raspberries
"The school nurse tells me you said you felt nauseous," Misato commented halfway home. I didn't reply, just stared out the window at the passing scenery. After a moment I felt Misato look at me again and she frowned. "Talk to me, will you? You never get ill. Apparently you were dizzy, had a ringing in your ears, a churning stomach, and you were having difficulty seeing properly. What was that all about? Did you make it all up?"
I watched a little girl in a yellow dress waving a balloon at the cars as they flowed past the spot on the pavement where she was standing. She was going to lose it any moment, I swear. It was bobbing around in the breeze like – well, like a balloon in the breeze.
"Shinji, are you even listening to me?"
"Mmhm," I murmured, more interested in the group of people disembarking from the train. Especially a fat man who was having trouble travelling anywhere because every time he tried to move in one direction a swarm of people would move in the opposite direction, forcing him back.
"Well? Why?"
I sighed and faced her. "I told you. I felt nauseous. I might need to take a few days off."
"Oh no you won't. You're fine, Shinji, and I'll believe that you are ill only when I see definite, concrete proof."
"... Misato..."
"Don't Misato me. Stop dancing around. Why?" She drove the car to a halt as we reached the street on which our apartment was and looked me square in the eyes. I never realized how dark her eyes are. Maybe it was the lighting. Maybe because she was worried. Or maybe for some other reason unbeknownst to me. "Is it something at school? You're not skipping class because of assignments, are you?"
I shook my head.
"Well, then, what is it? Are you getting bullied?" Hmm. Odd. I'd never told Misato that I ever got bullied, and it only happened occasionally – even less when I entered high school – but Misato could always tell if it was bothering me. For one thing, usually I'd come home injured somehow, or with marks, or she'd somehow notice a difference in my attitude. I'm not sure how she does it. She must be more observant than I give her credit for.
"Did you have a fight with Toji or Kensuke?" she pressed. "What about that new kid, the one you brought home the other day?"
I just stared at the dashboard, unwilling to give an answer. Misato knows me better than I do. Something must have clued her in because she was quiet and nodded, saying softly to herself, "I see."
"Well, I'm sure you're overreacting," she concluded at length. "Now, let's get you inside and see if you really are sick."
I honestly wasn't feeling one hundred percent. It's true, I don't get sick very often, but maybe I'd caught a virus lately. It's conceivable. Anyway, Misato sat me down with a glass of water and a bowl of hot soup – from a packet, so I knew that it was safe to eat – and she offered me a jumper. "Feeling cold?" she inquired. I shook my head. "I'm fine." But, strangely enough, I was interrupted by a short hacking cough, which rather hurt my chest. Maybe I was actually ill.
"Here." She gave me a painkiller and a thermometer. A rectal thermometer. I looked at her. She sighed. "Look, swallow this first." And she popped the painkiller out of the capsule, dropping it in my palm. "Now go and take your temperature." I gave her a sceptical look. "I'm not doing it for you!" she exclaimed. I rolled my eyes and went to the bathroom to take my temperature. Why couldn't she have bought one of those ear thermometers? At least then I wouldn't have to sodomize myself every time I thought I was sick. Shinji, you sick hentai, stop thinking about Kaworu.
"Well?"
"39," I muttered. "Oh, you've got a fever, I'd say ..." Misato sounded a little surprised. I was too, myself – as I've already said, I don't get sick too often. Must be a bad bug going around.
"Go and have a lie down," she suggested. Normally I would have complained, but at this moment, a soft, warm bed in which I could just relax and fall asleep sounded like absolute bliss. My brain was even slower than usual and my eyes hurt. "Thanks," I managed to squeak out. My throat had become all blocked up, like with mucus. Damn virus. I could almost see hundreds of little germs dancing around in front of my eyes. She watched me with a worried face and called out, "I'll bring you a glass of ice water and extra blankets if you get hot or cold."
She really does look after me. She may seem slapdash and irresponsible but she really does care. I often think how lucky I am to have her. (Although more often than not I find myself thinking how unlucky I am to have her.)
And I must have been a little delirious, because even the summer weather seemed very cold inside my room, and I slipped off to sleep within a few minutes.
X
There was a little boy standing in the corner; he could have been any age, from a young child to a teenager. Nobody knows why he stands there or what he does – he just talks sometimes, and listens mostly.
People don't often see him. He used to be seen but gradually, he just faded away, and even though he tried to keep a hold on things they slipped away.
And he grabs her by the front of her dress and accidentally spills raspberry ice cream on her. It was an accident, but the stains won't come out. Stains are so hard to get rid of. It's all over his white shoes too. You can't even wash shoes. You have to wipe them, and there's no way that raspberry that deep will come off by wiping it. The red is swirling and rushing forwards, and it spirals around to create a big, dark, foul tunnel of red, moist and sticky. It's almost black, it's so dark, and it's difficult to see.
But even the dark ignores him, and it's as if he doesn't even exist. Even the dark redness of raspberry ignores him and although the silence is hurting him, stabbing him like a knife, he can't tell anybody. Nobody will listen. Nobody ever even notices him. He's alone. All alone, and there is nothing.
Nothing. "Shinji!"
I woke with a start, sharp and detrimental, jerking from my slumber like a fish from the water with a hook through the roof of its mouth. I was soaking, my bed drenched in sweat, my sheets were on the floor next to me and my clothes were twisted around me so tightly that my joints felt numb. My eyes snapped open and I saw Misato kneeling over me with a wet facecloth. "Wha – what are you doing?" My mouth felt dry and it was disgusting to speak. My throat was dry too and I practically snatched the glass of water she offered to me and downed it with one greedy gulp. "You've got a fever," she said in an exasperated tone, wiping my face and forehead with the wonderfully cool cloth. "You must be delirious. You were yelling."
