A/N: I'd like to thank Feye and None Ofyabeezwax(K) for correctly answering my question! When the snow melts, what does it become? The answer is spring! Because no matter how cold or how much snow there is, spring will always come and melt it away! (Think of it as a person. If someone's cold, a person, or spring, can melt the coldness away. It's cool to think about.) This is gonna come up in latter chapters, so remember it!
So basically, I'm back in school. Fun. Yeah, right. Oh well. I got this chapter up, and that's all that matters!
Thanks to Shattered Serenity, lsejrcfldfk., Angali, wounded-angel, Akt5us, angelofmynightmare, ambwardo, and Feye for reviewing. I love you all! -Hugs reviewers. Reviewers run away scared out of their wits-
Feye: Just so's you know, I normally reply to my reviewers in email, but since yours isn't listed, I'll just reply here. ...Yeah, I love song fics, and they're actually pretty easy to write, which is why I'm doing one. Yeah, well, I try. -Blushes-I've always loved the nick names in the books, so I figured I'd make a few of my own. Glad you like 'em. ...Well, actually, I meant the "This is the start of a beautiful friendship" was clichéd. You can't deny that. And yes, at the moment, James is a troll. But he gets better. Yeah, I thought about making Alice motherly, but that's how I am, and I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like me, so I wrote her differently. Claire's kinda motherly, so that makes up for it. Ok, I know this is kinda mean, but you wrote "There's a couple of minor typos in tense and splelling." I dunno, it just seems funny to me. I may get a beta. But since this is my first fic, I'm hoping that my writing will get better so that I don't need one. I thought about writing about the days before Christmas, but then I realized that this was the 5th chapter, and I only intended to have 5 in the first place, so I figured that I might as well make it 8 chapters instead of 12. Basically, the two avoided each other. I know, Lily's parents always die. At first I was gonna to go that route, but I got your review, and I went back and checked some stories. About 30 had them die. That was too many for me, so I changed it. I hope it's not too bad...But don't worry, I'm not speeding their relationship up or anything. It's not like they're gonna have sex or anything like that. I like the pace it's going, so I'll leave it at that for a while. And the whole Sirius thing is my favorite part in the story.
lsejrcfldfk.: Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you like it!
Shattered Serenity: Oh, ok. It's just that I email my replies to everyone, so that I don't have to write really long ones on here. (See above.)-Laughs- I sometimes do that to my sisters. Only I'm usually writing my fic, so it'll say, "Lily walked into him and MM360'll shove crayons up her sister's nose if she doesn't walk away this exact second." And they scamper away. It's really funny. Thanks for the cookie! -Hands SS another cookie- Here's one for you! Well, remember how James and Lily were avoiding one another? James is too embarrassed to do anything and Lily's just confused. So basically they just avoided each other until Christmas. It's mostly because every other fic has him make a move on her quickly. I think differently. He's a lot more shy here than anywhere else. I like that my fic's individual. Um, well, I can't update in 2 seconds, you know, but I'll try! And please do update Drink Up Me Hearties. I love that fic!
As for the other 67 of you who didn't review...ugh, you know what, I may just lose my temper with you, so thanks for reading, but WOULD IT KILL YOU TO REVIEW? I'm just asking...
Ok, well, on with chapter 5!
Disclaimer: I don't own HP. I never have, never will. I don't own Don't Let Him Go. Ditto.
Take it easy, take it slow
Lily sat kneeling in the Heads' common room, staring at the fire burning slowly in the grate. Her thin frame, which was pushed up against an oversized chair's arm, was rigid and stiff. The glow from the fire reflected off the tears forming in her eyes and the trails the shed ones had taken. She didn't bother to wipe them away to hide the evidence. She didn't care about that or anything at the moment. In her mind, she never would.
The letter that she had received was in her lap, its contents facing down. Lily couldn't stand to look at it anymore. She had already memorized its words...
Dear Lily,
I really hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but your grandmother Evans has just passed away. Apparently she died of a heart attack, but the doctors say that there were some other factors that may have resulted in her death. We've cut our cruise short in order to plan her funeral, which will take place over your Easter holiday. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I know how much you loved her.
Also, your father and I are going through some extremely difficult times at the moment. Actually, we have been for a while. We've tried our hardest to put on happy faces when you come home, because we're so happy to see you and we want nothing to ruin your summer. We really did try to work things out, and this cruise was our last attempt to salvage our marriage. But your grandmother's death brought in to sharp relief just how short life is, and forced us to think about whether or not we'd be happier leading separate lives. Judging by the fact that you're a smart girl, I assume you know what this means. Lily, your father and I have decided to get a divorce.
