Disclaimer: I own nothing, unfortunately, except for a few minor characters. The rest belongs to J. K. Rowling.
Hey all! So, I'm trying to write a darker fic, very different from my usual humor fics. I just want to see what you guys think of it, you know, if I can still write a story with a different genre. Of course, if you like it, I'll continue posting, but if not, I'll discontinue, so please be honest! Please let me know!
On the Verge of Nothingness: Save Me
Chapter 1- Painful Memories (in Lily Evan's point of view)
Nothing.
That's what I am. Just an empty shell, devoid of any emotion or thought. Detached emotionally and mentally from the world. On the brink of insanity. Many people try to talk to me, and I hear them, but I never listen. I have forgotten how it was to laugh, to enjoy life, and to love.
Love.
What is that word, anyway? When I was still my carefree 17 year-old self, I used to think that it was everything in the world, that the earth revolved around it. I used to love that feeling more than any other feeling. I thought that it would save all the ones I cared about. I have waken up and realized that love doesn't save people, it kills them. And so I made a secret promise to myself. I learned to rid myself of this emotion, to push away everyone close to my heart, including him.
James Potter. The only man I have ever, and will ever love.
Oh how I remember that fateful, horrid day. How I can smile bitterly as I recalled how I had walked, crying, out of his door, and out of his life and into the pouring rain, into a void of nothing. I had left him last, telling myself that it would lessen the pain by saving leaving the person whom I loved the most for last, yet, how ironic was it that my heart broke into a thousand pieces just by seeing such a pained and confused look on his face, before I walked out and left him. I haven't seen him since.
I tried to tell myself that it was for the best, that it was better this way. But, though my head said so, my heart screamed the exact opposite. I was always the girl who would follow her heart and live for the moment. But now, I had to be the woman that always thought ahead and followed her head.
And so I tried to shut myself out from the wizarding world, bothering to go there only for work and to pay visits to Kaitlin, the only person who refused to be shut out from my life. In a way, I was mad at James because of this. If he did truly care for me, then why did he not try to force to enter my life even thought I had shut him out, just like Kaitlin did? It only added to my thinking that I was right in what I did.
What made me like this, you ask? Sometimes I look at myself inn the mirror and gasp at the sight before me. The woman before me was pale, with unkempt and shoulder-length red
Hair, with a tired expression and silently crying eyes, so different from the young, brilliant emerald eyed and long flaming red head girl with a fiery and spirited personality that I had once been. But I didn't do this to myself. The Dark Lord did.
And as I remember that horrible August night where I watched my parents and Muggle best friend be tortured and die before my very eyes at the hands of merciless Death Eaters, simply because they were my family, the tears from my eyes, now dull, begin to flow again, thought I am surprised that I still have tears left from crying so much. Whenever I remember that scene, I cry and change my mind, guilt washing over me. Voldemort didn't kill my family. It wasn't his fault. It was mine.
FLASHBACK
I, only seventeen years old then, and just a few days after I had left Hogwarts, watched the scene before me unfold. My eyes were wide with horror, and my heart was beating fast. I tried to scream, but I couldn't. My voice was stuck.
"Now, little mudblood, we want to entertain you for a while, so we'll give you a little show you'll never forget" A death Eater hissed at me. I could only open my mouth, hoping to overcome the fear inside me, but it was too strong.
And with that, I was forced to watch in horror as the five Death Eaters raised their wands and shot curse after curse at my parents and Kristine, one of my best friends who had come visiting for the day. Tears streamed down my face as I endured watching this revolting display of the Death Eater's torture. Each time my family screamed in agony, it felt like I was being stabbed in the heart with an icy dagger.
Finally, I found my voice. "MOM! DAD! KRISTINE! NO! STOP IT!" I yelled, crying out with as much strength as I could. I couldn't move; they had bound me with a spell. The Death eaters merely sniggered at this, seeing as they took some sadistic pleasure in watching people suffer.
"How does it feel, mudblood?" another Death Eater hissed at me. "How does it feel to see your family and friend killed before your very eyes? How does it feel to know that you can't do anything? How does it feel, knowing that your precious parents and friend is dying because of you?"
I couldn't reply. I was still reveling in that thought. It was my fault. I caused this. The guilt began to wash through me. I had no choice but to endure watching the horrific scene. I couldn't look away either, because they had placed a spell on me to make me look ahead. My tears flowed even more as I came to one realization. My familyand Kristine were dying, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Finally, those heartless maniacs yelled "AVADA KEDAVRA!" simultaneously, and in a flash of blinding green light, my parent's and Kristine's screams resounded in the small house. My own scream sounded as well.
But it wasn't enough, they decided. Before they left, they raised their wands once more and yelled, "CRUCIO!" I fell to the ground in pain, crying.
Finally, with one last evil cackle, the Death eaters left the house, leaving behind not only three lifeless bodies, but also a girl, bruised, battered, and who had just seen the loves of her life perish before her very eyes.
