*Note* the last chapter is in present tense. We are now in past tense.
Deal with it!!
When we last left Neil M. Belmont, he was sitting in the dusty, dirty road outside his house. No whip, no last name starting with a B and ending in elmont, he was left with nothing except the personal knowledge that he killed Dracula.
"Now what to do..." he said emptily.
A strange, pale, gaunt individual approached Neil.
"G'day, mate!" the fellow said.
"Um, g'day..." Neil replied. "What's with yer... um... skin?"
"I ain't shore what yer hintin' at there, mate..."
Neil noticed a pair of fangs poking into sight when the fellow spoke. He also noticed the sky was black, and night had fallen.
"You wouldn't... um..."
"Eh? What's that, mate?"
"You wouldn't happen to be Australian, would you?"
"I reckon I would, mate! Mighty keen, aren'cha!"
Neil stood to full posture and dusted himself off.
"You wouldn't happen to be an Australian... VAMPIRE, would you?!"
"Uh..." The fellow looked about, then sighed and looked at Neil again. "I suppose ya got me there, mate... Reckon you might spare a pint o' blood?"
"'Fraid not, mate... I reckon I'm a Belmont! A vampire hunter!!"
"Belmont? You a Belmont?!" The fellow looked quite shocked.
"I reckon he ain't!" Terence yelled out the house window. "This bloke 'ere, I kicked 'im outta me family, what ta live with tha kangas!!"
Neil bore a puzzled expression. "Dad? Y'aint Australian!! Blimey, I'm doin' too!" He noticed the vampire was leaning very close to his neck.
"D'you mind, mate?!" Neil snapped. "Urgh! That's it. I may not be a Belmont anymore, but I'll show you what real vampire killing is all about!!"
He pushed the vampire away. The pale, bony fellow stumbled backwards and tripped over a wagon wheel. He hit the ground, sending up clouds of dust.
"Yer gonna pay for that, mate!" hissed the Aussie vampire. "Soon as I get up..."
"I'll be back later," Neil said, walking off.
"Ya better not be, I'll bite yer bloody neck!"
A troubled Neil walked off through his town, wind blowing dead leaves around aimlessly, the moon casting a pale shadow before him. He noticed the village weapon shop was still open.
"Yeah, I'll show dad I don't need that lame whip. Aw, screw dad. I'll do this for my own sake."
He entered the shop. A very ugly man, or a very handsome dog in men's clothes sat upon a bench.
"What can I do for ya?" the man/dog asked.
"Um... are you a dog?" Neil wondered.
"What makes you say that? I mean, of course not." He rubbed a stubby, paw- like hand across his extended black nose.
"...Right. Anyway... I need a-"
"Weapon?"
"Yeah, that's right. You're good."
"That's all we sell."
"Yeah... nevermind. I need a weapon."
"Ain't you that Belmont kid?" the 'man' asked.
"Not anymore, I got disowned."
"Hm. That's too bad. We have a 99.9% off deal for all Belmonts."
"Seriously? Wow... but we use the whip."
"Yeah... that's why we have the sale. Doesn't make a difference, but it makes us look like we endorse the town hero."
"How 'bout you live up to your endorsement just once, man, and give me the discount?"
"He's no son of mine and no Belmont!!" came the voice of Terence from afar.
"Well, I heard that clear enough." The 'man' shrugged. A hairy, tail-like appendage wagged behind his back. Neil stared oddly.
"Look. Here's my story. I've been exiled from the Belmont family, and now I need a new weapon and maybe some other cool stuff so I can be a freelance vampire hunter."
"What'd ya do to get kicked out, anyway?"
"I... well... I badmouthed the whip."
"The WHIP?!" gasped the 'guy.' "Don't no one badmouth the whip."
"Eh, it was nothing special. Just a whip. The person swinging it matters more. Without the Morning Star powerup, it sucks."
"I see, I see... so you need a new weapon, and you aren't sure what."
"Yeah," Neil confirmed. "Can you help me out?"
"You bet. Here's what we got." The shopkeeper pulled a rope. A large red curtain behind him, which Neil hadn't noticed, became agape, and a wide selection of weaponry stood behind it.
Neil's jaw dropped. "Woah, woah, woah... Kittens? Doves?!"
"Some little girl used them. Seems they were pretty effective. But, no one's bought any since."
"Don't you have to like... feed them and stuff?"
"Not if they're sub-weapons."
"Eh?"
"You know, sub-weapons. They pop up out of nowhere if you've got hearts."
"Oh, I gotcha." Neil then scratched his head. "But I could use them as main weapons too?"
"If you don't mind looking stupid."
"I really need a main weapon, and I'm not looking for anything living, or for that matter, any whips."
