Chapter 4: A Small Confession or Two

A/N: This chapter took a couple of re-writes. It's both longer and shorter than I wanted. What drives Dr. Randall, as well as her unease around Carson, but the door opens for other possibilities. Slight spoilers from "Letters from Pegasus" and "Conversion." A little Scottish humor and history.

I made it to the gateroom ahead of Dr. Beckett. Colonel Sheppard was already there, looking slightly puzzled. Ronon and Major Lorne were also standing around.

"I'm flattered. I didn't think I needed the entourage," I tried to joke.

Ronon shot me a "I don't make the rules," look and Major Lorne commented, "Just in case something goes wrong and we have to carry you back to the jumper."

I rolled my eyes and decided to have a little fun, "Are you saying I'm fat?'

Silence. Apparently no matter what galaxy you are in, that is still one of the most dangerous questions for any male. Except, for Dr. Beckett, who had just walked in.

"Well, lass, you could stand to add a few more pounds. Are you sure you're up for this trip? I could give you something for the pain?" noticing me wincing from another onslaught of images.

"No, I'm afraid that might interfere with what I need to do. It looks worse than it really is." I was sweating from the fever and the headaches were getting worse, but I tried to sound better than I did. I didn't miss the looks exchanged between Sheppard and Beckett. I could only imagine what state Dr. McKay was in, I wasn't there yet, but I was in the same zip code.

Dr. Weir came in to wish us well. I could read the concern in her face. Despite everything that went on here in Atlantis, I guess you still don't get used to your people in danger.

The first part of the trip was uneventful. I tried to break the silence. "Well, I'd never have thought I'd be saving McKay's life twice in a day." "Was that really only this morning I thought to myself?"

"What happened that I didn't hear about?" asked Dr. Beckett eying Colonel Sheppard and myself.

"I brought chocolates to the lab. They just happened to be spiked with Cointreau. I didn't know he was allergic to citrus."

I hadn't seen Major Lorne laugh before, but I thought he was going to hyperventilate. Colonel Sheppard was laughing silently, Ronon was smiling, and Dr. Beckett looked like he wasn't sure whether to laugh or scold me for almost sending Dr. McKay to the infirmary. His look changed again when another huge wave of pain washed over me. I was getting worse, fast.

"We can turn back if we need to, there are a couple of things we haven't tried yet," pressed Dr. Beckett.

"No, I can do this, I need to do this, I have to do this," I said, probably sounding more like a tired and cranky six-year-old.

"Why do you have to do this? Why are you staking everything on this belief that you can talk to the Ancients or whatever this thing is," interrupted the Colonel, in his most innocent, but probing voice.

Maybe it was the tone. Maybe it was that I was tired, tired of fighting, tired of denial, tired of hiding that I decided to answer. "I need to believe in something, that this Ancient gene and the extra sequence means something, anything," I shuddered a little, knowing where my explanations were taking me. "Besides this is my choice. Did Major Andrews tell you what happened to me?" I asked, voice showing emotions and pain. There was no turning back.

A few nods. Dr. Beckett added, "He said they ran some experiments…"

"I don't know how they found out that I had the gene, much less the extra sequence. All I know is they grabbed me off the street. They knew I could activate Ancient devices. They knew a crew from Stargate Command made it to Atlantis – I guess they got a copy of the transmission you sent. They also got the crazy idea that maybe the extra sequence had something to do with Ascension."

I took a deep breath and plunged on. "All their reports stated that Ascension occurred when the person was near death, so they, they…" I drew my knees up to my chin, reliving things that I had tried to suppress. "They killed me, then brought me back, maybe a dozen times, I lost count. I tried to fight, fight them, fight the drugs, the chemicals, part of me wanted to die, but they wouldn't let me. I couldn't do anything," I sobbed face pressed against knees. "They just kept trying and bringing me back. Then, if that wasn't enough they brought me here, and ordered me shot, when they didn't find what they were looking for. If Major Andrews hadn't…"

There was dead silence for a few minutes. I couldn't believe I had spilled my darkest moments to four almost strangers. Maybe it was the fever. "I never told anyone before, even the Major knows only part of it," I whispered. Colonel Sheppard looked a little spooked. I knew he had had his brushes with death, but most of them had been of his own choosing. Ronon looked lost in thought, and Major Lorne tightened his grip on his P90, searching for words to mitigate something that violated all laws of combat.

"Oh lass," Dr. Beckett put a hand on my shoulder. I didn't move to knock it off. I knew I'd just brought up his own set of ghosts, but he'd never done something so deliberate…

I looked at him through tear-filled eyes and smiled slightly. "When the Major and I took off, I gave my word I'd have my revenge," absentmindedly I rubbed a small scar on my wrist. "I drew blood. There is no turning back. It's what keeps me going during the dark hours."

Dr. Beckett raised a quizzical eyebrow.

""You didn't know? The town I grew up in, several of the surrounding towns, everyone either came over after the failure with Bonnie Prince Charlie or with the 78th Regiment. What could we do? They would have taken away the language, the culture, maybe our lives?"

"So you're saying you're Scottish?" interrupted Colonel Sheppard.

"Aye."

"So you own a kilt," joked Major Lorne grateful for something to lighten the mood.

I smiled in spite of myself. "Yes. Several. You know why they call a kilt a kilt? " I let my brogue get thicker than Dr. Beckett's. "Cause they kilt the first man who called it a skirt." Ronon looked a little puzzled. I'm sure someone would explain later. Dr. Beckett gave me a conspiratorial look. "I know, it's probably a little odd, we've kept the traditions, almost raised them to legendary status. It's why I didn't major in history, we're still living it where I grew up, who did what, family honor, it's why I left, it's what I miss…" I let my voice trail off, afraid that I'd dig up fresh pain. I already felt I'd shared too much. I was relieved when Colonel Sheppard announced we'd reached the planet.

TBC