raspberries

In the end I just didn't finish all my homework. There was too much to do in one night, so I decided to stay after school in the library and finish what I could. Kaworu kindly agreed to help me and Toji said he'd stay with us for half an hour before going to basketball training.

Although I had a feeling he just wanted to copy my answers.

Anyway, after school had finished the three of us migrated to the library (Kensuke was at cadets) and Kaworu helped me with my homework. It was actually very nice to sit in the quiet, secluded library with Kaworu leaning over my arm and murmuring things in my ear, even if they were just math calculations. I'm not sure if he was in such close proximity on purpose, or quite innocently by accident. It could have been either, knowing him. But either way it was highly enjoyable and I decided that there was absolutely nothing wrong with taking advantage of the nicer, less awkward moments with Kaworu.

Well, that's not to say that this wasn't awkward. I'm sure that I was bright as a beetroot the whole time through, not to mention rather edgy, but in all honesty I was pretty comfortable. So when Toji had finished copying my notes and got up to leave, Kaworu left my side to go and fetch a file from his locker that he said he might as well get and I realized that I did actually have to go to the bathroom.

So we all left together, Kaworu and I in the direction of the lockers and the bathrooms, and Toji in the direction of the exit. None of us had mentioned the dance or Hikari the entire time and Toji seemed to have loosened up a bit, being his regular chatty, whiny, over-the-top self, and he left rather more cheery than he'd arrived.

I noticed Kaworu following me into the bathroom and simply made the assumption that he needed to go as well. After I'd washed my hands I turned around only to find Kaworu right behind me – and I mean literally, right behind me. I just blinked, stunned, before he stepped me into the wall and pinned my wrists up next to my shoulders.

He was right there, right there, and I just stared with wide eyes. It was almost like one of us was waiting for something – I couldn't do anything with him right against me, and at that moment I realized he wasn't pinning me in place just by my wrists. His body was pushed up against mine, too. This was infinitely more ... awkward than the library, which was an understatement by far, but I didn't have the initiative to elaborate just then.

It wasn't a particularly warm day but despite that, I felt terribly hot under the collar, and I remembered that Kaworu had left the top three buttons of his shirt open all day and wondered if they still remained that way. But I didn't dare look. Even if I'd wanted it to didn't seem that I could look away from his gaze. No expression, just staring ... and staring ... like he was trying to hypnotise me. Or drown me, which was more likely. I just stared back, not even trying to pull free. What did he want? He wasn't moving, wasn't saying anything ... just staring at me ...

One of his hands very slowly left my wrist and pulled open the second button on my shirt. I think I was in so much of a daze that I hardly noticed, but then the third one was going, and then – and then he drew his mouth down over my neck and kissed the skin just under my ear.

That definitely managed to shock me out of my daze. I jerked my head back, startled, and my hand shot out and latched onto his sleeve, but he just braced his forearms against the wall behind me and slid his hands into my hair. Not being able to help myself, I shivered. His touch was so delicate ... his lips felt absolutely wonderful on my skin, and I tried to squirm but he held me in place. His kisses trailed down my neck like butterflies, somehow typically Kaworu-like; delicate and fleeting. And then before I knew it he was down over my collarbone, my clavicle, on my chest.

That must have been about the time my brain woke up, because my hands shot up and grabbed his face, pulling him back up while my cheeks were burning furiously. He looked at me again, still remaining expressionless and not saying anything. How could he do that? What did he want if he wasn't going to show any emotion? "Kaworu – "

I'd forgotten that he had his fingers in my hair but was sharply reminded when he pulled my head back and started on my neck again – except that this time there was a hot, wet tongue added in. Instinctively my hands slid up into his hair the same way, like a mirror image, and a whimper somehow managed to slip from my throat. He held me like that, body surprisingly stronger than it looked, and I won't lie – Kaworu's ardent tongue felt so good, working up and down my neck with slow, teasing leisure, teeth nipping in gently. All I could do during that was whimper and writhe, because he obviously wasn't going to let me go anywhere, and he left very little movement unrestricted.

It felt good.

A hand slid down my back, tracing over the line of my ribs around my back, down to the belt of my trousers. But he didn't go any further. Instead he just drew his hand back up, earning another involuntary shudder.

I tried my best to keep my mouth shut but after a while, Kaworu appeared to be listening and he would bite harder if I didn't moan the first time. Shit – I sure hoped like hell that there wouldn't be any marks. What if Misato saw? What if they didn't disappear during the night? I couldn't wear a scarf in the middle of summer ...

"Mmh ... I won't leave marks. Promise," Kaworu whispered with his lips in my ear. Then he flicked his tongue in my ear and I think that was when I jerked sideways and tried to push him away. "Kaworu ... please stop."

"Why?" he whispered heavily, leaning against me.

"I ... it's embarrassing ..."

