groggy from last night?'
Betsy groans and slumps down beside Wade, laying her head on his shoulder.
'I feel like someone's shat in my mind!' The purple-haired Brit moans.
'That bad huh?'
Then there is a shout from Jubilee and Angelo's room.
'MEDIC!' Jubilee yells. 'WE NEED MORE JUICE!'
'YOU'VE GOT LEGS!' Wade shouts back. 'GET IT YOURSELF!'
Unheard by Betsy but heard by Wade's sensitive hearing, Jubilee mutters various curses under her breath as she gets up out of bed.
Wade looks up as he hears someone enter the door. He jumps up in shock as he sees who it is, in the process, pushing Betsy's head off his shoulders, making her bang her head against the desk.
'Ow! Bloody 'ell Wade!' Betsy winces, rubbing her head.
'Typhoid Mary!' Wade gasps. 'What're you doing here?'
Betsy suddenly perks up as she hears the name of Wade's former 'friend.' She jumps up from her seat, clutching her head in pain.
'Owowow! Got up to fast!'
'I want to hire you.' Typhoid answers matter-of-factly.
Betsy, still clutching her head in pain, walks out into the kitchen and pops her head out.
'Once I've sorted this bloody headache out, I'm going to finish what I started last night!'
'Betsy, PLEASE!' Wade pleads. 'This is the first case that we've had in days, we need the money!'
From the kitchen Betsy can be heard muttering various curses as she pours herself some water to go with the aspirin.
Wade turns back to Typhoid.
'What do you need us for?' He asks. 'If it's bumping someone off, I'm afraid that we can't take it as * sigh* Betsy made me promise that I'd stop killing people.'
'It's nothing like that Wade.' Typhoid adds. 'I just need you to get some money for me.'
'Is that all?' Wade asks, not exactly trusting her. 'Who's it from?'
'Bullseye.' Typhoid says.
'BLOODY HELL!' Betsy shouts from the kitchen.
Typhoid ignores the sudden outburst and continues her story. 'I teamed up with Bullseye for a job. The job went off nice and cleanly but when it came for my cut of the money, Bullseye stiffed me!'
'The jerk!' Wade growls. 'I know I might not be the perfect gentleman but I've never stiffed somebody on their share of my money!'
'So you'll take the job?' Typhoid asks.
'You got yourself a deal!' Wade says, shaking her hand. 'As long as I get ten percent!'
***
Later, after Wade and Betsy have changed into their hero gear, they join Typhoid in, what Wade likes to call, 'The Dead-Mobile!' It's actually an old clapped-out Aston Martin with flaky paint.
'I see your taste in cars hasn't changed.' Typhoid smirks.
'What do you mean?' Wade asks in defence. 'This is a classic piece of machinery!'
'Yeah, in nineteen eighty-nine!' Betsy joins in.
'See!' Typhoid continues. 'Even your girlfriend agrees with me!'
'And you can shut up too!' Betsy hisses, turning to the redheaded schizo. 'The only reason that I'm here instead of being in bead like any normal person with a hangover would be is so I can make sure that you don't get your bloody nails into my bloody man!'
'Maybe I wouldn't need to if you were any good in bed!' Typhoid spits.
'Oh that's it!' Betsy snarls. 'You're going down!' She then grabs Typhoid in a headlock and starts to pull her hair and tear at her clothes. Inside the car, Wade bangs his head against the steering wheel with exasperation.
'Sometimes I regret being brought back to life!' he sighs.
***
Wade, Betsy and Typhoid are now sat in silence in the car on the way to Bullseye's hideout. Wade is driving with Betsy beside him. She, just like Typhoid, has her arms crossed and a pissed expression on her face. She looks into the rear-view mirror and looks at typhoid's reflection. 'Trollop!' She mutters.
'Cow!' Typhoid shoots back.
'Tart!'
'Harpy!'
'Slag!'
Wade steps on the breaks and turns to the arguing women. 'if I have to tell you one more time to stop arguing, I'll turn this car around and go back home! I'm not joking, I'm serious!'
'She started it!' Betsy pouts.
'She did!' Typhoid mutters.
'Shh!' Wade says.
'Bu...'
'Shh!'
'Bu...'
'Just know that I've got a whole bag of 'shh' here with your name on it!' Shh! That was as pre-emptive shh! So stop it!'
Betsy and Typhoid sulk in silence and leave wade to the driving.
***
Meanwhile, back at the agency, Jubilee and Angelo have finally got up out of bed. They walk into the office, leaning on each other for support.
'I can't believe we got so drunk!' Jubilee winces. 'How many drinks did I drink?'
'Eight bottles of beer and nine tequila shots annnnd... five double vodkas!' Angelo answers her, counting off his fingers.
Jubilee slumps down on nearby chair.
'Just leave me alone to die!' She moans.
'Why doesn't wade have a hangover?' Angelo asks.
Jubilee rubs her eyes and squints at her boyfriend. 'Because of his freakin' healing factor! Damn jerk can't even get drunk! Just like Logan actually. As a matter of fact, back when I was with the X-Men...'
Angelo covers his ears and moans into his lap at the sound of jubilee's old catchphrase. 'I wonder if the Avengers are looking for members?'
TBC
Part 7: The Return of Sweet Cheeks: Part 1
By
The Uncanny R-Man
Disclaimer- I own nothing; it's all Marvel's!
Shout Outs-
Risty- Glad to see that you at least like someone! I didn't make Typhoid Mary's costume up, that was all from Marvel! More women kicking butt next! You can't get more butt-kicking than Typhoid Mary!
Dark Jaded Rose- SEE? Here's an update! WHEEE! I am the King of Chocolate Mice! Wibble!
