Uncanny Deadpool

Chapter 33: Wade Wilson: When Nature Calls- Part 1

By

The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- All familiar characters belong to Marvel.

Author's Note- First off, I'd like to apologise for the lack of updates as I have been on holiday. But I am back now and ready and raring to get back to some ficcage. Enjoy y'all!

Deadpool Inc HQ, Manhattan-

It was business as usual for Wade Wilson and friends as they conferred with their latest client over the videophone. Their client was… T'Challa, the king of Wakanda and long-time Avenger known as the Black Panther!

'Now, Mister T'Challa, Your Royal Majesty… ness.' Wade said as he bowed before T'Challa's image. 'We are honoured by your presence. How may we be of service, your all-powerful king-ness?'

'Wade, don't be such a kiss arse.' Betsy sighed telepathically. 'It's demeaning.'

'Says the woman who used to wear that fruity ninja-bikini thing.' Wade shot back.

'Don't make me take you around the back and give you a spanking.' Betsy warned her partner.

'Why Ms Braddock, are you trying to seduce me?' Wade grinned with a flutter of his eyebrows.

'Just carry on with the briefing before I hurt you.' Betsy glared.

Wade knew that Betsy Braddock wasn't one to make idle threats so he decided to focus his attention on the royal client.

T'Challa simply ignored Wade's ill-concealed brown-nosing and carried on with the conversation.

'I require Deadpool Inc.'s services.' T'Challa explained. 'Wakanda is home to several tribes of minorities. Two of those tribes have been embroiled in a very bloody war for many generations.'

'Not that we don't want your business or anything…' Felicia began. 'But I thought Wakanda is your business. Why bother asking for your help?'

'I have preferred to keep business in Wakanda to myself.' T'Challa answered. 'But sometimes a king must swallow his pride and ask for help. I can offer you a handsome sum if you complete this task for me. More than you can imagine, perhaps.'

'Oh, I don't know…' Wade stroked his chin thoughtfully. 'I can imagine an awful lot…'

'What my partner means to say is that we will be honoured to take your assignment. Just… What do you need from us?' Betsy inquired.

'The sacred totem of the M'Butu tribe has been stolen.' T'Challa explained. 'They believe that the B'Kala has stolen the totem. That is what you must do. Find out who has stolen the M'Butu's scared bat.'

'Whoa, whoa, whoa…' Wade blinked. 'You want us to find a scared BAT?'

'Would that be a problem?' T'Challa asked.

'I'd say so!' Wade snorted as he began to dance about, flapping his arms like a bat. 'Bats… Eww! With their huge fangs and great grotesque wings!'

'Just ignore my partner, your majesty.' Betsy apologised. 'We will prepare immediately.'

'Very well.' T'Challa nodded. 'I will send my private jet to pick you up. Think of it as your own.'

That soon made Wade snap out of it.

'We get our own private jet, eh?' Wade smirked as he stroked his chin in thought. 'Will there be beer?'

'Fresh from Wakanda's finest breweries.' T'Challa replied.

'Just point me at the runway.' Wade grinned.

T'Challa's private jet, later-

Wade and the rest of Deadpool Inc. were sat comfortably in T'Challa's private jet as it flew across the Atlantic. To say that the jet was luxurious would be an understatement.

Wade sighed happily as a stewardess handed him a freshly poured beer.

'Mmm, this is the life, eh Cute Buns?' Wade grinned. 'We got ourselves a spiffy plan and endless beer on tap. I wonder if His Majesty will sell us a coupla kegs.'

'You know what the Wakandans are like about exporting stuff.' Betsy replied as she sipped her fine Wakandan wine. 'But if he does, I bet that it'll have one hell of a price tag.'

'But that wouldnae be a problem after we find this bat, right?' Terry asked. 'The amount that T'Challa's payin' us, we could afford… three kegs o' beer.'

'I thought you were a recovering alcoholic.' Felicia piped up.

'Just sayin' is all.' Terry sniffed.

'It's a pity that Lyja couldn't join us.' Wade sighed. 'I know how much she likes travelling. What happened to her anyway?'

'Didn't you hear?' Betsy asked. 'Lyja's pregnant.' (1)

'Get out!' Wade gasped. 'Who's the father?'

'Johnny Storm, ya goof!' Felicia snorted. 'Everybody knows. There was a big baby shower.'

'Why wasn't I invited?' Wade asked hurtfully.

'It was a strictly girls-only thing.' Terry replied. 'Ye wouldnae have liked it anyway, all fluff an' frills.'

'They'd better hope the kid's a girl.' Wade snorted. 'Or it'll be one confused little boy.'

'Reed already ran a scan.' Betsy commented. 'Although how you can tell a baby's sex when it's just an embryo is beyond me.'

'This is Reed Richards we're talking about.' Felicia laughed. 'He's got to be the smartest guy ever, right? How can he not know what sex the baby's gonna be?'

