Miss Sue
Disclaimer: If I need to explain to you that I'm not the author of the Harry Potter series, you probably shouldn't be reading Harry Potter fanfiction parodies.
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McGonagall was worried that the Sues would make the dinner pure torture, through a combination of hysterical prissy-queen drama and flirting with every male that sat within 10 feet of them. However, nothing of the sort happened, for the simple reason that the Sues didn't show up for dinner.
"Hermione, are you in there?" Peach called sweetly through the door to the Head Girl's quarters. "It's Peach, and Miasha and Liola are here, too. Want to go roaming with us?"
There was no vocal answer, but a few sounds coming from the room suggested that if the author were to switch the Point Of View to Ron's perspective the story's rating might suddenly become NC-17.
"Oh, well, ok," Peach said in her bubbling, voice. The three then tracked down the room that Tilly had co-opted. "Tilly, are you in there?"
"Yeah, just a sec," Tilly called back. A few seconds later, the door opened, and Tilly was rolling up a map that looked like something out of a World War II parody - a crude map of Europe with big red X's at various points. "So, what are we doing?"
"We're going guy-hunting!" Liola said, smiling.
"Sweet!" Tilly replied, and bounded over to join them. Ebony was a harder sell - they caught her in the middle of a gratuitous flashback scene.
Unfortunately, while the school might have survived a quintet of Mary-Sues roaming the hallways for a few hours, something happened that just made everything easily 473 times worse.
"Is that... sugar?" Peach asked, pointing to a seven foot high mound of white granules.
"It is!" Liola squealed. The five sues simultaneously ran to the pile and began shoveling the substance into their mouth as their two hands could manage. Well, more accurately, the more dignified Sues did; Peach and Liola skipped the whole 'hands' part altogether. They, of course, washed down the impromptu sucrose dinner with a large bucket of highly caffeinated soda.
Five minutes later, there were five hyperactive and twitchy Sues running through Hogwarts, their feet pattering rapidly and their shrieking laughter echoing off the walls. Their rampage winded around the East Wing leaving a trail of destruction until they happened to come across a wall banner that happened to look a bit like the veil within the Department of Mysteries. The sues stopped, not quite knowing why - after all, they hardly had a thorough grip of the events of canon - but something about it tickled their brains. Finally, horribly, Tilly's author happened to recall something from when she skimmed parts of Book 5.
"SIRIUS!" she shrieked in all caps. Tilly reached behind the veil look-alike and somehow, impossibly, pulled out Harry's middle-aged godfather. "OH SIRIUS!" she shrieked and threw her arms around him.
"Er... thanks," Sirius said, suddenly finding himself back among the living with a young vivacious girl hugging him. He was about to ask where Dumbledore was when he found his lips smothered by Tilly's mouth.
"Aww..." the other four Sues cooed, somehow finding the sight of a hyperactive-to-the-point-of-insanity teenager putting the moves on a recently resurrected Sirius to be quite a romantic scene, nevermind that Sirius' arms were flailing a bit to try to find some way of disengaging from her. "It's sooooooooo romantic!"
"Let's go find REMUS!1!" Peach giggled in a tone deserving both capitalization and excessive punctuation.
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"Mr. Malfoy?" McGonagall said over an hour later, standing up from her chair. "Are you alright?"
Lucius limped through the Great Hall to the staff table, his robes completely torn as if someone had attempted to put them through a paper shredder. He was bruised at several places, bleeding in a few others, and held a look in his eyes of horrified shock. "No, Madame, I am not..."
"What happened?" she asked.
Lucius sat down at the table. "I came because my locating charm on my son has not been working for several hours..."
"...ah," McGonagall interrupted. "That was for his own protection from the Sues that would undoubtedly... ahhh..."
"Yes," Lucius spat. "I had no such protection myself, and was ambushed by four of them. The fact that I'm almost three times their age meant very little to them."
"Yes, well, you knew full well that fan-girls have a special place in their hearts for bad-boys wearing capes," McGonagall remonstrated. "So what happened?"
Lucius shivered, but didn't answer, giving the definite impression that the POV shift to Ron might not be the only one that would've generated an NC-17 rating.
"I see..." McGonagall said, a smirk on her face.
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A half hour later, nearly everyone gathered in the Great Hall once again and the Sues were thankfully over their sugar-high. It wasn't complete attendance because Harry and Draco were still missing, there was no way Lucius was ever coming back to Hogwarts again, and Snape had been finished off by a broomstick through the torso.
"Alright," McGonagall said gleefully. "It's time to get rid of two more Sues!"
"She's not even really trying to hide it anymore, is she?" Luna asked Ron. Ron didn't answer, and had a bit of a odd dreamy look in his eyes. "Oh dear," Luna said. "Looks like there was a Rhiodana Wasp loose in Ron's room."
McGonagall rolled her eyes at Luna, and said, "The first Sue to go is: Liola Strapform Periwinkle the Third."