"Well, take a look. We got swords, shields, polearms, axes, wooden weapons, flails, daggers, jumpropes, jaws of life, salad shooters, Taco Bell sauce, and stale French bread."
Neil looked over the choices. "What's up with the bread?"
"Oh, you need a permit to carry that around. It's dangerous."
"How so?"
The shopkeeper grabbed the bread, and pulled a small diamond out of his pocket. He placed the diamond on the table, and proceeded to smash it into dust with a few strikes from the rock-hard stale bread.
"That's... a pretty expensive demonstration..." Neil said bewilderedly.
"I just slip it on the bill of the next guy who buys something..."
"Damn. Well... I stole a crapload of cash off those dark minions of evil who were summoning Dracula back to life. I got this covered."
"So you want the bread?"
"I think so... but I'm still not decided."
"Kid, you seem bright, and loaded, and by bright, I mean highly gullible, and by loaded, I mean loaded... so lemme tell you what I'm gonna do." He reached up to a tall shelf and pulled down a large box.
"Oooh... yeah, yeah, what's in the box?" Neil asked, bewildered by the fine white cloth draped over it.
"A weapon. A weapon of great worth and value. This is one of the greatest swords ever made!!"
He clutched the white veil tightly with his paw-hands. "This is a mighty sword the legendary Alucard found in Dracula's castle years ago, and used it to defeat the evil master of the castle... This is the now-nameless Dark Sword!!"
He removed the cloth in a flashy gesture, exposing a sword of dark colors which inspired a fear into any who looked upon it. "This sword has the elemental power of darkness and shadow. It's very strong, too."
"Wait a minute..." said Neil. "Why would a vampire slayer want this? Wouldn't a.... like, a Pope slayer want this?!"
A skinny, deranged, bug-eyed, sloppy-haired man in a black shirt and gray pants barged through the door, running like a drunken clown with broken knees, giggling like a school girl. His shirt read "Pope-Slayer" in white letters. He snatched the sword, his hands like the wind, and he scampered away gleefully.
The dog-guy whipped out a pistol and shot him. The Pope-Slayer hobbled out the door, still giggling, dropping the sword on the way out. Neil thoughtfully picked it up and brought it back, his expression clearly stating he did not wish to discuss or think about what just happened ever again.
"So anyway," Neil continued. "Isn't this kind of weapon a stupid idea for someone like me to try to use against evil creatures of unholiness?"
"Probably. But it's cool, and famous."
"Eh. I don't think so."
"Okay, okay. Kid, you ever hear of Excalibur?"
"What? You have Excalibur?!" Neil's eyes lit up.
"Yes, we have Excalipur."
"EXCALI-BUR."
"Yes, we have EXCALIPUR."
"Look, stop acting like I don't notice."
The shopkeeper sighed. "Yeah, fine. We have one called Excalipur. It's a ripoff, but it's almost as good. It has no magical powers, no history, and the metal's a little cheaper... but darnit, I've seen the real thing, and this one's not that much worse."
"How much is it?"
"10 silver coins."
"Not bad... I'll take it."
"What about the bread?"
"Can I get that as a sub-weapon?"
"I'm afraid not. It's main-weapon only."
"Well... how about specials? Or maybe I can re-equip and use it."
"You figure that out. It'll be 12 silver."
"Right. And the diamond, which looks a lot like glass now that I look at it?"
"Umm... no charge."
"Okay. Thanks, you've been a big help, despite the fact that you're a talking dog wearing pants, and that you tried to rip me off several times."
"No hard feelings though?"
"Nah."
"Hey... wait, I'm not a dog."
"What's with the tail?"
"I, er...."
"Dog."
"Get out!!"
"What?"
"GET OUT!!"
"Okay, okay, geez. I'm getting out."
The dog guy kicked Neil square in the rectal area, knocking him onto the dusty street. It was now the dead of night...
"And never come back!!" the dog guy screamed.
"What about paying for this stuff?" Neil asked.
"Err... get back here and pay me!!"
"I can't do that. You told me never to come back. Sorry!"
"ARRGH!! Fine, just get lost!!"
Neil chuckled and walked off down the street...
What will happen next time to our favorite non-Belmont Belmont? Will his fierce arsenal of the semi-famous Excalipur and an extremely hard loaf of stale French bread prove enough? How much farther will he have to go before his father stops hearing his conversations and screaming about him not being a Belmont? And why is there a talking dog in a Castlevania fanfic?
Find out next time!! (except for the talking dog thing, I'm not bringing that up again)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Australia, Australians, Australianism, Australian accents, vampires, vampirism, Australian vampires, Australian vampirism, Australian vampire accents, or any other such people, places or concepts. I own a few things, though. Come over sometime and I'll show you my things. We'll have fun!
