Miss Sue

Chapter 4: The Horrible Conclusion of it All

Disclaimer: If I need to explain to you that I'm not the author of the Harry Potter series, you probably shouldn't be reading Harry Potter fanfiction parodies.

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Once the hall was clear, McGonagall turned to the Sues, a look of utter disgust on her face. "I need all four of you to change clothes. To something formal as well as a bit... flirty." The last word, from McGonagall's mouth, almost sounded like a swear word; indeed, her face looked like she'd sucked on a lemon for a few minutes. The Sues, understandably, were ecstatic, and quickly rushed out to change.

Hermione returned first, her hair even more sleek than usual, but it wasn't what immediately drew the eye. She was wearing a midnight blue dress that clung to her body, showing off the changes to her form over the six years as well as the additional changes after the fanfic author got ahold of her. It certainly didn't hurt that the dress had a slit up one leg, which the author used to vent numerous adjectives about her thigh.

Miasha arrived next in a rather unique outfit, looking like a modification of the kimono-wrap. Generally said, Kimono-wraps were relatively modest, wrapping fabric over the tops of shoulders to crisscross over the upper chest. The silky black and silver flower-patterned kimono Miasha had wrapped herself in, however, was not anything of the sort. Instead of wrapping over the top of her shoulders, it was wrapped over her the very edge of her shoulder, dangerously close to sliding down along her arms. And, correspondingly, the material left uncovered quite a bit more of her chest than a more conventional wrapping.

Peach and Ebony arrived last within a few seconds of each other; both the similarities and the differences of their appearances were striking. The dresses both were wearing were almost identical in form and shape, designed to highlight their bodies. Their hair had the same straight sheen to it, and their skin was almost a dead-on match of light and fair.

However, the differences were equally apparent. The color of the dresses couldn't be more different; Ebony's was a shade of darker-than-black, while Peach's was purer-than-white. Ebony's hair was a shiny black while Peach's was a light blond. Peach had a small smile of comfort and confidence while Ebony had a somewhat serious expression on it. All in all, they looked each looked quite a bit like an archetype - Ebony of an evil seductress and Peach of an elven enchantress.

"Finally, the description is over," McGonagall muttered. She didn't particularly enjoy the fact that the four women's appearance had warranted several paragraphs, especially since the author never bothered to describe her own robes in any of the scenes so far. The headmistress lead the contestants out of the castle where they were greeted by a rather unique sight. Bleachers were slowly flying through the air, each holding a handful of students. But within a few seconds, they all shifted color, perfectly blending in with the night sky, making it almost impossible to see them, even if you knew they were there and were looking for them. Correspondingly, the white-noise of all the students talking was slowly muted to nothing as well. While McGonagall found the idea of hundreds of people watching you silently and invisibly a bit disturbing, the Sues didn't even bat an eyelash.

"Ok, let's get this over with quick," McGonagall said. "The first one to leave is... Hermione."

The change was remarkable. Hermione's skin, which had been a smooth and radiant vision, suddenly turned back to an ordinary variety - blemishes and imperfections included. Her hair, which frankly belonged in a shampoo commercial, turned back to its trademark tangled and bushy appearance. Her flawless sparkling smile suddenly bore teeth of a realistic off-white, even including faint leftover traces of her original buck-toothed appearance. Really, it was a sad thing that no commercial photographers were around, because within five seconds they could have 'Before' and 'After' photos for any range of hair, skin, or dental products.

Canon-sue had finally been vanquished.

"Professor," Hermione said in a slightly-annoying voice that was completely unlike the smooth melodic tenor the last few hours, "How am I going to get up into the stands?"

McGonagall smiled. "Welcome back, Miss Granger. I believe the bleacher Mr. Weasley is on hasn't taken off yet..."

Hermione stumbled over to a set of invisible stands, and found a hand taking hers to help guide her onto a seat. "Ron?" she asked.

