Uncanny Deadpool

Chapter 32: Mercs. Multiples and Magic, Oh My!- Part 1

By

The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- All familiar characters belong to Marvel.

Shout Outs-

Mimato-4eva- Yay! My 100th review! Thanks darlin'. I would reward you but the money would have got stuck in the disc drive. Thanks for all the reviews by the way. This story now has the most reviews I have ever had.

GothikStrawberry- Yup, everybody is after the girdle. It's all part of Loki's cunning plan.

Agent-G- Since when is Loki not up to no good? Heh.

Thanks to- Shawn Provoncha.

Somewhere in Sweden-

There was a flash of light and our heroes appeared in the snowfields of Sweden.

'Wow, your teleporter thingie actually worked.' Felicia snickered. 'When was the last time that happened?'

'I'm surprised that it even got us this far.' Wade replied. 'Frickin' piece of junk.'

'If your teleporter device is so temperamental, why not ask Reed Richards to have a look at it?' Lyja asked. 'I'm sure that he'll happily give you a cut-price consultancy fee.'

'It's a little too late for that now.' Wade sighed. 'We're already on an assignment. Perhaps I'll have a word when we get home.'

'First we need tae find this Freya's Girdle or whatever this magical doo-hickey's called.' Terry added. 'Have ye found anythin' with yuir telepathy yet, Betsy?'

'Nothing concrete.' Betsy replied. 'But I can sense something from inside those caves in front of us. I don't think we're alone.'

Wade brightened up at the sound of that.

'Scantily clad Swedish chicks?' He asked hopefully.

'In this weather?' Betsy replied. 'I don't think so.'

'Aww, nuts.' Wade pouted. 'I guess we'd better investigate anyway.'

Elsewhere-

A mile or so east from Deadpool Inc.'s position, the Marvel Knights emerged from a magical teleportation disc.

'Brrr.' Satana shivered. 'You never think how much you'd miss Hell until you get teleported into the middle of the Swedish snowfields.'

'Don't tell me yer cold, Sheila.' Pyro snickered. 'It's a little brisk, I admit. But it ain't really cold.'

'I'm surprised you can say that at all, Johnny.' Dagger replied. 'You're Australian, it's usually hot there so why aren't you shivering and bitching about the cold?'

'I guess I'm more used to the cold.' Pyro shrugged. 'And the fact that I'm too polite to bitch about the weather.'

'Can we please hurry this up?' Typhoid asked as she wrapped her arms around herself. 'My nipples could cut through glass by now.'

'Glad to hear it, Typhoid.' Jennifer Kale winced. 'I can sense something magical nearby so it shouldn't take us long to get home.'

'Thank God for that.' Typhoid muttered as she followed the others on their search for Freya's Girdle.

Elsewhere-

Deadpool Inc and the Marvel Knights weren't the first ones to reach the caves however as Jamie Madrox and his team somehow got there before them. The wonders of modern air travel, I guess.

Madrox had conjured up a few Multiples and had them running recon.

'Your mutant power is just an excuse to sit on your butt all the time, ain't it?' Marrow asked as she wrapped her hands around a Thermos full of coffee.

'Sometimes it is.' Madrox replied as he sipped his coffee. 'Can you blame me?'

'Guess not.' Marrow shrugged. 'It must be a boon during sex. Having all those Multiples going at it.'

'As you very well know.' Madrox replied with a cheeky grin.

'Geez. Too much information, thanks.' Strong Guy winced. 'Can we get this wild goose chase over and done with already? I'm starting to get piles sitting on these cold rocks.'

'Piles of what?' Marrow asked faux innocently.

Strong Guy just ignored her and rubbed his butt.

'Screw this. I'm going in to investigate. You two can sit out here getting piles if you want but I'm gonna do some work.'

'Have fun.' Madrox nodded as he gave his friend a wave.

Strong Guy just muttered under his breath as he headed inside the cave.

Deadpool Inc.-

Wade took the lead as he led his team into the cave through a separate entrance from Madrox and his team.

'What is it with these mystical MacGuffins and dark, dank caves?' He asked. 'Why can't they be hidden somewhere nice, like… Florida?'

'You only want to go to Florida so you can go see Mickey Mouse.' Betsy replied.

'If I wanted to go see Mickey Mouse, why didn't I say California?' Wade rebuffed. 'Or France even?'

'Because France is crap?' Felicia asked.

'I thought ye liked France.' Terry said. 'Y'know, all of the cute French guys.'

'This from the woman that used to work there.' Felicia snickered.

'It was a moment of weakness.' Terry replied. 'It wasnae as if I liked workin' in Paris.'

'Let's get our priorities right, people.' Betsy said, quickly taking control of the situation. 'We're here to find Freya's Girdle and the sooner we find it, the sooner we can go home to our nice, snugly boyfriends.'

'Speak for yourself, Betts.' Felicia replied. 'Your nice, snugly boyfriend is already here.'

Betsy turned to see Wade with his tongue stuck to one of the cave's frozen walls.

