Author's Note: This story is the result of a personal lamentation: Why on Earth are so many authors desperate to ship off their teenage, irresponsible, and often times unbelievably stupid, OFCs to Middle Earth?
While I'll never know the answer, I decided that it was high time someone took it to another level. Let's say our eager teenager, Melody, finds her way to Middle Earth. Let's even say she's taken it upon herself to volunteer for an obviously fatal quest. BUT, add a very flustered grandmother named Edith, and a sarcastic (but vocally challenged) feline named Buffy, and hopefully this will make for a fun and entertaining read.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or locations that were created by Tolkien. I only own Edith, Melody, Buffy, and Iffany (yes I'm aware that there's no "T"). I will be referring to the books since I neither have the time or the energy to sit in front of my TV and take notes from a DVD set.
Part I, Chapter 1: The Strange Device
Edith Millersmith did not like "gansta rap". Ask her about it, and she wouldn't pretend to be able to stomach the music. So what was a 70-year-old woman doing sweeping her porch, while humming along to In Da Club? Two things, actually. First, she was purposely upsetting her nosy neighbor of 20 years, Nadine Rutherfurd. She was also trying to memorize the lyrics. That way, she would have something to discuss with her 15-year-old granddaughter, Melody.
Since Melody's arrival at her home a few days ago, they've had very little to say to one another, aside from an occasional "Good Morning" and "Please pass the milk."
It was driving Edith insane, and if she had to listen to a few outrageously offensive songs to get the ball rolling, then it was something she was willing to do. Buffy, Melody's lazy tabby cat, was lying on the windowsill, looking rather bored.
Nadine, who had also out sweeping her porch, became especially indignant when Edith began to wiggle to the beat.
Not able to stand anymore, Nadine threw down her broom and marched into her house as Edith shouted "Get with it, you old windbag!" after her.
Having accomplished at least one of her goals, Edith put away the broom triumphantly and them reached over and scratched Buffy's head. "We showed that busybody, didn't we?"
Buffy yawned indifferently. 'Fo sheezy, old geezy…'
Edith picked up Buffy and brought her into the house. "Let's get you something to eat."
While holding the cat under her arm (a recent incident kept her from laying the feline across her shoulder), Edith reached into the cabinet, wondering what her granddaughter was up to and why she wasn't the one doing this.
- - - - -
"…I know," Melody sighed into the phone, "He is soooo dreamy!" Her best friend, Iffany squealed on the other end, "Yeah," she said, "Can you believe that Amber? How could she possibly say that Eric Bana is cuter?"
"Yeah right," Melody said rolling her eyes. "Besides, Orlando had a much more important role. I mean, Eric's character died. Orli lived and got the girl. Case closed, already!"
"Anyway," Iffany giggled. "What were you calling me about?"
"Hmm, I forgot." Melody admitted. After a brief pause, the thought returned and Melody declared, "Oh, I remember! Listen up; I got something really cool off the Internet. I mean something that I got of eBay. At least I think it was eBay."
"Really? What?"
"It's this cool device…thingy. I don't know what it does, but for $19.00 off my credit card, it had better do something cool."
"Melody, tell me you did not waste money on something stupid…"
"No way! The site had testimonials and everything from girls just like me. It's got to be authentic if other people have tried it, right?"
There was a pause on the other line.
"Iffany?"
"I don't know, Melody. I mean, my folks won't even let me buy stuff online. This sounds kind of strange, too."
"Well, don't worry. I actually got something in the mail, and it looks-" Melody held the object out in front of her. "Well, it looks weird enough to actually work."
"I just hope you get your money's worth. Twenty bucks is still a lot of money to spend for a piece of junk. Um, what does it do again?"
"I don't know," Melody sighed impatiently. Iffany could a bit stupid sometimes. "Look, I'll call you back when I find out."
"Good, because I want to be able say 'I told you so'"
"Yeah, bye."
As Melody hung up, she studied the strange item more carefully. It was circular, with tight, straight metal wires. The wires weaved together, forming a kind of spider web. At the center of this web was an almost flat metal disc with an inscription that she couldn't understand.
Despite the fact that it was silver in color, she wasn't very impressed by the appearance. Melody ran a finger gently over the odd words. A strange ripple of color passed from right to left through the object at her touch.
"Cool," she breathed. Melody reached into the wooden box that the item had been enclosed in and pulled out a small sheet of paper. There was a note:
Far and away, the heart desires
Among glittering hills and empires;
But careful hearts are wise,
To things deeper than seen by the eyes
Whosoever becomes the keeper,
Must remember to look deeper,
Else the way back is barred,
And the heart forever scarred
Melody mused for a half a second before saying, "Whatever!" She skipped down to "opening a doorway to desired Fantasy":
To heart, to mind, hold this treasure.
Then say aloud, "Take me to the place I desire to go most."
Say it until it works…you'll know when you've done it right.
Remember the moral of the poem and you'll be fine.
"Let me get this straight," Melody said with a laugh, "I hold this hunk of metal to my head and my chest and declare 'take me to the place I desire to go most'? What a rip off!"
Well, she had paid for it, a whole twenty dollars. It was worth a shot….
- - - - -
"Had your fill, have you?" Edith said while leaning down to stroke Buffy. Buffy purred pleasantly in response.
"I'll just see what Melody is up to. It's almost lunchtime and I'll bet she's hungry." Edith leaned out into the hallway and glanced up the stairs. She had heard giggling just moments before and now there was nothing.
'Maybe she's taking a small nap.' Edith headed over to the stairs and leaned on the rail.
"Melody? Melody, are you awake?"
There was no answer.
Edith made her way up the wooden steps, Buffy right behind her. She'd just wake her up. It was too early to be taking naps.
As Edith reached the end of the flight of stairs and the hallway came into view, she began to hear a low faint humming noise. It was coming from Melody's room.
Buffy passed the old woman impatiently and moved noiselessly down the hall. When the cat reached the girl's room, it scratched at the door and meowed loudly. Still no response.
"Open the door, Melody. Can't you hear this crazy cat? " There was a dull, aching dread building inside of Edith. Something was very wrong.
She hesitated, and then reached for the doorknob. She was surprised to find that it wasn't locked.
Edith turned the knob gently and opened the door.
- - - - -
Author's Endnote: I guess you can call it a "cliff hanger". I prefer to think of it as an interruption in events that results in a desire to see this story continued. A few notes for anyone who is interested or wondering:
- I'm aware that Melody is an idiot and will probably become a "Mary Sue". That's the whole point. Just know she's not a character you are expected to take seriously. I certainly don't.
- The true origin of the device that Melody bought wasn't "eBay". That's all I can say on the subject for now.
- I'm still debating as to whether or not Edith will be a Granny Sue. A Granny Sue could be funny, but there are far too many Mary Sues as it is. I'm undecided at the moment.
- The cat doesn't actually talk; the italics used for when she "speaks" mean that she's saying mean things within her mind. Buffy isn't a very nice cat .
Thanks for reading! If you have any comments, questions or criticisms, be sure to review.
+ CMCB