"Yeah," Ron said, with a voice mixed between regret that she was no longer an alluring love kitten, and relief that she was back to the young woman he'd known for the last six years. At least she still had the dress, even if it didn't have quite as much to highlight.

"And, the other Sue no longer in the competition..."

"I knew it!" Ebony cried, and pulled out a rather ornate dagger. "A prophecy was made when I was born that I would have to sacrifice my life at this moment, for the good of the entire world."

"Er," McGonagall said, "But, you see..."

"I tried to ignore it, tried to deny my destiny. But part of me always knew... I know you won't understand now, but this is something I have to do."

With that, Ebony turned the dagger on herself and threw herself upon it. In a paragraph replete with details about her noble and selfless sacrifice, she drew her last gasp of air and fell to her death upon the grass.

McGonagall frowned, and ripped up the sheaf of parchment which read 'Finalists: Peach Sunshine and Ebony Lightning'. Ordinarily Ebony would get an elaborate funeral in which every single person in the known universe would attend to cry over her. Frankly, McGonagall didn't want to deal with the hassle of that (honestly, the logistics of Dumbledore's funeral was quite enough for her), so she cast a levicorpus spell on Miss Lightning and quickly magicked her onto the surface of the Great Lake. A quick transfiguration spell, and Ebony's body suddenly became solid silver - and as equally quick sank beneath the waves. Who knew - maybe the Merpeople would appreciate a brand new statue, even if it was of a human?

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"What do you suppose we're doing here, Potter?" Draco said through the fireplace.

Harry shrugged. "Death eater attack?"

"No, they're all on vacation," Draco replied.

"Uh-huh," Harry said, rolling his eyes.

"They are!" Draco protested, but saw that the Gryffindor clearly didn't believe him.

"Well, at least we got supper provided," Harry said, gesturing to his now-finished plate. And though he wouldn't say it, he was glad that McGonagall rigged the fireplaces in the two rooms that they were stowed away at to have a firecall portal. It's not as if he enjoyed talking to Draco, but it beat hour after hour of complete silence with nothing to do. "When do you suppose McGonagall will let us out?"

It was Draco's turn to shrug.

"Ok, you two," McGonagall's voice echoed through the chambers. "You can come out now."

A soft click came from the doors, indicating that they were no longer locked.

"Finally," Harry said. "Why did we have to hide away in here anyway?"

"The school has been host to some... guests that you might find a bit unpleasant, Mister Potter."

"Death eaters?" Harry asked, concerned.

"They are on vacation," Draco insisted once again.

McGonagall ignored them and said, "Come on, you have to be out at the grassy area between the pitch and the Great Lake in ten minutes."

Harry and Draco left their rooms; Draco had been in the Room of Requirement, while Harry had been stashed away, of course, in the Chamber of Secrets - the only two rooms in the castle McGonagall knew of that were immune to location spells. With a silent curiosity, they both made their way to the grounds that McGonagall had specified.

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"The fourth and final exhibit," McGonagall said in distaste, "Is the Fluff Contest. Miss Iuzami, Miss Sunshine, within a few moments Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy will be arriving. Miss Sunshine, you will be paired with Mr. Malfoy, while Miss Iuzami will be with Mr. Potter." McGonagall then stepped onto the last bleacher, also turning near-invisible, knowing that this was going to be one of the sickest sights she had ever witnessed. In fact, just the sight of the Sues barely managing to hold back their salivation at the prospect of unrestrained fluff with the two most shippable male students was sick enough already.

Harry and Draco arrived shortly and found, oddly enough, two very alluring women waiting for them.

"What's this?" Harry asked, an eyebrow raised. Draco didn't say anything, and merely narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"Draco," Peach said in her sweet voice, "I've been waiting for you! I was wondering if we could take a walk down by the lake..."

Iuzami took a cautious step forward to Harry and said with a small bow, "Harry, I don't suppose you'd join me stargazing?"

