Disclaimer: If I need to explain to you that I'm not the author of the Harry Potter series, you probably shouldn't be reading Harry Potter fanfiction parodies.
Miss Sue
The Rescue
Everyone had reassembled back on the pitch within two hours. Not merely the smattering of people there before, but every single student in the school. While some undoubtedly came because they wanted to watch some sues get the boot, the main reason was because of the rather painful and degrading death of Severus Snape and were hoping the Sues could dispatch a few of the other professors (several third years were glancing every few minutes at Trelawney.)
McGonagall quickly silenced the crowd and said, "Unfortunately, we'll have to say good bye to a few of our... guests." 'Unfortunately' didn't seem to be the right word, considering the look on McGonagall's face wasn't disappointment but utter joy at the prospect of kicking out a few of the girls.
The girls lined up, each with an unexpected look on their faces. Most were completely bored, not even harboring the thought that it might be possible for them to be less than the most important person in the universe. Obsidian and Ebony, on the other hand, were clearly expecting the worse and had their bags packed with them. Whitewind finished the odd collection, openly crying, possibly because of Ron's utter lack of pining over her, or possibly over the fact that she realized that she was mainly a comedic one-time name gag that nobody cared about.
McGonagall quickly seized on the girl's grief, and merely nodded pointedly at her. Dejected, Whitewind died. McGonagall wasn't surprised - how often did a Sue simply retreat into unimportant obscurity? "Alright... the next girl that needs to leave: Somntoe Anaya Namagirm."
Somntoe, however, was not going to take this as easily. "You Ignorant Fools!" she said, suddenly reforming into the frame of a powerful demoness. "You have unleashed my true power! I will return and show you what suffering and evil is!" Somntoe stormed out of the pitch, her hooves pounding heavily along the grass. As her form passed throught the castle gates, and dark chilling breeze seemed to follow her, extinguishing a few of the torches along the walkways."
"Here, let me help," Peach said in her cutesy love-me-everybody-please voice, her blond hair bobbing innocently. She blinked at the torches were once again lit. "There we go! Alllllll better!"
McGonagall smiled fluffily. "Two hundred more points for Gryffindor. Thank you Peach... I mean, thank you Miss Sunshine. Now, the next person to go is: Obsidian Von Blackhart."
The pain and suffering was palpable in Obsidian's eyes, now welling a bit with fresh tears detailing just how much of her soul she had poured int...
"Hey!" McGonagall said, interrupting the volumous description. "Could you go outside and feel sorry for yourself? We've got a contest to do here."
Obsidian nodded. It was as if a layer had been peeled from her eyes that she knew th...
"Now!"
Obsidian let out a final protesting whimper before running off the field.
"The final contestant I get t... I mean, I have to let go is: Temperance Kay Mathesius"
"WHAT!" Temperance squealed indignantly.
"You've been cut," McGonagall said with a bit of relish.
"But... but... but I'm the bronzed goddess with blond hair! Look at these pasty-white anime-reject poppinfreshes! I'm a deity compared to them!"
"Sorry," McGonagall said, obviously enjoying this. "But absolutely nobody even said a word about you - nobody noticed or cared that you were even here."
"What!" Temperance squealed again, quite obviously not believing what she was hearing. "But... but I flew perfectly! And look at my gorgeous flawless body. Look!" Miss Mathesius wasn't exactly wearing modest clothes before, but in a last ditch effort to gain the attention she craved she stripped down even further and ran around the field flapping her arms. "Notice me! Loooooovvveee me!"
It, however, was too late. With a comic squawk that sounded like it came from a disgruntled chicken, Temperance spontaneously combusted, sending shreds of what was quite possibly the most indecent quidditch robe ever flying all over the place.
McGonagall sighed. "I love my job." However, her mood quickly soured when she realized she still had six Mary-Sues in front of her. "Ok, the next competition is: The Rescue. We will be putting you into pairs and adding a non ship-worthy canon character with you. You'll then have a conflict to overcome worthy of your abilities."
