Part 4

He had her pressed against the bedroom wall, his hands moving over her body urgently. Roughly. She closed her eyes tight, hoping that when she opened them he'd be gone and this would just be a dream. She wanted to wake up with Alex beside her. Her eyes jerked open as he pulled her closer, the sense of urgency in his actions increasing. He pulled at the hem of her shirt, beginning to lift it away from her body. She took a step back.

" What's the matter?" he asked impatiently. In her head he didn't have a name. He was just there, like gum that sticks to a shoe, and keeps on sticking no matter how hard you try to shake it off.

" Nothing," she said, looking over his shoulder at a spot on the far wall and telling herself to focus on it. He reached for her shirt again, and this time she let him pull it over her head, and push her forcefully backwards, toward the bed.

She was lying underneath him, his weight pressing down on her. She wasn't feeling anything. She thought she'd at least feel the heat from his body, but she felt cold. His movements, although slower, retained their sense of urgency. She bit her lip to keep from screaming that she didn't want this. He took it to mean something different, and his hands continued their exploration more rapidly now, pulling at the rest of her clothes.

She let him continue, feeling disgusted at herself. He kissed her neck, running his tongue over her collarbone. It felt rough, and she couldn't help put compare it to Alex, who'd always been so gentle, soft. She tried to focus on that, but the image of Alex kept fading, remaining just out of her grasp. Instead, she was left with reality. Him.

" I love you," he said, looking into her eyes.

She couldn't respond with the words he wanted to hear, so instead she kissed him, smiling as if his words meant something to her. He didn't notice her hesitation, too wrapped up in his own feelings. She let him push her back onto the bed, closing her eyes and trying to block out the world once more. She wished she had gotten drunk before doing this.

The next morning, she awoke to his arms wrapped tightly around her. It made her think of yesterday, when it had been Summer's arms around her, more loosely, more comfortingly. His arms made her feel trapped. She thought back to last night, his body covering hers, and she wanted to be sick. She tried to move out of his embrace, but found it impossible. She kept telling herself it would get better eventually, because she didn't think she could feel any worse. Things had to improve, they always did.

He was beginning to wake. She closed her eyes, inhaling deeply, before turning to him, her fake smile plastered onto her face. He leaned in to kiss her, missing the shadow that crossed her face as he did so.

" Morning," he said, smiling. A genuine smile, not like her pretence. She had different smiles, all for different occasions. Most of them were fake. Not as fake as this one, though, where it looked like it didn't belong on her face. She wondered when he had become so ignorant to her feelings.

She mumbled something unintelligible before moving his arm from her and sliding towards the edge of the bed.

" Hey, where are you going?" he asked, attempting to pull her back.

" Bathroom," she said shortly, " I'm meeting Summer later."

" Can't you reschedule? I thought we could spend some more time in bed…" he said, still with that smile stretching his features, so that in her eyes, he looked all distorted.

" No, I promised her," she said, adding, " There'll be plenty of time for that later," using another of her fake smiles. She didn't think she could handle another night like last night.

In the bathroom, she splashed cold water on her face, looking at herself in the mirror. She was becoming a person that she recognised once more. The one she'd been before Alex. The mess, the screw-up. The alcoholic. Next thing she knew she was on her knees, violently throwing up. Her eyes looked vacant half the time, angry the other half. They matched her feelings. When her stomach had stopped churning, she rose unsteadily to her feet, gripping onto the sink for support.

She wished she didn't need to hold onto anything for support. If she fell now, no one would be here to catch her. She threw away all her chances to have someone who'd be there no matter how screwed up she'd become. First, by allowing Alex to walk away at the bonfire, and then letting her walk away a second time. The moments replayed in her head, Alex walking away from her over and over, and she never turned around once.

When she was ready, she left the bathroom. He was still there, sleeping heavily now. She walked across the room as quietly as she could, not wanting to deal with him again. The necklace was on the floor in front of her. The clasp must have come undone last night. She picked it up, putting it in her pocket. It made her feel closer to Alex, somehow. She wondered if Alex was still wearing hers.

When outside, she called Summer, asking her to come and pick her up. She had to act normally today. No more thinking about her. Summer picked up that something was wrong immediately, but Marissa insisted that she was fine, and she just wanted to spend time with Summer.

" Where's Ryan?" she asked.

Unable to lie to Summer, partly because she couldn't, partly because she would see right through her anyway, she replied, " Sleeping."

" At yours?" she asked, keeping her tone as neutral as she could.

" Yeah," said Marissa. Even though Summer couldn't see her, she ran a hand through her hair nervously.

Summer had decided to save the rest of the conversation until they were face to face. Marissa waited for her impatiently, worried that he would wake up and come looking for her.

Summer greeted her with a hug, pulling back to look at Marissa's face.

" So you want to explain what happened last night?" Summer had always been direct, so Marissa wasn't surprised by the question.

Her answer was hesitant, almost as if she wasn't entirely sure herself.

" He, uh…." She started, but unable to finish, she changed what she was originally intending to say.

" I had to."

" You had to?" asked Summer.

" You don't get it, do you?"

" No. That's why I'm asking you to tell me. Please?"

" If I pretend for long enough, then it won't be pretending any more," she said, staring at the ground. The pavement was cracked, like she imagined herself to be sometimes.

" You can't keep lying Marissa. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to Ryan."