Uncanny Deadpool

Chapter 30: Third Time Lucky

By

The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- All familiar characters belong to Marvel.

Notes- Due to the extreme crappiness of the 'Crisis of Infinite Deadpools' idea, I have foregone writing that and decided to have Wade and co. do some actual work. Enjoy!
The offices of Deadpool Inc., the Baxter Building-

Wade and Betsy were hard at work in the offices of the Deadpool Inc. detective agency. They were presently attending to a client, a woman that believed that her husband had been kidnapped. Betsy was comforting the woman while Wade took notes.

'Okay Mrs Thomas, you think that your husband was kidnapped by the Hellfire Club?' Betsy asked. 'What makes you think that?'

'Well he works as an accountant, you see.' Mrs Thomas said. 'And one of his clients works at the Hellfire Club. He never told me the client's name though. Professional courtesy or something. John never did anything wrong in his life before, I don't even know why the Hellfire Club would want to kidnap him, he only stole a small amount of money.'

'Just how much is a small amount?' Betsy asked.

'Fifteen thousand…' Mrs Thomas replied. 'W-we needed the money. Our son, Billy, has leukaemia. We needed the money to pay the medical bills.'

'Now isn't the time to debate the moral implications of stealing, from the Hellfire Club or otherwise, so we'll get right on to your case.' Betsy nodded. 'You go somewhere safe and we'll get back to you when we find your husband, okay?'

'Thank you.' Mrs Thomas nodded. 'You're a life-saver.'

'Literally.' Wade added.

Mrs Thomas made her leave and Wade and Betsy made preparations to go to work.

'I'll get the car warmed up while you round up Terry and the others, okay Cute Buns?' Wade asked as he pulled on his mask and removed his guns and swords from the weapon cabinet behind his desk.

'Yes master.' Betsy teased, a cheeky smile spreading on her lips.

Josie's Bar and Grill-

Wade and Betsy were now joined by Theresa Cassidy, Felicia Hardy and Lyja the Skrull, aka Siryn, Black Cat and Lyja the Lazerfist.

The Deadpool Inc. team had ventured into the bar to gather information about the possible whereabouts of John Thomas. Unfortunately, Wade's definition of 'gathering information' was 'beat up the Stoolie until he squeals like a girlie-man.' And they were his own words.

Presently, Wade was holding an off-duty Hellfire Guard down on a pool table while he stuck a pool cue up said scumbag's nose.

'Now, will I have to ask again about John Thomas' whereabouts or will Mr Pool Cue have to get even more familiar with Mrs Nasal Cavity?'

'Go spit!' The guard hissed. 'I ain't tellin' ya nothin'!'

'I was hoping you would say that.' Wade said, grinning evilly under his mask.

The guard screamed in pain as Wade slowly, but surely, poked the pool cue further up his nose.

'Ahh! Ahh! He's in the Bronx!' The guard yelled. 'In an old warehouse that the club uses for executions. Please, no more.'

Wade pulled the pool cue form the guard's nose with a pop.

'Okay, thank you very much for your cooperation.' He said graciously. 'As a reward, you may choose from any of these fine prizes…'

Wade stepped beck and indicated Betsy and the others.

'You can chose from Ms Betsy and her psychic knife jammed into your hypothalamus…'

Betsy's fist took on a purple hue as she manifested her psychic knife.

'Or. If that isn't your thing, you can chose Ms Theresa bursting your eardrums with her sonic scream, Ms Lyja and… whatever the Skrulls do to torture their victims. No doubt it'll be painful and slow. Or Ms Felicia and her nice and pointy claw thingies…'

'Meow!' Felicia said, giving the guard a little wave.

'Or, you may want to skip all that and go for the contents of this very box…'

Wade held up a delicately wrapped box in one hand.

'The box!' The guard replied. 'The box!'

'Good choice.' Wade grinned, as he opened up the box. 'Say hello to Mr Fist!'

The guard let out a grunt as Wade slugged him right in the face.

'Was there really any need for that?' Betsy asked as she prodded the unconscious guard with her foot. 'He didn't even specify which warehouse Mr Thomas was being held in.'

'Aww dammit!' Wade hissed, kicked the unconscious guard. 'These Hellfire types are too soft. They break too easily. Pansies.'

The Bronx-

The Deadmobile, containing our heroes, pulled up a block or two away from the warehouse where the Hellfire Club were keeping Mr Thomas.

