raspberries
I went straight to bed and crashed as soon as I was in the door – in a state of half awaken-ness I was aware of Misato removing my shoes, shirt and trousers and pulling a cover over me, but it could have been my dream. Which was a pretty strange dream, because it switched back to the scene with Kaworu when I'd told him about my father, and then he'd kissed me, and then he had blood on him ... but dreams are just brain farts, nothing more, so when I woke up, I thought nothing of it.
I woke to the smell of something quite delicious being made – instantly I sat up, worried, because if Misato was cooking, something was bound to be set on fire any moment now. But to my surprise nothing happened and I dragged myself out of bed, half asleep, curious. Misato was reading the newspaper again, but this time, she was dressed smartly, hair done and all ready to go out somewhere, which was absolutely impossible for eight on a Saturday morning. I was lucky if she woke before noon on weekends.
"Good morning Shinji," she greeted me with a faint yawn. "I have to go away for two days on business. Sorry it's so sudden but I know you can take care of yourself now. I'm making popcorn!"
"..." In the morning your mouth tends to be horribly dry and you really don't feel like talking, but I managed to choke out, "Why?"
Misato looked puzzled. "Popcorn is nice!"
I wasn't really listening anyway. "I'm going back to bed," I muttered, already half asleep, too confused by so much information first thing in the morning to properly take any of it in. "You lazy bum," Misato teased. "Get a friend over to keep you company while I'm away, okay? I have to go now. Be back on Monday. Bye! Be careful, and don't burn the kitchen down. " No. In my opinion, Misato is the one the most likely to do that. But I shrugged and yawned, "Bye. See you later," sliding open the door to my room and crawling back into the warm futon.
Unfortunately I didn't get much of a sleep in because Toji, Kensuke and Kaworu came banging at the door and I had to answer it in my pyjamas. Toji and Kensuke just barged in past me without even saying hi, but Kaworu stood politely at the door, smiling as if he were delivering flowers to a funeral, although I didn't miss the amused glance he gave me up and down. Looking down I turned bright red as I realised that my pyjama top was completely unbuttoned and my trousers had slipped right down my hips. "Um, come in!" I blurted out, horribly embarrassed, trying to pull my clothes together. Luckily Kaworu didn't say anything of it and simply nodded, brushing past me. Glancing in the mirror I felt even worse as I saw my terrible bed hair, sticking up in all directions, all messy and tousled. Nice one, Shinji. Now Kaworu's seen you half naked, in pyjamas, with bed hair, sleeping in on a Saturday morning. Just great.
I quickly threw on a sweatshirt and jeans so that I could join them with at least a little dignity. "Er, hi guys, mind explaining why you just dropped by so suddenly?"
"Mind explaining where Misato is?" Kensuke demanded. "Um, on business," I said hastily. Kensuke's face fell and he looked terribly disappointed. "Oh, okay. "
"Sorry, Shin, we want to watch this new movie, and you have the best screen around ... and we couldn't wait to watch it so we picked Kaworu up and came over here, thinking maybe you want to watch it with us, " Toji said in a somewhat serious tone for him.
Yeah, so you just gatecrash on a Saturday morning with no announcement. I sighed. "What movie?"
"That new action movie with that guy. "
Ah, that one.
"Oh, okay. " Good thing Misato made so much popcorn, I thought offhandedly. "Uh, you guys want food?"
As we were all sitting around lazily, Kaworu slipped his arm over my shoulders, hand up the back of my neck in my hair. He didn't move or try to make me move; he just stayed there, running his hands lightly through my hair, staring at the screen. It was a nice feeling, and I think Toji and Kensuke hardly noticed. It made me feel less alone, and it made me feel like somebody had actually noticed me. Kaworu had changed so much in my life, I just could never express how grateful I was. He'd even helped me to be able to get me past out in the open, awkward as I was with it. I wasn't so introverted or depressed all the time, and I didn't worry so much. I didn't have to worry about things. It was nice, for a change.
But there was still the constant guilt of stealing Kaworu all for myself when I didn't deserve him. At all.
"Mind if I get some fresh air?" Kaworu stood up. "I feel a little dizzy. Too much concentrating on the television. " He took his arm away from my shoulders but gave me a meaningful glance.
I got the hint and went outside with him, the harsh wind whipping my hair into my eyes. It made me feel frantic, somehow, as if I wanted to get back inside, out of the wind, away from the sharp slapping, but Kaworu looked completely at ease, like a god standing there bathed in the light with his pale hair glowing like a halo. No, not a god, an angel.
"What's worrying you?" he asked absent-mindedly, looking out at the grey city. It was raining a few blocks away and I could already smell the bittersweet taste of it – soon it would come over here, I was sure. The faint mist that always accompanied the silver droplets was visible even from here, and sunlight broke through the clouds like strings from the sky attached to the earth.
"I ... nothing, what makes you say that?" But we both knew I was lying.
"Shinji, you've got to stop shutting yourself off ... you know it's not good for you. And ... " he paused, looking a little lost, which was rare for Kaworu. Almost impossible. "Well, I worry about you ... "
I'd known that for a while, but hearing him say it brought completely new feelings rushing through me. He cares. He really does.
"Don't close off from me, Shinji, " he murmured, face upturned to the rainy clouds that were fast approaching. "Is it because you finally told me about your childhood?"
Kaworu's asking questions? Why? He always seems to know everything. He doesn't know this? I was silent, staring out at the city that was enveloped in a fog.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" he commented. I nodded but still didn't want to say anything. So many times it feels like I've just lost the ability to speak – even if I have something to say I just can't say it.
"Toji doesn't think he's good enough to protect Hikari, " I said at length. Kaworu showed no sign of having heard me but he replied thoughtfully, "He just thinks that. He doesn't see past his own little world. If he opened up to the real world, he'd see that he's quite capable. He might notice other things, too. " He looked down, back at me, and his expression was unreadable, although it looked slightly puzzled. "Are you worried about him?"
I nodded again. "He's going around beating guys up, but then worrying that he really can't protect Hikari, and he's not good enough ... well, clearly, that's exactly what he has been doing without knowing it – protecting her. "
Kaworu absorbed this. "He just needs to expand his horizons. " As he said this there was a rumble of thunder and I felt a cold wind whip my hair even more violently, before the first few droplets spattered down coldly and ran down my skin. "Let's go inside before we catch the flu, " I suggested, opening the door, still trying to figure out all the different things that Kaworu had said. He's annoying in that sense. Half of what he says is blatantly frank and straight to the point, but the other half is coded in philosophical rubbish and metaphors.
"You guys missed the best part!" Kensuke complained, throwing the empty popcorn bowl at me. "Shut up!" Toji snapped, turning the television up and immersing himself in a fight scene that was taking place.