Now, Misato's noticed this several times before. She knows that I'm prone to disturbed sleeping. I have fits and screaming episodes in the middle of the night often, and when I'm only half awake I think she probably comes in with a drink and sits me in her lap, soothing me until I drop back into a troubled sleep. But the way she said it, it was as if I slept normally most of the time. Oddly enough, I appreciated it. I didn't really want to hear her say something like, "You were screaming and thrashing again," because that was what really did happen, and she knew it, and I knew it. But I was grateful that she chose to treat this time as an effect of my illness. I didn't like to be reminded that it was a habitual occurrence.
"You really are sick, aren't you? I wonder how it happened. It must have been something awfully strong to get to you." She made it sound as if I were invincible – it was almost laughable. I wish. "You'd better not go back to school tomorrow."
No, I didn't really want to either. "But I think if you get up for a walk and some fresh air, maybe just sit out on the balcony, it might do you some good." I was feeling rather hazy so I obeyed her and went out to the balcony in my shorts and left my shirt open. I was so hot – it was odd, as just before I'd slept, I'd felt very cold. "I must have a temperature," I mumbled, still feeling dreary.
Sitting on the floor against the balcony wall, I did wonder briefly if Kaworu had anything to do with it. He probably did. I mean, it wasn't like I believed that he'd cast a curse on me or anything, but that situation with Kaworu while we were pinning up the posters certainly was rather awkward. It shouldn't have caused me become this sick, though. Maybe it was just a freak coincidence. Caused by worry or stress. Yeah, Kaworu was definitely causing me stress, which wouldn't help ...
"Wow, hey Misato, how's it going? Hey, is Shinji home?" I heard Kensuke's voice faintly. No, please, I silently prayed. I really don't feel like facing him now. Please don't let him in. Say I'm sick. I'm resting in bed. In the bath. Anything.
"Hey, Shin!" Kensuke's head passed through the balcony door and I cursed Misato for being good-natured enough to let my friend pay me a visit to cheer me up. "I heard you left school because you were sick. That true?"
I stared up at him. I must have looked quite a mess – my hair was tousled and sweat streaked, my clothes crumpled and half hanging off me, my eyes droopy and dark ... great, he was going to get all this on camera, too.
But when I looked up I was surprised to see Kensuke in his school uniform, hands empty and a somewhat reserved (not to say unusual) expression on his face. His eyes widened slightly. "Wow, you look like something the cat dragged in, and the dog wouldn't eat." I became queasy at the picture that formed in my mind. Thanks, Kensuke. He sat down next to me. "School just finished. Kaworu told me that you rushed off suddenly to the nurse. He was a bit upset, I gotta say. Said something about being blind to the fact that you were feeling unwell."
Well, he would be upset, considering that he made me feel sick what with all those questions and the freaky philosophical stuff and the mind reading and everything – really, Kaworu was just bad news in a package.
A very nice package.
But that was beside the point. The point was that I really didn't want to think about Kaworu now. I just wanted to get better, honestly, that's how bad I was feeling. My stomach was churning and my head was spinning a bit. Kensuke was quiet. He seemed awfully understanding and patient today. I couldn't figure it out. Maybe he was just trying to be nice because I was sick?
"Well, if you see him ... tell him I say hi. And tell him not to worry or be upset or anything," I said quietly. A cough sputtered out of my chest and I hunched over, covering my mouth fiercely so that the germs and stuff wouldn't go anywhere near Kensuke. "Where's Toji?" I wheezed.
Kensuke gave me a heavy pat on the back, helping the coughs to subside. "Ah, that's interesting. He went to say something to Hikari. I'm not sure what."
I allowed myself a small smile. In a strange way, I did sort of want Toji to stop being so defensive and just accept that he liked Hikari just as much as she liked him. Kensuke was looking at me strangely, and I snapped out of my daze, which was rapidly leading into a delirious daze. (Which would have most likely led me straight into a painful sleep, miserable and sick, the way I was.)
I gave him a questioning look. "Shin..." Kensuke blushed, and then he scratched his head, added, "Oh, what the hell..." then he looked at me and asked boldly, "Shinji, do you like Kaworu?"
I frowned. "I guess. He's ... a bit arrogant ..." I had to lie about it, but I couldn't think of the right word to call him. 'Sexy' wouldn't have been a good choice in front of Kensuke. "Why?"
"I didn't mean that sort of like – oh, I just thought perhaps you ... well, I noticed."
"Noticed? Such as?"
He shrugged embarrassedly. "Well, you always stare at him, you try to spend most of your time with him, you flush when he touches you..."
Well I was flushing now, that was for sure. Kensuke, of all people, noticing!
"It's okay. I think he likes you too. You aren't exactly ugly, Shinji."
"What?"
Ken looked even more embarrassed and shrugged again, as a habit of nervousness. "Well, it's true. Even I see that. And the girls like you. They just think you're a bit weird, and a bit of a loner. But some of them say things ..."
I didn't really want to hear anymore. I hadn't expected Kensuke to come over and start telling me he thought I was pretty. I would have rather gone without knowing. Another thing to add to my list of worries.
"Ah, well, get better soon, Shin. I want you back at school, y'know. And I'll tell Kaworu you said hi and all ..." he stood up, glancing at my bare torso with a faint flicker of worry. "Oh, by the way, have you been eating? You've lost weight."
My cheeks flushed and I self-consciously drew my shirt shut and nodded. "It's just the sickness."
"I see." He nodded. "I'll come back tomorrow ..." he slid the door shut, waving goodbye from behind the glass.
Which left me to contemplate Kensuke's sudden maturity – which was rather scary, I might say – and his sudden concern ... was he finally growing up? Kaworu seemed to be having big effects on all of us. Me getting sick, Kensuke growing up, Toji talking to Hikari without a trace of spite ...
"Okay?" Misato came out with a glass of cold water and I drank it eagerly, throat dry and scratchy. I nodded. "He didn't bring homework, did he? I was afraid that you were going to get work, and then you'd stress, and the more you stress the longer you'll take to get better ..."
