What, you actually BELIEVED that I was gonna go off my rocker like Anno? You LOSERS …
raspberry jam
After finally managing to drag myself out of bed I arrived rather late at school. I don't think many people noticed. Not many people notice me anyway. But I was surprised, when a lot of people started asking if I was okay, if I had just slept in. I was surprised at their interest. Since when did everybody notice Shinji?
I turned around and tapped Toji on the arm. "Where's Kaworu today?"
He shrugged. "I dunno, haven't seen him around. I thought you would have seen him first."
That was what I thought too. That's why I was worried.
"Suzuhara! Are you paying attention?"
"What, me, um yes sir! I am!" Suzuhara said hastily, turning back around. Kaworu still hadn't arrived and his words from yesterday wouldn't stop echoing in my head. About being strong, even if … if he wasn't there … what had he meant? Why wasn't he here now?
When recess arrived and Kaworu still hadn't turned up, I began to get really worried. He could just be sick today, right? But there was an uneasiness in my stomach, and the flashbacks from yesterday would not stop repeating themselves in my head. I tried to reassure myself, tell myself that it was just his one day absent. It didn't work.
All through the morning the worry kept building up in me and I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't work. I was sent to the nurse again – the only times I'd ever needed to go to her was after I'd met Kaworu – and she confirmed that there was something wrong with me. She told me to go home and get some rest.
"You have a temperature, and you're terribly flushed. You might be coming down with something again."
But I knew it wasn't that. Kaworu's words spun in my head and made me dizzy, and I began to feel nauseous. Misato was at work so I had to walk home, and it seemed so much farther this time. Since when was this road never-ending? The cars whipped past me on the road uncaringly, for me at that moment just like the entire world that simply kept going by without noticing the wretched little schoolboy who'd lost his love. The clouds had been gathering and getting darker, and the air was chilly – I shivered violently. I knew that I needed to put my jumper on but I didn't have the energy. It started raining lightly, my already clammy skin getting wetter and I felt as if I couldn't walk any further. I just wanted to get home.
"Shinji!"
That voice pierced me through like a sword and I turned just in time to be violently shoved aside and knocked to the wet ground, landing on my backside in what must have been a very amusing scenario for any onlooker but was both humiliating and painful from my perspective. My palms were grazed, the sting of wet gravel and dirt against raw flesh, water soaking through my trousers and into my skin. There was a screech, a squelching sound. A smash.
"What – "
And suddenly I saw a lot of red, like Kaworu's eyes.
The ground spun beneath me and if I hadn't been already sitting I would have fallen over. My mouth dropped open and I'm sure that I tried to scream but nothing came out and something in my head was screaming at me, 'Shut your eyes Shinji! Look away!'
But of course the natural morbid fascination with gore that we all have somewhere deep down compelled me to keep staring and suddenly my stomach churned and I had to lean over and vomit out onto the ground, my insides hurting and my throat and mouth burning.
Red. Shining in the midday sun.
"Oh my god …" A woman near me stopped and screamed. Not at me. At the mess on the road. I didn't dare to look up again because I knew what I would see – a car, veered off the road, leaving skid marks over the tar and the curb. A broken body now slick with blood. Pale hair, stained with crimson just like the eyes that were now shut. My heart was beating at a rate that had to be unhealthy and over the top of that loud thumping I could hear my uneven and jagged breathing, could feel my body about to explode. Rain pounded down on me, harder, sliding down my chest inside my clothes and flattening my hair to my face.
All the things Kaworu had said yesterday came flooding back. Being by myself … being strong without him … well, since Kaworu could 'hear' my thoughts didn't it make sense that he had known what would happen today? Could he see the future as well?
His hands pushing me off the road had bruised my ribs and it ached a little. The noise around me was getting louder – people had gathered around, had stopped in the heavy rain to crowd and gawk at another person's misfortunes, almost certainly taking a sick enjoyment and entertainment in my crushed lover.
Why hadn't anybody called an ambulance? Didn't they know Kaworu was dying?