He stepped back and put his hands on my shoulders, searching my eyes. "Sorry ..." He looked down. Then, drawing back, he gently buttoned my shirt up again with the exception of the first one, leaving it as it had been originally, and nodded. He gave me one final look up and down that left me trembling, and then slowly walked out, I following after him. I glanced around and thanked the gods that nobody else was around that I knew – there were a few younger kids running around, but they ignored us.

I wondered how much longer it would take to finish my homework. I could always finish some at home; it was just that I wasn't sure for how much longer I could sit next to Kaworu like that, with him so close ... but by the time we'd reached the library I was pretty sure that I couldn't sit next to him at all. Being kissed up by the very person you're lusting after will do that to you. I liked Kaworu, but I was far too shy to let anything go further than a secret crush. Obviously Kaworu had different ideas. And yet I was afraid of him again. I could never make up my mind – one moment I thought I was unafraid of him, but then the next ...

"You know, I think I should be getting home, I'll finish this later, but thanks for helping me," I blurted out, collecting all my books and stuffing them into my bag. Kaworu was flicking through a music book he'd picked off a shelf and he glanced up at me. "Home?"

"Uh, yeah," I faltered, caught off guard by how alluring he was when he had his head tilted down like that, eyes looking up. The corner of his mouth quirked and he shut his book. "Of course. See you tomorrow."

Walking home I felt very cold. The wind had become biting and the sun was hidden. I suddenly wondered how Kaworu would get home. He'd never talked about where he lived, or his family. He'd moved from interstate, hadn't he?

I couldn't even remember. The last few weeks were like a blur – I just couldn't remember them. It seemed I'd known Kaworu forever. The first time we met was almost lost to me, and I honestly felt that I'd met him so long ago that it was impossible to recall.

But then I happened to remember that tomorrow was the dance – how did that happen so quickly? I was sure it had been less than two days since Kaworu asked me ... maybe not. I had lost sense of all time ever since I met Kaworu – it was as if time didn't matter, and if it did, it simply changed to accommodate to suit Kaworu. Everything around Kaworu was strange. But that was partly what made him so beautifully mysterious ...

"You idiot. You've fallen for him so badly," I grumbled as I trudged home in the freezing cold. Wasn't it supposed to be summer? The thin white shirt didn't keep very much out. My fingers traced absentmindedly over the skin where Kaworu had kissed me, still feeling a tingle. In all truth, I had felt like I was just going to melt when he pinned me up against the wall.

And then I wondered. Why hadn't I kissed him back? I'd only been afraid before because I had thought that my unnatural affection for Kaworu would only lead me into bad things. Which could happen. But I didn't have to worry about Kaworu being disgusted with me – rather, he was the one who'd so eagerly started the relationship, if it could be called that. I just needed time to think. For once.

I traipsed in the door and Misato looked up from the newspaper. "What's wrong? You look flustered and upset and gloomy all at once," she exclaimed.

I shrugged. "I ... guess it's just the homework getting too much for me."

Misato frowned. I don't think she believed me. But she let it go, and there was an uncomfortable moment left hanging in the air. "You should read the paper. Some terrible things in there," Misato said as an attempt to break the ice. "A boy your age was brutally murdered yesterday. It's horrible ..."

"Misato, I'm sorry. I think I want to go to bed," I interrupted her. "What? Are you ill again?" she asked with alarm. I shook my head. "I've ... just had a long day."

Staring at myself in the bathroom mirror I wondered how Misato had managed to miss the red rashes staining my neck, down into my shirt. She couldn't have missed them – Kaworu had definitely been working hard. Oddly enough, I didn't feel embarrassed to the point of wanting to die. Just a dull, empty shame and humiliation. She hadn't said anything.

Had she guessed? Still, since she'd decided to ignore everything, she must have a reason ... as I've said multiple times, Misato knows me better than anybody. She had to have some sort of reason – maybe she thought I was old enough to deal with it myself, or that I was experimenting or something ... Misato has strange logic. I didn't bother showering – I could do that in the morning. I hadn't eaten since that morning but I didn't care. I just wanted to crawl into bed and get to sleep.

Clearly that wasn't happening. I couldn't lie on my back without replaying the whole scene in my head again. And the more I thought about it the redder my cheeks got, and I kept seeing Kaworu's face ... not good. There is something definitely very, horribly wrong with me. What to do, what to do?

I could pretend it had never happened. But it was obvious that Kaworu liked me, and I liked him back, so ... but I didn't really want a full-on relationship. It was embarrassing and plus, I really didn't think I was good enough for Kaworu. I felt shy around him, intimidated by his beauty. Surely there was somebody better for him than me.

Well, there wasn't really an awful lot I could do about it for now, because the dance was in less than twelve hours, and I had to worry about the sudden issue I had only just realized, which was how were we going to deal with people tomorrow if we arrived as a couple? Two guys going to a dance together?