I shook my head. "It's okay. He just came to say hi."
She just sat with me for a while, staring out at the sky and sipping her own drink. It was almost otherworldly; the quietness of the apartments, the sky above us with wisps of cloud and the sun a little greyish, the air shimmery with humidity. The sounds of traffic floated up in an echo and it was all somehow so nostalgic – it gave me a very odd feeling.
It was peaceful, but there was an edge to it that suggested something I'd forgotten long ago that was trying to be present in the subtlest things around me. The corners of the windows, the colour of the shadows beneath my feet, the way Misato's hair blew very gently in the breeze ...
Even though I was sick it was relaxing out here. I almost had forgotten the stinging eyes and sore throat.
After some time my drink was gone and Misato glanced down, offering, "Do you want to come inside and have a very light dinner?"
I was feeling rather hungry, and it would have been nice to have something, so I nodded. "Just something light." I didn't think my churning stomach could handle much food. Especially not all at once. I rubbed my stomach absentmindedly and sighed – sadly, my muscles were now well defined, but more from lack of stuff covering them than doing any working out. Never mind. I wasn't one of those gym junkies like some of the guys at school who worked out every day just to get buff. I just wanted to put on a bit of weight so I wasn't a 'weed' as Toji had put it so tactfully. Even Ken had noticed – and he'd commented too, which led me to believe that if even Ken had noticed ...
"Here." Wow, everybody was just full of surprises today. Misato had heated up some pasta for me and made a light salad, and it was very nice. I think my stomach was quite pleased. All in all, I felt full after the meal, and oddly satisfied. It was strange ... my life right now was at the pits, seeing as I had just fallen out with Kaworu and on top of that I was sick, but somehow I just felt ... content. Like everything was going to be okay and I was happy with life the way it was. There wasn't even anything particularly good, or even encouraging, but I simply felt quite happy anyway. It was almost like my life was starting to pace itself out and I could just relax, and even the past was slowly fading, and I found that it didn't hurt me so much to look back.
Maybe it was just the deliriousness of the illness I had.
I wasn't pressured to fulfil other people's expectations – on the contrary, since my standing up to Kaworu, if it could be called that, I realized that I could set my own standards and not always play by somebody else's rules. I had an incredible feeling of freedom. But yet ... there was a heavy weight on my shoulders from the knowledge that Kaworu had allowed me to cut myself off so easily. Didn't he even want to remain friends? Or was I just overreacting? It was so hard to know, it could have been a combination of both, or he could have taken my words to have a different meaning and assume that we were still good friends – after all, the only thing that I'd really said was to stop the questions. Not really much of a reason for our friendship to stop, there.
Kaworu probably did see things in a different light. He was different, after all. How many people had ruby red eyes that seductive? And when he's sweaty, he's even more beautiful ... I'm nearly eighteen. I shouldn't need to be thinking about these things. My mouth went dry. It was difficult – sure, I'd never taken particular notice of any girls or boys before – but Kaworu was a completely different story altogether. His voice was so enticing, and his funny smile with that quirk in his lips ...
Stop it, Shinji! You don't need another shower. That was another strange thing. Being seventeen, it was obvious that by now I would have done something about my lower half quite a few times, but before I met Kaworu I never really cared where I was as long as I didn't get caught. But now, I'll only let myself do anything in the shower – it feels so dirty otherwise, and I only do it if I'm sure I can get clean afterwards. As I said before, it's ironic how something like that in the shower will make you feel dirty and clean at the same time.
"Going for a bath?" Misato peered at me. "You're all pasty and you look deep in thought. Off in la-la land?"
Might as well take a bath. Too bad if Kaworu's given me enough imagery for a wet dream tonight. Fuck him.
... Great going, Shinji.
X
I didn't go back to school until two days later. Kensuke came to visit me every day and Toji came after that too. Kaworu didn't come. I was disappointed on the inside but I tried to fool everybody else, including myself, into thinking the opposite.
"You sure you're feeling okay?" Kensuke hissed for what must have been the tenth time in the last three minutes, when the teacher's back was turned. I sighed. "Yes, Kensuke. I'm all better now, thank you."
"Kensuke! Please give us an example!" the teacher yelled.
Kensuke shot bolt upright, stammered some illegitimate nonsense and proceeded to give a mumbled slur of an answer.
The teacher sighed. "Yes, Kensuke, very good. I shall never fail to wonder how you can succeed although you never seem to be awake or paying attention in class."
"I'm just talented, miss." He grinned sheepishly.
I took this opportunity to glance at Kaworu. He was just gazing somewhere into space next to the teacher, his chin in his hand and a faint smile on his lips. He hadn't paid any attention to me whatsoever since I'd come back – then again, it was only first class I guess ...
But by the time recess came I had realized with a rude awakening that Kaworu was ignoring me, and to make matters worse, I was feeling the sting. I hadn't expected to be upset by a lack of attention from Kaworu.
... okay, fine, I had, but the point is that he knew I was disappointed that he wasn't paying attention to me. I didn't know what to do. Would he ignore me throughout recess, too? I didn't even know if I wanted to talk to him – well, I wanted to hear him speaking, but ... well, I just didn't want him to continually bring up matters that had bad connotations to my childhood. I didn't like the awkwardness that always made itself present during conversations with him. Was it a coincidence that almost everything he said seemed to relate back to that? I didn't think so. He knew I had a painful past somehow ... what I couldn't figure out was why he seemed so interested in it, so persistent in getting it out of me.
But this time, fate didn't leave the choice up to me. I didn't get a chance to decide whether I should talk to him or not because as chance had it, he spoke to me first.
I should have guessed.
"Feeling better, Shinji?"
"Yeah. I just – I think I just had a bad flu or something."
"I was worried about you."