"Shinji, get more food, " Kensuke whined. I just stood there, brow furrowed, and only moved when I sensed him about to throw something larger and heavier at my head. "Alright, alright, hold on. "
Misato is a compulsive eater, right? Well, if I'd ever had any doubts about it before, I definitely knew now that she was. Bags of lollipops and chocolates stashed in the back of the cupboard ... well, too bad if she notices that they're missing. They shouldn't be there in the first place.
"Here." I tossed three bags of sweets at Kensuke, who hurriedly ripped them open and dug in. Kaworu just laughed, and I noticed that somehow his button up shirt was more open than usual, due to the way he was sitting. In fact, I had a very nice view of – no, Shinji! Concentrate on the screen for Christ's sake. But strangely enough, the movie was finished. When did that happen? It couldn't have finished so quickly!
"Well, that was great, " Toji announced, stretching. "Even better on a big screen. "
"... yeah, thanks for telling me guys. "
"What's the time?" Toji looked at the clock. "Shit! Sorry, I have to go. Promised Hikari I'd meet her for lunch. "
"You're dating?"
Toji blushed. "Yeah, I guess you could say that ... "
"What happened to not being good enough?" I teased, although what I really wanted was to see was how he'd solved the problem, and how I could solve mine in the same way.
He shrugged. "Guess I just realized that I couldn't trust the job to anybody else, and I might as well be the one to put up with her incessant whining and nagging and all ... "
Kensuke just snorted and threw a pillow at him. "What he really means is, he realised what a dick he was being before and woke up to the real world. "
Just like Kaworu had said.
He doesn't see past his own little world. If he opened up to the real world, he'd see that he's quite capable. He might notice other things, too.
Kaworu had known before he'd arrived, hadn't he? Then why hadn't he just told me the truth?
"Yeah, I have to get going too, sorry Shinji. " Kensuke really did seem reluctant to leave, eyeing the bag of candy lustfully and I just sighed, "Ken, take it. " His eyes lit up. "Wow! Thanks Shin! I love you!"
"Yeah ... whatever. " I don't think he noticed my weary rudeness, simply snatching up the bag and hot-footing it out of the door with Toji, the door swinging shut with a faint screech.
Brilliant. Alone with Kaworu. Again. How many times had this happened now? And how many times had it not resulted in disaster?
I sat down on the sofa – more like collapsed – and put a hand to my temple. "Are you going to stick around?"
"Do you want me to?" Kaworu's tone was pleasantly neutral, as usual, as if he hadn't noticed my wearied out disrespect.
Looking up at this, I raised an eyebrow. "I was asking you. " He merely shrugged. "I don't have anything else to do, so it's up to you. Misato's gone away on business, right? If you want some time by yourself – "
Great, another decision. Get rid of him and be in lonely isolation again, having too much time to think and reminisce? Or keep him and be led into awkward situations that then led to thinking and reminiscing anyway?
"I'd rather like to ask you about what you told me last night, but if you don't feel up to it ... " he gestured. My temper flared at this. Did he think that I was a weakling, just like everyone else did? I thought that he was different! I thought he was different to everyone else, not the same as the mocking, cruel, excluding people that made up the rest of the world. I thought he wasn't like them. Angry at this, I snapped, "Of course I'm up to it."
His eyes darkened at my rude retort but he said nothing of it – I didn't think he would. He knew I was in a bad mood. "Why are you afraid of it, then?" He was calm, just as usual, and the barrage of questions I'd been dreading appeared again. "You're afraid of the past. You're afraid of people. You're afraid of me, Shinji. Why?"
And I wanted to tell him. I wanted to just get rid of it all, just be free of all the torment that had been building up all those years. I wanted to tell him the truth. "Kaworu, you don't have to isolate yourself. You don't have to worry about people calling you crazy, shunning you, calling you a freak, because you suffer memories of your parents dying. You don't have to fear a new person coming into your life and opening up old wounds again," I snapped, elbows propped on my knees and fists clenching. It was alright for him! He was perfect! Perfect! He really didn't have to worry about being alone. Uncared for. Miserable.
"I didn't mean for it to be like that," he said very softly after a long moment of silence during which all he did was stare at the ground.
Which was unusual, because usually if Kaworu's going to stare anywhere it's at me, just to make me feel uncomfortable. This change was so shocking and sudden that I didn't know whether or not I liked it. "I'm not trying to make you feel intimidated or anything. I want ... to help you ..."
Well, that wasn't the first time I'd heard that. But there was something about the way he said it. It made me think, maybe – maybe it's just me being paranoid. Maybe he really can help, and that's all he wants. He is the first person who's ever really paid attention to me. Perhaps I was just too quick to shut myself off, for fear of the pain. I was afraid that Kaworu was going to open my wounds wide up, expose them raw so that they hurt, so I hid away because I was afraid.
To be honest, I'd sort of known deep down all along that he only wanted to help. I just hadn't wanted to realise the truth. "You want to help me ..." I repeated softly. He looked down at me, red eyes transparent and I saw everything clearly for once. Everything. It was all so clear. The hurt from my memories, holding me back from communicating from people. And then Kaworu coming and actually getting close to me, close enough that I told him about my painful past, close enough that I started worrying about more things, such as was I good enough for him to return his affection, and why did he like me, why did he want to help me ...
"Why?" I voiced the entire string of thoughts as one word. He looked confused. Kaworu was becoming more and more human today. He was confused ...
"Because you need help. You've been hurt. And I want to help you. "
"But why me? I don't deserve you, Kaworu ... " I whispered.
He looked angry and his eyes glowered. "Don't say that! There's no reason for you to think that, Shinji. None at all. " I don't think I've ever seen Kaworu angry.
He sounded so convincing. But I still didn't believe it, still I was still afraid – but I wasn't going to let him see that. He really believed that I was good enough ... I wasn't going to upset him by contradicting.
"I see. " Then, I offered, "Let's go and get some lunch, " as a means of both finding something for us to do rather than spend the time around together in awkward silence, as per usual, and also offering a sort of compromise, an unspoken feeling that told him no hard feelings; I held no grudge against him anymore.
As if I had ever anyway.
But it was a good idea, because he nodded happily, and we locked up and went together.
X
Well, after that, we ended up going to a movie, and although it was a terrible movie, and a waste of money, it was funny, because we both groaned at the same parts and burst into laughter at the same parts. And I had that feeling again. The feeling of knowing that somebody cared – more importantly, Kaworu cared – and he really thought I was good enough for him ... and by this stage, I almost believed it too. Sitting next to him in the dark, hearing him laugh right next to me, leaning on his shoulder and not feeling afraid that he'd shrug me off ... it was one of the nicest feelings in the world. And somehow I wasn't worried about anything, which was odd, and I didn't feel as if life was not worth living.