No. People wouldn't accept it. We'd be laughed at, pointed at. I could just see it. And it would be my fault for making Kaworu get dragged down, because I was the loser. It was okay for people to sneer at and mock me, because it was no different than usual, but Kaworu was an idol among the year. To drag him down with me wouldn't be fair. Was there anything I could do?

He'd be upset if I didn't go. I had to go. But I didn't know how we were going to deal with the gapers. Hadn't he thought about this beforehand?

I'd much rather go with you than one of those girls ...

But everyone would hate us. I didn't want people to hate Kaworu. People already seem to hate me. Kaworu deserves better than that. Kaworu deserves better than me. People always see me as an outcast. I would stand just outside of the group, and occasionally people would talk to me just to be polite, or nice, but I always got the feeling that they didn't really care, that they were really saying underneath it all, 'Shinji is a loser. He's all alone ...' And nobody ever really let me in. I've been alone for as long as I can remember. I even gave up trying after a while, and then I guess I just disappeared completely from people's minds.

There wasn't anything to remember about me anyway. Just Shinji, the invisible boy. Shinji, the silent kid who stood by and watched everything. I suddenly had a flashback of about a year and a half ago, when I'd actually been mentioned in an announcement along with another bunch of names for getting a national high in a mathematics quiz. A gang of boys had jeered at me after school and I particularly remember one comment that seemed to be empty bullying at the time but took on a lot more meaning for me afterwards, "So pretty boy can actually do something! Is this the first time anybody's actually noticed you're there?"

The first time anybody's really noticed me ... Kaworu ...

Was I just being a selfish, ungrateful bastard by refusing Kaworu, when I knew that he was what I'd wanted all along? What if Kaworu would be hurt by my timidness? I couldn't stand to hurt Kaworu in any way. It would hurt me too. I took a breath and turned onto my side, just staring at the wall. If Kaworu was enough to send such a – such a feeling shooting through me just by looking at me ... and if he noticed me enough to even get that close ... maybe he deserved something in return ...

It's all so confusing. I don't even understand the situation myself. Shouldn't I do everything I can to make Kaworu happy, because of all he's done for me? Just by being there? If I could give him something in return ... whatever it is he wants from me, I should give it, because he's always there for me ...

X

The next day the marks had gone, just like Kaworu had promised. I was able to greet Kaworu with a smile and actually be a little happier. I think he was surprised but in a good way, because he laughed even more than usual and there was a twinkle in his eyes. He didn't mention yesterday's incident but I sneaked enough glances at him for him to know that I still thought about it. The most casual motions, like brushing his hand against mine, or winking at me when something funny happened, or just looking at me when he had a spare moment ... it gave me a funny feeling. It was kind of fluttery, but I couldn't describe it properly if I was paid all the money in the world.

Unfortunately things were a little marred by Toji's bad attitude – he was an absolute bitch all day. He made snide comments at boys and girls alike, swore loudly regardless of where he was, was rude to teachers and moped around at breaks, not eating, which for Toji, meant that something was very, very wrong.

"He's really pissed off today," Kensuke hissed to me when Toji was ripping some poor guy's head off who'd accidentally bumped into him. "I bet it's because of the dance. He's going with the prettiest girl in school, you know, but he doesn't really even know her name. He just wants Hikari."

Hikari had been oblivious to Toji's manners all day, only scolding him when he was especially rude to somebody, and then Toji would just glare at her and cross his arms. "You would have thought he'd grow up and get over it," Kensuke added. "Why can't he just accept that he left it too late? He should be happy! It's not like it's the end of the world. He can be so childish." I had to agree there. Toji was being incredibly immature about the whole thing. After all, it was just a dance! There was no need to get so upset about it ...

But before I knew it the day was over and the students were disappearing in an excited buzz, home to do themselves up all nice and pretty.

Kaworu seemed to have disappeared, and I felt a little disappointed, because I hadn't really seen him much all day. Kensuke was gone as well to set up all his technical work and Toji was left in front of his locker, not looking at me even though I was the only one left, just glaring at the inside of his locker. I weighed up going over and not going over, but let's face it, nobody would just leave a friend there and walk away. So I stepped quietly up to him, murmuring, "Hey, Toji." He ignored me and just continued glaring at the inside of his locker. I stood there patiently, figuring that he might need some time to snap out of it. Kensuke had definitely been right about Toji needing to grow up and get over it. "What?" he snapped after he saw that I was still there.

"Toji," I started, feeling hesitant. Oh, Christ, he's acting like a baby. "Toji, grow up!" I exclaimed in a harsh tone that surprised even me. He blinked and looked at me with round eyes. "Stop being a baby and get over it! It isn't the end of the world! If you don't dwell on it, it won't seem half as bad as you're making it out to be."

Toji just regarded me with a somewhat disdainful look. "It's alright for you, you're going with that pretty boy Kaworu whom, I might add, you're crazy about. You didn't get stood up by the teacher's pet."