We know how hurt you must be, and how angry. But please understand, we want this. What we don't want is for you to blame yourself. This has nothing to do with you or the fact that you're away for most of the year. Please understand that.
I'm sorry, Lily, this all must come as a shock to you, but had you been here, you probably would've seen the signs and knew it was coming, as Petunia has no doubt told you in her numerous letters.
We'll see you over Easter holiday!
With much love and sorrow,
Mother
Lily sat staring at the fire, silently loathing her parents. What a cheery letter to send their daughter: Sorry, but your grandma's dead. Oh, and by the way, we're getting divorced. See you at the funeral! How could her parents do this? How could they? Lily realized that probably the only reason they stayed together in the first place was because of her and Petunia. So basically they led miserable lives just to make us happy. That sure makes me feel better, she thought.
What she really hated was that her parents thought that this had nothing to do with her. As if it didn't affect her life in the least. Lily snorted through her tears. If they thought this didn't affect her life in any way, they were in for a rude awakening.
And her grandmother…Lily remembered being seven years old and sitting on her grandma's lap, thinking, When I grow up, I'm gonna be a grandma, and I'm gonna love my little grandkids just as much as my grandma loves me. Lily loved her grandmother dearly. The only real time she got to see her was at Christmas, and now, the one time she missed it, her grandmother died. Lily shut her eyes, trying not to picture her grandmother lying in coffin.
So now, not only was her beloved grandmother dead, her parents were getting a divorce, her sister hated her, and her enemy liked her. What kind of world was Lily living in?
Lily's eyes glittered with tears as she sat there, staring at the fire, wishing with all her might that she could muster up her strength and jump in and just burn. It may help stop the pain she was feeling inside.
She sat there for a long time before she heard the Heads' portrait door open. Lily willed herself to become invisible just so she could evade notice and questioning. But instead, the person walked slowly and quietly up behind her and stopped, staring into the flames over her. After a little while, they sat down next to her, yet continued to be silent. Lily stayed still and silent the whole time, not daring to look at the other person. She had already known who it was from the moment they entered the room. It was as though she could sense him, ever since that day.
Lily suddenly felt a blanket wrap itself around her shoulders. She kept still, seemingly ignoring its presence. James's voice spoke. "Evans - Lily, what happened?"
Lily neither could nor would tell him. Instead, she thrust the letter into James's hands without looking at him. As he read, she felt him grip her shoulder in a protective sort of way. He looked at Lily with sad eyes, only to watch a tear make its way slowly down her porcelain face.
Lily could feel his gaze on her, yet it didn't unnerve her as it had before. Instead, she felt nothing but sadness and anger at her parents and at herself. The three seemed to share the blame for all of this.
"Lily?" James said, but Lily kept her face away from him. "Are you okay?"
"Okay...? Do I look okay to you?" She asked calmly, quietly, her eyes still on the fire. Not waiting for an answer, Lily continued. "My grandmother's dead, Potter. She's gone. I'll never see her again. And my parents are getting a divorce. My family is falling apart before my eyes, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's gone. My family is gone. Does that sound 'okay' to you? I mean, what am I gonna do when I graduate, before I get a job? Who will I stay with? I can't choose between my mum or my dad, they're both my parents! Where am I gonna go?"
James seemed a bit overwhelmed, but he soon regained his composure. He contemplated his answer. "Don't you have a sister? I thought I heard you talking about her a few days ago..."
Lily turned her head toward him and laughed coldly and humorlessly. "Well, you obviously eavesdropped on the wrong part of the conversation. Petunia despises me. She's no sister or anything else to me." Her eyes once again found the fire.
James' hand remained on her shoulder as he gazed at her. "I'm sorry, Lily." he said quietly.
At this, Lily lost it. "For what?" she asked viciously, shaking her shoulder loose from his grasp and standing up, the blanket falling from her frame. "You're not sorry! You don't even care! You don't care that the only family member who ever really cared about me is dead, that my parents are splitting up, that my sister hates me, that I'm alone here on Christmas, that I'm seventeen and am now responsible for finding a place to stay for the next odd years, or anything! So stop pretending that you do, 'cuz that's what I hate about this world! It's full of bloody assholes who act like they care just to get what they want, when in reality, they don't give a shit! I hate it! I wish this would all just go away!"