'Why me?' Betsy sighed.

The team continued on their search until Lyja stopped straight in her tracks.

'Did you guys hear that?' She asked.

'Don't tell me yuir gettin' scared.' Terry snickered. 'A nasty ol' Skrull warrior.'

'I'm serious.' Lyja replied. 'There's somebody in here with us.'

The others looked about the cave to try and find whoever, or whatever was in their with them.

Betsy put her hand to her head as she made a quick telepathic scan.

'There are people in here with us.' She announced. 'Two whole gangs if them.'

'Man, it looks like we've all been suckered in to this.' Madrox sighed as he led his team out of the shadows.

'Oh great, now we're gonna have to share the loot.' Satana muttered as the Marvel Knights stepped out.

'Hey Johnny, Typh.' Wade nodded. 'Long time no see.'

'We were a little busy.' Typhoid replied. 'If it's not miniature Carnage clones or evil purple dinosaurs, it's winged monkeys throwing their poop at you.'

'We whupped the Punisher.' Marrow added. 'Well, I did.'

'Call me suspicious but I'm starting to think that we've been set up.' Cloak said.

'And set up thou hast, mortals.' A gravely voice replied. 'Thou hast intruded on the realm of the Frost Giants and now thou wilt pay with thy lives!'

'Me and my big mouth.' Cloak groaned into his hands.

'Deadpool inc., assemble!' Wade ordered, as he got ready to fight.

'Must you really say that all the time?' Betsy groaned as she dodged a blow form one of the Frost Giants' clubs.

'Everybody's gotta have a battle cry, Cute Buns.' Wade replied as he shot a Frost Giant in the chest. Unfortunately, his gunshot had no affect. 'Oh crap…'

Luckily, Terry was there to save him as she let rip with a sonic scream, shattering the Frost Giant's icy body.

'Mah hero…' Wade said in a faux Southern accent.

Over with Madrox and co, Strong Guy was wrestling with a Frost Giant's foot that that threatened to crush him.

Strong Guy grunted in exertion as he ripped the foot from the giant, making it tumble backwards into its fellow giants.

'I say running would be a good idea.' Typhoid said as she fought her way through more frost Giants. 'Great team-up this has turned out to be.'

'Oh I don't know.' Jennifer Kale replied as she shattered a Frost Giant with a magical fireball. 'I've found it to be quite an experience.'

'To think I gave up some red-hot Multiple sex for this crap.' Marrow muttered as she drove a bone dagger into the eye of a Frost Giant. 'How do you stop these guys? They're really starting to piss me off.'

'Everybody make a run for it.' Jennifer replied. 'Satana and I will hold these things off.'

'No need to tell me twice, babe.' Strong Guy replied as he did as he was told barrelled through more Frost Giants, making his way out of the cave.

The others followed suit as the two witches began to chant a spell.

The Frost Giants roared in rage as they began to fall apart.

'We're melting…' They screeched. 'Melting… Oh, what a world…'

Once the spell was cast and the Frost Giants had been vanquished, Satana and Jennifer sighed in relief.

'These things won't stay melted for long.' Jennifer explained. 'So we'd better get out of here.'

'Best ideas I've heard all day.' Satana nodded as she followed Jennifer out.

'We'd better make sure that those giants don't come after us.' Betsy said. 'Anybody got any ideas?'

'Smash the cave mouth in.' Strong Guy replied.

'I'm with ye.' Terry nodded. 'One sonic scream and the cave wilnae be able tae stand.'

'After you, Red.' Strong Guy nodded.

Terry let rip with a sonic scream, making the cave start to shake. After that, Strong Guy slammed his fists into the ground, making the cave mouth fall in on itself.

'Are you sure that was a good idea?' Dagger asked. 'Wasn't that cave a national landmark or something?'

'Oops…' Strong Guy winced.

'Who cares anyway?' Marrow shrugged. 'I just wanna go home and have a nice, long, warm bath.'

'I need a drink.' Wade sighed as he began to walk off.

'I'm hungry.' Satana added as she followed.

'Aren't you guys curious as to who set us up?' Madrox asked. 'It could be anybody. The Hellfire Club, Doctor Doom, Magneto…'

'Loki.' Jennifer Kale replied. 'This has his foul stench all over it.'

'I think that might be me, actually.' Felicia added. 'I must have trodden on something nasty.'

'Looks like wolf poop to me.' Dagger replied.

'There are wolves here?' Felicia asked fearfully. 'Why wasn't I informed?'

As if in reply, a spine chilling howl could be heard coming form the nearby forest.

'I think now would be a good time to leave.' Felicia said. 'Preferably some time now…'

'Good idea.' Betsy replied as she slowly began to back away. 'Run!'

Everybody did as they were told as they set off after the purple-haired ninja, pursued by a pack of ravenous wolves.

TBC…

Next- Wade Wilson: When Nature Calls

The Black Panther guest stars as Deadpool Inc. travels to Wakanda to help quell a civil war between two Wakandan tribes.