'Anything in the ol' Spider-Sense, Cute Buns?' Wade asked.

'If you mean whether the Hellfire Club are aware of our arrival… they're not.' Betsy replied.

'Okay then, let's go kick some ass!' Wade said, clapping his hands together.

Betsy and the others followed Wade as he carefully snuck towards the back of the warehouse.

Upon reaching a satisfactory was away, Wade motioned for everybody to stop.

'There's two guards at the back door.' Wade said. 'We'll need a distraction.'

'One distractions, coming right up.' Lyja said as she changed her shape into that of the Hulk.

Wade and the others waited for Lyja to do her thing.

'Raaagh! Lyja smash!' Lyja roared as she attacked the guards, tossing them around like they were nothing. Once she was sure the guards were down, Lyja changed back into her usual Skrull form and signalled the others to walk up.

'Nice work, Lyja.' Wade nodded. 'Now to go rescue our big wad of cash.'

'Ahem…' Betsy warned.

'Sorry, let's go rescue our client.' Wade corrected himself.

Inside-

John Thomas, accountant to the Hellfire Club, was in a pretty bad shape. He was strung up against the wall, hanging there like a side of beef on display in a butcher's window. His shirt was torn and bloodied and his face was full of bruises. His right eye was so swollen up that he could hardly see out of it. Several Hellfire Guards were stood around him, making sure that nobody was stupid enough to try and rescue him, while there boss was answering the call of nature.

'Man, that was the best crap ever…' Sabretooth, White Bishop of the new Hellfire Club, sniffed as he lit up a cigar. 'Now, where were we? Oh yeah, torture…'

Sabretooth perused the various torture instruments laid out before him.

'So many ways to choose and so little time.' Sabretooth said as he tapped his chin in thought. 'We've already had blunt and cold… How about pointy?'

Sabretooth picked up a nasty-looking dagger and turned it around in his hands.

'Nah, I'll leave the best til last. Why don't we try hot? Now, where did I put that blowtorch…?'

'Looking for something, bub?'

Sabretooth spun around at the sound of the voice.

'What the flamin'…?'

'What, no hug for an old buddy?' Deadpool asked as he walked out of the shadows. 'C'mon Vic, not even for old times?'

'I heard you reformed, 'Pool.' Sabretooth snarled. 'Not that it's gonna last though. Yer come here all alone. Christ, talk about stupid.'

'Oh, but I'm not alone…' Wade said as he held out his hands. 'Victor Creed, meet the family.'

Betsy, Felicia, Terry and Lyja all stepped out of the shadows and joined Wade.

'And yer brought a gang o' frails ter back ya up. Don't make ya any less of a pansy.' Sabretooth sniffed as he turned to the Hellfire Guards. 'Kill 'em. A lot.'

The Hellfire Guards obeyed and opened fire on Wade and co.

'I got dibs on the merc!' Sabretooth shouted over the gunfire. 'He's mine!'

'Nice to know you're wanted.' Wade sniffed as he somersaulted away form the hail of bullets. 'Even if it is by a guy that got beat by a buncha girls. (1)

'I am so sick of people goin' on about those frickin' girls!' Sabretooth snarled. 'The next one that mentions that gets their throat ripped out.'

'Well it looks tae me that yuir goin' tae get yuir butt kick by another bunch o' lasses.' Terry replied as she took to the air and knocked down some guards with her sonic scream. 'Jus' give yuirself up Creed, if ye cannae even defeat a bunch o' trainee X-Women, what chance d'ye have against us?'

'I'll rip ya frickin' heart out!' Sabretooth roared as he leapt at the Irish mutant.

'Oh no, that just won't do.' Felicia tutted as she leapt onto Sabretooth's back. 'Didn't your mother ever tell you not to hit a lady? Or perhaps it was your sister. You can never tell with inbred freaks like you.'

Sabretooth roared once more and threw Felicia from his back, smashing her against a crate.

'Yer gonna die slow, frail.' He said, slowly advancing on her. 'And I'm gonna enjoy it!'

'Not on my watch!'

Creed spun around just in time to have a chain hit him in the face. He roared in pain as his nose split, spraying blood down his face.

'Now I could get used to this.' Lyja grinned as she spun the chain around her head. 'Ghost Rider isn't the only one that has kickass chain skills!'

'Where did you learn that?' Felicia asked, picking up a gun that one of the guards had dropped.