"Why are you digging your heels in so much? You've said on numerous occasions that you can't stand Hikari!" I blurted, unable to stop. Once I'd let it out, I just couldn't stop myself. Everything that I needed to say to Toji was coming out all at once. Toji heaved a sigh. "I know. It ... it just pisses me off that I left it too late to ask her ..."

"You really do like her, don't you, " I asked, although it was more of a statement. A flush appeared across Toji's cheeks, proving me right. "Toji, just get over it. She's not even interested in the guy, and I'm sure that you'll get the chance to hang out with her tonight as long as you actually show up. Don't stand your partner up, or she'll get just as upset as you are now."

Toji let out a short laugh. "Right." He glanced at me and chuckled again. "You know, you're quite popular with the girls, Shinji." I looked at him blankly. "My partner tells me all her friends think you're one of the most attractive guys around. She just said it was a shame you were such a weird loner." I frowned at this. I should have expected it from girls – they can be so harsh. Oh well, it wasn't like I really cared anyway, and besides, they were probably right.

"Right ... well, just turn up tonight. Please." I looked him in the eyes and he sighed. "Yeah, yeah, I'll come. Might as well, just to laugh at you two."

"Thanks, Toji." But I knew he was only kidding. Toji isn't that narrow-minded, no matter how one-track he appears. "You've changed, Shinji," he said at length, looking at me distantly. "Six months ago you wouldn't have even mentioned anything about all this. Now look at you, giving me advice, scolding me, sorting out my issues ... you're really come out of the shell."

"Is that good or bad?"

He looked thoughtful. "It's hard to tell, but I think it's good. You're finally getting some confidence and self-esteem." He smiled then, and playfully punched me. "It wouldn't be anything to do with Kaworu, would it?" I blushed. I had changed since Kaworu came, even I knew that. I even felt more confident. "I don't know what you're talking about," I replied lightly. He laughed and shooed me away. "Get going, pretty boy." I glared at this but then just laughed.

"See? I told you it's true." Toji turned away, shaking his head and laughing, but called out when I was at the exit. "Shinji." I stopped, waiting. There was a silence and I wondered if I'd just been hearing things, but then I heard him add on, "Thanks," in a soft tone. I smiled to myself and headed home.

X

"Shinji, Shinji, what are you wearing? Do you have clothes? What time do you want to get there?" Misato was actually in the bathroom as I was taking a shower, which was rather embarrassing, but I guess it's not like she hasn't seen everything before. Besides, she wasn't really looking anyway – she was frantically hurrying around to do things that she claimed were to help me get ready. Who was the one going out tonight, anyway?

"Misato, if I could just wash my hair in peace, I might be able to sort it out," I said exasperatedly. Misato is a great help, but sometimes she's just too over-the-top.

"You mean get a good feel of yourself before you leave for the dance. No way, there's not enough time, Shinji. You have to hurry up and get out now," Misato said brusquely in a business-like tone. I turned bright red at her remark but it's quite possible that it slipped out without her even thinking it – Misato's like that. I'm pretty sure that she honestly didn't know that she'd just let loose a remark about me taking a long time jacking myself up in the shower and that she was just trying to get me out in time, all with good intentions. So I sighed, rinsed my hair quickly and turned the water off. "Misato, you don't need to worry so much. It's just a dance."

"But you're going with Kaworu! You need to look good if you want to be noticed, otherwise he'll steal all the attention!"

... was she saying that I was ugly?

"You're wearing slacks? It's so casual! What if everybody else is dressed up and you look like a lazy bum?"

"I asked around. All the guys are wearing basically the same thing." Misato sighed and shook her head. "Come here," she commanded, grabbing me by the shoulders. She shook her head again. "Shinji, you need to put on weight. You're far too thin."

"Misato, I can't help it!" I exclaimed, wriggling to get free of her rather tight grip. She whipped the towel from around my waist and rubbed my hair violently, causing my head to whip back and forth. If I was still alive by the time I got to the dance I'd be surprised. Then she snatched the towel away, threw my underwear at me and told me, "You'd better do your hair well or I'll re-do it myself!"

So there I was, half naked in front of the mirror, trying in vain to do something with my hair. On the odd occasion that I actually look at my hair in the mirror all I do is run a hand through it, and it spikes itself up in long chunks of its own accord. I didn't really care how it looked, but the thought of Misato redoing it for me was enough to get me to at least try. Settling for a pinch of gel rubbed through it in the end, I quickly dressed and put my shoes on and sneaked out, hoping to get to the door before Misato spotted me. Unfortunately she was waiting for me and spun me around as soon as I stepped out of the bathroom. "You call that tidy? What did you do, drag yourself backwards through a bush?" I shrugged, feeling intimidated and edgy. Misato can be really scary. "It's getting too long. Look, you've got all these bits everywhere ..." She sighed. "I guess it makes you look like you." Standing back, she added, "You look okay, I guess. You're growing up ..." "Misato, please stop saying that!" She sighed again and shook her head. "Let's go."