Rather, now that I had Kaworu, I felt like everything was beautiful, no more so than life itself. Life was better. I could even look back on my childhood with a smile, albeit a sad one, and say that it was the past, and it was all over now, and the only way to move was forwards.
I don't know how we managed to stay up so late but by the time we'd finished playing videogames it was very dark. Kaworu had to go home at some stage – I couldn't keep him here. "Kaworu, you can't walk home in the dark, " I stated flatly, at the same time trying to concentrate on the screen.
"Never mind. I'll stay here tonight. "
The fact did register in my brain that he'd just invited himself over for the night without really even asking, but it didn't matter. Besides, Misato had said to do so, hadn't she? And if Kaworu was staying I'd be even happier. Yes, things were definitely good.
Oh, except that it had taken all my intelligence and self discipline to restrain from smothering Kaworu in kisses – and more – when he'd been sitting near me doing homework. How was I going to last with him sleeping in my house? Just the two of us?
Maybe things weren't so good.
Well, Kaworu evidently had either not considered that or didn't care, because before I knew it he'd found another mattress and pushed it next to mine along with a pillow and blanket. I don't know how he found them, either. Although I suppose that because Kaworu seems to know everything it would be no more weirder if he knew where all the bed linen was.
Fortunately, by this time it was late and the "appropriate" hour to be sleeping, so I didn't have time to think at all, be they clean thoughts or otherwise. But I wasn't tired at all, and I had a feeling that Kaworu wasn't either, because we'd each had a can of coke before going to bed so the sugar and caffeine mix was starting to kick in, and to add to that I needed to go to the toilet. I sighed, feeling that it would take forever for me to get to sleep. I could see it was going to be a long night. Taking into consideration that I suffer from insomnia anyway.
When I returned from the bathroom Kaworu was sitting up on his bed, eyes bright in the reflection of the moon. It was a little eerie how he sat there without moving, just a dark shape in the room. Taking no notice, I knelt down and pushed the covers back, about to get into bed, when Kaworu said very softly, "Kiss me."
I stopped in mid-action and looked at him. He was sitting on his backside, arms propped over his knees. I was sure he'd spoken, but it seemed as if he hadn't. Until he repeated, "Kiss me, Shinji," without moving, and I drew my leg out of bed and sat on my heels, looking back at him.
After a short pause I scooted forwards and kissed him lightly on the lips, and he pulled me back gently until I was leaning him into the wall, sitting between his legs. I was taken by surprise here, but it felt so good to just brush my lips over his, and there was nobody around to interrupt us, so I didn't pull away. After all, just a little kiss couldn't hurt, right?
Slowly my hands found his wrists and I pinned them above his head on the wall, biting his lower lip so that he parted his lips, and I slid my tongue in. I knew that it was probably going a bit far, but I didn't really care. It was one of those times when you just know that resisting is useless. He sighed contentedly and I felt something hard brush the inside of my leg – but I just dismissed it and kept exploring Kaworu's mouth. And then my hands slid down from his wrists and into his hair, massaging his temple and neck.
There were no noises for a while except our heated, broken gasps when we needed to breathe. One of my hands found its way under his shirt, to his hard chest, and I started to explore the new flesh, tickling him in places and then brushing over his nipple. He hissed and pushed me down onto the bed, pushing his hard groin down into mine and making me cry out at the thrill that ran through me.
I traced my fingers over his back, trying to pull his shirt off, but I was hurriedly distracted by a tongue thrusting very suggestively into my mouth. Kaworu was all over me, pinning me to the floor, and although I'd never experienced something like this before, it provoked something inside me that felt a million times better than when I was by myself in the shower.
There wasn't much I could do at this point except squirm underneath him and kiss him back, my hands tracing over the smoothness of his neck and back. He growled when I kept twisting so his hands pinned my shoulders down and he applied more pressure with his body, effectively stopping me from moving. "Kaworu – " I complained, but he cut me off and his hand found its way to my cheek, thumb stroking the bone.
I don't know how long we lay like that for, kissing passionately in the heat of my dark room, but it was long enough for me to finally strain one arm out of his hold and slip it under his shirt at the back. I ran my hand over the smooth shoulder muscle, over the bare skin of his back, amazed at how smooth and flawless it felt. Lifting myself up on one side I pulled out from underneath him, pushing him back under me. Then I lifted his shirt halfway, just enough to see his abs and stomach, and he groaned hoarsely in one of the sexiest voices I'd heard him use. Tracing over his ribs, his hips, stomach, eyes running over him everywhere. That first time I saw him half naked, even just a glance had been enough to make my mouth dry, but now that I had him all to myself ...
He watched me with droopy red eyes, lazy and somehow very feline. A hand ran up my spine and I shivered, not resisting when he drew my shirt off and pulled my belt open. I was a little self-conscious of my bony ribs and shoulders so I leant down very close and started working my mouth up his body, starting with gentle brushing of lips against his abdomen up to hot, open sucking over his neck and chin. He sighed lustfully and arched his back up against me, and it felt so wonderful that I began to trace my way back down, but all of a sudden he flipped me over easily and sat on my stomach, knees pulled in around my hips and hands cradling my face.
He didn't say anything but just began kissing me so hotly and aggressively that my body shuddered. Christ, he was so good ... I already knew what he was thinking, but the thought was driven out rather abruptly when his head dropped and there were sharp teeth grazing my nipple. "Kaworu –" I gasped out, startled, a tingling running uncontrollably down my body. He drew back and I relaxed, but then there was a wet tongue around my other nipple, brushing over and I whimpered, stuffing a hand in my mouth.
"Don't you remember that first time, in the bathroom?" Kaworu whispered, lips still there. "If I don't hear a moan or something, then I'll bite harder ..."
Oh yeah, I remembered that. How could I not? Kaworu's body pinning me to the wall of the men's bathroom, unbuttoning my shirt, mouth suckling over my neck ... But while I was preoccupied with remembering that, Kaworu, unsatisfied, bit me harder and a yelp escaped – satisfied, he then dragged his tongue down the length of my bony chest and hips, licking my bellybutton briefly then sinking his teeth into my neck like a vampire. I squirmed under him and another moan trailed from my lips, hands running up and down his ribs and waist, pulling his shirt open and over his head.
"Shinji, stop moving," he murmured. But I tossed his shirt over to the other side of the room and ran my hands over his chest, rubbing his nipples with my thumbs eagerly. His body was perfect. Muscle and bone and flesh all in the shape of an angel, better than any picture. No, Kaworu was the real thing. I could tell from the way he moaned and whimpered at my ministrations, forgetting my neck and leaving a trail of saliva from his lips. He grabbed my wrists and pinned them down again, getting back into my neck, biting my ear, even my jaw. His teeth were sharp and I felt him drawing blood on several occasions, but he always licked it off.
