Uncanny Deadpool

Chapter 31: Mercs, Multiples and Magic, Oh My!- Part 1

By

The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- All familiar characters belong to Marvel.

Shout Outs-

Agent-G- Yeah, I thought the 'Crisis of Infinite Deadpools' idea sucked too. It really wasn't one of my bets efforts. I haven't finished making fun of Creed and what happened to him in 'Uncanny Sirens' he's still got quite a bit of mocking to come. I seemed to be writing about almost all of the Marvel big bads apart from the ol' God of Mischief so I decided I'd have a go at having him pop up. If it's more Loki you want, watch out for an appearance from him in 'Uncanny Young Avengers.'

Thanks to- Shawn Provoncha.

Quote of the day- 'Hey everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butts smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.'- Moe Szyslak (The Simpsons)

Deadpool Inc. HQ, the Baxter Building-

It was business as usual for Deadpool Inc., as Betsy sat down with their latest client. Lawrence Keyes was a collector of rare antiquities and he wanted to employ Deadpool Inc. to find one such piece for him.

'I must admit that treasure hunting isn't really our forte.' Betsy said. 'But seeing that most of the cases we have are lost persons, we'd be happy to find this piece for you.'

'Thank you, Ms Braddock.' Mr Keyes nodded. 'Freya's Girdle is a wondrous piece. My collection would not be complete without it.'

'Do you have any identification for the item?' Betsy asked. 'We wouldn't want to nab the wrong piece.'

'I have a photograph if that helps.' Mr Keyes replied as he handed Betsy a picture of Freya's Girdle. It was a golden chest plate with lighting strikes carved in to it.

'Hmm, pretty piece of armour.' Wade said as he looked over Betsy's shoulder. 'You going to war or something?'

'I have a special fondness for Norse armour.' Mr Keyes replied. 'And Freya's Girdle is one such piece. It is so magnificent.'

'We'll get right in to the job, Mr Keyes.' Betsy nodded. 'We'll let you know about payment once we find the item.'

'You have my utmost gratitude's, Ms Braddock.' Mr Keyes said thankfully. 'Farewell for now…'

'Seeya.' Wade replied, giving Mr Keyes a jaunty salute. 'Nice guy, if a little old-fashioned. Who really says farewell nowadays?'

'It really isn't our place to nitpick, darling.' Betsy replied as she pulled open the closet where her 'work clothes' were kept. 'Just as long as we get paid, I'm willing to look past Mr Keyes' outdated way of talking.'

XXX Agency, Mutant Town-

It was business as usual for the XXX Agency as Jamie Madrox talked to their latest client. Lorne Keane was a collector of rare antiquities and he wanted to employ XXX in finding a certain item for him.

'Treasure huntin' is kinda out of our usual work, ain't it Jamie?' Sarah asked. 'We usually end up lookin' in to kidnapping cases or busting up drug rings.'

'Any work is good work, babe.' Jamie replied. 'So what's so special about this Freya's Girdle thingie?'

'It has long thought to be a myth.' Mr Keane replied. 'But I have just learnt that it is in fact real. It is located somewhere in Sweden.'

'So we're talkin' warm clothes then.' Guido added. 'Woolly sweaters and junk.'

'Unless we end up in one of those sauna dealies.' Sarah replied. 'With two hot Swedish guys called Sven and Olaf. Yum.'

'So, Mr Keane, have you got a photo of this Girdle thing?' Jamie asked. 'Just so we know what we're looking for.'

Mr Keane nodded in reply and pulled out a photo of a golden chest plate with a lightning strike motif.

'Ooh, shiny.' Sarah nodded. 'You goin' to war or somethin'?'

'It is just a piece that I would very much like to have.' Mr Keane replied. 'Just think about it, a legendary piece of Norse armour, formerly thought to be a myth. The mere thought makes me shudder in anticipation.'

'We'll get right on to this, Mr Keane.' Jamie said. 'We'll let you know about payment once we find it.'

'You have my sincerest gratitude.' Mr Keane nodded. 'I will forever be in your debt.'

'Uhh… sure.' Jamie replied. 'Seeya round, 'kay?'

Marvel Knights Agency, Hell's Kitchen-

It was business as usual for the Marvel Knights as Typhoid Mary talked to their latest client. Lonnie Kee was a collector of rare antiquities (starting to see a pattern here…) and he wanted to employ the Marvel Knights to find Freya's Girdle, yadda, yadda…

'Good job you came to us, Mr Kee.' Typhoid said. 'We just happen to have two of the utmost experts on magical doohickeys employed in this agency. Well y'know, people that aren't Dr Strange…'

'You have my utmost gratitude for accepting this assignment.' Mr Kee said gratefully. 'Freya's Girdle would look fabulous in my trophy cabinet.'

'There's just one thing, mate.' Pyro said. 'We won't have to break any rules to find this Girdle, will we? It's just that Typh an' me kinda have histories…'

'I was a schizo assassin and Johnny was a mutant terrorist.' Typhoid added. 'But we're good now.'

'You will not have to steal the Girdle, if that is what you mean.' Mr Kee said. 'It is hidden somewhere in Sweden. I have a photograph if you need it.'

'No need.' Satana, the redheaded succubus and daughter of Satan, replied. 'I know what it looks like. I saw it in one of Jenny's books when I was flicking through for pictures of naked guys.'

'Well you're not going to find any pictures of naked guys in a book about mystical Norse artefacts.' Jennifer Cale, blonde sorceress extraordinaire and former protégée of Dr Strange replied. 'Those kinds of books are in my private stash.'

'We'll get right on to the job, Mr Kee.' Typhoid said. 'Just let us round up Cloak and Dagger and we'll be on our way.'

'We'll let you know when we find the Girdle, 'kay?' Pyro added.

'Once again, I am indebted to you.' Mr Kee said. 'Farewell.'

The Marvel Knights gave their respective goodbyes as Mr Kee left their building.

Upon exiting the building, Mr Kee revealed his true form: Loki, the Norse God of Mischief!

'My plan hast been set in motion.' Loki chuckled to himself. 'Three teams of heroes racing to find the same item? One that does not even exist? Ha! Yon heroes wilt not know what didst hit them.'

Loki continued to chuckle to himself as he faded away. Messing around with the three teams could wait for a moment; he had to see a young woman in California…

'It hast been such a long time since I didst last see you Jessie.' Loki's disembodied voice said. 'Thou art ignorant of thy true lineage. Thou hast the blood of Gods coursing through thy veins and it ist time for thy real father to show you the full benefits of thy powers…'

TBC…

Next: Mercs, Multiples and Magic, Oh My!

Deadpool Inc., XXX and the Marvel Knights face off in Sweden. Trolls, wolves and frost giants galore. 'Nuff said.

For Loki's adventures in California, check out future chapters of 'Uncanny Young Avengers.'