Harry and Draco shot a look at each other. While the women were definitely appealing, neither were stupid enough to just blindly say 'yes' to something as fishy as this. Further, Harry already had feelings for another girl, but had to call it off because he didn't want her to get hurt - so it's not as if he was open for any sort of new fling. And Draco had many many lessons from his father about the corrupting influence women could have if not properly watched, so he was one of the last people to jump hastily into any sort of relationship.

McGonagall grimmaced. There was one last bit she needed to do. She whispered an incantation under her breath, one which undid the magic surrounding the school that she had erected the previous evening. While it wasn't infallible, it protected the occupants to a large degree from the complete canon-destroying effects of Sue-dom. In other words, up until now, Ron Weasley was Ron Weasley, not what some fanfic author wanted him to be to fit the story line. Now, though, the Sue authors had free reign on just what Harry and Draco did. Truly, it was more insidious and evil than Imperius.

"Of course," Harry said gently, smiling at Miasha in an abrupt reversal.

"That sounds alright," Draco replied to Peach. With that, the pairs seperated, Draco and Peach heading towards the lake while Harry and Miasha went the other way to a nearby hilltop.

Flitwick tugged gently on McGonagall's robe sleeve. "Which one do we want to follow and watch?" he asked. After all, each bleacher could hardly follow both of the pairs.

"Ugh," McGonagall groaned. "Is neither an option?" she asked in a bit of an uncharacteristic whine. She knew, though, that this needed to be carefully supervised. "Might as well follow Mr. Malfoy - I imagine that more people are going to watch Mr. Potter, so hopefully things won't get too out of control."

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Draco and Peach walked along the short grass, walking towards the Great Lake, whose surface was softly sparkling from the moonlight. He looked over to her as she walked next to him and couldn't help but imagine her to be a sort of living patronus. A lady of such radiance, purity, and grace that merely being next to her calmed the grey storms in his soul.

"I've never met anyone like you," he whispered, not really meaning to.

"I know," she replied back in a soft and kind voice. "And I've never met anyone quite like you, Draco..."

Draco found his hand nearest her lifting up into the air, and with a hesitation, brushed along her bared shoulder, almost as if he was trying to make sure she wasn't some wonderful figment of his imagination. Upon feeling the soft smooth flawless skin of her shoulder, he blushed a faint bit, sure that he had earned a rebuke from her. It would be quite deserved, and he was acting quite unlike himself and felt quite out of balance.

Instead, she stopped walking to turn and face him, a gentle smile upon her face. "It's ok, Draco," she whispered, and took his hand with hers. Her other hand came up to his cheek, tenderly brushing a lock of Draco's blond hair behind his ear. "I know how hard it's been for you... how hard you've been fighting..."

She apparently didn't know, though, how much McGonagall was gagging 50 feet above her.

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Harry walked a bit behind Iuzami as they made their way up the hill. He couldn't help but look her over, not so much because of how she looked (Harry could admit it, she was far more amazing and exotic than any woman he'd ever seen before) but the aura coming from her. It was as though she'd weathered the same struggles, suffering, and storms as he had - that she'd never had a normal life. But there was a sense that she was above it, that her mind did not dwell on it and that she was completely at peace with herself and the universe. When they got to the top of the hill, Harry took off his outer robe and spread it out on the ground, giving them an impromptu blanket for them to lie on.

"I'm not what you expected, am I?" Miasha whispered to him with a faint smile on her face as they lied side by side facing up at the night sky.

"No," Harry replied honestly.

"What did you expect?" she whispered back to him.

"Someone... someone pure and good-hearted... someone innocent and who really doesn't quite even know what evil is..."

"Well," Miasha said softly, "I don't think that'd be a good description of me. Unless you live as a turtle that never sticks its head out, you will see and hear evil. But that is good, because to fight something, you must first understand it." She continued with an even softer and exposed voice, "I don't think I'd expect the same as you."

"Hm?" Harry murmurred, watching a shooting star. "Why not?"