There was a silence. Damnit, where were Kensuke and Toji? Why did they always have to leave me alone with this weird ... scary ... freaky ... mesmerizing god ...
I was losing it. Yep, I was definitely losing it.
I fiddled with the bottom of my shirt, not knowing what to say. I wanted to ask him questions, but I was afraid that he either wouldn't answer them and would be angry, or that he'd simply reply with questions of his own, which was the most likely thing to happen.
"Are you doing anything after school?"
I shook my head. I did have homework but I really didn't feel like doing it. It could wait. I had to catch up on three whole days of missed work, and I wanted to put it off for as long as I possibly could ...
"Why don't we go for a walk or something then?"
What the? What a strange invitation ... almost sounded like a date ... whoa, Shinji, let's not go nuts! Everything related to Kaworu always has to take on a different meaning lately, doesn't it? Why can't you just accept him as a new, normal friend?
Well, that would be because a) he isn't normal and b) I'm not sure that a 'friendship' being what it is, would work out so well.
Lost for an answer, I simply nodded. What was the worst thing that could happen? He wouldn't ask me personal questions again after my little outburst, I was sure, and to be honest, going for a walk with Kaworu anywhere sounded great to me.
Jesus, what sort of an idiot am I? I'm crazy about Kaworu, it's obvious. But then, I try to make myself dislike him – I'm trying to push him away again. Just accept it, Shinji. You like him. No! I won't have it! I can't accept that, because he reminds me too much of before. Everything he says seems to take me back. I don't want to, I can't. But then again, Kaworu is so ...
I am so confused.
"Oh, good. I'll show you a lovely place I found when I first moved here."
'What was the worst thing that could happen?' Plenty of things could happen! Oh, Shin, you're hopeless; what have you got yourself into now?
I knew that berating myself wasn't going to help but nonetheless I had to rant and rave at somebody, and let's face it, everyone already thought I was crazy enough without me holding a debate with myself about going for a walk with a 'friend'.
Well, at least one problem was solved. I took it that Kaworu wasn't going to ignore me – hey, wait! He'd known that I missed his attention ... he just did that so I'd get desperate and agree to go for a walk with him because I wanted his company so much!
I hit myself in the head, muttering out loud, "You are such an idiot, Shinji!"
Kaworu jumped up, alarmed. "Shinji, what are you doing?"
I glanced up. "Um ... well, just kicking myself for ... remembering how much homework I have ..." It was feeble, I know, but I probably would have said that truthfully in a different situation anyway. I'm not very interesting, or original. Besides, he believed it.
He frowned. "Don't hit your head. You might hurt yourself."
I grinned weakly. "Yeah, I guess." His face relaxed into a smile again. Goddamn, does he know what that smile does to me?
"Smile more often. You look amazing." No, that wasn't from me. That was from Kaworu.
From Kaworu?
I turned bright red and managed to stammer out a barely intelligible, "Thanks."
Just then Kensuke appeared and I hurriedly put my chin in my hands to hide the blush. No way I wanted him filming that. "Where were you?" I demanded. Kensuke grinned. "The surfing class just came back."
Kaworu looked confused but I just gave Kensuke a somewhat bored and unimpressed gaze. "Nice, Kensuke. Nice." No doubt he'd sneaked himself some more footage of girls in swimming outfits or something. His excuse was that he was practicing angles and things, but I wasn't that shallow. He shrugged and sighed, "Ah, Shinji, I fear that you will never appreciate the finer points of filming."
"I fear that you will never realise the depravity of perverts," I muttered under my breath. "Where's Toji?"
"Detention. Yesterday during lunch he beat another kid up."
"Why?"
Kensuke shrugged again. "Guess he was angry."
There was another silence, and I became horribly aware that the girls behind us were talking rather loudly about the health benefits of sex, and they weren't being subtle about it at all. "It says here that sex helps you burn off calories, and it stretches and tones just about every muscle in your body!" "Wait, look, it also relieves depression, insomnia and stress!" Ironically, I suffer from all three conditions, and I get laid very little.
The idle chatter went on and I hastily blurted out, "So, what are you doing after school today, Kensuke?" He looked a little startled – I got the feeling that he'd been concentrating on what the girls were saying. "Hmm? Me? Oh, nothing really. I've got to go and see a cadet force for an application ..."
"Kensuke! This came from one of your teachers," Hikari came over and slammed an assignment that had been marked on the desk. She seemed angry. Kensuke had noticed too but he isn't known for his tact nor subtlety. "Wow, what's wrong, class rep?" She grunted. "Nothing."
Kensuke gave her a weird look. "If you say so." He obviously thought that it was apparent that she was lying.
She gave a short, "Hrmph!" and stormed off. Kensuke watched her as she left then suddenly clicked his fingers. "I bet it's because Toji got a detention!"
Kaworu, who had been watching the whole exchange with a mild, laid-back expression, now crossed his arms and tilted his head up. "It's funny, their relationship, isn't it? They like each other, yet they pretend to hate each other."
Hah. Sounds like a mutual version of our own relationship, doesn't it, Kaworu? Except Kaworu didn't 'like' me and he didn'tpretend to hate me. I suppose that compensated itself, really. He didn't like me but he didn't hate me. I could live with that. Now if only I could figure out myself. I like him – I can't really deny that. But he's so perfect, and I'm really not good enough for him, not to mention that I'm afraid of getting close to people ... If only I weren't such a coward I could get to know him better.
"They should get to know each other better," Kaworu said in an off-hand manner. I glared at him – he was doing that freaky psychic thing again. I knew he could do it, he knew that I knew; it went on and on. But the point was that he did it on purpose to annoy me. Couldn't he just stay out of my head for one moment?
Which got me thinking. Did that mean that he could read my mind all the time?
I was already blushing red, but by this stage I was so red it must have appeared that I'd burst a blood vessel – Jesus, what if he knew what I thought about him? If he could see into my mind all the time, then ... I snuck a glance at him. He still wasn't looking at me, and was talking with Kensuke. Perhaps he couldn't see into my head all the time. I sure hoped so.
