The Merc and the Ninja
Chapter 23: Crikey, Look At The Size Of That Bloke!

By
The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- I don't own anything, all familiar characters belong to Marvel. Apart from Steve Irwin, he belongs to himself. I also don't own Crocodile Dundee or the Simpsons...

Shout Outs-

L1701E- Look out for an appearance from Kid Razor in 'Bandage Face and Wolfgirl' soon. It sucks that you have to take down 'Whose Line Is It Anyway', that was cool.

Agent-G- If by 'outback humour' you mean 'making fun of Steve Irwin' then yes, there will be plenty of it. I have a few ideas for stuff that the gang can do once they get back to New York. I can't tell you cuz... I'm mean.

Risty- Ultimate Dazzler scares me... Yay The Darkness!

Notes- None of the comments in this fic are supposed to be a slur upon those of Australian descent, they are only meant as clean, harmless fun. So please don't go flaming me for being Anti-Aussie. I liked 'Crocodile Dundee' and I have a Kylie Minogue calendar on my door, so there!

Somewhere in the Australian outback-

There is a small town in the Australian outback called Walla Walla. Just like several other Australian outback towns, nothing much goes on here. The town's population barely reaches over double figures and there's only one pub in town. The town used to be a thriving cattle town way back then but everything changed when the town's livestock was eaten by the poisonous kangaroos that hopped into town one day. Needless to say, the town has never properly recovered.

A lone kangaroo hops along the dust-strewn path with a newspaper in her mouth. The kangaroo hops over to the pub and drops the newspaper onto the doorstep. Then her sensitive snout detects something unusual, not a lone dingo on the prowl or a hyperactive crocodile hunter on his search for his new TV show, oh no, it's something different. This much is evident as a white teleportation disc appears in the air and several figures step out. The kangaroo take one look at the new arrivals and hops away in fear. The figures are, of course, Wade Wilson, Betsy Braddock, Jubilation Lee, Angelo Espinosa, Typhoid Mary, St John Allerdyce and Illyana Rasputin. Wade is wearing a hat with corks dangling from the rim.

'Hello Australia!' He shouts.

'Um Wade.' Betsy says. 'The town's deserted.'

'I knew that, Cute Buns.' Wade replies. 'I bet they're all in the pub.'

'I resent that, mate.' John says. 'Not all Australians are lager-swilling drongos!'

'Do you see anybody about here Pyro?' Wade asks.

'Well there's that dead lizard lying in the road.' Jubilee adds.

'And that rather large spider on that rock.' Typhoid says.

Wade lets out a girly shriek and jumps behind Betsy.

'Help Cute Buns, hide me!'

'Don't be such a pansy, Wade.' Betsy replies. 'It's only a spider.'

'A venomous spider, might I add.' Wade says.

'I don't think so.' Betsy replies. 'It doesn't look venomous.'

'That's what they want you to think.' Wade says. 'Then, when they bite you, your arms starts to dissolve and your butt falls off.'

'That's a load of crap.' Betsy says. 'No living spider can make that happen.'

'I don't see you touching it Betsy.' Illyana says.

'Yeah, Cute Buns.' Wade adds. 'If you're so tough, why don't you touch it?'

'Cuz I don't wanna...' Betsy pouts.

'All this talking about spider's has made me thirsty.' Pyro says. 'I'm going in the pub.'

'I'll join you.' Typhoid adds.

'Us too.' Jubilee and Angelo say.

'Off to the pub we go then.' Betsy sighs. She is about to step into the pub when she sees Wade poking the dead lizard with a stick.

'Poke, poke... Come on you lazy reptile, do something... Poke...'

Betsy just shakes her head and walks into the pub to join the others.

The pub is, as you would expect in a place like Walla Walla, most of the patrons are big hairy men with sweat stains on their vests, a ceiling fan sputtering over their heads and a game of Australian football playing on the tiny TV over the bar. The person behind the bar may be a woman but as with these outback places, you can't really tell between the sexes.

Betsy joins the others at the bar.

'What can I get yer luv?' The... ahem... woman behind the bar asks.

'I'll have a glass of water please.' Betsy replies.

'Beer it is then.' The... woman says.

'No, I asked for water.' Betsy replies.

'Yeah.' The... 'woman' says. 'Beer.'

'No.' Betsy replies. 'Wa-ter.'

'Be-eer.' The 'woman' says.'

Betsy just rubs the bridge of her nose in exasperation. 'Just give me a bloody beer then.' She groans.

Over in a moth-bitten booth, Jubilee and Illyana are talking while Angelo idly plays with a discarded dinner fork. Then a sweaty, hairy guy walks upto them and looks at Angelo.

'You call that a knife?' The sweaty-hairy guy asks. 'THIS is a knife!'

Angelo takes one look at the utensil in the guy's hand and cocks a curious brow.

'No offence man but, that's a spoon.'

The sweaty-hairy guy's eyes dart about nervously as he tries to think of a comeback.

'I see yer've played 'Knifey-Spooney' before then.' He says.

Angelo just watches in amazement as the guy walks of with his spoon.

'Is it me or is this trip starting to turn into an episode of the Simpsons?' he asks.

'It's not you.' Jubilee replies.

Over in another corner of the booth, Typhoid is downing an ice-cold beer while John visits the restrooms (not that you could really call them that.) She looks up from her beer as three more hairy-sweaty guys walk upto her table.

'G'day Sheila.' One of the guys says. 'You wanna dance?'

'No thanks.' Typhoid replies.

'I don't think yer understand me, luv.' The sweaty-hairy guy says. 'I want ter dance an' I always get what I want!'

'I told you, no thankyou!' Typhoid replies, this time louder.

'Oh I'm terribly sorry, luv.' The sweaty-hairy guy says, bowing chivalrously. 'Please excuse the misunderstanding.'

Typhoid just shrugs as she takes another swig of her beer.
Later-

The gang has now finished their trip to the pub and are about to leave when Wade catches sight of something in the corner of his eye.

'Crikey!' He says. 'Look at the size of that bloke!'

Betsy and the others watch in amazement as Wade runs off and tackles a crocodile to the ground.

'What the hell is a crocodile doing in the middle of the bloody outback?' Betsy asks. 'There's aren't any rivers for miles around!'

'It looks like the author wanted to get in one more Steve Irwin joke before he got bored.' Jubilee shrugs.

Betsy and co continue to watch Wade wrestle with an illogically-placed crocodile.

'Crikey, wooh, danger, danger, danger... Look at this bloke, he's sayin' Don't mess with me, I'm dangerous. Wooh, danger!'

'Wade has GOT TO stop watching Animal Planet.' Betsy groans.

END...

NEXT: New Zealand and the Avengers...