The half hour trip was mostly in silence – even Misato seemed at a loss for something to say. Maybe I was rubbing off on her. Never knowing what to say to people and all. It was uncomfortable, the edgy silence that suggested that both of us were searching for something to talk about, but really, it was pathetic that we had to search at all.

I just stared out the window, hands folded in my lap, thinking about Kaworu. How confusing did he have to be? I just wanted him to like me, but when he actually showed how much he liked me back, I was afraid of getting too close to him. If only he weren't so perfect, then maybe I'd feel a little better. But there wasn't anything helping me – I just felt like I wasn't good enough for him. I was nothing. I wasn't worth it. Kaworu was untouchable ... well, strictly speaking, that wasn't true. I felt a little hot remembering just how he'd touched me, but the coolness of the evening soon washed it away.

The smooth halt of the car informed me that we'd arrived. Misato cast a worried glance at me. "Here we are." I slowly undid my seatbelt and sat there for a brief moment, sensing that she was going to say something. The night wasn't yet fallen and the noises of the insects outside had only just begun to set in. The faint chirping of a cricket nearby reminded me of metal scraping against the harsh gravel of the road, although I couldn't say why. After an uneasy pause, she said awkwardly, "Well, have fun, Shinji. Ring me if you need anything, otherwise I'll be back at eleven to get you."

"Yeah, thanks." I finally remembered to nod and moved out of the car. It almost felt like I was being moved by strings, the puppet master invisible yet powerful, and there was nothing I could do.

The afternoon was still rather light, everything a dullish, hazy silver or golden. Sepia tones. Like an old photograph that had leaked, memories disappearing along with them in a dirty smudge across the edges. "Shinji!" Kaworu was waiting for me, dressed in casual black trousers and a white button up shirt with the sleeves left unbuttoned so that they flared out slightly, hair left untouched and all the more beautiful for it. I felt relieved that we were wearing a similar standard of dress – despite my sullen protests to Misato I had been slightly worried that I would turn up over dressed, or under dressed.

"Alright?" He always knew when something was not quite right. Always. And I didn't even wonder, because by now, it was just as if it were natural for him to know. I just nodded and smiled lightly. The shadows cast on Kaworu's face gave him an ethereal radiance, his skin glowing and eyes brilliant. He was like an angel. He lightly hooked onto my arm and we went inside.

It was quite brightly lit inside and I blinked rapidly, letting go of Kaworu's arm as I looked for Toji and Kensuke. Kensuke was in a corner filming everything, but Toji wasn't there. "Is Toji already here?" Kaworu nodded. "I saw him arrive earlier with Ayumi."

I couldn't see him, but I assumed he was elsewhere. The hall led off into the bathrooms and another room, so he could be in there somewhere. "Never mind. Let's go anyway."

We didn't find Toji until a lot later. During that time, we did get some weird looks from people and I heard about three people mutter things under their breath about queers, but in general everyone just behaved normally and probably thought we were there together just as friends, purely, nothing more. It washed away a little of my worry but still, I was on edge, not able to relax and feeling self-conscious the whole time. Kaworu noticed, I know, because he would cast me concerned glances, but we spent most of the evening in an awkward silence, each wanting to say something but unsure of how to bring it up, or what the right thing to say actually was.

After about two hours we saw Toji sitting down at the very back. He'd been avoiding people, as it were. He was sitting by himself in the dark, with only a few people milling around talking. I wondered where he'd been for the whole night. He'd only just walked in, so perhaps he'd been with Ayumi. But I doubted it.

"Toji! Have you been here the whole time?"

Toji looked up. He was dressed in a black jacket and jeans, and he did look rather nice. But his hair was dishevelled, as he'd been running his hands through it dejectedly before we arrived, and his eyes looked tired.

"Toji, you look a little tired. What's wrong?" Kaworu inquired. His tone was neither demanding nor sweet, simply gentle and to the point. I felt a pang of annoyance. Was Toji still upset about Hikari not going with him?

"I had a fight with another guy," was his flat response.

"Why?"

Toji looked at me. "He said he was going to video tape Hikari in bed."

A sense of dread ran through me. "And where is he now?"

Toji shrugged. "About half an hour after arriving I was walking around outside and I heard them talking, so I just jumped in on both of them."

"Them? Then there was more than one boy," Kaworu frowned. "Toji, you said you beat only one guy up."

"The other one ran away before I could get to him."

Without another word Kaworu left to go and find "them", but I stayed with Toji. I didn't know what to say. He seemed depressed. At that moment I couldn't understand the reason for his moodiness. Sure, he'd been angry about what they'd said, but he'd solved the problem, hadn't he? And surely now was a good opportunity to go and find Hikari and dance with her?