There were only a few minutes left until we had to go back to class so I was a little surprised when Toji strolled in the door anyway, looking casually satisfied.
"Toji!" Hikari ran up to him, but stopped herself awkwardly. "Why did you beat that student up?" she resorted to her usual scolding. Toji just shrugged. "I was feeling pissed at him." Hikari pouted slightly and shook her head. "Be nice, okay?" Kensuke whistled when she was out of hearing range. "Is it just me or is she getting really cute lately?"
Toji scowled. "Who cares? She's so nosy." But Kensuke was right – somehow, Hikari was becoming very pretty, and maybe it was just me (after all, since Kaworu was here a lot of weird things were happening to me) but her bossiness wasn't so annoying these days. It was more ... cute. In a way.
"Great timing anyway, Toji! Just in time for class!" Kensuke said brightly as the bell went. I looked at Kaworu again, still worried about the mind reading thing. But there was no response and I flopped back in my chair, disappointed and nervous.
X
I didn't know how I could have let myself wind up here, walking along the beach with Kaworu. Things were weird enough as it was. Everything in the past week seemed like such a dream – I'd changed so much already. Everybody had. I didn't even know myself anymore. I was having serious thoughts about my childhood, and somehow I could make myself see it again without instantly shutting a black curtain over the whole lot.
I looked out to the sea and sighed. Everything was so different. Kaworu's hand slipped inside mine suddenly and I looked at him, alarmed. Kaworu was looking at me in that eerie way again. This was getting more romantic, so to speak, than it needed to be.
It spooks me so much, those red eyes. Like they're alive of their own accord. I can almost see fire dancing in them. I blinked and tried to ignore the obscure thoughts.
"You've been through a lot," Kaworu said as if he'd been reading my thoughts. "You must be very brave."
I shrugged, at the same time attempting to pull my hand away without success (seeing as I wasn't really trying, it was no wonder). Here we go again. He knows exactly what happened to me. Why does it matter? How does he know?
"Don't you get scared? Or hurt? The damage to your mind and heart would be too much."
More than you can imagine, I answered silently.
"You must feel the need to talk to somebody about your problems. Don't you get lonely?"
Kaworu was correct – sometimes, I feel like I'm decaying from the inside. All the weight and responsibilities become too much – so many times, I just want to scream and let it all leak out. All the pain and so much more that had scarred me ... and even though I tried to make myself oblivious to it, it was always there.
I didn't say anything, but looked away and took my hand away from Kaworu's. "The human heart is a very fragile thing. Don't you think so?" His voice was soft and had a distant tone to it and he could almost be talking to himself. He stepped in front of me and looked at the horizon, the wind blowing his hair into his face. "Your heart needs somebody to care for it." He turned, right in front of me and I stared at him, unable to take my gaze from Kaworu's dark unblinking eyes. Jesus Christ, he's so beautiful ...
Kaworu stepped forward slowly and closed his eyes, soft lips covering mine in a soft, warm kiss. What the fuck? My eyes widened and I pulled away, alarmed. But Kaworu just smiled at me, indifferent. "A heart needs love."
I turned bright red. How was I supposed to react to that? My heart was hammering and my temperature had suddenly shot up. My fist clenched and I cursed myself for being stupid enough to go anywhere with Kaworu. The centre of my half pull, half push conflict where I didn't know what was up, what was down, if I wanted him, if I hated him. Great. Did he do that on purpose just to further scramble my brains or something? To make my head explode for fun?
I found myself stuttering, "Uh, don't – I don't –you – I – I, well, why – " But it was obvious that I didn't have the faintest clue where to start. And to make things worse I couldn't even understand why he had done it, unless it was some nasty sadistic trick to see how far he could push my poor brain before it exploded beyond repair.
"Did you like that?" Kaworu asked simply.
I shut my mouth and stopped the stuttering. After a moment, without even knowing I'd said it until I had said it, I replied, "Yes."
Kaworu nodded thoughtfully.
I put my hands on my hips, suddenly realising what I'd just said, and stammered, "What – what was THAT all about?"
He brushed his hair out of his eyes unconsciously. "You need love."
That's it. I have had enough. I already told him to stop the freaky questions. Now he's giving me freaky answers.
"Kaworu, tell me how you know things," I demanded, hands on hips. "Can you read my mind all the time?"
Did you read it when I was in the shower? How about now?
"I can only sense vague thoughts in a haze if the person is close to me. If you stand more than a few steps away I won't get anything."
Thank the lord for that. I didn't want Kaworu to know I was thinking of his hot, wet mouth when I came in the shower.
But what about when Kaworu is close enough to read my thoughts? If he's that close, it's also close enough to invoke my emotions, meaning that anything he 'reads' is most likely inappropriate ...
Why is this so hard?
"I like you, Shinji," he said suddenly. "I want to help you. I feel that you're hurt." The light was reflecting off his red eyes giving him an ethereal look and I stared again, mesmerised. He chuckled softly and took my chin very softly between his finger and thumb, and I didn't pull away. "You're so pretty ..."
That's not the first time I've been called pretty. But it's the first time that I don't have to wonder about whether it's meant as a compliment. I didn't pull away; I couldn't. His eyes were hypnotising me.
"Tell me about your family," he whispered. At that, I did pull away. "No," I said in a trembling voice. "Please stop bringing it up."
He glanced at the ocean. "You can't hide from it forever. You have to face it. Or you'll never be able to get on with your life."
I know that. I just keep telling myself that tomorrow will be the time when I really look into it. And it's never tomorrow, you know? It's always today ... He's just trying to sidetrack me again. He just used that scene to open up a new opportunity to ask me again! Why? He didn't even mean it or anything ... a warm tear slid slowly down my cheek but I ignored it. So what if I'd just been disappointed and hurt again? So what if I knew that Kaworu, the one person I liked and thought I could actually trust, was just toying with me and mocking me?
