Uncanny Deadpool

Chapter 34: Wade Wilson: When Nature Calls- Part 2

By

The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- All familiar characters belong to Marvel. Also, as many of you may have guessed, this chapter is based upon the movie 'Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls.' I also do not own that movie.

Shout Outs-

Sean Malloy-1- I think there are enough pregnant women in the URM-Verse, don't you agree? I already have a possible candidate for Felicia. Look out for future chapters of 'Uncanny Avengers' to find out who it is…

GothikStrawberry- I'm glad you liked the last chapter. Yay! Here's another update!

Agent-G- Diamondback wasn't present for the fight with Wolverine, Storm, Captain America and the Scarlet Witch. She doesn't work with the Serpent Squad anymore, she's a freelance mercenary now.

Thanks to- Snowie the Almighty.

Wakanda-

A sword cut through the dense undergrowth of the Wakandan jungle and a black and red clad figure stepped through. Deadpool Inc. was on a mission. T'Challa, the Avenger known as the Black Panther and Wakanda's king, had assigned Deadpool Inc. to search for a missing sacred bat that belonged to one of Wakanda's minority tribes. Which didn't bode well for Wade and his phobias.

'Uch, bats…' Wade muttered as he hacked his way through the underbrush. 'Hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em.'

Wade gave Betsy a telepathic shot-out. It had been the purple-haired telepath's idea to split up, that way they would cover more ground. They were keeping contact via Betsy's telepathy.

'The jungle path's clear so far, Cute Buns.' Wade reported. 'How're the highlands?'

'Bloody cold.' Betsy telepathically responded with a shiver. 'I swear, my nipples could cut diamonds!'

'That reminds me…' Wade tapped his chin in thought. 'Must pop in and say hello to Emma Frost…'

'I'll call you when I've got anything of interest, luv.' Betsy responded, ignoring her partner's lechery.

'Already missing you, Cute Buns.' Wade gave Betsy a mental kiss before signing off and moving on his way.

Later-

A little while later, Wade found that the jungle began to thin out, leading towards a roaring river. There was also a ramshackle hut standing on the riverbank with a pair of battered jeeps parked nearby.

Wade called T'Challa via Betsy's telepathy.

'Sorry for disturbing you, Your Highness, but do you have many poachers camped out in the jungle?'

'I certainly hope not.' T'Challa responded. 'My country has a zero-tolerance policy on illegal animal poaching. You are by the river, correct? Then it is unlikely that the people you see are poachers. The poachers usually keep to the Great Plains.'

'Then it looks like I've found our mercs…' Wade reported as he cautiously investigated one of the jeeps. 'This jeep's got a French bumper sticker. It's gotta be Batroc. Freakin' cheese-eating surrender monkey.'

'Don't do anything hasty, luv.' Betsy chipped in. 'These guys're dangerous.'

'There's no need to worry about me, Cute Buns.' Wade mentally grinned. 'Danger's my middle name.'

'I thought yuir middle name was Big Daddy.' Siryn added. 'Well, that's what ye told me back in the day.'

'Let's keep our attention focused on the mission at hand, shall we?' Wade swiftly changed the subject. 'If you don't hear anything from me in five minutes… wait for five minutes more!'

And with that, Wade cut off communication and snuck around the back of the hut to find a way to get inside.

Inside the hut-

The quilt-wearing villain known as the Shocker paced about the hut impatiently.

'For crying out loud, will you just sit down!' The Australian mercenary known as Boomerang groused as he put his feet up on a rickety table with the Sacred Bat in a cage on top. 'Yer really startin' to get on me nerves, ya flamin' gallah!'

'I think I can hear a dingo eating your baby, mate.' Shocker glared back.

'Well you two eediots please shut ze hell up?' Batroc groused. 'Zis iz a verrry sensitive plan. I do not want anyzing to go wrong.'

'Did anybody understand what the hell this guy just said?' Shocker groaned. 'I'm sorry, but me no speaky surrender monkey!'

'Stop teasing the Frog.' Diamondback swatted Shocker upside the head. 'Even if it is fun.'

'Preaching to the choir, hotness!'

All four villains spun around to see Wade standing there with his swords drawn.

'Now, what do you nice people say that you give me the… bat… and I'll keep the bruising to a minimum?'

'Screw you, 'Pool!' Shocker hissed as he pointed his Vibro-Gauntlets at the Former-Merc-With-A-Mouth. 'Fifty bucks on the one that gets this freak's scalp!'

'Aww, where's the love?' Wade quipped as he vaulted over Shocker's blast and kicked the villain in the head. 'Ooh, that musta hurt!'

'You weel pay for zis transgression, Deadpool!' Batroc snarled.

'Sorry Frenchie…' Wade apologised. 'Didn't understand a word you said.'

Batroc tried to leap at Wade but ended up getting clipped by the pummel of Wade's sword.

'You know, I thought going to Wakanda for a job would be hard work.' Wade grinned as he leapt about the room, avoided vibro-blasts and boomerangs alike. 'You guys could at least put up some kind of defence. You're embarrassing yourselves as well as me.'

