raspberries

After finally managing to drag myself out of bed I arrived rather late at school. I don't think many people noticed. Not many people notice me anyway. But I was surprised, when a lot of people started asking if I was okay, if I had just slept in. I was surprised at their interest. Since when did everybody notice Shinji?

I turned around and tapped Toji on the arm. "Where's Kaworu today?"

"Who's Kaworu?" he asked quite obliviously. He wasn't joking.

"What?"

"Shinji, are you feeling okay?"

"Kaworu! Kaworu Nagisa, the newest student, blonde hair, red eyes?" I couldn't believe this. Why didn't anybody – I glanced at his empty desk. It wasn't there. The empty desk was shoved up the back of the classroom turned on its side, unused and slightly dusty.

"No." Toji gave me a funny look. "Shinji, do you want – "

"Suzuhara! Are you paying attention?"

"What, me, um yes sir! I am!" Suzuhara said hastily, turning back around.

I didn't hear the teacher's question to him as the room seemed to spin about me and I felt as if my feet had left the floor, nauseous, blinded, confused.

X

As the teacher tried to adjust the screen one of the channels flicked on to the midday news. The students were chatting among themselves and only I, stuck in my disbelief and sorrow, caught the end of the news report.

" ... And the parents of Nagiza Kaoru are still pleading for anyone with information to come forward and aid them in the desperate search for the killer of their son, Kaoru, who was brutally murdered just three weeks ago ... " I stared at the photo that was flashed onto the bulletin, the words "Nagiza Kaoru" printed below the image.

Kaworu's smiling face beamed out, looking no different to how I had seen him most of the time, mild and happy, content, beautiful.

"If anyone has any details or information concerning this tragic incident please contact the Investigations Bureau ... "

My mouth slowly opened and it took me several seconds to register before I turned around and grabbed Suzuhara's arm, yelling, "Look! Kaworu!"

Suzuhara broke off his conversation (rather, argument) with Hikari and turned around, glancing at the screen. "What?"

But the teacher managed to focus the video and a stunning scene of Mount Fuji appeared, covered in pure snow.

"Go back! Go back!" I demanded desperately, and the television, as if complying, flickered back to the news bulletin. But Kaworu was gone. The reporter seemed much more interested in the weather forecast.

"Tomorrow's weather fine and sunny, unusual weather for this time of the year and it will be beautiful weather all week, so make the most of it. Sunday will hit the peak of the heatwave with top temperatures ..."

X

Kaworu is gone ... I didn't comprehend the words. They got stuck halfway and wouldn't register in the part of me that could have understood.

He wasn't even there to begin with. That only made things worse. He was never there for me from the start. It was all a lie.

"Kaworu ..." I whispered, burying my face in my hands. His smile the first time we met, his amused expression when Kensuke did something stupid, his expression that was halfway between shock and pleasure when I put my finger inside him, his smile the last time I ever saw him ...

"I can't. Not without you." The words trailed out of my mouth without me thinking first, but they were true. Not without you.

He wasn't even real. He was never there – it was nothing! It had all been a sick joke. And I had thought – I had thought I'd found somebody who cared, I thought I had found love. And everything had been a lie, all my courage, and all my joy, and everything I had experienced.

Was it worth it? Just meeting Kaworu ... and he wasn't ever real ... there was no point. Everything I had been living for. There was nothing to live for. Nothing to live for. He was gone.

Kaworu would understand.

Red spurted from my wrist.

X

The spring breeze echoes the pulse of my veins and makes an uneasy sound,

My future is destroyed

I have no more

I want to be with you more, I want to be near you more

I can't do any more than hide the tears behind a weak smile

At the end of my countless years of dreaming will there be a true me?

I tried so hard to bear with it

I even reached out my hand,

But I'm here now, living

We're in hell under his control

The finale is revealed, the lights are extinguished, the stage is dark

Let me hear your voice more I want to be here still

I loved you from my heart goodbye

I didn't even know your name

Amber Dir en grey

X

The end.

To Novaloria, bitchmonkey, Chakenmo, SyntheticNeko, maybe blue, berettaboy, Jellybean, M3y, Neko Kate-chan, tira, Tmina, puckie, Nailo, pewp, Adam Kadmon, maleficus-lupus, RoninsOath, Haziel, Cetsunai, Harushi Karasunaki, eurynomeonice, combat, lunasun72, HieiJaganshi11, lorelei, Sable3733, KivaEmber – thanks, guys.

I really, really appreciate everything. Your reviews made my day.