END OF FLASHBACK
I cry in despair, not being able to handle the heartache that came along with remembering such painful memories. When I woke up in the hospital a few days later, I resolved to stop any relations I had with people, even though it hurt. I had to keep them away from me, fro their sake. But doing it was never easy, but being alone feels even worse.
A storm has just started outside. I hardly notice. The room has turned cold. I know, but I hardly feel it. Now, I feel only a sense of nothingness. I have nothing more to do than to lie in bed and cry, waiting for sleep to claim me.
..------..
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP…. The morning alarm goes off in an annoyingly cheery manner. I move only a few inches to silence the clock, not using magic. Then, I slump back on the bed, still tired. I wondered if I should even go to work today. It didn't really matter, either way. Each new day meant nothing for me now. After a few minutes of thinking, I decided to go to work. I guess I needed something to help take my mind off my thoughts from last night, since my thoughts always seemed to haunt me
I dressed in my usual work clothes, being deliberately slow. Finally, I was finished. I grabbed my bag, and was about to go to the kitchen to grab a piece of toast when I caught sight of a piece of paper stuck in one of the loose floorboards in her room.
Curious, I bent to pick it up. It wasn't just a piece of paper, it was a picture. A lump rose in my throat. It was a picture of me and James, way before what had happened. As I looked at the happy autumn scene as me and James twirled around, without a care in the world, I realized that I no longer recognized who the girl in the picture was. I had forgotten the old Lily.
Struggling to control my tears, I let the picture drop to the floor. Not bothering with breakfast, I Apparated immediately for work.
..------..
Work did nothing to help me. Nothing changed; I never really paid any close attention to what the people were saying, nor did people pay attention to me. I was lost in my own world, where I saw only pain and misery. It was nighttime already, long since I had gone from work, and I was exhausted.
Whenever I'm alone, the silence envelopes me, as if mocking me that it's my fault that I'm alone. Stop it, I want to yell. But the silence only laughs, a cruel, cold, but strangely, still silent laugh.
A rush of wind enters my home. I feel it, but I hardly acknowledge it's presence. After all, it, just like everything else, passes slowly into nothing. A tear falls from my eye. I brush it off. A strange pang of loneliness comes over me. I try my best to ignore it. It doesn't matter to me. Nothing does anymore.
Suddenly, a loud rap is heard at my door. It startles me from my reveries. Who could it be, I wonder, as I walk over to the door and open it.
Suddenly, my heart is filled with ache and many memories rush back as I stare at the person before me. A ghost from my past whom I so wanted to forget. I whisper his name, as he stares at me with those deep, scrutinizing hazel eyes.
"James?"
..------..
"James?" I whisper again, not daring to believe that he was in fact right in front of me. "What are you doing here?"
He refuses to answer me. Instead, he steps into the room and looks at me with an almost accusatory gaze in his eyes. "No Lily. The question is, what have you done to yourself?"
I try not to show that my heart was almost breaking. "I did nothing".
"Exactly!" James throws up his hands in exasperation. "You're not doing anything to save yourself, to save your life. You've pushed everyone away, why? Does it make you feel better to be alone?" His tone turned softer at this.
"This is for the best. I did this for everyone; I did it for you, why can't you see that?" I shot back, angered. What right did he have to intervene in my decisions?
"But what about yourself? Don't you realize that, with each passing day, you may keep everyone safe, but you yourself feel alone and bitter. Think about of yourself, for once, damn it!"
"James, you don't know how hard it is to endure what I had gone through, so you sure as hell don't have any right to just barge in here and challenge my decisions!" I yell.
"I didn't come to challenge your decisions, Lily. I just came to help you make new ones. Ones that'll help you and the ones you love" he says softly, before turning away and walking out the door, leaving me there with a frozen look. Suddenly, a bell begins to chime in the distance, drawing me further and further from where I'm at and bringing me into……
The real world. I open my eyes; my stupid and probably broken alarm clock is woke me up. I stare at my watch. It is still 3 o'clock in the morning. It was just a dream. Nothing really happened; I didn't really see James Potter.
But isn't that what you wanted? A voice in my head says.
Of course, I silently answer my head, to awake now to go back to sleep. I don't want to see James Potter again.
Then why, the same voice replied, do I sense such a sad feeling coming from you when you found out that it wasn't real? A disappointed feeling?
I felt no such thing, I argue, though there is not too much fight left within me. Obviously there isn't, because otherwise, I wouldn't be arguing with myself right now.
The voice does not reply, and I am thankful, but a pang of loneliness hits me once more. Imagine that, I even drive away my own conscience. Is this really all that I am now?
I sigh, not bothering to answer my own question. I turn off the lights again, lie on the pillows, and launch myself into a fitful sleep, full of dreams, bad and good, but mostly bad.
The next morning, I woke up not feeling refreshed, but exhausted and emotionally drained. I hate myself for last night's decision to go back to sleep. You see, for me, sleep and dreams doesn't hide my painful memories. Instead, it reawakens them, bringing them to the surface, bringing them back to haunt and taunt me.