The Real World: with cough drops! Chapter 2, a matrix fanfic

Chapter Two:

In the Real World

The world was a blur. Well, maybe that's cause I just opened my eyes from a long rest in what Morpheus called "the Real World". Quite pathetic if you ask me. I mean, there I was, looking fine as ever, and the next thing the real world makes me bald. AND, I got peasant clothes instead of my tie and shirt, which cost me $9.99 from Target! And that was with a coupon too!

"I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE YOU MORPHEUS! I LIKED MY HAIR THE WAY IT WAS!" I had yelled to my hair-challenged friend.

"Well it's not my fault! The Matrix is just giving an image of your hair, but in the real world, you never had any," said Morpheus. However, later I curiously found a crate in the back room labeled 'Morpheus's hair implant plan', with scissors in it and these odd tufts of black string-like material that looked distinctly like it came from my head. Well, it didn't take a genius to figure this out, so I later kicked Morpheus in the groin and we were even.

When that was done, I met the rest of the crew. Apoc, who gave me a gun ), Dozer, one of those computer guys who plug me into the matrix, Tank, who does the same thing as Dozer, Cypher, who is helping the crew in a way I am unsure of as of now, and Trinity, who helps me fight (and fed me soup in the beginning too ).

Now this part is really boring, so I shall skip it so you won't have to bear with reading what happened again (assuming you watched the movie, and if you didn't, I just wasted a whole crapload of your time). So after doing stupid stuff like learning drunken fist and kung-pow chicken (or was it kung-fu…..), I step into the Matrix, ready to rescue Morpheus, who was stupid enough into getting himself caught. Oh yeah, and Cypher turned out to be a traitorous jerk (you just can't trust bald guys with weird mustaches like him), so Apoc decided to kill him (makes sense to me).

In the Matrix trying to save Morpheus off some building

I walked into the large building, and incredibly, I got a long coat. The awesome silkiness of it matched the color and hid my weapons perfectly.

"I could sell this for 20 dollars," I noted to myself. It's a shame I was still devoid of my hair though. I wonder why.

As I stepped into the marble flooring, immediately 3 agents popped out of pillars (man those guys have no lives), guns pointed at me. There was no way up the building, for they were standing in front of the stairs.

Well, there would be no way, had there not have been an elevator conveniently set up to my right. I stepped inside and closed the door.

"DAMMIT!" cried all three agents in unison, as they slapped their heads. They had forgotten to block the elevator.

"You should have known that your stair-camping ways can't defeat Bippy the Monkey! Buahahaha!" said I, before the door closed and I rose 25 floors up. It turns out that every single floor was filled with agents, and they were all hiding behind pillars waiting for my non-existent self to come up the stairway.

At last, I reached to the top, where I was greeted by a single agent.

"Mr. Anderson….. surprised, to see me?" mocked Agent Smith.

"Smith! Where is Morpheus?" I demanded, ignoring his question entirely.

"He's eating lunch right now at Downtown Buffet, so don't bother him now," said Smith.

"Really? The bastard made me come all the way over here just to wait for him to eat?" I asked.

"No you idiot, I was being sarcastic," replied the clever agent, "Who the hell would ever eat there? That place sucks. However, we'll give him back on one condition: that you beat me in a fight!"

Suddenly, he pulled out a gun, and fired 3 shots at me. I dodged them with speedy perfection. Well, actually, I bent down to tie my shoelace, and he just missed me. But that's not the point.

"Mr. Anderson, somebody's going to die tonight!" cackled Agent Smith manically.

"Not by the hair, of my-" then I touched my bald, bald head. "nevermind. Bad choice of reference from fairy tales. My point being, I can't die, I have health insurance!" The agent widened his eyes in shock.

"I guess it will be harder to kill you after all, Mr. Anders-" at that moment, I decided to shoot my magnums, and one bullet hit his stomach.

"Hey! That's against the rules!" choked Smith, as he collapsed onto the floor, with but moments left to live.

I gave him my 'as-long-as-I-kick-your-ass-I-didn't-break-any-rules' smile, before I walked back into the elevator. Suddenly, as I just pressed the button, I was teleported down to the bottom of the building, where hundreds of agents were waiting for me.

"How the hell did I get down here?" I gasped, so astonishedthat only a faint whisper came out.

"Plot device, Mr. Anderson, Plot device," the agent at the front replied. Then he gave me the same pompous smile I gave the dying Smith just a few seconds ago.

By then, I had no other choice. The men asked for it. Suddenly, I started turning the color green. I writhed on the floor, and I grew to three times the size I was. I gave a deafening roar, and I focused in on the first agent I saw.

"HULK SMASH!" I cried, a split second before I threw my fists on top of the poor agent, and a crackling sound was heard beneath my palms. This I did several more times to the other agents, who were stunned and thinking the same thing. How did he do that? How did he do that? How did he- and by then they were already just a pile of broken bones. In the end, a total of 97 agents died from my reign of terror. The other three had died from what scientists today call IIFB/HSD (immediate insanity from Bippy/Hulk Smash disorder).

Well, that ends my adventures in the Matrix. I phoned back home (literally) and settled down for a quite life drinking soup from trays and mopping. Bliss.

PS: Many of you may be wondering how the hell I changed from a cool long coated man to a raving lunatic. All I can say is… Plot Device, friends, Plot device.

This story is 33 percent accurate, 66 percent blamed on plot device.