It's nine in the morning in the HQ of the Braddock, Lee, Espinosa and Wilson detective agency. The door swings open and a Hawaiian shirt-clad Wade walks in with the morning paper, whistling to himself. He plops down on a chair and prepares to read his paper.
'Hmm!' He says to himself. 'Some little redhead kid beat up Avalanche all on her lonesome. I wonder who that was?' (1)
Wade looks up from the paper as a badly hung over Betsy walks in.
'What up Cute Buns?' an ever-chipper Wade asks. 'Still feelin' groggy from last night?'
Betsy groans and slumps down beside Wade, laying her head on his shoulder.
'I feel like someone's shat in my mind!' The purple-haired Brit moans.
'That bad huh?'
Then there is a shout from Jubilee and Angelo's room.
'MEDIC!' Jubilee yells. 'WE NEED MORE JUICE!'
'YOU'VE GOT LEGS!' Wade shouts back. 'GET IT YOURSELF!'
Unheard by Betsy but heard by Wade's sensitive hearing, Jubilee mutters various curses under her breath as she gets up out of bed.
Wade looks up as he hears someone enter the door. He jumps up in shock as he sees who it is, in the process, pushing Betsy's head off his shoulders, making her bang her head against the desk.
'Ow! Bloody 'ell Wade!' Betsy winces, rubbing her head.
'Typhoid Mary!' Wade gasps. 'What're you doing here?'
Betsy suddenly perks up as she hears the name of Wade's former 'friend.' She jumps up from her seat, clutching her head in pain.
'Owowow! Got up to fast!'
'I want to hire you.' Typhoid answers matter-of-factly.
Betsy, still clutching her head in pain, walks out into the kitchen and pops her head out.
'Once I've sorted this bloody headache out, I'm going to finish what I started last night!'
'Betsy, PLEASE!' Wade pleads. 'This is the first case that we've had in days, we need the money!'
From the kitchen Betsy can be heard muttering various curses as she pours herself some water to go with the aspirin.
Wade turns back to Typhoid.
'What do you need us for?' He asks. 'If it's bumping someone off, I'm afraid that we can't take it as * sigh* Betsy made me promise that I'd stop killing people.'
'It's nothing like that Wade.' Typhoid adds. 'I just need you to get some money for me.'
'Is that all?' Wade asks, not exactly trusting her. 'Who's it from?'
'Bullseye.' Typhoid says.
'BLOODY HELL!' Betsy shouts from the kitchen.
Typhoid ignores the sudden outburst and continues her story. 'I teamed up with Bullseye for a job. The job went off nice and cleanly but when it came for my cut of the money, Bullseye stiffed me!'
'The jerk!' Wade growls. 'I know I might not be the perfect gentleman but I've never stiffed somebody on their share of my money!'
'So you'll take the job?' Typhoid asks.
'You got yourself a deal!' Wade says, shaking her hand. 'As long as I get ten percent!'
***
Later, after Wade and Betsy have changed into their hero gear, they join Typhoid in, what Wade likes to call, 'The Dead-Mobile!' It's actually an old clapped-out Aston Martin with flaky paint.
'I see your taste in cars hasn't changed.' Typhoid smirks.
'What do you mean?' Wade asks in defence. 'This is a classic piece of machinery!'
'Yeah, in nineteen eighty-nine!' Betsy joins in.
'See!' Typhoid continues. 'Even your girlfriend agrees with me!'
'And you can shut up too!' Betsy hisses, turning to the redheaded schizo. 'The only reason that I'm here instead of being in bead like any normal person with a hangover would be is so I can make sure that you don't get your bloody nails into my bloody man!'
'Maybe I wouldn't need to if you were any good in bed!' Typhoid spits.
'Oh that's it!' Betsy snarls. 'You're going down!' She then grabs Typhoid in a headlock and starts to pull her hair and tear at her clothes. Inside the car, Wade bangs his head against the steering wheel with exasperation.
'Sometimes I regret being brought back to life!' he sighs.
***
Wade, Betsy and Typhoid are now sat in silence in the car on the way to Bullseye's hideout. Wade is driving with Betsy beside him. She, just like Typhoid, has her arms crossed and a pissed expression on her face. She looks into the rear-view mirror and looks at typhoid's reflection. 'Trollop!' She mutters.
'Cow!' Typhoid shoots back.
'Tart!'
'Harpy!'
'Slag!'
Wade steps on the breaks and turns to the arguing women. 'if I have to tell you one more time to stop arguing, I'll turn this car around and go back home! I'm not joking, I'm serious!'
'She started it!' Betsy pouts.
'She did!' Typhoid mutters.
'Shh!' Wade says.
'Bu...'
'Shh!'
'Bu...'
'Just know that I've got a whole bag of 'shh' here with your name on it!' Shh! That was as pre-emptive shh! So stop it!'
Betsy and Typhoid sulk in silence and leave wade to the driving.
***
Meanwhile, back at the agency, Jubilee and Angelo have finally got up out of bed. They walk into the office, leaning on each other for support.
'I can't believe we got so drunk!' Jubilee winces. 'How many drinks did I drink?'
'Eight bottles of beer and nine tequila shots annnnd... five double vodkas!' Angelo answers her, counting off his fingers.
Jubilee slumps down on nearby chair.
'Just leave me alone to die!' She moans.
'Why doesn't wade have a hangover?' Angelo asks.
Jubilee rubs her eyes and squints at her boyfriend. 'Because of his freakin' healing factor! Damn jerk can't even get drunk! Just like Logan actually. As a matter of fact, back when I was with the X-Men...'
Angelo covers his ears and moans into his lap at the sound of jubilee's old catchphrase. 'I wonder if the Avengers are looking for members?'
TBC