Transitions
An alternate ending for 'Colonial Day'. It's time for Lee and Kara to have a talk about where their future is going.
ZZZZZZZZZ
Lee stood in the doorway of the ballroom, scanning for Kara. She was really the only one he wanted to spend time with here. He hadn't seen her on the way over - he figured she'd taken an earlier shuttle. There were a few scatterings of uniforms amongst the dressy patrons, but none of them was her. Surprising, really. Lee himself had been on the last shuttle coming over from Galactica and she'd been nowhere to be found there either.
His eyes made another pass of the room, wondering if perhaps she'd decided against coming after all (perhaps his earlier comments about lack of hygiene had stung more than he thought?), but no, that wasn't like Kara. She'd never been one to miss a good party. His eyes fell upon a woman standing at the bar - same blonde hair as Kara's , but styled, same height, same basic body structure. But that's where the similarities ended. For this woman was wearing a dazzling blue backless dress and diamond drop earrings. It couldn't be her, could it? Lee had never seen her dressed up like this - in fact he didn't know if she even owned any nice clothes; he'd never seen her outside of uniform or sweats.
His feet moved forward involuntarily - he had to know if it was her. He'd likely be disappointed when she turned around and another woman's face was attached to that stunning body, but still, he had to know.
As if sensing eyes on her, the woman put down her drink and slowly turned her head to see who was staring at her.
The gods be damned - it was Kara.
As soon as she saw him, she turned all the way around and smiled a stunning, provocative smile.
Lee's legs stopped moving and he felt as if turned to stone. His mouth opened briefly, and shut again as he mentally stammered to find the right words. Nothing came. It was as though he'd been rendered speechless. Finally after a long moment of staring at her appreciatively, his mouth formed words again.
"So, uh ... that bum knee of yours is looking pretty good." What the hell was that? he asked himself. She's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen and you're talking about her knee? "And the other one's not too bad either." Double foot in the mouth. What was he? A hormone-crazed teenager unable to vocalize his feelings?
But the moment the thought crossed his mind, he knew the answer. This was Kara - his dead brother's fiancee, his closest friend, his wing-mate, room-mate, and person who knew more about him than anyone alive. He couldn't be honest and tell her he thought she was beautiful - that would lead to places they couldn't go, and that likely she didn't want to go to anyway. So he resorted to teasing her - their usual form of communication. It was safe, familiar territory.
Kara rolled her eyes and smiled at him, a slightly exasperated look on her face. "Lee, if you wanna ask me to dance, just ask."
Did he want to dance indeed! There wasn't anything he'd rather be doing at this moment than holding her in his arms. He walked towards her, his shyness suddenly gone. "You wanna dance?" he asked earnestly.
She looped her arm through his as they headed out to the dance floor. "Me in a dress is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity." They both smiled as he led her to the floor and took her in his arms. Heaven, it was pure heaven! It wasn't like he'd never touched her, or even held her in his arms before, but it had been either work-related, being in very close quarters, or accidental, like when she'd tripped down the steps getting out of her viper and had landed in his arms. This was different though. It was deliberate. They were close because they wanted to be.
Don't read anything into it, he told himself, Kara loves to party and flirt with men and you just happened to be here. It doesn't mean a thing. But inside his heart bled. He wanted it to mean something. He wanted to know he was just as special to her as she was to him. He didn't know exactly when it had happened, but somewhere between seeing her on Galactica for the first time since the funeral, and two months later when she'd gone missing after crashing on that moon, his feelings for her had changed.
When he'd come for the decommissioning ceremony, Kara was the one he'd been looking forward to seeing, not his father. He'd discovered she was in hack and had gone to see her before too long. But things were still as tense as ever between them, and they treated each other with barely concealed disdain. It had hurt, but Lee knew he wouldn't see her again for a long time, if ever, after the ceremony was over. He hadn't been planning on staying on Galactica one second longer than necessary.
But circumstances changed, and they'd been thrown together - not even as two people on a ship with over a thousand who might not bump into each other often, but as CAG and deputy CAG, flying partners. Two people who had no choice but to see and work with each other every day. And so they'd put their quarrel behind them and focused on the present.
And somehow Lee's feelings had undergone a massive transformation. Within two months, she'd gone from his antagonist to his best friend - someone he felt he couldn't live without. And somewhere in there his heart had become involved too. He'd fallen in love with her. The one woman he couldn't have. For the most part, he was careful to keep his distance. That was required anyway given their working relationship. He knew Tigh felt he and Kara were too close already; his father probably felt the same way, but at least his father could understand what bound them together. After all, he treated her like a daughter - they were close enough to be family even though they weren't.
