4 Acceptance
Lex watched the world around him – all striking colours that jumped out at him, burning into his irises so that when he happened to close his eyes the image would still be just as stark and real in front of him. That was before it faded into an image of Her face – soft hazel eyes that smiled all on its own, an equally tender mouth that lifted at the sides as She looked at him; watched him with amusement and love.
The delicately spun web snapped in several places and the spider moved swiftly to tend to the damage.
He opened his eyes again, the renewed pain of his Loss weighing upon the grey depths; causing his eyelids to sag noticeably. No one said a thing – for fear of his wrath – kept going on with work, feeling the gravity of his presence more than usual as he passed by them. It wasn't that he didn't portray a steady and sure businessman – he never faltered in that.
But for the past week, there was a darker aura about him – the way he never smirked anymore and the quick strides that told he was avoiding anyone and everyone. It was evident in the way he would shut himself in his office the whole day, speaking to people only through the intercom or through his phone. Yes his demeanour was different and heavier, but what was it that changed him to being so reclusive? This is what the employees wondered.
But they never asked.
So they never found out… they never found out that he hadn't slept for seven days. They never found out that he was burying himself in his work. They never found out that he was suffering quietly inside the growing void that was close to overtaking his entire being. They never found out about his Loss because he avoided it like the incurable disease that slowly ate away the soul until all that was left was an empty vessel.
They never found out that this incurable disease that consumed a person from the inside was already residing him, gnawing slowly but surely.
As he watched the world through tinted windows his insides churned. It was from starvation… not physical starvation – he'd had enough to eat since he had started boycotting sleep. This starvation ran deeper… as the worm in his mind ate away at him – feasting and he in turn did nothing to stop it. Anything but having to face that journal again… her journal…
And yet to fight it only meant heightening the awareness of its presence; everywhere he went he was haunted by her image and the sunflower laid out on a hard black that looked ready to consume it wholly. And with it came the remembrance of the dream he sought to forget; with the mountain of decayed corpses, the rain of blood and his love being consumed by death.
His hand twitched at his side and a voice whispered across his mind telling him of amber liquid solace. Drown in it, the voice coaxed. He could almost see the beckoning hands in the darkness of his rambling thoughts; see the clear glass container with his Solace.
But that wasn't the one he wanted. He wanted what he'd lost when she went away… he even left at her passing… mostly to his insistence. His failure to protect one of those he loved made him believe he was incapable of protecting anyone… which is why he sent the small package of safe Solace he had left in the world far, far away from him… because everything he cared about was destroyed; a curse passed on to each Luthor generation. Oh he ached to see the boy again – hold him close to fend off the unbearable hurting; to ease the weight from his shoulders… but he could not… would not risk it.
And so he stood there in his office before the tinted windows, overlooking the bustling city that burned his eyes, while his hand twitched for the easy Solace that he refused himself to have. Thoughts marched through his head with loud precise steps – one, two, one, two – thoughts of her, him, and the black journal with a bright yellow flower on the front.
The spider scuttled about desperately trying to revive its web – its tight hold around his heart… but the strings snapped as the heart swelled beyond the web's abilities. The spider's work broke, releasing its firm grip of the heart and falling in a soft whisper into the dark abyss.
Lex moved towards the intercom in an uncontrolled movement. "Cancel my meetings for the next few days." He left no explanation after that, ignoring the string of protests that followed his wake as he grabbed his jacket and stalked out of the office towards the elevator. He threw a thoroughly icy look at his secretary who had opened her mouth to continue her objection to his sudden cancellation, swiftly muting her as she fearfully watched him storm away.
Once outside of the building, he got in his readied car and shot it down the road
(towards open wounds; wounds that had been scabbed over but the tops were ripped off revealing the unhealed tissue inside)
towards the penthouse. He was a Luthor for fuck's sake… and Luthors confronted anything and everything head on… even when it tore their soul out in the process…
Kenshin stared at the shoji across from him, purple eyes blank and red-rimmed. His body was weak from not eating much at all the past half a year. Had it really been that long? The thought struck him as odd. It felt more like seven lifetimes at least. Somewhere along the way, Sano had taken him by the lapels of his shirt dragged him upwards until his feet barely touched the floor and shouted aimlessly at him. He caught nothing of what the spiky-haired man had said, too consumed in his thoughts – thoughts of Kaoru, her smile, her life and her untimely death.