Lily stood there, enraged, her fists clenched at her sides. James just looked up at her with sympathy written all over his face. After a few seconds, Lily's knees gave way, and she collapsed into her previous position. Only this time, Lily bit her lip to stop it from trembled as tears fell rapidly from her bloodshot eyes. Yet she continued to stare into the fire as though nothing had happened.
Finally, James broke the silence. "It's gonna be okay, you know." He said quietly, his gaze following hers into the fire.
Lily turned her head to face him. "It's not. I never even got to say good bye to her. And now I'll never see her again. And my parents…what if they start hating each other, and they can never be in the same room together again? I don't think I can deal with them fighting, let alone with any of this…" Lily whispered, her voice dying away.
James eyes found hers once again, and this time, Lily just stared at him, her tears falling freely. After a few moments, James brought his hand up to wipe one of Lily's tears away. Lily recoiled slightly, not wanting to be touched, not wanting to have to notice her tears. Her eyes left his and found the floor.
James' hand stopped several inches from her face, almost as if asking permission to come any closer. When Lily continued to stare at the floor, he cupped her cheek in his palm and wiped a tear away with his thumb. Lily looked at him, her eyes filled with pain and sadness. Then, quite suddenly, she collapsed against him, sobbing uncontrolable. He seemed to be a bit prepared though, because he wrapped his arm around her waist and stroked her back gently. Lily was so lost in her tears that she didn't notice.
Lily cried there for a very long time, gripping James' shirt, trying to hold onto something real. Her world was collapsing before her. She was so lost.
By the time the fire began to die down, Lily had cried herself to sleep, her head resting on James's chest and her hand still gripping his shirt. At least in her dreams, she would be safe from the pain.
And don't let him go, don't let him go
Sunlight streamed in through the common room windows, illuminating everything in its path. As it fell across her face, Lily's eyes opened slightly. She blinked a few times, adjusting her eyes to the bright beams of light. She lifted her hand up and gently rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
Lily felt James stir beneath her and it hit her: she had spent the whole night sleeping on top of James' with his arm wrapped around her.
Ohhhh, bloody hell, Lily thought, praying that James didn't wake up. How am I gonna get out of this? Maybe if I sneak away quietly…Please don't wake up, please don't wake up… Lily gingerly tried pulling James' arm away, but that didn't seem to work too well. He shifted slightly before her, and Lily froze. She closed her eyes tight as she heard him groan. He rubbed his eyes slightly. Wonderful, the idiot woke up, Lily thought. Now he's gonna notice that I'm laying on top of him, not even attempting to move. Brilliant. Just bloody brilliant.
James apparently did notice that Lily was still on top of him, but he mistook her stillness as a sign that she was still asleep. He sat up a bit and ran his fingers gently through her mussed yet still silky tresses. Lily froze, completely caught off guard by this sudden act of near-affection.
Of course, it took her 2 seconds to remember that James was Prongs, who liked her, that her friends were away with their families, that Christmas had come and gone, and that yesterday…
It hit her hard. Waves of grief spread over her, blocking all emotion but sorrow. Lily shut her eyes tight, praying that tears wouldn't overcome her. They didn't. Lily was numb with shock and grief. It seemed that she had cried more tears than she had last night. Last night…
Lily remembered James coming in and trying to comfort her. Was he? He seemed to only bring her more sorrow that night. Had she been left to her own devices, Lily would have probably stayed in front of the fire all night, tears streaming down her face. Instead, she spent the night asleep on top of James Potter, sobbing the whole way through.
How dare he barge right into her problems like that? How rude. Lily's mind blazed with the anger that she normally felt toward Potter. He was no different. Lily had thought that he had changed somehow, but he hadn't. James Potter was still an egotistic asshole, and he always would be.
But he did try to comfort you, the devious and hated side of Lily's brain said. Would you have made it through the night if he hadn't? Would you even be alive now? Lily silently shot curses at herself, trying to rid her mind of these plaguing thoughts. But there was no getting around it: James Potter, the bane of her existence, had helped her when no one else had. He was actually being…nice. So he was changing after all. It seemed that he was more pleasant and caring. Lily sighed. She liked it better when he was an egotistic asshole. Life was so much easier then.
Lily realized too late that sighing when you're pretending to be asleep isn't a good idea. Apparently, James had realized that Lily was awake, and he sat up gently. There goes running away before he woke up, Lily thought. She moved away from him a bit and looked up at him carefully, almost guarded. He just looked down at her, almost as if see if she was really there. After a minute, he asked, "You okay?"