His fingers caught on the seam of my trousers and he pulled them down along with my boxers, ignoring my feeble protests and embarrassment. I didn't want Kaworu to be doing all the work. I wanted to watch his face while I did things to him, and I wanted to see how he reacted.
But I didn't get much of a say, because his hands reached between my legs, trousers and underwear now strewn across the room, and I cried out when I felt his hands wrap around me. His fingers played over the head and I bit my lip hard, clenching the sheets beneath me and eyes blinking furiously as I tried to suppress the groan that was rising as his hands worked me, tried to remain silent to prove that he couldn't get a response out of me and if that was the case then I might as well be the one trying to get a response out of him.
But it was so hard to keep myself both still and quiet – Kaworu's hand sped up, a little tighter and more vigorous, and then slowed right down to an agonising massage, then fast again, and I felt like I was teetering on the edge, my mind already reduced to a dull strip of grey. In the end, my pathetic attempt at discipline shattered as I cried his name out, bursting into his hand in a rush of white heat and making it sticky and wet. He put a finger in his mouth and licked it off, and I watched with a sick fascination as he leant down and kissed me so that I could taste it.
The taste on Kaworu's tongue was a little bitter, something that I didn't quite like, but then I remembered that it was my own taste and I drew back, hands pulling at Kaworu's trousers before they slipped off his slim legs, now making us both even in regards to clothing. He drew in a steady breath and buried his face in my neck again, stiffening as I stroked him like he'd done for me, but then grabbing my hands and pulling away reluctantly.
"I'll be right back, " he whispered, sliding open the door to the bathroom. My mind already slowed by a blurry haziness, I figured that he was probably just going to wash his hands – after all, the clear, white substance was a bit annoying after a while because it got everywhere ... But then he came back with one of Misato's bath oils, a vanilla one, and I frowned. "Kaworu, that's Misato's. She'll notice if it's missing ..."
"Well, we'll only use a little," he breathed, taking the lid off. I didn't really know what he was doing, so when he wiped it over his fingers I just scooted closer and took it off him, noticing that he'd only left half of the original amount. Kaworu, I did say – oh well, can't be helped, I guess. I looked up to scold him for wasting something of Misato's about which she'd surely scold me for later, but suddenly he was pushing me back down, eyes seductive and dangerous, and I stared back puzzled, until I felt something slide inside me – inside me – and that was when I really did yell out.
Kaworu waited for me to stop screaming and then slid another finger inside the tight ring of muscle, making me draw in a sharp breath and grab his shoulders. Then another, and this time I'm pretty sure I screamed his name. "You'll be screaming more after this, " he hissed with his lips right in my ear, and he pulled his fingers out. I exhaled, face hot and mouth half open. "Kaworu – "
"Don't say my name unless you're going to scream it, " he warned darkly, and I was filled with a sense of fear of this new, merciless, flame-eyed demon. I grabbed the bottle of oil quickly, flicking the lid off, and I coated my fingers in it while he was covering my face in kisses, then, finding my way to his groin, clumsily slid a finger inside him to see if he reacted the way I had.
He immediately stopped kissing me and arched his back, letting a hoarse growl slip from his mouth as he collapsed back on top of me. I managed to get a second in, feeling him tightening around me, but refusing to pull out. Kaworu groaned again and his hips seemed to move up, and then there was a thick pearly liquid squirting out between my fingers, up my hand.
I pulled out quickly, startled, and heard Kaworu draw a breath between his teeth as I left. Deciding to taste just a little bit to try, I licked the back of my hand, finding it surprisingly good. Sweet, almost. Just as I would have expected Kaworu to taste.
Running a tongue over my hand, I was distracted as Kaworu grabbed my hand so he could taste it himself. And then one hand was on my hips, and the other was pinning me down by the torso, and just like that he slid inside my – inside my body, inside me! I yelled out again, louder (thank God Misato wasn't around) but this time it didn't disappear quickly. He drew in and out of me slowly, extracting a slow moan from me with his rhythm, tantalisingly slow. His eyes were partially closed and his lips parted, and I think I must have looked about the same.
But just as I was starting to get used to the pleasure, he sped up, a little faster, a little harder, until he was deep inside me, rocking us back and forth. And then he hit something deep that sent an explosion of sensation through me.
"Kaworu – " I tried to yell, but found that my voice wouldn't work. And then he was driving even faster, panting, faint groans dragged out with his ragged breath, until my voice suddenly decided to work properly as everything hit a peak and I screamed out, "KAWORU!" just as he copied me but with my own name, screaming it.
And he slowed down to a stop, breathing heavily, sweat covering his body and making him look even more the angel he was, silvery blond hair dishevelled, red eyes droopy and hooded, lips wet and stained darker than usual. "You're mine, Shinji, " he whispered fiercely, dropping his head down and kissing me softly one last time, and another, and another before tiredly moving onto his own bed and straightening the pillow.
And I finally trusted Kaworu, could finally believe that he wasn't going to hurt me or betray me or push me away. It had been like that from the start, I now realised. I'd just been too blind to see anything, blinded by my own stupidity because I had my head stuck in the past.
Shinji, you're so slow, I exasperated. All the solutions to your problems were right in front of you. In Kaworu.
I didn't even bother straightening out the bed sheets, just pulled a pillow under my head and letting sleep abduct me. Kaworu's arm wrapped around my waist loosely and we fell asleep entwined like that, completely dead to the world.
X
I woke on my back, breathing heavily and with a faintly cool chill in the air. The only sound was faint breathing, and it wasn't mine. I was completely naked, sprawled ungracefully over two mattresses and not even fitting on them. Kaworu was partially lying over me, his arm thrown over my chest and hand curled around the side of my neck. I noticed that his eyes were slightly open, bright red blinking out at me slowly. I tried to speak but my mouth was all dry as it usually is in the morning, so I settled for his kiss when he shifted slightly to get his face to mine. I was still kind of tired and managed to mumble, "I want to sleep ... "
Kaworu just nodded and snuggled closer to me, eyes drifting shut. I did hope that Misato didn't come home early. But if she did, I wasn't going to bother moving. This was too nice. She could be shocked, I'm sleeping with Kaworu, so what. To be honest I don't really think she'd care. Might be interesting though. Kaworu murmured something sleepily in my ear about being cold and pulled the cover over both of us. It was probably from lack of clothing, but I wasn't going to complain.