'Pit fighting on the Shi'Ar homeworld.' Lyja replied simply. 'You're talking to the five time, five time, five time, five time, five time (2) women's pit-fighting champion!'

'And surprise, she's a wrestling fan.' Felicia muttered as she brought the butt of the gun down onto Sabretooth's back.

Funnily enough, Lyja wasn't the only superhero well known for their love of wrestling. Cleveland's own Kid Razor was a big wrestling fan too. He had even modelled his uniform on that of Shawn Michaels and the Ultimate Warrior.

'Nice try, frail.' Sabretooth growled. 'But one little ol' gun ain't gonna stop me.'

'How about this then?' Wade yelled.

BLAM!

Sabretooth roared in pain as he felt a shotgun shell explode in his back.

'Oh yeah, who's your Daddy?' Wade grinned. 'Or in your case, brother.'

'Enough with the frickin' hick jokes already!' Sabretooth snarled as he spun to face Wade. 'I'm gonna rip out your ribcage and use it as a hat!'

'Gotta catch me first.' Wade replied as he pointed the shotgun in Sabretooth's face. 'Go on Creed, make my day. You know you wanna…'

Sabretooth roared in anger and swatted the shotgun out of Wade's hands.

'Your ass in mine!' He snarled.

'Y'know, I always had you for that kind of a guy.' Wade said. 'You're so macho and butch. You know what people say against overly masculine men, right?'

'Shred ya!' Sabretooth roared as he slashed Wade's face.

'Oh, struck a nerve I see.' Wade chuckled. 'I got a whole list of these. How about I start ribbing you on your choice of underwear? I hear pink thongs are fashionable nowadays.'

Sabretooth threw Wade to the ground and began to throttle him.

'I'm gonna rip out ya lungs and us 'em as bagpipes! Use ya balls as earrings. Ya spine as a back-scratcher!'

Wade just yawned in reply.

'Bored now…' He sighed. 'Oh, and Creed, you're flying low.'

'What?' Sabretooth asked as he looked down at his fly.

'Psyche!' Deadpool grinned as he grabbed his shotgun. 'As a wise man once said, Bang, you dead…'

BLAM!

Sabretooth screamed in pain as Wade shot him point-blank in the groin.

'Now Cute Buns, now!' Wade yelled as he rolled out of Sabretooth's way.

On a gantry above their heads, Betsy nodded in reply and pressed a button that released a giant steel freight carrier, the kind that's used to carry cars. The freight carrier fell to the ground with a colossal boom, crushing Sabretooth underneath.

'Oh yeah, just like Lethal Weapon!' Felicia grinned.

'Lethal Weapon 2, actually.' Betsy replied as she climbed down from the gantry.

'Well let's get Mr Thomas out of here before our gracious host finds his way out from under that container.' Wade said.

'D'ye think he survived that?' Terry asked.

'Well if Wolverine can survive getting run over by a steamroller (3), then yes.' Betsy replied.

Wade stepped up and untied Mr Thomas from his bonds.

'It's okay now Mr Thomas, you're safe. Sabretooth won't be bothering you for quite a while.'

'Who are you people?' Mr Thomas asked weakly.

'Deadpool Inc.' Wade replied simply. 'We help the helpless.' (4)

'You are so going to get sued for that.' Felicia teased.

TBC…

Next: Mercs, Multiples and Magic, Oh My!

Loki, the Norse God of Mischief, sets Deadpool Inc, XXX Detective Agency and the Marvel Knights against each other in a global search for a mystical MacGuffin. As you do. Guest starring: Madrox the Multiple Man, Marrow, Strong Guy, Typhoid Mary, Pyro, Cloak and Dagger, Jennifer Cale and Satana.

Notes-

(1)- As seen in 'The Uncanny Sirens.'

(2)- All wrestling fans should know this. Booker-T is five time, five time, five time, five time, five time WCW Champion.

(3)- As seen in the pages of 'The Punisher.'

(4)- This is Angel Investigation's kind-of motto. By Angel, I mean the vampire with a soul, not Mr Worthington.

Also, for those of you that don't know, the title refers to how many times Betsy has met and fought Sabretooth. The first time was during the Morlock Massacre and the secind time was when Sabretooth was staying at the X-Mansion after Wolveirne jammed his claws through Creed's brian. Sabretooth of course, escaped and almost killed Betsy in his rampage. Hence the title, third time lucky.