I was still staring at my hands; I'm not sure when I had started doing that. They'd started to bleed a little, but the rain washed my blood away and it was almost invisible.
Kaworu was dying?
No! Not because of me, not again! Especially not … Kaworu … No! This wasn't happening, Kaworu wasn't going to die because of me! My body moved without me telling it to, without moving and somehow I was suddenly past the crowd of people, by Kaworu's side, grabbing his shoulders and screaming into his face. "Kaworu!"
He didn't reply. He wouldn't even look at me. "Kaworu, open your eyes," I begged, tears slipping down my face and mixing with the rain.
The driver of the car that would have – should have – hit me, was only just getting out of the car now, a trickle of red down his face and a shocked expression to match. "Fuck!"
I didn't care about this bastard; all I knew was that I could move the blame from myself to him now that he was there. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I screamed, my voice breaking up. "You – "
Before I had a chance to launch myself at him and do something unforgivable, the sound of sirens cut in. My anger at the imbecile who'd hit Kaworu was partially dissolved into a hopeful relief; somebody had called an ambulance!
I knew already that Kaworu would be taken away, I knew that I wouldn't be allowed to go with him. Family only, right? But to my surprise – well, I wouldn't call it that, I was too much of a mess of shock and trauma and every other extreme emotional to be surprised – the woman in the white paramedic clothes looked around and asked, "Are you the only family or friend around?"
I swallowed and nodded. No time to be embarrassed and awkward now. "Right, get in," she answered brusquely, shoving me in the back after Kaworu had been carried on a stretcher. I moved like a robot, one part of me grateful that I could be with Kaworu, but only a small part.
During the ride I could only sit and stare at Kaworu's face, thinking desperately, don't leave me, don't go out, please be okay Kaworu …
He'd known what was going to happen to me, he'd sacrificed … I started crying again, silently, a cold despair growing deep inside me. Not so much because Kaworu had been hit – well there was obviously that – but more the psychological repercussions of why and what was going to happen after and, would I be able to handle the knowledge that yet again, somebody had died because of me …
I put a hand on his sticky arm, not caring about the blood, just needing to feel him there and hope like hell that he was still with me. Don't go …
X
I don't remember what happened in between that and coming to sit in a chair in a stereotypical over-sterilised stark white hospital room. I looked down at my knuckles clenching into my trousers, seeing how white they were. And shaking. I think my entire body was shaking but my hands were the worst, uncontrollable.
I was still damp from the rain but I'd dried off a little inside the hospital and now I began to feel the chill that had been approaching slowly since I'd left school. I drew my arms around my waist and hugged myself tightly, to try to keep the body heat in. To keep myself warm.
There was another man in the room, sitting some way away, middle aged and a little overweight. He was biting his lip and gazing into space, probably feeling very similar to how I did. Nervous. Dreading the news. Sick. How long had he been waiting? How long would I be waiting? The time that we sat there in silence was every bit as tormenting as any bad news that could have come – not knowing what had happened at all was worse than knowing the bitter end, it seemed.
But finally an elderly man opened the door on the left and approached the man who'd been waiting along with me. He bent forwards a little, murmured in the man's ear, and stood up straight with a solemn expression. I felt a hard and burning lump deep in my stomach, instinctively knowing what had made the man pale even more and freeze. The doctor looked at him for a little moment then shook his head and retreated back into the room.
I was left alone with the man and was almost afraid to look at him – his expression slowly changed from shocked disbelief to one of painful understanding, anger and finally anguish. A tortured cry escaped from his mouth and he collapsed, his head cradled in his arms, curled up in his chair in an almost foetal position. He took a long shuddery breath and his entire body shook; I was saved from anything that might have followed and in all likelihood damaged me beyond repair, by two nurses who came in and soothingly tried to escort the man from the room, crooning uselessly. Didn't they know? He couldn't hear them. He was drowned in his sorrow.