However sleepy I was, I couldn't seem to actually sleep. So for a while, I just watched Kaworu's face, and although he wasn't asleep either he kept his eyes shut, and I had the pleasure of just watching his calm face. I remembered the first time I'd seen him, I'd thought he was beautiful. But this close, he was even more beautiful. I did wonder why he'd chosen somebody like me. Kaworu was perfect.
But if he wanted me, if he really had chosen me, then I was happy. I trusted Kaworu, more than anybody. He was the only person in my life that I'd actually been able to trust, the only person who'd managed to pull me out from my sad, dark little world, since my parents died. And I could even talk about it without feeling the need to run away and never look back. Kaworu had really done so much, just by giving me his attention ...
"I think I'm in love, " I whispered quietly under my breath, so he wouldn't hear.
It scared me, to be overcome by such a powerful emotion. He showed no sign of having heard, and I trembled a little, but he only pulled me closer drowsily before taking a deep breath and opening one eye. "Did you say something?"
I shook my head slightly. "Let's sleep more. "
"Shin, " Kaworu whispered, disregarding my suggestion and calling me by my affectionate name for the second time, "I'm so glad I met you. I'm so glad that I could help you. You're happy now, aren't you?" At this I nodded and gave him a small smile. "I'm sorry for being so slow, " I replied softly.
Kaworu then said slowly and a little uncertainly, "I'm really happy that you can be more confident about your past, Shinji. It wasn't your fault, you know. You didn't … understand, and if you had just watched, you might have been killed. " He paused, adding, "I'm really glad you weren't."
I smiled and wrapped an arm around him. "You look so nice when you smile ... " he breathed very softly. Blushing at this, I shut my eyes and relaxed, and at some stage I must have fallen asleep, because I didn't remember anything more.
X
"Shinji, wake up. " There was a gentle urging, somebody pulling my shoulder. "Mm ... " I shifted a little and buried my face into Kaworu's chest. "Shin, come on, " a voice hissed in my ear. I ignored it and pretended to still be asleep. There was a tugging somehow and then a groan. "Shinji, my arm is numb ... " I sighed and let go, but as soon as I felt Kaworu re-adjust I latched back on to him. He sighed and ruffled my hair. "You're very happy and affectionate this morning. "
"I have a new toy, " I mumbled. "Of course I'm happy. "
"When is Misato coming back?"
"Tomorrow ... are you going to stay?"
"Until then? I suppose – if you want me to – "
"Yes, " I demanded. Kaworu gave a small chuckle and kissed my forehead. "Shinji, what about all your homework?"
"You can help me, " was my sleepy response. Then, "Kaworu, I just woke up. Stop making me talk so much. I just want to lie in. "
"You're a lazy little boy, you know that?" Kaworu laughed again. Then he lay back and sighed, taking my hand and putting on his chest so I could feel the up and down breathing motion. We lay like that for a long time, peaceful and a little drowsy, me just feeling his heartbeat and him just holding my hand. So this was that thing they called 'love'. Funny how everyone always made such a big fuss about it, yet I never really believed that it could be worth all the things that were said about it. But now ... well, although I'd never believed that this thing called love was all it was made out to be, perhaps it was quite wonderful after all.
Or maybe it was just because it was Kaworu that it was so wonderful.
However, it didn't matter. I'd begun to lose the necessity for analysing things in my head and it was easier to just accept things as they were. Kaworu was here, and that was all that mattered.
"Shin ... if I were ever not here ... you'd be strong without me, wouldn't you? You'd keep living strongly, just for me, wouldn't you?"
Kaworu's words were so carefully picked, yet painfully obvious, and a cold, sharp fear ran through me and seized my heart. "Why? Kaworu, are you leaving?" You wouldn't talk like that unless you were really leaving!
"No ... " he tried to laugh it off. "I just want to know that no matter what, you promise to be brave and strong, and keep going for me. Okay?"
"... Of course, " I nodded quickly, but I was still afraid of his words. He wouldn't say something like that unless he really were leaving.
"Promise?" He turned on his side and smiled at me. I melted, and there was no way I could refuse him anything. If he'd asked me to throw myself off the balcony, looking at me with those red eyes and that intimate smile, I would have gladly done it instantly. "I promise, Kaworu, " I replied weakly, his eyes distracting me. Why did it matter that his words were strange? All that mattered was that he was here.
"We'd better get dressed, " he said after contemplating my answer. "We can't lie in bed all day. "
"Why?"
"It's sloth-like and I feel lethargic, and you have to do a lot of things. " He sounded very motherly.
"Nn ... " I pulled the cover over my head, feeling rather sloth-like myself.
"Shin, do you really want to lie in bed all day, alone?"
That got me going. Kaworu just watched with amused eyes, as I hopped up and pulled some clothes on. "Do you need fresh clothes?" But glancing at his discarded clothes from last night, somehow I saw that they already looked fresh, creases gone and any dirty smudges disappeared. Shrugging it off without really noticing, I asked. "What about your parents? Won't they be worried?"
Kaworu shook his head. "No. After all, I can't very well ring home and say, 'Hi dad, sorry I'm late, I was sleeping with Shinji,' can I?"
A red stain spread across my cheeks and I looked down. He laughed at my embarrassment and cooed, "It's not as if I regret it, but I don't know how he'd take it. Perhaps we'd better get him used to the idea. " My eyes widened but I willed myself to not look to shocked. Don't be a weakling in front of him ... he was only kidding ... right?
He pulled on his clothes, looking like new, although personally I thought he was much better without clothes. Then again, Kaworu always looked good no matter what.
"Let's do your homework now, shall we?" I did wonder how he managed to be so enthusiastic about it all. However, I nodded and so we sat down at the table together, looking at math assignments.
If I ever misunderstood anything about maths before, after Kaworu had helped me I came to understand everything perfectly. When I got something right he'd grin and kiss me, sometimes a quick peck, sometimes something longer, sometimes not even a kiss. When I got it wrong he'd elbow me in the ribs or something equally as painful, while explaining how the problem worked.
"Show me again, " he commanded, referring to an answer to a particularly difficult question which I'd just shown him. "Shin ... you know that's wrong ... "
"I can't do it," I whined, wanting him to show me so I could watch his face as he concentrated, chewing his lip absent-mindedly or creasing his brow. He pulled me onto his lap, one hand resting on my thigh and the other enclosing my hand that was holding the pen, moving my hand and writing down the equation again while at the same time tracing his other hand lightly up and down my leg, moving a little higher each time.
"Kaworu ... "
"Mm?" he inquired, face buried in my neck.
"I can't concentrate. How am I supposed to pay attention to your solutions when you're distracting me like that?"