When we last left Neil M. Belmont, he was sitting in the dusty, dirty road outside his house. No whip, no last name starting with a B and ending in elmont, he was left with nothing except the personal knowledge that he killed Dracula.
"Now what to do..." he said emptily.
A strange, pale, gaunt individual approached Neil.
"G'day, mate!" the fellow said.
"Um, g'day..." Neil replied. "What's with yer... um... skin?"
"I ain't shore what yer hintin' at there, mate..."
Neil noticed a pair of fangs poking into sight when the fellow spoke. He also noticed the sky was black, and night had fallen.
"You wouldn't... um..."
"Eh? What's that, mate?"
"You wouldn't happen to be Australian, would you?"
"I reckon I would, mate! Mighty keen, aren'cha!"
Neil stood to full posture and dusted himself off.
"You wouldn't happen to be an Australian... VAMPIRE, would you?!"
"Uh..." The fellow looked about, then sighed and looked at Neil again. "I suppose ya got me there, mate... Reckon you might spare a pint o' blood?"
"'Fraid not, mate... I reckon I'm a Belmont! A vampire hunter!!"
"Belmont? You a Belmont?!" The fellow looked quite shocked.
"I reckon he ain't!" Terence yelled out the house window. "This bloke 'ere, I kicked 'im outta me family, what ta live with tha kangas!!"
Neil bore a puzzled expression. "Dad? Y'aint Australian!! Blimey, I'm doin' too!" He noticed the vampire was leaning very close to his neck.
"D'you mind, mate?!" Neil snapped. "Urgh! That's it. I may not be a Belmont anymore, but I'll show you what real vampire killing is all about!!"
He pushed the vampire away. The pale, bony fellow stumbled backwards and tripped over a wagon wheel. He hit the ground, sending up clouds of dust.
"Yer gonna pay for that, mate!" hissed the Aussie vampire. "Soon as I get up..."
"I'll be back later," Neil said, walking off.
"Ya better not be, I'll bite yer bloody neck!"
A troubled Neil walked off through his town, wind blowing dead leaves around aimlessly, the moon casting a pale shadow before him. He noticed the village weapon shop was still open.
"Yeah, I'll show dad I don't need that lame whip. Aw, screw dad. I'll do this for my own sake."
He entered the shop. A very ugly man, or a very handsome dog in men's clothes sat upon a bench.
"What can I do for ya?" the man/dog asked.
"Um... are you a dog?" Neil wondered.
"What makes you say that? I mean, of course not." He rubbed a stubby, paw- like hand across his extended black nose.
"...Right. Anyway... I need a-"
"Weapon?"
"Yeah, that's right. You're good."
"That's all we sell."
"Yeah... nevermind. I need a weapon."
"Ain't you that Belmont kid?" the 'man' asked.
"Not anymore, I got disowned."
"Hm. That's too bad. We have a 99.9% off deal for all Belmonts."
"Seriously? Wow... but we use the whip."
"Yeah... that's why we have the sale. Doesn't make a difference, but it makes us look like we endorse the town hero."
"How 'bout you live up to your endorsement just once, man, and give me the discount?"
"He's no son of mine and no Belmont!!" came the voice of Terence from afar.
"Well, I heard that clear enough." The 'man' shrugged. A hairy, tail-like appendage wagged behind his back. Neil stared oddly.
"Look. Here's my story. I've been exiled from the Belmont family, and now I need a new weapon and maybe some other cool stuff so I can be a freelance vampire hunter."
"What'd ya do to get kicked out, anyway?"
"I... well... I badmouthed the whip."
"The WHIP?!" gasped the 'guy.' "Don't no one badmouth the whip."
"Eh, it was nothing special. Just a whip. The person swinging it matters more. Without the Morning Star powerup, it sucks."
"I see, I see... so you need a new weapon, and you aren't sure what."
"Yeah," Neil confirmed. "Can you help me out?"
"You bet. Here's what we got." The shopkeeper pulled a rope. A large red curtain behind him, which Neil hadn't noticed, became agape, and a wide selection of weaponry stood behind it.
Neil's jaw dropped. "Woah, woah, woah... Kittens? Doves?!"
"Some little girl used them. Seems they were pretty effective. But, no one's bought any since."
"Don't you have to like... feed them and stuff?"
"Not if they're sub-weapons."
"Eh?"
"You know, sub-weapons. They pop up out of nowhere if you've got hearts."
"Oh, I gotcha." Neil then scratched his head. "But I could use them as main weapons too?"
"If you don't mind looking stupid."
"I really need a main weapon, and I'm not looking for anything living, or for that matter, any whips."
