N/A: Please forgive me for torturing Sasuke endlessly!

Sakura

Sakura's answer machine message:

Hello! You have reached Uchiha Sakura's answering machine. I am probably not home because I'm out stalking Sasuke or stealing some spiderman underwear from him. Anyway leave a message if you like but it is most likely I will not answer it. Unless you are Sasuke, have Sasuke related business, or are willing to tell me any of Sasuke's deep dark secrets. Thank You!

Messages on Sakura's machine:

Message #1

(Sasuke) When did your family name become Uchiha? You're not related to me or married to me and I'm pretty sure that neither is going to happen. Sakura, I demand that you change that message!

Message #2

(Sasuke) Oh and I forgot...GIVE ME BACK MY SPIDERMAN UNDERWEAR! (in a low voice) They're my favorite.

Message #3

(Itachi) Hello! You may not know me but I am willing to tell you some of Sasuke's deep dark secrets! First of all Sasuke has an irrational fear of toasters! When he was a kid he had just finished washing his hands and I told him to stick his finger in the toaster. Being the foolish little boy he is, he did it. We couldn't bring him two feet near a toaster without him freaking out for months! (Sasuke's angry voice in the background) Itachi stop telling random people about my deep dark secrets! I'll kill you! (Sounds of struggling)

Message #4

(Ino) Sakura I will not allow that you take Sasuke away from me! I just want to warn you that one day I will make Sasuke mine! We will live in a big cream colored villa at the edge of Konoha. There we will raise our two beautiful girls. Sasuke will be like (Ino intimating Sasuke) I love Ino! I will always love you. (Ino being Ino) Really Sasuke! I love you! I have always loved you! (Ino mimicking Sasuke) You were always the one for me. I never liked that stupid Sakura. (Ino as Ino) I will love you forever Sasuke!

Message #5

(Itachi) Sorry...now where was I. (Paranoid Sasuke in the background) Toasters! No! No more toasters. (Itachi) Second, Sasuke has a secret love for cotton dinosaur pajamas. Third when Sasuke was born he had six toes on his left foot. We had to bring him to a doctor to remove it, it was pretty ugly. And last of all Sasuke still sleeps with a white teddy bear named Mr. Snuggles. That's all I can think about for now, but if I think of more I'll call you!

Message #6

(Orochimaru) Hello. I am calling around and asking people if they want to join the "We Love Sasuke" fan club. Currently I am the president of the club, Itachi is the vice president, Kisame is our secretary, and Kabuto is our mascot. Anyway we are open to anyone who wants to join so please just call me back at 1-800-We-love-sasuke for membership information.

Message #7

(Itachi) Oh yeah and Sasuke has a birthmark on his behind!