"It doesn't matter. We can finish it later, " he murmured, undoing my trousers with one hand and slipping his hand inside. I cried out at the sudden constriction that came without warning and arched back against him, trying to do something, but I was cornered in by the desk, Kaworu behind me and table in front of me. Suddenly he stopped, just as I'd stopped yelling and had grown accustomed to it, and he sighed. "You're right. We'd better do some work."
Now, I could have taken that to have an entirely different meaning, but unfortunately we both knew he was referring to schoolwork. "The sooner it gets finished, the more time we have to do other things, " he whispered a little more smoothly. Not being able to trust myself to speak, I nodded and tried to forget about Kaworu behind me.
But after a while I think he must have become exasperated at my constant mistakes – which were mainly stupid errors due to lack of concentration – because he pushed me off his lap and asked for a drink. I tried to keep off my face the look of dismay at having disappointed him anyway and poured a glass of water. "It's really hot today, isn't it?" I commented absently. Kaworu just looked at me and laughed. "Shinji, you're small-talking. You'd never have even answered a question somebody asked you before, and now you're trying to make idle talk?" He drank the remainder of the glass and then smiled dryly. "You've changed a lot."
That's what everybody has said. Ever since you came, I just find more things interesting, worth getting interested in. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not the old Shinji. I didn't say any of this out loud but simply answered, "I guess I have. " Which wasn't much of an answer, but I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth just yet.
He tilted his head on the side. "When I first met you, you seemed so shy and scared of things. Now look at you. It's almost like you're a different person. " Then he averted his eyes a little. "Sorry to keep asking but ... well, are you happy now?"
But I wasn't annoyed or upset as I previously would have been, or as I'd expected to be by that sort of question. Surprisingly, I found that I could answer quite easily, "Yes. "
"Ah. " He shut his eyes. "That's good. "
"What about you, Kaworu?" My question surprised both of us. "Are you happy?"
He then opened his eyes and looked at me inquiringly. "I have always been happy, ever since I came here. "
Oh. I see. I wonder how? Does that mean that you're happier now that you have me, or doesn't it matter? "I have always been happy because even just the sight of you made me happy. " He answered my unspoken question steadily but there was an undercurrent of emotion that I could only just detect, and could not identify.
Looking up at this, I blinked at him. Did he really mean that? But of course he did. Kaworu wouldn't say things like that without meaning them. Kaworu never said anything without meaning it.
I chewed over this for a short moment, before Kaworu announcing, "I think I'd like you to show me the bathroom, Shin. "
"Hm? Oh, yeah, right ... just through here. " I led him out of the kitchen and pointed in at the relatively large bathroom that was now oddly empty due to an absence of Misato's various health and beauty products. But as I was turning to let Kaworu use the bathroom and make my way back to the kitchen, he took my elbow. "I want to show you something. "
What? What would he want to show me in the bathroom? More to the point, in my bathroom?
"Look. " He spun me so that I was facing the mirror. I blinked at my reflection, Kaworu behind me, and blinked again. "Kaworu, it's a reflection. "
"Watch. Keep your eyes on the mirror. " And then he sank his teeth into my neck, arms wrapping around my waist. I sighed shudderingly and my eyes fluttered closed, sinking back into his hold automatically. "Watch the mirror, " he hissed. He started sucking my neck very delicately, all the way down, and we both watched the brunette in the mirror gasp, stretching his neck to allow for more room as he grabbed the edge of the basin, leaning back further into the taller boy's embrace, eyes flickering shut and mouth slightly open.
That was enough for me to pull free of Kaworu's grasp and spin around, sealing our lips together and pushing my body against him hard enough to make him stumble backwards a little. His back fell against the wall and I immediately took advantage of this, covering him with hot kisses, hands straying from his hair to somewhat less innocent places, and he copied me. Needless to say, we didn't get any homework done for the majority of the day.
X
"You know, Kaoru, I always wonder about your family, " I said, staring up at the dark sky. It was night-time and the stars were just beginning to come out. Already I could see a faint dusting of the Milky Way.
There was a sharp silence but I didn't notice, simply breathing in the smell of the night and the sounds of the crickets and nearby river. "I never met any of your parents. You're an only child, right?"
"Yeah ... "
"What are your parents like? Do you look like them?"
"I guess so. I don't see my parents much ... "
"Why?"
There was another silence. "They're always out. "
I accepted this, much to Kaworu's relief I'm sure, and continued staring at the stars. I don't know how, but I sensed that he didn't want to discuss it. If Kaworu didn't want to talk about it, it must be pretty serious. I decided to be kind. "Isn't it nice, in the cool evening? It's as if all your problems are washed away ... "
"I think the sky is very beautiful, " Kaworu replied quietly. "I hope that you think of me every time you look at those stars, and that they bring you happiness. "
"I'd be happy forever just to lie here and stare at the stars with you, " I breathed, focussed on a bright pair of stars that were isolated from all the others. "If the stars make me remember this very moment every time I look at them, then that's happiness. "
Kaworu sighed and I imagined for a moment that I heard him sniff. Alarmed, I looked over, and I saw a tear running down his cheek into the grass.
"Kaworu! What's wrong?" I exclaimed, sitting bolt upright. He looked back at me curiously and I was astonished – there was nothing there. His eyes looked as clear as ever. Perhaps it had just been a trick of the light. Yeah, had to be. Kaworu didn't cry. He just didn't. He bled, yes, but he didn't cry.
"Nothing's wrong, Shin, " he said in surprise, then slid an arm around mine. "But I'm a little cold. Could you help with that?"
I snuggled up next to him, tracing over his ribs and chest with my finger through the flimsy shirt material. This was so nice ...
"Of course," came my reply. I don't know how late it was but I did know that neither of us cared. It was enough to just lie here, content, and watch the world go past. I looked back idly at the old Shinji, the scared, shy Shinji, and I laughed, pitying him. You poor little bastard ... you really didn't have a clue, did you? You were just going to keep spiralling downwards to your self destruction, never looking up and never seeing a way out. But look at me now. I'm happy. I really am.
"I'm glad, " Kaworu whispered into my hair. "I really am. "
And, I really was happy. I still don't know how long we were lying there for, staring at the sky, but for once I didn't have to search for the right things to say. I didn't have to search at all. For once, I was able to simply be comfortable in not saying anything, and Kaworu was the same. I didn't feel any of the qualms that I usually do when with other people – I wasn't afraid, or nervous. I was just ... happy. I even managed to tell Kaworu exactly what happened that night, the time that I had locked away for good, or so I thought, for my own viewing only so that I should suffer it alone, the memories, that I should carry the memories by myself with no help.
I was only twelve at the time, but twelve is the age where your brain has begun developing a little more and you become so that you are ready to accept bigger ideas and more complicated concepts.
