Part 5: A different kind of lying
" It's not lying, it's just..."
" Lying," said Summer.
" I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to fall in love with her," said Marissa tearfully. She was supposed to fall in love with him, and maybe she had been, once. But now that seemed like a different lifetime, and those feelings were disconnected from the person she was now.
" Do you love Ryan, even a little?" asked Summer.
" No," whispered Marissa.
" Then you can't keep doing this."
" I have to."
" You keep saying that, but I don't understand."
" If I stay with him long enough, then those feelings will come back. And maybe I'll stop thinking about her."
" You love her. You'll never stop thinking about her. She has a part of your heart, Coop. There's no changing that."
" I just want to stop thinking about her. It hurts, Sum."
" I know," said Summer, wrapping her arms around Marissa comfortingly.
" I never told her that I love her."
" I'm sure she knew," said Summer reassuringly.
" No, she didn't." She'd messed up again. Three little words. Funny how those words can leave you feeling so broken. Marissa thought that after love, came hate. But her feelings for him were indifference. For Alex, they remained as love. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be.
" Sum, I have to go."
" Where?"
" I don't know, I just want to be on my own for a while."
"Okay," said Summer worriedly.
" Don't look so concerned. I just need to clear my head a little."
She walked away; leaving Summer stood there, her face still clearly displaying concern.
The beach. Alex always seemed drawn to it. It made her think about Marissa. The beginning and the end. The end had left the beginning shattered, though, and sometimes it hurt more to think about that than it did to remember the bonfire. She sat down in the sand, tracing patterns with her fingertips. They always seemed to spell out her name. Even on the days where she was trying not to think about her.
Love wasn't supposed to hurt this way. She'd always been led to believe that. Just more lies that she'd heard. She had a photograph with her today. One of those times that they had been so happy. She kept staring at the picture, trying to work out what went wrong, but the image blurred, just like her memories. They were all faded around the edges, like they weren't supposed to be there. Maybe they weren't. They didn't fit, she'd told Marissa herself. So why did she feel like that was a lie? They'd been perfect together. But only from her point of view. She meant to tell Marissa that she loved her, but in retrospect, it was a good thing she didn't. She would have been crushed when she didn't say it back. Then again, it didn't matter. She was crushed now.
Summer entered Marissa's house, quietly so as not to disturb Ryan. She slowly opened the door to the bedroom, relieved to find he was still sleeping. Looking on the dresser, she found Marissa's cell phone, pocketing it before swiftly exiting.
Once away from the house, she took it out of her pocket, scrolling to Alex's name. The name was still there, but there was no number with it. Marissa seemed to be attempting to erase all traces of Alex.
Marissa found herself in that spot on the beach once again. Picking up the sand, and letting it run through her fingers, she thought about the way she had let Alex slip through her fingers, just as easily as the sand was doing now. Love was full of complications, and she had let those complications take over. She wished that things could be simple, like the way the earth rotated, no matter what. She wanted people to be that way, feeling the same way, no matter what.
All she had left was empty picture frames. She'd removed the photographs, placing them in a drawer with all the other parts of her life she hid away. It was meant to stop her from being reminded. But every time she looked at the picture frame, she'd imagine the photograph that had been inside it. A memory of a memory.
Sometimes Alex couldn't breathe for memories. They were in every part of her. She kept the photographs in their frames, because no matter how much it hurt, she needed her memories. Then there were the times that it felt as if they were suffocating her. Memories weren't made for choking on. The beach was doing nothing to help her think more positively. She kept thinking about Marissa, their first tentative kiss, and their last hug. That's what the beach was to her now: first kisses and last hugs. All the moments in between seemed insignificant in comparison. Those weren't the ones that were hurting her.
If you have a beginning, that implies that there must be an end. Nothing lasts forever, everyone knows that. She was naïve to think that her and Marissa would be different. Nothing would have made her happier than waking up every day with Marissa beside her. She'd never have the chance now. Why didn't she fight for Marissa? She just turned and walked away. Twice. She knew why, deep down. She always thought that if there were a fight, she'd be the one losing.
She was right, in the end. It was one of the few times where she didn't want to be. The world always seemed so backwards to her. It was like it was a mirror. The mirror image did exactly the opposite to what you did. Your desires were therefore always distorted. She wasn't thinking clearly today, her thoughts were tangling up with each other so that they didn't make sense. She had to work tonight. Another bar. Another thing to remind her of Marissa.
It was time she went home. The beach got too much, after a while. She needed to adjust, so that she could at least pretend to smile tonight. The customers were too cheerful, the lighting too harsh, the music too uplifting. It made Alex feel like she didn't belong. She had to pretend, though. When people asked her what sort of a week she'd had, she couldn't tell them that she felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest. So she said she was fine, her week was great. All the lies that people use. Because no one is ever fine. They're people.
Marissa knew all about pretending. All about lying, too. She couldn't look at that photograph anymore. It was taken at the beach, right in this spot. Marissa's arms were looped around Alex's neck, and they were looking deeply into each other's eyes, smiling. It looked like they were in love. So why did they fall apart? Falling apart, for Marissa, meant that was lying was necessary. She wasn't allowed to fall apart, she couldn't make it obvious. So instead, she was in the midst of a lie, with him.
Alex was back in her bed, listening to Rachel Yamagata on repeat. She had never worked out why she felt the need to open old wounds this way. That concert, that was when she realised that she had fallen really hard for this girl, and there was no getting back up. Once she had fallen, she stayed fallen. Maybe people were destined to crawl on the floor, never being able to gain the strength to stand up again. That's what love seemed like, to Alex. It seemed like a weakness, rather than a strength right now. When she and Marissa were still together, though, it seemed like the best thing in the world.
He'd be wondering where she was. Later, his hands would be on her again, and she would let him. She'd let him tell her that he loved her, and she'd pretend she felt the same. She'd let his lips kiss her skin, and she'd pretend it meant something. And all the time, she'd be biting her lip to keep from screaming for Alex. Making do with a lie wasn't pleasant, but the thought of not having the comfort of those lies was terrifying.