Everyone's eyes turned to Liola, clearly expecting her to echo the earlier behavior of the bronzed goddess named Temperance. Instead, she simply kept on smiling on as usual, as if the news wasn't all that bad.
McGonagall was clearly disappointed; she obviously wanted to see another Sue explode. "I said you're gone. You're kicked out. We don't want you here."
"Ehn," Liola shrugged. "Not a big deal. My author was thinking of moving me into a Buffy fanfic anyway, or possibly a Smurfs-Highlander crossover."
McGonagall shook her head as Liola left, probably on her way to seduce either some poor vampire or a skirt-wearing Scotsman. "Alright, and the other Sue we're getting rid of is... Tilly Nordstrom."
"NNNOOOOOO!" Tilly shouted. This definitely brought a smile to McGonagall's face. "This," Tilly shrieked, "is Not how things are supposed to go! I haven't even got to play a prank yet!"
"Fine, fine," McGonagall said. "Obviously Fred and George weren't good enough for our universe. Let's see what you've got."
Tilly narrowed her eyes, waved her wand, and finished the incantation to the most brilliant, most powerful, and most utterly amazing prank she had ever attempted.
France exploded.
"There!" she said triumphantly. Apparently the suffering and deaths of 60 million people were a reasonable price to pay for Tilly's exit scene.
"Yes, yes, now go," McGonagall waved off. "We have to get to our next contest. Which, unfortunately, is the talent contest."
This brought a feeling of anxiety from most of the people. Up until now, the Sues had been relatively reigned in: Flying on a broomstick and solving a problem that was given to them. Now, though, there was the uncomfortable feeling that the contestants would be able to do whatever it was they wanted.
"First up," Luna said, "Is Ebony Lightning, who will..."
Ebony walked up to the front of the hall, and realized she was pretty much doomed. After all, there were only two defining aspects to her: suffering all by her lonesome and surviving until she could die in some tragic sacrifice. She looked deep down and realized there was nothing there - no depth, no abilities, no actual personality. And now that she thought about it, had she ever even done anything on her free time but whine and complain?
Of course, none of that helped her out now, so she thought quickly. "Er... I will be doing, um, poetry. Yeah, poetry!"
"Ok," Ron said, clearly not enjoying Ebony's subject. "Ebony Lightning will be demonstrating her poetry for us. Exciting."
Ebony started speaking, improvising poetry as best she could.
"The stygian overcast clouds of my dismal soul
Roll forth, occluding faith and shadowing peace
Dark ghosts and phantoms dim dusk's last glow
Leaving but a hollow smile upon my wicked lips
O, cheerless void of rayless depths
Bind my body and spirit no more."
At first this sounded almost impressive, until everyone realized that half the words were derivatives or synonyms of the words 'dark' and 'soul'.
"That was interesting," Luna said in an even voice.
"Er, Luna, do you have two belly-buttons?" Ron asked out of nowhere.
Luna was obviously surprised by the randomness of the question. "No," she replied.
"Hmm," Ron said, and crossed off a bit of writing on his parchment which read 'DUO NAVEL LOGO'.
"The next contestant is Peach Sunshine," Luna announced as Ron began scribbling on his parchment.
Peach smiled sweetly to everyone, and opened the doors to the Great Hall. A multitude of animals then came through the entry frame. There were two dozen birds in a mixture of red cardinals, yellow canaries, green parrots, blue bluebirds, black and orange robins, and white doves. Following the birds, several dogs sauntered in. Finally, a pair of grizzly bears lumbered in, and they all assembled at the front of the Hall. It was quite an interesting sight, as if they'd practiced their formation: The bears were in the center, flanked on both sides by the dogs, with the birds forming colorful patterns as they circled and weaved in the air.
Peach bowed, and said with a warm voice, "In addition to being telekinetic, telepathic, a metamorph, precogniscient, a multi-animgaus, an elemental mage of Earth and Air, and the grand-niece of Thor, I am pretty good with beast-speak."
As if the formation of animals alone wasn't enough of a talent demonstration, Peach turned to the host of creatures, who fell silent. After a few seconds, the dogs started in.
'Bark bark bark Barrrrkkkkk...'
'Bark bark bark Barrrrkkkkkk...'
Quite a few people could recognize what was going on - made easier by the fact that the dogs barks were actually pitched musically.
'Bark bark bark barrkkk - Tweet tweet tweet tweeeeeeeet - Roar roar roar rooooaaaaaaar...'
'Bark bark bark barrkkk - Tweet tweet tweet tweeeeeeeet - Roar roar roar rooooaaaaaaar...'
McGonagall blinked. "Are tho... are those animals singing Beethoven's Fifth Symphony!" Indeed, the Great Hall was treated to a musical serenade from the animals, joined periodically by Peach for a few beautiful melodic solo lines. When the song came to an end, the Great Hall fell into a stunned silence, following by thunderous (though slightly awestruck) applause.