McGonagall didn't bother to stop and ask if anyone had questions, because when was the last time even the most crude Mary-Sue had to ask a professor to repeat something? She continued on, "So, the first trio is Liola Strapford Periwinkle III, Hermione Granger, and Hannah Abbot - who will have to stop the world from blowing up in a cataclysmic explosion. Second trio is Peach Sunshine, Ebony Lightning, and Terry Boot, who will have to stop the world from blowing up in a cataclysmic explosion. And the last trio is Tilly Nordstrom, Miasha Iuzami, and Pansy Parkinson - who will have to stop a burglar from stealing an old lady's purse."
"Ok," Ron said, taking over, "Let's see how my alluring love-kitten Hermione, the Potter-obsessed Ugly-Blue, and Hannah do!"
"Liola," Hermione said, her eyes lighting up at having figured out somehow instantaneously what the problem was. "I read somewhere in the library that we're seeing the signs of the Hilliam Earth-Soul-Sucking spell." She didn't mention, of course, that it was obvious a book containing such potent information would be available for any student in the castle library to read.
"My thoughts exactly," Liola said, drawing her wand. "And the only way we'll be able to do this is if we reawaken the soldier-mages of the ancient druidic kingdom of Piochet."
"I can reincarnate them," Hermione offered, not particularly caring that this was sounding less and less like a Harry Potter story by the minute and more like something out of a Final Fantasy plot.
"And I can stabalize their energies within a spell I devised when I was five to reform them in their original bodies!"
"The Tiamonde spell?"
"Yes! How did you know!"
"It devised it too."
"Then you'll be able to use the supplementary to the spell to reinforce the undertones of my power center's core matrix." This didn't make any sense to Hannah – or for that matter, McGonagall – but Liola and Hermione were past such considerations.
"Ready?"
"Ready!"
Hermione and Liola then worked together to bring the dead back to life, which considering their talents was a relatively simple affair. They were suddenly surrounded by a host of mythical soldiers holding a staff in one hand and a sword in the other. By now, almost everyone in the stadium was dozing; they could each describe to a pin drop exactly what would happen. The summoned legion would, under the captainship of the two Sues, fulfill an ancient prophecy of old and defeat a really really bad wizard that none of them had ever heard of before with a magic artifact that had never been mentioned to date in a manner that had absolutely no common element with the Harry Potter universe. And of course, in the process, save the world from a catacylsmic explosion.
Hannah, meanwhile, was meekly standing in the corner, with a 'Yes, I mattered to this somehow' look in her eyes.
"Alright," Ron said sleepily, finally waking up. "That was... nice. Next group?"
Terry knew now that he wasn't going to make the same mistake that Hannah did. He actually acted first out of the sues, and conjured up a comfortable lawn chair. "Could one of you get me a drink?" he asked, lying back on the chair.
"Of course," Peach said chipperly, and conjured him up a nice frosty strawberry-coconut smoothie. She smiled at the boy, but it was for nothing; Terry already had his eyes closed and was just kicking back to await either his salvation or the end of the world.
"So... do you like puppies?" Peach asked in a bubbling voice to Ebony.
"Shouldn't we be worried about the doom that is about to fall upon us all?" Ebony asked darkly, eyes dark with darkness.
"Just being friendly - so, do you like puppies? I love them, they're so cute and cuddly..."
"A puppy ate off my left hand when I was two. It had to be magically recreated - a very painful and grueling affair. I was then beat by my mother and father for costing them money to have the operation."
"How about little bunny rabbits?"
"A hare killed my uncle in front of my eyes when I was three. My grandmother now beats me whenever she sees one, and she lives in Nevada."
Peach wasn't going to be deterred. "Baby kitties?"
"I had a baby kitten once, but my father cooked it for dinner one day and made me eat it. Nothing tastes worse than kitty fur and the tears of an innocent four year old facing a cruel world. He beat me afterwards, too."
"Beautiful Rainbows?"
"My grandfather died in a horrible rainstorm, and I found his body just as one of those horrible things was forming over the horizon. It's always represented to me the horror and inevitability of death. But, boy, did I recieve a beating that day from my extended family."
"Cuddly Teddy Bears?"
Ebony had to think awhile. Try as she might, she couldn't come up with something traumatic and horrible that had ever been associated with a Teddy Bear. "They're not bad," she finally said.
"I love them too!" Peach said, excitedly hugging her new girl-pal.
"So, shouldn't we be worried about the doom that is about to fall upon us all?" Ebony repeated.