"Well," Miasha said softly, "I'd rather have someone that could understand what I've gone through... I don't know if a sheltered person could understand either of us, Harry."

Harry couldn't help but turn on his side. She'd voiced something his heart had been trying to tell him for the longest time, that nobody at Hogwarts could possibly understand him. His brain had tried to insist that Ginny was his soul mate, that she was the closest person who had experienced first hand Voldemort's power, that she wasn't some sheltered girl. But he knew now, and he'd always known... it was a false hope.

Ron, however, was hoping that his sister sitting next to him wouldn't kill the Boy-Who-Lived the next day at breakfast.

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"Have you ever kissed someone before?" Draco asked Peach, looking over the sparkling surface of the lake as they sat upon its sandy beach. He asked, not because he really wanted to know the answer, but because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop thinking about how wonderful it would be.

"A few times," Peach said, blushing a little. "How about you?"

Draco looked down, and said with a bit of quite uncharacteristic modesty, "Only a few times."

They slowly leaned forward, eyes closing just as slowly. Finally, after an eternity of anticipation, their lips softly brushed against each other. They felt a warm shiver run up their spines, a glowing magical aura seeming to surround their souls in what had to be the most amazing and heartfelt kiss in the entirety of the universe.

McGonagall gagged again. "That is just disgusting! She was snogging the boy's father not four hours ago!"

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"Your robe isn't very big," Miasha said with a bit of a smile, indicating at the robe they were lying on next to each other.

"I'm not sorry," Harry replied, smiling himself. "Otherwise we might not be lying so close together."

"Oh, I don't know," Miasha said, and turned onto her side to face him, her hand resting on the t-shirt covering Harry's chest. "I think I'd be this close to you no matter how large your robe was. She slowly half-rubbed, half-tickled the cotton fabric covering a well-defined chest.

"Mmmmm..." Harry murmurred, welcoming the touch.

Ron gaped. "Since when was Harry ever described as good looking? He's a scrawny boy, not some muscled body-builder! Right Ginny?" From the look on Ginny's face, it seemed that while Ginny was peeved at Harry, it most certainly wasn't because of his newfound physique...

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And then it happened.

Saving the author from having to come up with some contrived way yet again to avoid a PG ratings slip, Voldemort stormed over the grounds.

"What is going on?" he demanded in a foreboding voice.

McGonagall was instantly worried - they hadn't yet determined the greatest sue! She returned to visible the stands that the staff was on, and warily asked, "What do you mean?"

"Listen, McGonagall," Voldemort ranted. "I was told that this would be a Humor-Parody fic and thus would not require any death eater attacks. And considering that the Ministry of Labor-Relations has been pestering me for years now, I decided it'd be a good time to let my minions take their first ever vacation."

"That's nice of you," McGonagall said, not quite believing what she was hearing.

"Yes," Voldemort hissed. "They had a wonderful villa all to themselves to rest and relax in the hills of Southern France!"

"Ahhhh," McGonagall said, understanding. "Were any of them able to apparate out before the country blew up?"

Voldemort didn't bother answering and merely glowered. "I think it's time I finally kill you... Wh... what is that!"

Everyone looked to where the Dark Lord was pointing.

"Oh my G... Somntoe!"

Sure enough, a twenty-foot tall demoness was quickly treading up the pathway towards them, a purplish-red aura trailing as though the very air itself turned evil when it touched her skin.

"Listen," Voldemort said angrily to the new arrival, "You're going to have to come back later wh..."

Somntoe, however, was not going to be put off by someone as insignificant as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. She quickly picked him up and ate him, absorbing his magical energy and power into her body.

"I've come back to tell you all," she said with a raw fury after finishing her tasty snack, "That I will be opening the gates of the netherworlds exactly seven months and three days from now, and just for your petty jealousy of my powers, I shall open it within these grounds! The gruesomeness of your impending deaths will be unmatched in all of history!"