"If she had somebody to protect her, the guys wouldn't prey on her like this," Toji muttered. "So why don't you protect her?" I offered vaguely, still lost in my thoughts.

Toji snorted. "Yeah right. Class rep and me. She hates me. And on top of that, everyone thinks I hate her, including her. Nobody would accept the fact that it could be otherwise. If I ever acted otherwise, people would think I'd lost it or something."

"You don't know until you ask her," I persisted, unwilling to give up so quickly. "I'm not good enough for her, Shinji, face it. She's better off waiting until somebody better comes along. Somebody who can protect her properly from those bastards." His words struck me quite piercingly and I realised with a shock that those words could have come from my own mouth, they were so uncannily relevant. Toji was in the same position as me – unable to admit his true feelings because he felt he wasn't good enough. Maybe if I helped Toji solve his problems, I could somehow fix my own ...

"Just go and talk to her, Toji," I coaxed.

"... I guess." Toji seemed reluctant. "Come on, it can't be the end of the world!" He sighed and shook his head. "You've changed, Shinji, but I didn't know that you'd become my new boss." I glared at him mockingly, but then pushed him towards the exit of the room. "Go find Hikari. I'll look for Kaworu."

He was outside and shook his head upon seeing me approaching. "I tapped him to see if he was conscious, and he jerked awake and then shot off like a rocket, yelling something about being sorry and never stalking any girls again for eternity ..."

There was a stain of blood down his arm and cheek and he sighed, trying to wipe the blood from his arm in vain. "Toji must have given him a bloody nose, some got wiped on me when he jumped up and brushed against me."

Blood. Kaworu smelt a little like raspberries, because I was standing so close to him. The smell was so familiar, and the red staining his pale skin reminded me of his blood red eyes. Raspberry smelt sickly sweet. Wait, was that raspberry or blood that I could smell? It was so hard to tell the difference. "Shinji?"

I was staring blankly into space, hands by my sides. "Shinji, what's happening?" he asked softly, taking my face in his hands very lightly. I felt his cool fingertips, the cool breeze brushing past. It was darker now and the shadows made everything grey – soon it would become dark and the stars would come out, giving everything a velvety feel. I didn't see Kaworu's blood red eyes, though.

There's a slight boy of perhaps eleven or twelve years. He is hugging his mother goodnight and then he is about to leave to brush his teeth, but his father appears. The boy is about to run to his father and give him a hug but his father begins yelling at his mother, making him stop in mid-step and watch in curiosity.

"Always worrying about him. Do you even realize I'm here?"

"Of course, I just wanted to – "

"No. Every day, it's the same. Just act as if your husband is dead, ignore him, and give all your attention to the little baby!"

"Gendou, please –"

"Listen to me! Why don't your eyes see past that silly little child in front of you?"

"He's not silly, he's our child, he needs to be looked after and –"

The little boy blinks as the sharp sound of a slap rings throughout the room. Silence. Then the father grabs the mother by the front of her pretty blue summer dress and slams her against the wall, slapping her again. Stains are so hard to get rid of. "Shut up!" he roars, completely forgetting about the young boy watching wide-eyed in the corner. He doesn't exist anymore. It's as if he is dead. So he watches with wide, terrified eyes as his father rips her clothes off, smashes her down on the floor and impales her forcefully, covering her mouth with his hand, watches as the father impales her again with a sharp silver butcher knife, thrusting in and out of her again with both himself and the dagger, in and then out. He wants to move, scream, run and stop it all, something, anything, but his muscles won't obey him and his body won't obey him and he can't do anything except stand there and watch it all happen. He closes his eyes and hears the mother fall on the floor, along with the knife from the father's hands. He feels his legs, running towards the father, taking the knife, and impaling the man, feeling the body land on the knife in his hands. He drops the knife and steps back before his eyes can even open.

And then the father falls on the floor, red spilling out with a strong smell, both eyes shut and mouths open. The boy doesn't move. Eventually he looks down at his new white sneakers, splashed with blood, and his white shirt, also splashed with blood, and his hands and arms, a red, drippy mess. It's all over his white shoes. You can't even wash shoes. You have to wipe them, and there's no way that raspberry that deep will come off by wiping it. The red is swirling and rushing forwards, and it spirals around to create a big, dark, foul tunnel of red, moist and sticky. It's almost black, it's so dark, and it's difficult to see. Or maybe it's the darkness of the night which is making things difficult to see. Perhaps it's a combination of the both. There is familiar silence again, which seems to constitute most of his life, occasionally interrupted by the creaking of a grasshopper.