"Well, take a look. We got swords, shields, polearms, axes, wooden weapons, flails, daggers, jumpropes, jaws of life, salad shooters, Taco Bell sauce, and stale French bread."
Neil looked over the choices. "What's up with the bread?"
"Oh, you need a permit to carry that around. It's dangerous."
"How so?"
The shopkeeper grabbed the bread, and pulled a small diamond out of his pocket. He placed the diamond on the table, and proceeded to smash it into dust with a few strikes from the rock-hard stale bread.
"That's... a pretty expensive demonstration..." Neil said bewilderedly.
"I just slip it on the bill of the next guy who buys something..."
"Damn. Well... I stole a crapload of cash off those dark minions of evil who were summoning Dracula back to life. I got this covered."
"So you want the bread?"
"I think so... but I'm still not decided."
"Kid, you seem bright, and loaded, and by bright, I mean highly gullible, and by loaded, I mean loaded... so lemme tell you what I'm gonna do." He reached up to a tall shelf and pulled down a large box.
"Oooh... yeah, yeah, what's in the box?" Neil asked, bewildered by the fine white cloth draped over it.
"A weapon. A weapon of great worth and value. This is one of the greatest swords ever made!!"
He clutched the white veil tightly with his paw-hands. "This is a mighty sword the legendary Alucard found in Dracula's castle years ago, and used it to defeat the evil master of the castle... This is the now-nameless Dark Sword!!"
He removed the cloth in a flashy gesture, exposing a sword of dark colors which inspired a fear into any who looked upon it. "This sword has the elemental power of darkness and shadow. It's very strong, too."
"Wait a minute..." said Neil. "Why would a vampire slayer want this? Wouldn't a.... like, a Pope slayer want this?!"
A skinny, deranged, bug-eyed, sloppy-haired man in a black shirt and gray pants barged through the door, running like a drunken clown with broken knees, giggling like a school girl. His shirt read "Pope-Slayer" in white letters. He snatched the sword, his hands like the wind, and he scampered away gleefully.
The dog-guy whipped out a pistol and shot him. The Pope-Slayer hobbled out the door, still giggling, dropping the sword on the way out. Neil thoughtfully picked it up and brought it back, his expression clearly stating he did not wish to discuss or think about what just happened ever again.
"So anyway," Neil continued. "Isn't this kind of weapon a stupid idea for someone like me to try to use against evil creatures of unholiness?"
"Probably. But it's cool, and famous."
"Eh. I don't think so."
"Okay, okay. Kid, you ever hear of Excalibur?"
"What? You have Excalibur?!" Neil's eyes lit up.
"Yes, we have Excalipur."
"EXCALI-BUR."
"Yes, we have EXCALIPUR."
"Look, stop acting like I don't notice."
The shopkeeper sighed. "Yeah, fine. We have one called Excalipur. It's a ripoff, but it's almost as good. It has no magical powers, no history, and the metal's a little cheaper... but darnit, I've seen the real thing, and this one's not that much worse."
"How much is it?"
"10 silver coins."
"Not bad... I'll take it."
"What about the bread?"
"Can I get that as a sub-weapon?"
"I'm afraid not. It's main-weapon only."
"Well... how about specials? Or maybe I can re-equip and use it."
"You figure that out. It'll be 12 silver."
"Right. And the diamond, which looks a lot like glass now that I look at it?"
"Umm... no charge."
"Okay. Thanks, you've been a big help, despite the fact that you're a talking dog wearing pants, and that you tried to rip me off several times."
"No hard feelings though?"
"Nah."
"Hey... wait, I'm not a dog."
"What's with the tail?"
"I, er...."
"Dog."
"Get out!!"
"What?"
"GET OUT!!"
"Okay, okay, geez. I'm getting out."
The dog guy kicked Neil square in the rectal area, knocking him onto the dusty street. It was now the dead of night...
"And never come back!!" the dog guy screamed.
"What about paying for this stuff?" Neil asked.
"Err... get back here and pay me!!"
"I can't do that. You told me never to come back. Sorry!"
"ARRGH!! Fine, just get lost!!"
Neil chuckled and walked off down the street...
What will happen next time to our favorite non-Belmont Belmont? Will his fierce arsenal of the semi-famous Excalipur and an extremely hard loaf of stale French bread prove enough? How much farther will he have to go before his father stops hearing his conversations and screaming about him not being a Belmont? And why is there a talking dog in a Castlevania fanfic?
Find out next time!! (except for the talking dog thing, I'm not bringing that up again)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Australia, Australians, Australianism, Australian accents, vampires, vampirism, Australian vampires, Australian vampirism, Australian vampire accents, or any other such people, places or concepts. I own a few things, though. Come over sometime and I'll show you my things. We'll have fun!