"Why don't you want to talk about it?"
"Why do you want to know so desperately?" I bit back. He continued staring at the ocean but replied, "Are you just going to keep it to yourself forever? Don't you even want to share it with another person? Shinji, you can't remain afraid forever."
My chest contracted with a sob but I held it in, too proud to let Kaworu see. He could play with me, push me over, leave me to rot away, but I wouldn't give him the pleasure of seeing me cry. He didn't have that much power over me.
Neither of us moved for a long time and I think we just stood there in the faint afternoon sun until it began to become dark and the wind became a little chillier. At any rate, I just stood there stubbornly, too proud to walk away yet too embarrassed to actually say anything. The sound of the waves washing up against the rocks was cleansing, to me, and I just listened to it, doing nothing else, my eyes hooded and shoulders hunched.
"I like you, Shinji. I want to help you."
He was just playing me. I knew it. He hadn't meant it. He didn't mean anything. He was just like everybody else. Insignificant. Meaningless. Empty.
He didn't care. I had been an idiot to fall for him from the first. Why had I fallen for him? Because of his good looks? Was I that shallow? He wasn't anything special ... he was just ordinary ... well, that didn't work. I knew that wasn't true at all. But I still had another argument. He was only pretending to like me, because he wanted to hurt me like everybody else ...
But he's not that sort of person, somebody whispered inside me. Is he?
I don't know, I answered silently. I don't know him at all. He could be, for all I know. I don't know anything about him.
You know that he's kind, and sweet, and tactful, and he knows the right things to say, and he knows the right times to smile at you, and he even tries to help you.
It's all pretend! It's only a pretence, to –
But why would he want to hurt you? What will he gain? What point is there?
I could ask the same things of my father, I snapped back to this non-existent voice.
There was silence.
It was quite dark and there were no people on the beach, which was unusual. Normally people came out here at this time to go for a walk, or a jog, or to have a swim or surf. Kaworu had something to do with it, I guessed. He seemed to have strange abilities to manipulate things to happen in a way just as he liked.
The hair on the back of my neck prickled and quite suddenly I became afraid. Just like that. It wasn't the 'afraid of getting hurt' or 'afraid of opening up' – just afraid in my gut, like that feeling you get when you stand at the edge of a forest, all alone, with your back to it, and every nerve in your body tells you to run because something is going to come up behind you and you can't see it. It was that sort of scared. I didn't know what caused it, or what exactly I was afraid of, but I definitely knew that right now, I did not want to be here, with the beach deserted, especially at this time of night. The urge to cling to Kaworu's arm and be comforted by him was almost sickening, but I didn't move a muscle. I refused to. I wouldn't give in.
I couldn't move as it were anyway, because had I moved, I would have felt awkward and cowardly. Kaworu had just wanted to go for a walk, and I'd turned it into a melodrama.
Maybe you need to look at yourself, Shinji, that voice hissed again. This time, I didn't have an answer.
"Shinji, come to the dance with me," Kaworu said suddenly, turning around again but not moving closer. I blinked. What do I say now? He's just making fun of me ... I'm sure ... but why would he waste his time asking me things like that if all he wanted to do was mock me?
"Are you already going with somebody else?"
"I – well, I hadn't really thought about it, but no ..." Well, there wasn't much else to do. If I was really honest with myself, the only person I wanted to go with was Kaworu anyway.
"You don't have to. I'll understand if you say no."
"I'll go," I shrugged, surprising myself. Might as well, right? I half expected him to smile again but he just nodded and murmured, "Thanks."
Afterwards, when I thought about it, perhaps I had overreacted. There must have been plenty of desirable girls that Kaworu could have asked who would have gladly gone with him, but if he'd asked me first – perhaps another girl turned him down and I was his last reserve.
Perhaps I was looking further into the matter than I needed to.
But the frightened feeling disappeared and I felt quite comfortable just standing there, not afraid of anything anymore.
"It's getting cold. You're still not completely recovered. Go home and rest," Kaworu demanded. I was taken aback by his unusually authoritative tone, but then again, Kaworu can be a little bossy sometimes. Usually it's only if he wants somebody to do something for their own benefit, not his. He's like that.
I nodded. "See you later , Kaworu."
X
"So, you're going with Kaworu?" Kensuke mused. He'd finally managed to worm it out of me – well, rather, he'd asked sneaky questions while I was preoccupied with something else and could give only innocently mindless honest answers, and then pieced together the puzzle himself.
"Who are you taking?"
"Hmm? I'm not taking anybody. I've been asked to film the whole thing," he announced proudly. I raised an eyebrow. "But – don't you want to go to the actual dance?"
He shrugged. "Doesn't bother me. I don't know any of the girls well enough." Toji just rolled his eyes at this and commented, "Kensuke's head is so far up his own asshole it surprises me he can see where he's going," but then he looked around, leant in very close, and whispered right in my ear, "Shinji, tell me something." I looked at him, alarmed, but he just lowered his voice even further and then murmured, "Is Kaworu a virgin?"
My eyes shot wide open and I jerked away from him. "Why?" I demanded. "Who's asking?" I glanced around nervously – Kaworu had gone to the bathroom, thankfully.
Kensuke looked fidgety. "We-e-ell ... I heard from some girl that apparently at his old school he's got a bit of a reputation for sleeping around."
So he does like girls. "With boys," Kensuke added as an afterthought. At this my eyebrows went even further up and I just stared at Kensuke, open-mouthed. Toji looked sheepish. "Sorry, but Kensuke told me, and it just didn't seem credible – I mean, he doesn't seem that sort of guy."