'Ya talk too much, 'Pool!' Boomerang snarled as he tossed one of his boomerangs, hitting Wade square in the chest. Wade gurgled in surprise before falling face first on the floor.

'Is that it?' Boomerang blinked. 'Just one boomerang to the chest?'

'Weird.' Shocker shook his head. 'D'you think he's dead?'

'There's only one way to find out, mate.' Boomerang replied as he stood over Wade and pulled off his mask.

'Aww, geez!' Shocker winced as he turned his head in disgust at the sight of Wade's scarred face. 'He certainly looks dead.'

Boomerang went to pull Wade up to his feet. Suddenly, Wade's eyes popped open, eliciting a scream from the Australian assassin.

'Boo!' Wade grinned as he dealt Boomerang a swift kick to the groin. Boomerang clutched his groin and fell to the ground with a groan. 'Oh yeah, who's the daddy? Say my name, baby!'

Shocker was about to blast Wade with another vibro-blast when he yelled in pain and convulsed as if he was having a fit.

'About time you got here, Cute Buns.' Wade nodded as Betsy withdrew her psychic knife from Shocker's head.

'Just making sure that you didn't get beaten up too badly, lover.' Betsy gave her partner a sexy wink. 'Oh balls, Batroc's buggered off.

'Diamondback, too.' Wade frowned as he put his mask back on. 'It looks like we've got ourselves… a chase scene!'

'There were a couple of jeeps parked outside.' Betsy remembered. 'Why don't we use those?'

'I've got an even better idea, Betts.' Wade grinned evilly. 'T'Challa loaned me a little something…'

Outside-

The trees whipped past Batroc and Diamondback as they drove through the Wakandan jungle.

'I knew it was a stupid idea joining up with you guys.' Diamondback groused as she struggled to hold on to the steering wheel. 'I would have had more luck joining up with somebody like Toad or Hydro-Man!'

'I am glad zat you 'ave faith in me, mademoiselle.' Batroc rolled his eyes. 'We weel reach our rendezvous point soon and we weel be away from zis accursed jungle!'

'I wouldn't be so quick to say that…' Diamondback countered as she indicated the reflection of something in the rear-view mirror. 'Look!'

Batroc turned around to see a monster truck burst through the jungle behind them. Deadpool had his head stuck out the window and was firing wildly at them while laughing like a maniac!

'Bwa-ha-haaa!' Wade laughed as he shattered one of the Jeep's rear lights. 'Run all you want, Frenchie! I'm gonna get you, cuz I'm the Gingerbread Man! Wait… That's not right. Dammit!'

Batroc turned back to watch the jungle in front of him. He yelled in surprise as Felicia jumped down from the trees above and landed on the hood.

'Hi…' The vigilante known as Black Cat grinned. 'I believe you have something that doesn't belong to you…'

Batroc hissed in anger as he lunged forward at the black-and-white clad vigilante. Felicia easily avoided the French mercenary and tossed him out of the Jeep.

Batroc screamed like a girly-man as he was catapulted into the air. Fortunately, Siryn was there to catch him.

'Not so cocky now, are ye boyo?' Siryn grinned as she punched the French assassin in the face, knocking him out.

'I'd stop the car now, if I were you…' Felicia warned Diamondback.

'What the…?' The redheaded mercenary blinked.

Felicia leapt off the hood of the jeep just as it clipped a fallen tree trunk, catapulting Diamondback and the caged bat into the air.

Siryn managed to catch the bat but Diamondback ended falling face-first into a big pile of dung.

'Ooh…' Felicia winced. 'That's gotta suck…'

'That's why people wear seatbelts.' Siryn tutted as she lowered herself down to the ground.

Wakandan Embassy-

With the sacred bat safely returned to its tribe, and Batroc and co. had been taken in by the appropriate authorities, it was time for Deadpool Inc. to bid T'Challa and Wakanda goodbye.

'I promised you a heft sum as payment…' T'Challa began as he handed Betsy a black suitcase. 'And I always keep my promises, as you will see if you open the case.'

Betsy opened the case and goggled at the huge amount of cash within.

'Oh my…' The purple-haired Brit blinked.

Wade's jaw fell as he peered over Betsy's shoulder.

'Oh my stars and eggplants…' Wade blinked. 'That's one hell of a load of money!'

'What are you going to do with your share of the reward, Wade?' Felicia asked.

'I'm goin' to Disneyland!' Wade cheered. 'Then I'm gonna join the X-Men! I'll show Worthington what a real rich man's like!'

'Sometimes I worry about you.' Betsy shook her head. 'But it would be nice to see Jean and Ororo again.'

'I'll say.' Wade waggled his eyebrows suggestively. 'Rrowr!'

TBC…

Next: All Good Things…

It's the last chapter of 'Uncanny Deadpool' as Wade and Betsy disband Deadpool Inc. and join the X-Men. 'Nuff said!