The music changed, slowed to a sultry love song, and Kara melted into his arms. She moved close and put her head right next to his so his face was resting against her hair. He drank in deep breaths of her intoxicating scent (was that strawberry-scented shampoo? where in gods name had she gotten that?), and began to feel every nerve in his body hum as though an electric current was pulsing through it. He was aware of every place their bodies touched and he felt an aching like he'd never felt before. The skin of her bare back was warm under his touch, and his hand began to skim it lightly, feeling the gentle curves beneath his fingertips. His other hand felt her clasp tighter, and she sighed and closed her eyes - the picture of perfect contentment.
Lee however, was becoming more uncomfortable as the moments passed. The desire to pull her closer, kiss her, run his hands up and down her body, feeling all the hills and valleys was becoming unbearable. The effort he had to use to restrain himself was becoming downright physically painful.
Finally the tension in him became too much and something snapped. He had to get away - before he couldn't stop himself. He broke away from her and moved back two steps. Their eyes met, and he saw confusion and sadness. "I'm sorry, I can't ... " he said, turning away from her and striding away quickly. Don't follow, please don't follow, he prayed, though knowing Kara, she probably would. She had a habit of not knowing when to leave people alone, and it had gotten Lee mad at her many times before. Right now he needed space. And time to figure out exactly how he was going to deal with his feelings. It was obvious he couldn't keep lying to himself, and if it wasn't obvious to everyone else yet, it soon would be.
He needn't have worried though. Kara stood on the dance floor, rooted to the spot, wondering what the hell had happened. Things had been going so nicely, and suddenly he'd bolted.
Her hurt and confused look didn't go unnoticed though. A few moments later, Gaius Baltar had waltzed onto the dance floor, sweeping her into his arms and paying her sweet compliments, whispered into her ear. In spite of herself, she smiled, even giggled a little at his jokes, and relaxed into the dance. Her heart was in a twist though - she really wanted to be with Lee, not this suave self-proclaimed ladykiller.
Lee stood by the window of the ballroom, looking out at the stars. Something about space had always comforted him, and tonight he needed comfort. Tonight it had finally hit home what he was doing to himself. The problem was, there was no way he could avoid it. He would have to keep seeing her, working with her, sharing a bunkroom, meals and a bathroom with her, from now till who knew when? When they found earth? Lee wasn't exactly convinced there was really an earth to find, despite what the scriptures said.
There was no way either of them could leave or be transferred either. All modesty aside, the two of them were the best pilots the fleet had, and there was no way his father would approve of either of them leaving, if they'd ever even have the guts to ask. Lee knew he could never ask Kara to go - Galactica was her home - had been even before the end of the world. And he couldn't go - couldn't leave the responsibility of being the CAG on Kara's shoulders, nor could he betray his father like that. The two of them had only begun a shaky relationship, and Lee's desertion would destroy what little they had.
So here he was, stuck living and working with the woman he loved more than life itself, having to lock up his feelings inside and never allow them to show. Fat chance he'd succeed at that.
He wasn't aware of the passage of time, but suddenly he could feel a shiver down his back and realized someone was watching him. He turned slowly to find Kara behind him, a strange look on her face. He should have known - no one else gave him shivers like that.
"You okay Lee?" she asked tentatively
He put on a brave face and smiled. "Sure, why shouldn't I be?" The smile didn't reach his eyes. Kara knew him well enough to know he was trying to hide something. Something that saddened him.
"Why don't you tell me?" She walked up beside him and stood looking out the window, hands resting lightly on the guardrail. Lee turned and face out the window as well, and they stood side by side in silence for a while.
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. What happened out there on the dance floor?"
"Nothing ... I ... I just didn't feel like dancing."
Kara turned to face him. "Don't lie to me Lee, I know you better than that."
"Kara, don't do this to me ... " he began warningly.
"I thought we were friends," she said softly, and when Lee turned to face her, he could see the hurt look in her eyes. "I guess I was wrong." She turned to face the window again, tears darkening her eyes.
What was happening? Kara Thrace never cried - why were her eyes filling with tears because Lee wouldn't talk to her? She blinked rapidly, willing the tears to go away.
"We are," Lee whispered, placing a hand over hers and flinching inwardly at the electric current stirring between them again. "I'm afraid."
She looked at him curiously. "Afraid of what?"
He turned and looked straight into her eyes. "You," he said simply.
"Me?" She looked stunned for a moment, then tried to regain her composure - using sarcasm of course - her usual tool to distance herself from situations she found difficult to handle. "I know most men are afraid of me - I can kick their asses after all - but I wouldn't have expected you ..."
"Stop it Kara, I'm serious."
She stopped talking and looked up into his face. Fear, sadness, confusion - they were all written there.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "It's just easier for me to ..."
"I know. You wanted me to talk to you though. Well, you're going to have to listen and not make this into a joke."
She squeezed his hand, twining her fingers into his. "Okay."