My fault… all my fault… I should never have met her; gotten close to her… that way she would still be alive and safe from people like Shishio and Enishi and the rest of my enemies…
His chin settled upon his chest and he gripped his sakabatou harder with his hands. He dared not close his eyes for too long for fear of picturing the wondrous woman he had come to care so much about… if only she had known before she died… if only she had known how much he cared about her… how he had come to…
But he couldn't… she was long gone; into the afterlife where her father and mother were… Oh if only he could have died along with her… if only…
Kenshin barely heard the muffled thump of sock-covered feet, but saw the shoji slide open. He didn't bother to look up at the face. They came and went – spoke when they wanted to, but he rarely really listened; he who was too consumed by his grief; his never ending grief and guilt and pain…
A feminine hand slid a roll of paper towards him on the floor before taking two paperweights and spreading it completely open; placing the heavy weight on either side of the delicate piece. Bowing the woman stood and left, sliding the shoji shut behind her. His eyes blurred from rarely sleeping took time to adjust on the slip of paper on the ground, but when it focused, he felt his insides twist agonizingly. It was Kaoru's style of writing… his grip upon his sakabatou loosened and he leaned forward, falling heavily onto his free outstretched arms. The sword clattered loudly to the ground but his ears were filled with a strange buzz. His upper limbs buckled slightly under the weight of his body, but they stayed locked so that he could read the message scripted upon the paper.
This is my late, but last goodbye. I was given just so much time to make this for you… I'm sorry to leave you and everyone else. Aoshi-san, Yahiko-chan, I love you both, my dear brothers; I will love you forever. Oka-san and Oto-san will always look down from the heavens… I, too, will look out for you.
Ken-san… I'm sorry we had so little time together… I – I care about you very, very much… sometimes it hurts… but it's a good hurting.
I beg you to please keep living… for me, for the ones you love or care for… for what you stand for because… dying isn't the challenge of life, Ken-san… trying to live is… and you never just back down from a challenge unless there is no other choice… and you have a choice now…
I miss you so much… I will see you.
In your hearts for all time,
Shinomori Kaoru.
All Kenshin could do was drown in her words at that moment… but something niggled in the back of his mind silently… but he didn't notice it for the cry of his sorrow was louder than the cry of his logical one…
(Alexander Luthor)
It sits there innocent as a newborn child – heavy with responsibility and deep-rooted sentiment that only the one that helped create it can feel. My hand twitches again. The voice in my head whispers coaxingly in my mind's ear. Drown in it. Amber liquid that burns my throat then spreads its warmth throughout my body once downed. But I can't. I must honour every promise that I made for her – anything to compensate for the broken one.
My eyes are trained upon it – still where I left it a week before – as I walk unsteadily towards it. My feet feel heavy but I force them to move. Luthors face their problems head on, I remind myself as I grit my teeth. Once I am just a step away from it I bend over slowly, swaying slightly then grab it before pushing myself up and seating myself on the softness of the mattress. The lamp I had turned on is dim but sufficient for me to see this torturous treasure in my hand.
So many thoughts and images engulf me that it is difficult to push them away and lock them in the basement of the back of my mind. It takes several long breaths to accomplish this but soon they are gone from overcrowding me and all I am left with is the lone drop of blue liquid inside my head. I can never get rid of it no matter how hard I try to prevent it; it is there – that sign of my sorrow – our sorrow; Remy's and mine… at our Loss.
I call upon the spider to bury my heart in its web and then open the Sunflower Journal to a random (precious) page.
C. S.-L.
November 21
Still feeling my heart pound inside my ribcage. I can't believe that I never experienced such a thing before. But I'm glad I didn't… glad that I saved myself for someone so beautiful inside and out to show me such wonders. Lex was shocked when I told him I'd never done it before, but once he got over that initial reaction… ah, heaven! It was utter heaven... now I know why so many women want him. Forget the money…
The whole night was reserved for exploration… and pleasure… oh, yes, endless pleasure! If only words could describe what it felt like; the stars that flitted in my eyes as he laid kisses all over me; the explosions inside as his fingers slid inside me… and then there's that lovely… erection… of his… I don't think anyone will fill me as completely as he has… and I don't think I'll allow myself to try anyone else. I know I have the best. And I'm not going to let go of it. No, I'm not… not ever.
Lex is out of the bathroom now I better end this before he notices that I'm writing about –
Lex knew what happened when the journal entry was cut off. He had seen her seated at his desk, writing furiously on the paper with a blush upon her cheeks with the blanket covering her front but leaving her back and part of her rear shamelessly displayed. He had swept her up into his arms, cutting off her protests with an almost desperate open-mouthed kiss, which they both drowned in. He had promptly stumbled towards the bed where they made love frantically. Something had snapped inside him when he had seen her – a strange thought that made him panic – that made him reckless; that made him lose so much control. He proceeded to show her the raw passion that only she could unleash inside him; this wild beast that had finally been released and roared its satisfaction as he climaxed with her in a final deep-penetrating thrust.
Inside, a stream of blue liquid fell in a growing puddle and in the distance the sound of a pounding against the basement door echoed.
Remy – who stared at the cherry tree with his solemn blue eyes; who resided in a land surrounded by a crystalline blue sea; who lived in a world filled with the Loss – was banging on the barrier with his mind's fist, reaching desperately for the doorknob that was too high up and the hands that would in turn clasp is own.
to be continued...
Vocabulary:
shoji - Japanese sliding door
sakabatou - reverse-edged sword