"Excellent!" McGonagall said, beaming as though Peach was her long lost daughter that had just saved the world. "One thousand points to Gryffindor!"
"Were your parents Vegetarians?" Ron asked Luna.
"What?" Luna replied, once again thrown by the apparently random question.
"Where your parents Vegetarians?" Ron repeated.
"No!" She noticed what Ron had written on his sheet of parchment: 'LOUD VEGAN LOO'.
"Ronald Weasley," McGonagall remonstrated. "For the last time, the joke is over and Miss Lovegood's name is not an anagram. Ten points from Gryffindor, and get on with the contest." Of course, this didn't particularly worry anyone, considering Gryffindor was still winning the house race in less than a single day with a score of 1390-0-0-0.
"The next contestant," Ron announced, "is Miasha Eye... yuu... er, the asian chick."
Miasha went to the front of the Great Hall and said in a soft voice, "I need a volunteer, please."
Luna pulled out the new edition of The Quibbler. The cover showed the supposed new 'Power Rune' uncovered beneath the ruins of Atlantis, which unfortunately looked very much like an arrow, which happened to be pointing directly at Ron Weasley.
Miasha smiled when she saw it and beckoned Ron up. Ron looked excited - he was having really good luck with the Sues for the most part - though a bit worried. After all, she had managed to kill of Snape, and who knew if she might actually kill off someone important this time around?
"I," Miasha said, "Am going to teach everyone here some simple moves to defend yourself in physical combat."
Before Ron got a chance to do anything, Miasha threw a nasty punch into his stomach, making the red-haired teen double over wheezing.
"YES!" the entire Slytherin table cheered.
It was soon clear that Miasha was hardly 'defending' herself, because Ron's aggression was confined to cowering and whimpering under a succession of blows, but frankly most people in the room were beyond caring. Even the Gryffindors would admit, Ron could get pretty blasted annoying sometimes. McGonagall, however, was shaking at her head, wondering whether Miasha's author had watched 'Miss Congeniality' one too many times.
Finally, after a comedic kick to the unmentionables, Miasha bowed to a cheering crowd while Ron writhed on the ground behind her. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your opinion about Ron) Peach bounded over and quickly healed him of any discomfort or pain.
"That was wonderful!" Luna said warmly. Ron glared at her darkly; after all the things she deadpanned and was unenthusiastic about so far in the contest, the thing that drew her from her shell was watching him get the stuffing beat and kicked out of him.
"Next up, Hermione Granger," Ron said in a voice that was still the slightest smidgen too high.
Hermione walked up to the front of the hall while carrying four sheaths. "I am going to demonstrate my consummate mastery of swordsmanship. Professeur Flitwick, could you please come up and assist me?"
"Wait, I'm confused... since when did fencing become a part of the wizarding world?" Ron asked Luna. "I mean, it's not like it was ever mentioned in the entire six years of canon."
"What about Godric Gryffindor's sword Harry used in the chamber of secrets?" Luna replied.
They both ignored the looks of pining that flashed over the Sues faces at the mention of The-Boy-Who-Lived. "Oh yeah," Ron said, rolling his eyes. "Because a wizard that lived thousands of years ago had a sword must mean that they're still used today. And for that matter, why do Flitwick and Hermione know how to fence? That's never been mentioned anywhere!"
"You're right," Luna said. "Usually it's Draco, Lucius, Snape, and Harry that do sword fighting, even if it's never been mentioned before in canon."
Hermione glared at them for blowing up a ten-foot hole in her proposed talent exhibit. After all, it wasn't as if being able to suddenly spawn sleek brown hair at a moment's notice was a good enough talent for this show! Hermione unsheathed the swords which turned out to be ancient Japanese katanas. She handed two to Flitwick and then adopted a defensive stance.
Due to a massive creativity block (rather common when Sues were involved, after all), the author then proceeded to copy and paste from the script of 'Revenge of the Sith'. A few Find-Replace's later, 'Yoda' became 'Flitwick', 'Darth Sidius' became 'Hermione', and 'Shrivelled evil face with glowing red eyes' became 'Angelic aura with perfect flowing brunette hair that bounced as she gracefully moved'. And aside from a few offhand mentions to 'the force', nobody would be the wiser.
"That was nice," Luna replied, picking up her Quibbler again.
McGonagall stood up and said, "Alright. Everyone please report back to your dormitories, and regather between the quidditch pitch and the Great Lake in two hours. Yes, this is past curfew, which will be suspended for this night only. Contestants, please stay here." She had a worried look on her face, and though nobody knew it, it was because she alone knew what was coming up next for the final contest...
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Wow - bit longer than I was expecting!
Anyway, this is the next to last chapter here. REVIEW, especially if the last chapter hasn't come out, because the next/final contest is going to be one heck of a time... ;-)
Same as before, if you're reading this after the last chapter has come out, review with what you think/hope/expect to happen ;-)