The Merc and the Ninja
Part 19: From Russia With Great Affection

By
The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- I don't own anything. All of the characters used in this story belong to Marvel.

Shout Outs-

Risty- I'm full of useless info myself. Go on, ask me something! I agree, saying 'Booyah!' is damn addictive! Curse the Titans for introducing me to that word!

Agent-G- I think Sunfire was killed in one of the issues of the Weapon X series then again, I may be wrong! It looks like you were correct about your Assumptions to who the new member of BLEW is. Now I just need to think of someone to pair her up with...

Quote of the day- 'We always said we were going to do something with our lives. Now look at us. You're an Office Manager and I'm dead.'- Harmony (Angel: Disharmony)

The streets of Moscow-

We currently find Wade Wilson and Betsy Braddock walking arm in arm along the streets of Moscow. It has been snowing during the night and the sidewalk before them is covered with snow. Betsy is dressed rather sensibly in clothes suitable for cold weather while Wade is dressed somewhat more... insane. He is wearing neon coloured ski gear.

'I don't know why you wear that stuff!' Betsy sighs. 'You're attracting stares!'

'I don't care Cute Buns!' Wade replies. He then smiles in greeting at a random passer-by. 'Hey there, enjoying the weather? Great! Had any vodka lately? Good stuff!'

Wade turns to Betsy with a goofy grin.

'See Cute Buns, they're cool!'

'I don't care!' Betsy replies. 'Just change!'

Wade sighs resignedly and presses his belt buckle, activating his image inducer. There is a brief burst of static as the inducer masks his appearance. It now appears that he is wearing a large coat with a warm sweater and slack underneath complete with walking boots.

'Better?' Wade asks.

'Much.'

Later-

Wade and Betsy have finished their walk and are now in their hotel room. Wade turns off his image inducer and throws off his boots. He jumps onto the bed and pats the place next to him invitingly.

'Whatta ya say Cute Buns, you wanna... get comfy?'

'Wade!' Betsy replies. 'It's only three in the afternoon!'

'All the more reason to get started!' Wade grins lecherously.

Betsy just rolls her eyes and walks over to the bathroom.

'I'm taking Jubilee shopping later so I'm going to have a bath. You can join me in there if you want.'

Wade jumps up from the bed and sheds his clothes quicker than you can say 'nympho ninja chick' before throwing open the door to the bathroom. He takes one look in the bathroom and lets out a girlish squeal.

'Eeee! Betts! You'd better come see this!'

Betsy runs up to the bathroom and peers in.

'What the bloody hell?'

Standing in the bathroom is a young blonde woman dressed in what looks to be a red bodysuit. Her right arm also seems to be encased in armour. She also has a nasty looking sword strapped to her back.

'Uh, hi!' The young woman sheepishly says. 'I'm Illyana Rasputin, I'm your new member.'

Later-

Wade (now dressed in one of Betsy's robes) and Betsy are joined by Jubilee and the others. They listen while 'Illyana' explains her story.

'The last thing that I remember was, the Exiles and I were fighting some random bad guys and I was about to be killed by a cheapo Superman wannabe. Then a disembodied voice told me that I was to come to Moscow and meet you guys.'

'One thing, Sheila.' John says. 'What in Mick Dundee's name are the Exiles?'

'A bunch of heroes that've been separated from their own realities.' Illyana replies.

'O-Kay...'

Then Jubilee stands up and asks a question.

'You can't be out reality's Illyana; you died from the Legacy Virus. Hell, I was there when you died!'

'That's because I'm not your Illyana. I'm from a different reality.'

'That would explain why you're all growed up and not a little kid.' Typhoid adds.

'So what are we gonna do now?' Illyana asks. 'Let's go look for some action! Being dead makes me horny!'

Everybody takes a moment to register that.

'I suppose that we could hit the bars.' Betsy sighs.

Wade jumps up with a 'Yes!' accidentally revealing himself to everybody in the room.

'Heh, sorry!'

A random club, somewhere in Moscow-

Illyana is leaning against a wall talking to Jubilee while the others dance or sit at tables with their drinks.

'So what's the deal with you guys? In my reality, Pyro was a member of the Brotherhood and Typhoid was a psycho!'

'They are.' Jubilee replies. 'Well, they were. Typhoid's renounced her psycho ways and Pyro died.'

Illyana downs a shot of vodka before continuing.

'What about you and the grey guy, are you together?'

'Yup.' Jubilee replies. 'Funnily enough, he died too!'

'I hope you don't mind me saying but you don't seem to be the kind of person to be into... y'know... necrophilia!'

'Sex with dead bodies?' Jubilee winces. 'Eww, no! Angelo isn't a zombie or anything, he got brought back to life, just like you and Pyro.'

'What about the other two, Wade and Betsy, were they dead too?'

'Yeah. Wade got shot to pieces by Sabretooth and Betsy was stabbed through the heart.'

'That musta sucked.' Illyana winces. 'So, is my brother alive in your reality?'

'Colossus?'

'Yeah.'

Jubilee bites her lip nervously before continuing.

'Uh... Colossus died a few years ago, he sacrificed his life to cure the Legacy Virus.'

Illyana's face drops at the news.

'At least he died the way he wanted.' She sighs. 'A hero.'

Back at the Hotel-

The gang are hanging around in the foyer and are about to go off to bed. Jubilee and Angelo have kindly offered to let Illyana bunk with them.

'You do know that we'll have to tell the others.' Betsy says, referring to the X-Men. 'Kitty'll want to know that you're back, even if you're not our Illyana.'

'There was a Kitty Pryde in your reality, wasn't there?' Jubilee asks.

'Yeah.' Illyana replies. 'We were gay lovers!'

Everybody's mouths drop open at the revelation. A wide grin spreads on Illyana's face.

'You guys are so gullible!' She grins. 'We weren't gay lovers, only friends!'

END...

NEXT: China and... The Uncanny New Mutants!