Entranced, he carefully squats down and pats the dark red hole in his father's stomach. It's all squishy and very warm. He looks at his sticky hands and wipes them on his trousers. Then he walks to the bathroom to brush his teeth, sticky red trails following him across the carpet. But even the dark ignores him, and it's as if he doesn't even exist. Even the dark redness of raspberry ignores him and although the silence is hurting him, stabbing him like a knife, he can't tell anybody. Nobody will listen. Nobody ever even notices him. He's alone. The smell of raspberry fills his nostrils, and the stains on the carpet are glaringly obvious.

"See? That's what I remember," I finished shakily. "Do you think I really want to remember that? Experience it again? It's not as if I had been young enough for it to have less meaning, either – I was nearly a teenager, Kaworu. I knew what I was seeing, I understood what was happening. I spend so much time trying to push it away, but you insist on bringing back up painful memories. Do you know why I'm the way I am? A loser? Cut off from everybody? Because I don't know how to communicate. I don't understand people! I was so confused and upset by what my father did and what I did to him that I've never been able to understand people, and I'm afraid!"

Kaworu watched me silently, face betraying nothing. He leant forwards and breathed, "Don't be afraid. You don't have anything to be afraid of. I'll look after you."

I felt tears slipping over my face and wiped them on my sleeve roughly. I was crying. Kaworu had told me not to be afraid. But I was afraid that I'd be hurt by him – he seemed too good for me. I couldn't accept his word of protection because I just couldn't believe that somebody like him would waste all their time on somebody like me. I honestly wasn't worth it. I was just a nobody, noticed by nobody, just crawling through every day of life hoping to get to death unnoticed by the world.

"Don't cry," he said again a little louder, in a gentle tone. I blinked rapidly and I moved closer to him, suddenly forgetting all my worries and just realising that Kaworu meant what he said. He did mean that he'd look after me. "I don't understand why. He was angry, but why did he have to kill her?"

"Sometimes when people are driven by strong emotions, like anger, or hate, they'll do crazy things. The emotion takes hold of their mind and they can't control their actions." Kaworu smiled a little sadly, a faint glimmer of knowing in his eyes.

"Why? Why, why did I have to be there?" I sat on the grass and wrapped my arms around my knees and rocked myself a little. The world was quiet, the crickets even pausing for a breath as Kaworu sat down, put his arm across my shoulders but said nothing.

Kaworu wasn't ignoring me ... he was different, he wanted to know, he actually saw past the loner front that I put up and he wanted to know why ... and he wasn't jeering or making fun of me like everybody else seemed to ... Suddenly, I buried my face in Kaworu's shoulder and started shaking. Kaworu wrapped me tight in his embrace, not speaking, just holding me.

I sobbed, heart pouring everything out, everything, everything that had been haunting me for so long. Five years. Had it really been five years? It could be almost yesterday, the images were so fresh. The silver blade, rising, glinting, and then piercing through the air to – no! I shook my head, fists burying in the material of Kaworu's shirt. Kaworu tilted my chin up gently and very softly kissed me on the lower lip. It was sweet and gentle and so beautiful that everything just disappeared. But I still wasn't good enough for him ... my memories made me weak. I couldn't rely on Kaworu, couldn't depend on him to save me from falling, I couldn't use him as my comfort when I wanted to hide from everything. I couldn't, because he deserved better than that.

His mouth was so soft and warm, and it made the pain sweeter ... I raised my head and, with my hands still entwined in Kaworu's shirt, started very delicately nibbling on his jaw. Kaworu's eyes widened but he remained silent and only showed any sign of emotion when my lips pressed against his, and both our eyes flickered shut.

Kaworu pulled me more to him, arms around my shoulders, and his tongue ran across my lip hungrily. I parted my lips and Kaworu's tongue slipped inside, hot and velvety soft.

I nearly broke down at the tender, inquisitive nature of it, not even having had emotion like that from anybody else; never having anybody else shown that they care at all ... I slid my own tongue past Kaworu's, probing deeper and deeper. Have to stop ... Shinji, have to stop ...

One of Kaworu's hands pulled back a little and massaged the skin that was just below the seam of my shirt, but not too far under it. He was so gentle and caring ... why hadn't I ever had somebody like this in my life? I'd never had anyone. Anyone, this tender, so tender it almost hurt. I didn't deserve him ...

Kaworu moved closer and his knee brushed against my groin, making me stiffen momentarily. But I dismissed it as an awkward accident and my hands slid up Kaworu's back into the thick, fair hair that felt so soft through my fingers. Kaworu was beautiful; somehow mysterious but so beautiful. I didn't deserve him. He was an angel, and I was a nobody. A loser face down in the dirt. I ran my right hand down Kaworu's back, fingers caressing the sharp protrusions where his shoulder blades poked out of the skin. I could easily imagine wings sprouting from the large, flat bones and exploding in a dazzle of blood and white feathers. Kaworu was more of an angel than a human already.

"Don't run away," Kaworu pulled away and cupped my chin in one hand, searching my eyes. "You can't run away, Shinji."