"Why don't the two of you use some arcane ritual," Terry suggested lightly with his eyes still closed, "To bridge the unbearable darkness and radiant brightness of your two souls to unleash a powerful surge of energy from the diachotomy of your two magicks?"
"That just might work..." they both said.
Terry suddenly heard a voracious wind, and then something that sounded like a toilet flushing. He opened his eyes, and they were both nodding to each other as if they'd done something dramatic and important.
"What?" Terry asked, confused.
"It worked," they both replied.
"What worked?"
"Your idea!"
"Wait... that was... I was just saying that as a joke! It was the most idiotic thing I could think of to say - you were supposed to laugh and come up with something believable!"
"Oh..." Ebony said despairingly, her eyes returning to their pity-me expression.
"Well, it still worked!" Peach bubbled, bouncing on the balls of her feet.
"See, now it feels like there's something missing," Terry said, laying back once again.
"Yeah, silly," Peach said, rolling her eyes. "The love interest!"
"Wha.. no, wait!"
Peach then jumped him. He wasn't ship-worthy, but he'd have to do for now. It'd been nearly 5 hours since she snogged someone, and it simply wasn't her style to not be in a romantic relationship for more than a few minutes (namely, the time it took to introduce her on page one until a main character noticed how amazing she was on page two.)
McGonagall looked at the scene in distaste and realized she'd made a smart move stowing Draco and Harry away; they never would've made it ten minutes with all of these girls here.
"Ron," Luna said suddenly, "I figured out what Somntoe's name was - it's an anagram like Tom Riddle."
"Oh?" Ron asked.
"Yes. 'My Name Is An Anagram Too'," Luna replied.
"Your name is an anagram too?" Ron asked confused.
"No," Luna said, "Her name is an anagram: My name is an anagram too."
"But you said your name is an anagram too!"
"I did not," Luna replied. "I said that My name is an anagram too, not Your name is an anagram too!"
"Well, of course mine isn't! So then what's your name an anagram of?"
"Mister Weasley," McGonagall groaned, "This is not a parody of Abbot and Costello, so would you please keep this moving?"
"Honestly," Luna said under her breath, "What does canon-sue even see in you?"
"Alright, and the last trio," Ron called out, and then sniggered a bit. "Stopping, stopping a purse snatch."
"You realize," Tilly said mutinously, "That this is all your fault?"
"My fault?" Miasha asked plainly. "What's my fault?"
"This challenge. I could stop a burgler with both hands tied behind my back and blindfolded. Obviously adding you to the mix detracted so much that we ended up with this."
"I've stopped many thieves," Miasha replied. "I doubt you know what you're talking about."
"I don't know what I'm talking about?" Tilly asked, incredulously. "Look at you! You look like something out of Mulan!"
"Very astute," Miasha replied evenly. "I'm Asian. Anything else blindingly obvious that you'd like to impart upon us?"
"You wretch! I've got just the prank for you!" Tilly replied, and went for her wand.
She didn't get very far; Miasha swept the legs from out under her, flipped her onto her stomach, and physically pinned her down to the ground, her tennis shoe pressed up tightly against the back of Tilly's neck. This was obviously not Tilly's day - so far in every previous story she'd been in, she got the last word and nobody really fought back. Really, it wasn't fair for her style to get crimped like this!
Meanwhile, a nice old grandmother walked by them and had her purse stolen by a mask wearing burglar.
"Stupefy!" Pansy said, stunning the man and returning the purse. She looked back at the sues and found them rolling on the ground pulling each others hair. "Thank you!" she said gratefully. "You realize this is the first time I've ever got to do something productive!" It was indeed an odd turn of fate that Pansy of all people was the savior of the day.
McGonagall was smiling; whether that was due to a non-Draco Slytherin actually doing something important or the sight of two sues going at it in a catfight was up for grabs.
"Excellent!" she said. "Alright, we're going to adjourn for two more hours for dinner. We will not be meeting back here, though, and instead be in the Great Hall."
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Wow… let me just say, I was unprepared for the reaction I got! I just started writing a story and only got 3 reviews within a week for 2 chapters, so I was figuring I'd have to wait a bit to get enough votes to continue. Instead, 9 people reviewed within a few days!
Anyway, same thing holds. If you're reading this before chapter 3 comes out, Review and let me know who should stay on. If you're reading this after chapter 3 comes out, Review and predict who's staying on.