He paused a few moments, drawing deep breaths. This was it, either she'd feel the same way he did or she wouldn't, in which case the end of their close friendship seemed imminent. Lee had seen and experienced enough to know when one friend felt deeper feelings and the other didn't, it spelled trouble. "I'm afraid of how I feel about you." There. He'd finally said it, and gotten it out in the open. Kind of felt good actually. But he dreaded her response.
Her eyes searched his for a minute before she answered. "How DO you feel about me?"
"That's a tough question to answer."
"I know what you mean."
Lee's eyebrows drew together in a frown. "How do you..."
"You think my feelings for you aren't complicated?"
His heart raced. Maybe it was possible she felt ... but even if she did, their situation was way beyond complicated.
"Kara, I know I shouldn't have feelings for you, I mean, even beyond the unprofessionalism of falling for an officer under your command, there's Zack." The word hung in the air for a moment, all the unspoken things between them suddenly out in the open.
"Zack," she echoed softly. "I never meant to betray him," she began but Lee interrupted.
"I know, it was just because you loved him, no one can blame you for being human."
She shook her head. "Not that, I mean ... you. How I feel about you." She took a deep breath. "When Zack died, I felt as though I'd never love anyone again. I didn't want to - I didn't deserve love. The one time in my life I had something special and look what happened. I frakked that up royally. But the way I've been feeling about you ... you're Zack's brother - how could I ,"
Lee squeezed her hand. "I know." He swallowed hard. "I keep telling myself that I can't feel this way, you belong to Zack, not to me. It's wrong for me to want to be anything more than your friend." He looked down, not wanting her to see the tears that were coming into his eyes.
"Lee." He stubbornly refused to look up, so in proper Starbuck fashion, she put a hand under his chin and lifted it up, to see the tears sparkling in his eyes. "Under normal circumstances you know this wouldn't be happening. But life is anything but normal now. Everything's changed - nothing follows the rules the way they used to be anymore." She squeezed his hand now and tried to smile. "I'm not sure what there is between us, but something's definitely there."
"What do we do about it? Anything more than what we have now isn't allowed - we're already closer than we should be for a CAG and his lead pilot. And morally - I don't know Kara, I just feel so ..."
"Guilty?" she supplied. He nodded. "Me too. It's been two and half years since he died, and I'm finally starting to feel like I should move on - like I may be able to find someone else." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Only I never expected it to be you."
"So where do we go from here?" Lee asked quietly, never breaking eye contact with her.
"I don't know," she sighed. "The human race is going to die out in a generation if all we do is run and fight for our lives. There has to come a time when people pick mates and ..."
"... have children."
She swallowed and drew a large breath, bracing herself for what she was about to say. "Even though I'm having difficulty with the thought of us, I'll be honest with you. I'm not sure I could stand seeing you with another woman." Her cheeks coloured slightly.
Lee smiled at her and took her other hand so he was holding both. "I'm glad you're being honest with me. I have to confess, I certainly wouldn't want to see you with another man."
"Don't worry, there's no one else I want to be with."
He sighed. "So what do we do? We still haven't figured that out."
She thought a moment. "Maybe we just take things slowly and see where it goes. Let ourselves get used to the idea."
"So in the meanwhile we just stay friends? Friends who are exclusive but not together?"
"Something like that." Kara smiled broadly. "Why should things ever be easy between us?"
"Somehow I have the feeling they never will be," Lee said, smiling back.
"That's okay. I like a challenge, don't you?"
"I like you, don't I? That says it all." She slapped his arm playfully, and he pulled her into his arms for a hug. She hugged back fiercely and they stayed locked together till a gruff cough interrupted them.
"Kara, could I borrow Lee for a few minutes?"
"Of course sir," Kara smiled, releasing Lee to go talk with his father.
She wandered over to the bar to order a drink and was immediately accosted by Gaius Baltar. "Would you like to dance?" he asked, smiling at her.
She smiled back. "Sure." She could afford to be nice tonight, even to him. Her heart felt happier than it had in a long, long time. As they danced, she closer her eyes, imagining it was Lee's lean body she was pressed against, his strong arms holding her gently, his breath in her hair.
"Would you ... like to come back to my quarters for a nightcap?" he whispered in her ear, obviously assuming her pleasure at the dance was because of him.
Kara opened her eyes, startled out of her daydream by the wrong voice coming from the wrong body. She saw Lee coming across the dance floor towards her, blue eyes as clear and promising as the sky.
"Thank you, but no, I have plans." And she pulled out of his arms and moved to meet Lee.
"So, you wanna go see if there's a card game back home?" he asked.
"You're volunteering to play cards with me?" She blinked, surprised. "That's a first."
"So's seeing you in a dress."
"Touche," she laughed, taking his arm. As they walked across the ballroom, Kara knew this was exactly where she wanted to be. Wherever Lee was.
THE END