But I wanted to! I just wanted to lose myself in Kaworu, and forget everything that ever happened, forget it forever. Can't use Kaworu that way! The signals from my brain were getting confused, rolling into one, thrown out by all the things in my life that scrambled my head.

"Come on. Let's go back." He offered me a hand but I ignored it, hugging my knees tightly to my chest. Can't use Kaworu like that, can't rely on him to help ...

"Shinji, what are you going to do?"

His question struck me like an electric shock. He always asked questions that struck straight to the core. What are you going to do? What are you going to do about your sorrow?

And what was I going to do? Stay here by myself forever and wallow in my own misery? Or go with Kaworu, who cared for me, who was there to give me a hand up, and sort myself out later with his help?

Well, at that moment my brain must have finally switched itself on after seventeen long years of sleep because I took his hand and stood up.

"That's it," he whispered, his arm around my shoulders. And I suddenly felt warm and comfortable, and so right ...

I was sure I hadn't drunken anything since I'd arrived. So I don't really have an explanation as to why I felt so wonderful just then.

We entered the hall again and immediately Toji and Kensuke came over. "Where have you been? We didn't know where you'd gone – "

"Shinji just needed a bit of fresh air. Let's let him have a bit of a rest, okay?" Kaworu saved the day by very politely suggesting that they leave me along.

"Uh – sure, if you're feeling that crook, Shinji..." Toji glanced at me, no doubt waiting to see green stripes or something of the like appear across my face.

"Toji-kun! There you are!" Hikari came rushing over, looking a little flushed. I have to admit, she looked great. She was wearing a simple white dress and her hair was done up with white flowers to match, and she had a bit of make-up on which, surprisingly, didn't make her look hideous like it does for most girls. No, she looked beautiful. Apparently Toji thought so too, because I noticed him give her a quick up and down and then blush very slightly.

She seemed to become a little shy suddenly and lost for words. She licked her lips nervously and swallowed, looking at the ground, and I thought perhaps it would be good to leave her alone with Toji for a bit. I took Kensuke by the elbow and very gently guided him away – fortunately he got the hint and said in an offhand way, "Shinji, let's go and get you sitting down."

As Kensuke, Kaworu and I walked away to give them some time together, Toji said uncertainly, "Would you like to dance?"

Hikari immediately perked up and smiled. "I'd love to!"

I smiled, a little surprised that Toji had been the one leading this rather than Hikari. Voicing my thoughts, Kensuke commented, "Wow, and there I was thinking that class rep just liked to talk and boss people around." The camera was turned off for once.

"There's often a lot more to people than what you see on the surface," Kaworu observed. I was sick of his strange premonition type declarations but I couldn't be bothered telling him – most of the time they were true. Besides, to be honest, I rather liked it. It was just the way he was. It gave me a sense of reassurance, knowing that even if I didn't tell him what I was thinking he'd know already.

Toji looked like he was having a great time with Hikari. They were both blushing but they looked wonderful. Hikari was laughing non-stop, and a huge smile just didn't want to leave Toji's face. They spent the rest of the night together, despite the fact that they had both pretended to dislike each other. It was sort of sweet, seeing them happy together. It was just sad that it had taken them this long to realise the truth. I wondered bitterly how long it would take me to sort myself out. I just couldn't seem to organise things in my head.

Kaworu and I spent most of the time just sitting around and occasionally talking – I didn't feel comfortable dancing very much when I knew everyone else would shoot us down. But just sitting next to Kaworu was enough to make me feel confused. He didn't ask me anything about my earlier outbreak and we both acted as if it had never happened. It was slightly ironic – he'd wanted to get the truth out of me so badly, but when I actually told him, he didn't want to know, or so it seemed.

We hardly talked, and I spent the remaining hours trying to understand my feelings for Kaworu. I liked him, but I didn't deserve him. He shouldn't have wasted his affections on a nobody like me. If only I were more like Kaworu, then maybe I could let myself return his feelings and maybe I could even finally, at long last, get rid of the secret that had been hurting me for this long, and just be happy.

But I wasn't born to be happy. I knew it. I was born to live by myself, in solitude, never seeking help nor friendship, and die alone.

It was like on those mornings when I would wake up and just instinctively sense that there was nothing worth living for – even thought my brain would be in a sleepy state of awareness, I would somehow know that there was nothing worth looking forwards to, that everything was just bullshit, and that if only I could get away from it all somehow – it was like that. If I knew that I woke up like that every morning, then there was nothing worth living for. Including Kaworu. Because I didn't deserve him, because I was so weak and pathetic and lame and afraid of everything ...

And then before I knew it, the night was over, and it was time to leave. Misato arrived ten minutes later but simply dismissed it with the excuse that she wanted to let us spend more time together. Needless to say, I had waved goodbye to Kaworu and driven home long before any of his family showed themselves.

Props unlimited to soulfulzen. The Grim Reaper lives.

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