Toji had that right. But I didn't see that it mattered – after all, it didn't affect any of us, and it didn't change the fact that he was still Kaworu. I shrugged. "Who knows? Rumours get around a lot these days. I bet it's a total lie. Anyway, Toji, what about you?" Toji looked blank. "Don't play dumb, Toji. The dance?"
"Hm? Oh, yeah, I'm going."
"..." Kensuke looked exasperated. "With who?" Toji shrugged. "Doesn't matter."
"What about class rep?"
"She's going with another guy. Seems they've all developed a liking for her." Toji sounded careless but I could guess that he was a lot more upset than he was letting on.
"She's a hot item now – if Toji doesn't move in soon she'll be gone ..." Kensuke muttered under his breath to me and I couldn't help thinking how much their relationship was like the one between Kaworu and I. There was an awkward balance of like and dislike, and neither wanted to admit the truth. Never mind good feelings – I knew that Kaworu wasn't going to admit the truth about why he was pushing matters. Maybe if I watched Toji and Hikari resolve their problems, I'd get more of an idea on how to best solve my own. Somehow I doubted it. We had a different relationship to them. But I still hadn't figured out what Kaworu wanted from me – and I still hadn't figured out why I was so afraid of telling him. I knew he wasn't going to hurt me. I even felt maybe I could trust Kaworu. So if I was that confident, why couldn't I bring myself to tell him the truth?
Kensuke mumbled, "I have to go to the principal," and flushed red, explaining, "I accidentally filmed him through a window looking at his hair – or lack thereof – in a mirror, and he happened to see me ..." He slowly crawled away and I suddenly remembered that Toji had been at detention the previous day. And I still hadn't found out exactly why. I glanced around, and then asked him, "Toji, why did you beat that kid up?" I had to know. I was curious. Toji never got so angry that he performed random acts of mindless violence. "When I was gone? Did you really send a guy to hospital?"
"Fuck him. He deserved it, " Toji growled and I noticed his fist clench.
"What exactly did he say?" I asked, unable to help myself. Toji had said that he'd just been pissed off but I had a feeling there was more to it than that.
"He was just being a dipshit," muttered Toji.
"Toji, he was in hospital for a week! You broke his nose and fractured his arm, and you kneed him in the balls!"
Toji snorted with amusement. "I did, didn't I? Well ... he deserved it. His friend, too. That Hasumi kid had better watch out. If he follows in his friend's footsteps he'll be next."
"What did he say?"
Toji shrugged. "They were just bitching about people. Being crude."
"Who?" I pressed. Toji was never this violent. Sure, he was hot-headed and aggressive, but usually he knew when to stop. Something had to be seriously bothering him.
He looked at me incredulously. "Since when did you become so inquisitive, Shinji? Finally decided to come out of your shell?" He then looked up at the ceiling. "They were complaining about Hikari. Said she was so bossy that they needed to teach her a lesson. I thought I'd better teach them a lesson first."
I absorbed this slowly. I was beginning to see Toji's motive. He must have been really angry about what they said. Why didn't he just admit to himself that he really did like Hikari?
"Anyway ... I'm not sad that I did it, either. If I had a choice I'd do it all over again, and I'd do more than bruise him." I winced. "Who's taking her to the dance?"
"Some guy from the kendo club." He let out a breath. "She'll be okay with him. He's a goody two shoes. Teacher's pet and all."
"Why didn't you ask her first?"
Toji eyed me. "I could ask you the same thing about Kaworu."
Christ, was everyone exploiting my relationship with Kaworu now? I hadn't even thought it was obvious ... after all, the rest of the class just saw us as friends, I was sure ... I blushed and replied hastily, "I didn't think I was going."
"But you wanted to go with Kaworu." Toji leant a little closer. "Shinji, don't listen to Kensuke. All that stuff he heard about Kaworu was bullshit, I'm sure."
"Yeah. Of course," I said matter-of-factly, glad that Toji could at least give me some support. "Let's stop hanging to the wall like this. Teachers might think you're up to no good again if they find you lazing around out here."
X
I shouldn't have told Misato about the dance. Honestly. I shouldn't have. As soon as she heard about it she squealed and grabbed my face forcefully with both hands, kissed me, then started dancing around the house singing about how I was growing up. I watched it all with a somewhat worried feeling, but when she asked me who I was taking I just shrugged. "Just finding a partner."
Misato, of course, saw right through me (damnit, how does she know me so well?) and exclaimed excitedly, "Ooh, I bet it's your sexy new friend, right?"
" ..." What? Misato was scaring me so badly ...
"Kaworu, right?" I could have sworn she was going to make some comment about that time when she walked in on us – doing nothing I might add – but to my utter relief she didn't. She just giggled. "You two are going to make such a cute couple!" Now, this sounds horrible, I know, but Misato is a shounen-ai fan. She keeps high school boy love comics under her pillow and sighs over them at night-time. On particularly bad days she even makes me read them too. I'll never understand why she finds boy relationships so fascinating. I mean, Kaworu is a different matter. It's hard not to be fascinated by him. But I should never have brought him home – knowing Misato to be the shounen-ai addict she is, she'd be spying on us, nagging me to kiss him (which was initiated by him, in all truth) and only god knows what else. So you can see why I was reluctant to tell her anything. I just shrugged when she asked me.
"Awwww ... my Shinji's growing up ..." She sniffed and I rolled my eyes. Please, enough already ... "He's got a boyfriend already ..."
"Whaaa…?" My eyes widened and I stared at her. "This calls for a special celebration dinner!" she exclaimed, completely ignoring me. "Let's go out to a restaurant tonight."
"Misato, I have school tomorrow." And I don't have a boyfriend.
"So? It's okay! We'll just get home early."
Misato can be really impulsive. So before I knew it we were sitting at a table in the nearest Italian restaurant around. Misato loves pasta.