'You'd better not let Hank McCoy let you hear that.' Betsy chuckled. 'The poor guy can get unusually jealous sometimes.'

'Talkin' about the Beast, did ye hear about what happened to Emma Frost?' Terry suddenly remembered.

'I know!' Betsy replied with a grin. 'She's pregnant too! (2) Jean musta hated that!'

'Oh yeah.' Felicia snickered. 'Another telepath stealing her thunder. But that's not all that unusual for you X-Men, right? If all the stories I've heard about the Frost/Grey-Summers feud are true…'

'They are, trust me.' Betsy sighed. 'I wish I was alive to see it all, though.'

'Didn't ye use t' have a crush on Cyclops, Betts?' Terry teased.

Betsy just shot the Irish redhead a glare and turned back to Wade. The former Merc-with-am-mouth was staring at out the window fearfully.

'You okay, luv?' Betsy asked concernedly.

Wade yanked the window closed and looked at Betsy with a fearful expression.

'There's someone one the wing!' Wade whimpered. 'Some… thing!'

'No more TV for you.' Betsy sighed.

The Wakandan Embassy, the next day-

After Deadpool Inc. had been taken to their respective rooms and had a good night's sleep, it was time for them to meet the king of Wakanda in person. All four of them were dressed up to the nines, the women wearing dresses that cost almost as much as the gross output of a small African nation.

Wade was fidgeting nervously as he had chosen to forgo his image inducer and therefore was there in his scabby, scarred glory.

Betsy gently squeezed his hand as one of T'Challa's servants led them to meet their client.

'There's really nothing to worry about, luv.' Betsy reassured him. 'I'm sure His Majesty won't be put off by the way you look. He's an Avenger. He's most probably seen the Scarlet Witch in a worse state.'

'Yeah.' Felicia snickered. 'That woman must be a bitch before her morning coffee.'

'If some o' the stories I've heard about her are true…' Terry winced. 'I'd prefer no' tae think about it…'

'I pity the fool that denies the Scarlet Witch her coffee.' Wade snickered as the group headed towards T'Challa. The king of Wakanda was greeting some random dignitaries.

'I can't believe I'm actually going to meet a king.' Felicia squealed, grinning excitedly. 'A real, live king!'

'I can see what ye mean.' Terry nodded. 'Meetin' Namor is one thing, but meetin' the Black Panther? That's a completely different thing.'

Once T'Challa had finished meeting the random dignitaries, he turned to see the four members of Deadpool Inc. with a smile.

'Ah, Mr Wilson, Ms Braddock, it is such a pleasure to meet you in the flesh.' T'Challa said as he kissed Betsy's hand.

'Likewise, your majesty.' Betsy curtseyed in reply. 'Now, about this sacred bat that has been stolen. Do you have any idea who might have stolen it?'

'Recent surveillance has led me to believe that a team of metahuman mercenaries is responsible for the theft.' T'Challa explained. 'I have their files ready for you.'

T'Challa motioned to a servant who handed several files to Betsy. The first file featured a picture of a moustachioed man wearing an orange head covering that covered almost all of his face, leaving his nose, mouth and chin bare. His eyes were covered with a black eye-mask. He was Georges Batroc, aka Batroc the Leaper, often enemy of Captain America.

Next was a brunette woman with a black eye-mask and diamond earrings. She was Rachel Leighton, aka Diamondback, former member of the Serpent Squad and ex-girlfriend of Captain America.

Third was a guy dressed in a yellow and red quilted suit. He was Herman Shultz, aka Shocker, Vibro-Glove toting enemy of Spider-Man.

Last, but by no means least was a guy with a black mask with a boomerang attached to his forehead. He was Fred Myers, aka Boomerang, Australian assassin with a talent for well… boomerangs.

'Well, that's some motley crew you've got there, Your Majesty.' Wade noted. 'We shouldn't take long to solve this problem. It's not as if these guys are A-List or anything. Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.'

'Is your associate all right?' T'Challa whispered to Betsy. 'It almost seems as if he has been hit on the head many times.'

'It's just how Wade acts normally, Your Majesty.' Betsy replied. 'There's nothing to worry about really. He'll soon drop into serious mode once we start searching for the scared… you-know-what.'

'You mean sacred bat, right?' Felicia blinked. Betsy shot the former cat-burglar with a glare.

'Ahh! Bats!' Wade squealed. 'Get them off! Get them off!'

'Perhaps recruiting Deadpool was not such a good idea…' T'Challa sighed.

TBC…

Next: Wade Wilson: When Nature Calls- Part 2

Deadpool Inc. takes on Batroc and co. as they search for the scared… you-know-what.

Notes-

(1)- Lyja found out that she was pregnant in 'The Uncanny Four.'

(2)- Emma Frost found out that she was pregnant in 'Uncanny New X-Men.'