As the door slammed shut behind them my mind started to visualise myself in the man's position. I couldn't stop – what if the worst … what if I was waiting for the same news as that man? What if … what if, what if …
I nearly drove myself mad half imagining 'what ifs' and half trying to repress any thought at all, and I had to wait even longer before the door on my right moved and I jumped, heart suddenly hammering painfully and mouth dry. Did I want to hear this?
I looked at the nurse's face. It was impossible to tell – she wore the same kindly serious expression that all people with bad news seem to wear. A heat rushed to my face and I felt the prickle of tears, all ready to fall.
"Your friend is in a stable condition. He's broken an arm and several ribs, and lost an impressive amount of blood, but nothing fatal. It looked worse than it really was."
The first thing that must have happened was my shock. I stood there with my mouth open for a moment, trying to convince myself to believe her – after all, had I really been expecting bad news?
I tried to speak but probably ended up looking like a goldfish gasping for water, but finally managed to stammer, "He's – he's okay?"
She nodded and smiled at me. "You can see him in a while. I'll take you to his room."
I felt light headed but was filled with an inane giddiness. He was okay! That was all I could think. Had I really thought he was going to die? Kaworu wouldn't do that. Of course he wouldn't! I could hardly believe it was only minutes before that I'd feared the worst. How could I have let myself believe that … how could I have not trusted him, I wondered. Kaworu was really too wonderful.
X
Red eyes opened sleepily, looked up at me. I had a feeling he'd been awake for a while, and aware of my presence, but it was as if I'd been born again to just look into his eyes and see a faint smile on that sweet face. I repressed the urge to squeeze him in a tight embrace as obviously I didn't want to make the damage worse but I managed to be satisfied with giving a small smile in return.
We just looked at each other a while before he spoke.
"Do you believe in angels, Shin?" His voice was very quiet but since the room was silent, I had no difficulty in hearing his words.
It struck me as an odd thing to say, firstly because he'd just woken up after being hit by a car, and also because I often likened Kaworu to an angel in my mind. But it didn't matter. In any case I truly believed in them now.
I nodded. Kaworu seemed to relax and his smile widened. He reached out a hand delicately, the unbroken one, and put it on my arm. "I saved you, then, didn't I?"
From what? My brow creased slightly, a strand of damp hair falling into my eyes and before Kaworu could comment I blurted out, "You mean from the car?" That was what he meant, right? Damn Kaworu for always speaking in riddles of some kind.
"In a way."
Always in riddles.
"In a way?" I pouted. "Kaworu, what on earth do you mean? You saved me from the car, I saw it! And that's why you're here now!" Indignation came through, my anger at what he'd done evident.
He paused. "Maybe … angels are sent to save people … so if you believe in them, I suppose it was an angel that saved you from that car …"
And you from … dying, I thought to myself with a small shudder. But it was you who saved me from the car. You're the angel, Kaworu.
That funny smile kicked up at the corners of his mouth again. "Truer than you know, Shin."
I'd forgotten about that. He was still touching me, so of course he'd known what I was thinking. There had been a touch of – what was it? I didn't know it, something very strange, but not unsettling – in his voice when he said that.
"What's wrong, Kaworu?"
He pulled his hand away and stared up at the ceiling. "I'm just glad you're okay."
His words were almost hypocritical because I should have been the one saying that to him, but I was still bemused by all this talk of angels. He was obviously trying to tell me something but I could never figure these things out …
He stared at me with those red eyes, pulling me in. "Come here," he commanded, and I obeyed, moving closer to him without bumping any of the wires or machines attached to him.
"Don't worry about it," he whispered. "I love you."
That was what I'd forgotten to tell him yesterday. And it was so important, and it meant everything to me …
I kissed him, my eyes shut, my arm slipping around his back. My fingers traced over a bloody wound torn down his shoulder blade and I thought I felt something delicate shift, something made of very fine bone and cool and feathery to the touch but there was only the softness of the pillow, filled with fluffy down.
I wouldn't be here without SoulfulZen. You wouldn't have read this story if he weren't around, so go and grovel to him.
Heh, I just realised that I made Kensuke a complete a-sexual throughout the whole story.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end. Thanks for coming along on the ride.