"So did you ask him or did he ask you?" This caused a rather deep blush to spread across my cheeks. Why did she have to continually rub it in? I shouldn't have told her about anything. Ever. I would have been better by myself, without telling her. I just shrugged. "He just asked me if I was going and I said probably not. " She nodded meditatively. "Shinji, I think he's a nice boy. You should get to know him." It sounded like she was giving me permission for something. Maybe she was.
What for?
I just concentrated on my food and managed to get through the night without much conversation. Like usual. I'm terrible – poor Misato must think I'm terribly boring or slow or something. She deserves somebody better than me. Why did she ever agree to look after an idiot like me, who can't do anything right? I felt rather guilty at this, so as we were re-entering the apartment I said softly, "Thanks, Misato."
"For what? Dinner?" She looked at me, amused.
"For everything."
She stopped and cocked her head slightly. After a pause she said thoughtfully, "You're welcome." Just that small phrase was enough to reassure me.
After I got inside I realised I was going to have to get around to the huge pile of homework that had built up during my absence. It was awful – I was actually worried about it. How can you not be, with so much there? The concept is almost mind-blowing – you just suddenly are overwhelmed by the amazing amount of work to do. I doubt schoolwork in excessive amounts ever actually helps – all it does is create stress and worry. But I had to do it, so I bid Misato good night and settled down to do it.
Unfortunately I just couldn't stop thinking about Kaworu. It was terrible. The way his hair blew in the wind, his fresh smooth skin and red, red eyes ... What am I, gay?
... maybe I shouldn't joke so much about that.
But that got me thinking. Did I seriously like Kaworu that much? Even if so, why? There was just something weird about him – the way he was almost unreal, sort of out of his body all the time, as if his mind really were somewhere else. And if it had been anybody else asking me about my past, my memories, the rips in my heart – if it had been anybody else I would instantly have cut myself off from that person. Somehow, I just hadn't been able to do that to Kaworu. There had been something about him that stopped me from doing that. Even though it hurt me whenever he brought it up – and being around Kaworu anyway seemed to remind me painfully of it – I couldn't find the right excuse to push him out of my life. Maybe I'd finally realized that I needed a friend.
No.
Come on, in all reality, Shinji did not have friends. Who wanted to be friends with him anyway? Shinji was a loser, an introvert, a weird, disturbed kid who was best left on his own.
Then why did Kaworu insist on butting into my life all the time? I still couldn't figure out what he wanted. I still had my theory about him doing it as a cruel joke just to lead me on, but by now I pretty much doubted that. It didn't seem like that. He was genuinely interested in me, although why, I had no idea.
He was so kind. Not like everyone else. He'd actually made an effort to get to know me, to get past those barriers that were intended to keep people out. He was nice to me ...
The phone ringing in the background reminded me that I did have to work, reluctant as I was. Stupid rubbish ... didn't even make sense and was never going to help me anyway ...
Misato still hadn't picked up the phone and I sighed, sliding open the door. I was never going to get my homework done at this rate. "Misato, are you going to get that or not?"
Misato stuck her head out the door and yelled, "I'm reading! Screw them!" Which meant that she was so engrossed in her boy love comics that nothing would move her from her bed.
"..." Fine then, I'll get it. Misato, don't you expect me to work? Don't you even want to give me a chance to learn and actually get educated? "Hi, Ikari here."
"Shinji?" A slightly husky voice. I stiffened. "Hello, Kaworu."
"Hey, Shinji, I ... I just want to apologize for my behaviour before ... I probably came across as a real bastard ... I was pushing it, I know, especially when you'd already asked me another time to stop it. I shouldn't have done that. I thought I could make up for it by inviting you to the dance, since it appeared that you weren't going to go, but ... well, I'm really sorry if I came across as a complete suck up ..." Kaworu sounded regretful. I blinked. Kaworu was always so confident. Since when did he ever regret anything? Since when did he apologize?
... But then again ... he had taken the trouble to actually think about what had happened, then ring me, and then have the guts to apologize ... and in all truth I hadn't expected an apology at all ...
"It's okay, Kaworu. I didn't think you were a bastard. I just ... I just tend to be bit touchy about my past, that's all. I suppose –" I suddenly remembered that Kaworu had kissed me. Funny, I hadn't been able to stop thinking about it until now, when I was actually talking to the boy himself, and then I forgot it had ever happened. Was he apologizing for that too? "You don't have to apologize," I added, hoping that he'd get the message. "I overreacted. And ... well, thanks for ... inviting me." I heard a smile break into Kaworu's voice as he replied, "It's my pleasure. Thanks for saying yes." His voice took on a slightly softer tone. "I'd much rather go with you than one of those girls ... they scare me ..." You're not the only one, I answered in my head. Say, that reminded me – "Kaworu, do you know anything about ... what Toji did?"
"Huh? Beating up that kid? I never heard why he did it. He wouldn't tell me. He wouldn't even tell Kensuke, if I remember correctly."
Toji wasn't going with Hikari, was he? That could be a tender point. I decided it was best to leave it for a while. "Well, can you – please don't mention anything about it to him, okay?"
"Okay. Are you doing homework?"
"I ... was ... starting ..." I said after deliberation. Kaworu laughed. Oh ... that rich, seductive laugh ... I could just picture him in my mind, head thrown back and eyes bright. Nobody ever seemed to laugh at anything I said. But when Kaworu did, it didn't feel like he was mocking me. It was genuine.
"Have fun then. See you tomorrow, okay?" I nodded dumbly, forgetting that he couldn't see it, but then again he probably knew I was doing it anyway, since he hung up with a soft 'click'.
Thanks for the reviews – I hardly even expected one to be honest. Cheers for that, guys.
To all those people who didn't READ the heading in my first chapter I said that this was gonna be a one shot but got too long… blimey dude…
And to that person who picked up my apparently 'English' spelling, I'm Aussie. G'day to ya too mate.
Props unlimited to soulfulzen. Dunno where I'd be without ya, dude.
If you read it and liked it or even if you didn't, wanna tell me?
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