It tends to be the time where education really starts, where the cramming of information and facts begins and actually has meaning, has significance, but for me, it was the time where I began to withdraw into myself and push people away.
My family was a happy family. My mother worked hard to keep us fed and dressed, and my father worked hard to afford this food and dressing. During the day, if I wasn't at school, I would do things with my mother such as going out to the beach or to the movies or sometimes shopping, and in the evenings when my father returned we'd all sit down and enjoy a nice meal together.
I guess that established comfort was what made the shock so sharp and painful, because it was unexpected and uncharacteristic. One weekend my mother was waiting for my father to return home, and I was just going to bed when he came home. He'd been fired that day, and he had gone to bar to get drunk.
My father wasn't naturally a heavy drinker so his body wasn't accustomed to the effects, and therefore his behaviour was unusually erratic; it was almost as if he were a different person. "I always think that it really was a different person, that my father had somehow been possessed, " I confessed to Kaworu. And that devil – or whoever took over my father's body that night – raped my mother and killed her with a butcher knife, right in front of my twelve-year-old eyes, then took my hands and took my father's life the same way.
And the dark blood had splashed everywhere, spraying over the walls and carpet and, most clear in my memory, my new white shirt and shoes. I was going to change before I went to bed but I never got the chance, because after brushing my teeth I simply fainted from exhaustion and distress, and when I woke up I was in hospital recovering from shock. I still had red marks down my front where my mother had tried to grab at my shirt as she melted to the floor, had desperately tried to say something, anything, as she gurgled raspberry ice cream onto my clothes.
The rest is a little blurry. After that I went to live with Misato, a family friend whom I'd known all my life. I ... I didn't say anything to Kaworu of this, but I really appreciate what she's done for me, even now. I think it would have been a big thing, to take in a child whose parents were murdered, a child who would obviously be disturbed and have severe repercussions from the event. Especially a child like me. Wouldn't she be scared? But she's been so good – she's looked after me, and she helps me deal with things, and even when she does nothing she still lets me know that she's there ... it's as if she makes up for all the parents I ever needed or wanted.
And oddly enough, I find those same qualities in Kaworu. He's so caring ... why does he care about me?
"Because you're special, " Kaworu replied simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. And that was all the explanation I needed. Kaworu would make things better. He had already done so.
We were just sitting there, hands touching but nothing else, like that simple contact was all that was needed to reassure each of us of the other's presence. It almost felt alien, this warm feeling in the bottom of my stomach. The odd feeling that there was nothing to worry about – and even if there was, just this moment could set all my other worries aside and let me enjoy life for the moment.
It felt wonderfully light, somehow, to finally not have to worry about all those heavy burdens. All those things that had weighed me down so much that it had almost become physical, in the way I walked and held myself, the darkness around my eyes and the pallid contrasting of my skin, the sharp blotches in my cheeks. But now, I already felt better. Already felt loved ...
But love had been there all along, hadn't it?
On the way home just as we were entering the car park, Misato's car drove in next to us and parked rather jerkily on the curb. The window rolled down and Misato's face appeared out of it. "Hey, Shinji!" I glanced at her and stopped, dropping Kaworu's hand. "Oh, Kaworu! Have you been keeping Shinji company?"
If only you knew, Misato. I raised an eyebrow and asked, "Weren't you meant to come home tomorrow?" She stretched and the door opened. "It was boring. I left early. " She ruffled my hair and chuckled. "I'd much rather be here with you, Shin." Kaworu's hand reached for mine and he squeezed it a little, agreeing with what she'd said. Misato glanced down at this small action and then back up. I waited, almost dreading what she would say. But she just winked and said quietly in a knowing voice, "I told you so ... "
Told you so what? That could refer to so many things that Misato had said that I was almost unsure of what she was referring to. Oh. Maybe about the boyfriend thing. Speaking of which, Misato needs to get herself a boyfriend too. She's been a bit jumpy – I know that occasionally she'll go out with a guy just to have a drink and a chat, just to reassure herself that she isn't completely alone and forgotten, and on very rare occasions I'll even hear her bring a guy home. But ... well, she's like me. Not really interested in anybody – that is, until I found Kaworu. Although there is a tall, dark haired friend that she seems to be seeing more of lately. I think his name was Kaji.
"I should be getting home, " Kaworu interrupted pleasantly, giving a small bow. "No, Kaworu, wait, can you ... " I trailed off, blushing embarrassedly in front of Misato. "Stay over tonight as well?"
Kaworu looked at Misato. She just shrugged and commented, "Well, I'd say that you've been living here the whole time I've been gone, so it won't make any difference to me. " I gave Misato a grateful look, albeit a somewhat embarrassed one, and she winked at me. Why does she always do that? I just don't know…
"I just have to go and get some groceries. I'll be back later. You guys okay to go upstairs?" She indicated inside the building – I'd almost forgotten we were still standing outside in the car park and it was getting cold. I shivered, wearing only a flimsy t-shirt. Kaworu silently placed his own jacket over me and suggested, "Let's go inside before you catch another cold. " I protested at the jacket – after all, Kaworu would be cold too, and he was only wearing a tank top – but he ignored me and politely said, "Goodbye, " to Misato, leading me inside the building and to the elevator.
"Kaworu, put your jacket on, or you'll be the one with a cold, " I insisted. Kaworu put a hand to my forehead thoughtfully as we entered the elevator and frowned. "Your temperature feels a little warm. Are you feeling okay?" Oh no. Here we go again. No way I can get sick so soon after that previous bad illness. "I'm fine, " I told him. "Stop worrying. "
The doors pinged and slid open and he laughed. "But of course I worry about you. "
"I suppose you expect me to take the same amount of care of you, then?" I opened the door with my key and took his jacket off, pushing it into his arms. He only looked thoughtful and shut the door behind us. "I think you already do enough for me without having to take care of me as well, " he answered after a short pause. "What's that supposed to mean? I'm weak?"
Kaworu very suddenly hooked his foot around my ankle and pushed me off balance, letting me fall backwards onto the table. Following me, arms pinning me down to the table, he replied a little amusedly, "Yes. "
"Hey! I'm ... " but I found that I couldn't really argue. He was right. Seeing my expression, he cut in, "Shin, it was only a joke. You aren't weak. "
I let my head fall back and hit the table below me. "I am. " Kaworu frowned. "No, don't say that. You've been so strong. " He brushed brown hair out of my eyes softly and leant over me, pressing me to the table. "You've come this far still surviving. "
"Bullshit! That doesn't mean anything, " I reasoned. "Stop saying those things, " Kaworu murmured, lips falling to catch mine. I was almost tempted to reach up and wrap my arms around him, but ... "Kaworu, Misato is coming home. I don't think she wants to come home to see ... anything like this, you get me ... "
"We've still got time, " Kaworu nuzzled my ear with his lips. I sighed and curled to his touch more, feeling a little guilty none-the-less for not having given him the same pleasure he was giving me. His kisses were like chocolate, hot, sweet and melting, but always different, and I couldn't decide which extremity I liked best – the fast, rough, slightly painful nipping that drew blood, or the slow, light brushing that felt as if he were trying to memorize my face by tracing it with his mouth.