With a loud deep-throated cackle, Somntoe left. As soon as she had, a soft phoenix song began to echo around the grass, followed by the appearance of Fawkes.

McGonagall's eyes widened in surprise, and took the note Fawkes had held in his claw.

Headmistress McGonagall,

If you've received this note, I've died and Voldemort has been defeated by the 'Greatest Sue'. Unfortunately, the prophecy also spelled out that this Sue is actually an enemy far more powerful, cunning, and evil than Voldemort ever was. The good news is, the prophecy detailed that a savior would emerge to bring this Sue to her salvation - a young man by the name of Gary-Stu. Find him, and finally rid the world of evil!

Oh, and feed Fawkes, too. He likes Fabulous Phoenix Fare brand with marshmallow chunks. Don't let him have any chocolate, though - he'll poop all over the office for weeks.

- Albus Dumbledore

"That. Is. It!" McGonagall said, shaking in fury. "I'm going to learn how to resurrect people and bring Albus back from the dead, just so I can kill him myself!"

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Epilogue – A Letter from Ron

Hermione,

I miss you! I really wish you could've come over for Christmas this year, things aren't the same without you.

I have some really good news, though! Remember that broom Miasha flew? Murikos Revenge? Well, the ministry finished Snape's autopsy - the dark mark apparently does something to make it nearly impossible to magically scan a body - and my dad managed to take home the 'murder weapon'. Miasha said she didn't want it - she said she was going to a place called 'Dragonball Q' or something - so I've got a brand new, better-than-firebolt broom! Haha, Harry will be so jealous!

Well, he won't be jealous until at least after Christmas break, because I don't think he's really noticed much of anything that doesn't involve Ginny in some way since break started. Right now he's upstairs in my sister's room, and I'm trying not to think about what might be going on. Even worse, they've been talking about doing some fluff fics - between you and me, I think it's because Ginny wouldn't mind if a fluff author decided to give Harry back those muscles he had back at the end of that contest.

When the two of them aren't snogging, though, we came up with a really fun game that the three of us play - Ginny named it 'Depression Bingo'. You see, Harry found Ebony's diary a few days before break and turned it over to McGonagall, in case there was some curse on it. Well, McGonagall didn't want it, so when she finished examining it, she owled it back to Harry! Anyway, we made up these bingo cards with words like 'Dark', 'Suffer', and 'Soul' - and then start reading from the diary. We've only played three rounds so far - I won the last one on a diagonal with Beating-Misery-FreeSpace-Dead-Blackness.

I asked dad if there's anything new with Somntoe. He replied in this sort of half-grim half-amused voice that I should consider myself lucky that McGonagall convinced them to hold the Gary-Sue contest at Durmstrang, because if even half of what he's heard is true, nobody will be left sane by the end. Other than that, he won't tell me anything, so Harry and I have been guessing where the opening will be. Harry insists it will be the Slytherin commons, even though Somntoe said it would be on the grounds, not in the castle. I think it will be at that commode between the greenhouses and the quidditch pitch. If there was going to be a foul and evil portal to some twisted dimension, I think that outhouse would be the natural location for it.

Oh - I almost forgot. I got a letter from Draco Malfoy yesterday. Get this, it was an invitation to a church! I don't know what kind of number Peach did on that boy, but apparently the two of them started up a New Age ministry in northern Bristol. I don't quite know what to think, because I can't imagine Malfoy giving a religious sermon.

Witherwings attacked the house again last night. You know, I guess I thought Harry would take the time to write his recently resurrected godfather, but apparently he's too busy now that he's dating my sister. At first Sirius tried polite letters, then firecalls - which apparently didn't get Harry's attention, since he resorted to sending his hippogryph every few days to terrorize the household at three in the morning.

Hope things are going good for you, and I'll see you in a few days back at Hogwarts! Miss you!

- Ron

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Thanks everyone for reviewing! This has definitely been a joy to write, and I hope you all enjoyed reading it!