Lily bit her lip. Was she okay? Would she ever really be okay? Yes, she decided. Someday. She was still in a state of shock, and it would take time for her to get over it. But…Lily knew that someday, she would get over it. "I guess…" She said, looking down.
"You're sure?" James asked gently.
Lily nodded. The logical side of her brain was screaming curses at James. Stop acting like you care! You don't! You're not really here, this, all of this, it isn't real. Stop acting like you care! Lily shut her eyes and tried to silence her thoughts. Because as much as she hated to admit it, that hated, devious part of her brain was right: without James, she wouldn't have been able to say that she was ok. Ever.
James ran his fingers through his hair. "C'mon." He said, turning toward the portrait door.
In a sudden burst of curiosity, Lily called after him, "Where're you going?"
"To the kitchens." When Lily looked at him oddly, he chuckled. "I know you're hungry. You skipped dinner and your stomach was rumbling all night." Lily blushed slightly. Wait, why the hell am I blushing? Her brain screamed. Lily mentally slapped herself. No way was she going to with Potter. She needed to get away from him. Far, far away.
Lily's stomach rumbled loudly. Damn traitor, Lily thought angrily.
James turned around. "You coming or what?" he asked.
Lily sighed heavily. "Fine." She walked up to James, who grinned slightly and continued out the portrait door.
The two walked in silence for a while, until James asked, "So how are you?"
Lily thought this was a rather stupid question. Um, hello, my family's falling apart! "...I'm ok." She said at last.
"Really?" was the reply.
"Yes."
"I think you're lying."
"I think I'm not."
"Why don't you tell me how you really feel?"
"Because I don't want to."
"Why not?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Just because." Lily said, getting annoyed with the conversation.
"I think I know why."
"Oh, really?"
"Yup." James said. "I think it's cuz you don't want to admit that I helped you feel better last night. I think that you're angry at yourself for letting me comfort you."
Lily looked at him, alarmed. "That's scary."
"What?" James asked, stopping.
Lily continued walking. "Nothing." She said.
James laughed. "You mean that I actually seem to know what you're thinking?" He asked, catching up to her easily. When Lily didn't reply, James said, I know you better than you think."
Lily's eyes darted to him, yet she remained silent. "What?" he asked.
"Nothing. I was just thinking...this reminds me of a muggle song I used to like when I was little."
"Oh yeah? What song?" James asked.
"I don't know what it's called. It's a bit old." Lily replied.
"Then sing it."
"No."
Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I asked you to."
"And your point?"
"My point is that I'm so unbelievably good looking that you just can't stand to not cater to my every whim." James replied, his eyes glittering. He stopped in front of the entrance to the kitchens.
"Riiiiiiiight." Lily said. James pouted. "Ugh, fine, but I'm not gonna sing the whole thing." She said, aggravation showing on her face.
James waited a second. "So sing."
Lily's eyes blazed. "It a rest. God, just wait a second." she said. She then closed her eyes, took a breath and began to sing...
If you could read my mind, love
What a tale my thoughts would tell
Just like a paper-back novel
The kind the drugstore sells
When you reach the part where the heartaches come
The hero would be you
The heroes all pull through
And you won't read that book again
Cuz the pages bend and you just can't put 'em back
Lily opened her eyes and saw James staring at her. "What?" she asked.
"Nothing, you're just a really good singer." James replied.
"Thanks." Lily said, looking at the floor. James laughed. "What?" Lily asked again.
"The song said, 'if you could read my mind'. I guess I can."
"Oh really? And how is it that you can read my mind?"
"I guess you're just easy to predict." was the reply.
"Thanks." Lily said, crossing her arms across her chest. Her stomach gave a loud rumble. James continued his laughing. "Oh, shut up." Lily said. "Just go in, I'm starving." and with that, she shoved James unceremoniously into the kitchens and slammed the door.
-Smiles- I'm sorry, but I love the ending of this chapter. I don't know why, but the idea of James laughing himself into oblivion is just so appealing.
The song there is one of my favorites. I guess it's 'cuz it describes me a little bit. I don't know who it's by, or even what it's called, but I love it just the same. That said, I DON'T OWN IT.
Well, hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did!
Pleas, please, PLEASE review! (Great, now I'm begging. See what I've been reduced to?)
Hugs and fuzzles
MM360