"Kaworu ... you taste like chocolate ... " I murmured, taking his mouth with my lips and forcing my tongue in.
"Mm? But I like vanilla, " he replied, drawing away. Of course! I knew that. Kaworu did taste like vanilla. Just … vanilla flavoured chocolate. He smelt like vanilla slightly, too. Not the oversweet, stuffy, cloying vanilla, the delicate and sharp fragrance of a real vanilla plant.
I smiled sweetly at him and then pushed him over, his face and stomach down onto the table, leaning over him. "Okay then, vanilla flavoured chocolate. Better?" I pressed my hips down into him, nipping the back of his neck. He groaned and tried to get up. "Shin ... " But I wouldn't move – I can be stubborn too, when I want to. My hands slipped under his shirt and I traced over his hard stomach, kissing the back of his neck everywhere, hips pressing harder and he groaned again.
"Shinji, stop it – " The front door clicked and I sprang up like I'd been bitten, pulling Kaworu to a standing position hastily. Misato strolled in with two plastic bags, humming off-tune, and she walked into the kitchen without even looking at us. Then she walked straight back out and it was as if she hadn't seen us at all. I looked at Kaworu, who just looked back at me and shrugged. He looked like he was about to laugh.
"I'm going to bed, guys. I'm tired, " she called. Okay, it was about an hour before midnight and I guess just having returned from business had tired Misato out. However, I was feeling pretty awake.
... mind you, I guess I did have an excuse. And she hadn't even seen us! Maybe she was so tired she really hadn't noticed us. But I just nodded and called, "Goodnight!" Kaworu was looking kind of fidgety so I slipped a hand up his shirt and started massaging his back, partially leaning against him. He relaxed and let out a breath. "Mm ... now I'm drowsy ... "
"Kaworu, don't go to sleep on me!" I said in dismay as he started slumping back against me, sliding to the floor. "I'm not carrying you to bed!" He just muttered, "I can sleep here, " but I couldn't let Kaworu sleep on the kitchen floor – it was cold, and probably dirty, and horribly uncomfortable ... and I didn't want to sleep by myself in my bed ... "Argh, get up, " I complained, tugging at his arm but by now he was just sitting there leaning against my legs. Stepping away, I knelt down and tried to lift him up, but either he was trying to hold himself to the floor, or I was just very weak.
And then of course he wrapped him arms tightly around me and pulled me down with him, showing no sing of drowsiness at all. "Kaworu, you aren't sleepy at all, you're just – mmh!" I don't think he cared very much about my indignation, because he sure as hell wasn't paying attention. "Shut your eyes, Shinji, " he then whispered, tracing over my face, and I could only comply and pray that Misato wouldn't hear anything, and that she wouldn't wake up to find two naked bodies entangled on the kitchen floor in the morning.
X
"Argh ... what is that sound ..." Kaworu groaned and tried to block his ears. I just took a deep breath of his vanilla scent and let myself relax, adjusting to being awake. Somehow we must have managed to make it back to the bedroom last night – either I dragged Kaworu in or he dragged me (no way I was going to make out on the kitchen floor), but it didn't really matter.
"... is it okay to love you? Ah, like this ... " Oh, that's what that sound was. Misato was playing the radio.
The radio? Since when does Misato listen to the radio? She was acting strangely lately ... I wouldn't put it past Kaworu. He makes everyone act strange.
"Is that good or bad?" Kaworu inquired, looking down at me with red eyes. Oops. I'd forgotten about that. And we were touching (well, more than touching, but I won't go into detail) – so no wonder – "What do you think, Kaworu? You made me act like a normal person instead of a loser. That has to be good, right?"
He smiled faintly and replied, "I liked Shin being normal and as a loser. "
At that I frowned. It made me think of all the bad things that had happened, and I didn't really like being reminded that I used to be a loser ... wait, that didn't matter now, did it? Because I had Kaworu ...
"I'm so glad I've got you, Kaworu, " I sighed, feeling pathetic but nonetheless happy. He didn't move nor reply and I looked up, confused. He was just staring somewhere above my head, and looking a little distant. "I have to go, Shin. I'll ... thanks for having me. It's been really great. " And then he gave me another hug, and smiled, and it was the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen.
"Really. Thanks. " And then he slid out, started to get dressed. "Are you going right now?"
Kaworu paused. "I am. " And then he looked up at me. "Do you remember when I told you to be strong if I were to leave?"
A wave of horrible foreboding washed over me. I swallowed and nodded. "Don't forget that, Shin. Just remember that you've become strong, and that you can't do anything about things that have already happened ... you know you've learnt that, don't you? About your past ... "
Silently a tear slid down my cheek. I didn't understand him. He sounded ... sad.
"I don't understand ... "
"Don't forget it, Shinji! Don't forget how to be strong by yourself, and how to find the small light that always, always appears to guide you. Don't forget to be strong for me ... "
"I won't forget, Kaworu, " I said shakily, trying to refrain from crying. After all, he was just going home, no need to get so upset ...
He nodded but didn't smile. "Goodbye, Shinji. "
"Goodbye ... " I was going to add, 'see you tomorrow', but for some strange reason I didn't say it.
I just smiled at him a little weakly, trying to look happy, and he smiled back before slipping out of the door.
Don't forget that ... why did he speak that way?
I just lay there for a while, almost an hour I think, trying to understand what he was saying. None of it made sense. Was he playing mind tricks with me again? Kaworu wouldn't do that, I told myself.
"You going to get up today, Shin?" Misato called. I don't know whether she realised that Kaworu had left. Probably, if she'd sat there all morning.
"I'm coming, " I shouted back with no intention of moving. I just wanted to know what Kaworu had been saying. Couldn't he tell me in simple words?
But deep down, I didn't want to hear it in simple words. I didn't want to hear it at all. Whatever Kaworu had been trying to tell me ... I didn't want to know. Just when my life was getting good – just when I'd learnt how to become strong by myself, how to support myself ... Unless, of course, that had been what he'd meant.
Which it probably did.
What did he say? I had learnt how to become strong ... even if he went away ... was that what he was trying to say?
And then I remembered. I hadn't told him that I loved him.
Soulfulzen rocks. Can you imagine editing this monster?
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