Marissa woke up to him beside her again. This was getting so far out of control that sometimes she felt that her mind was disconnected from her body. It was like she was floating, watching herself from a distance. She didn't want to be this person. She realised that she'd been using people all her life. She didn't ever intend to discard them, but it happened anyway.

Maybe it was her. There had to be something wrong with her, otherwise why would this keep happening, over and over? She just kept hurting the people around her, and that would make her feel more pain. She tried to shut down, block everything out, but it just wouldn't happen.

He tried to pull her closer, in his sleep. In her head, she was pulling further and further away. She had to make this work. She allowed him to pull her into him, trying to block out her unwanted thoughts. She wished she would just start to feel normal again. This couldn't be normal, what she was feeling now.

Alex woke up tangled up with someone whose name she couldn't even remember. No matter who the girls were, or less often, the guys, they couldn't make her forget. Nothing could make her forget. Marissa's drinking habit had become her habit now. Life was ironic that way. She doubted Marissa needed that, not now she was happy with him.

She left the bed silently, leaving the room before the girl woke up. She hated the morning, waking up feeling ten times worse than she had the night before. She still did it though, even though she realised how it would make her feel the next day. She felt like she was betraying Marissa every time, even though she knew she shouldn't. It wasn't like Marissa felt that way when she was with Ryan.

Too many walks along the beach lately were playing with her head. She knew it would make her think of Marissa; she'd always be associated with the beach now. But it wasn't doing Alex any good, thinking about it. Regretting the things she'd never said. Marissa had never said them, either, but the truth was Alex had never expected it from her.

Now she was living an empty life, filled with nameless, faceless people who didn't lessen her hurt. She wanted to be living outside of her dreams. Dreams were the only place where she felt real. Strange how that is sometimes. Memories of empty promises would taunt her while she was awake.

"I really wanted this to work between us."

That wasn't the first time Marissa had said that to her. The first time was the night of their first kiss. Only then it hadn't been in the past tense. It hadn't been accompanied by tears, but by a smile. Alex thought she meant it; thought that she'd hold to that. She'd seen Marissa at the bonfire, glancing back, just once more, over her shoulder. She'd been with Ryan, and Alex had to turn away once more.

She had been surprised by the jealousy, back when she first began to see her with him; it was an unfamiliar feeling for her. It was also something she didn't react well to. She regretted that, maybe if she'd just waited, then the whole scene at the bonfire wouldn't have happened. Maybe she'd be happy now.

The more she thought about everything, the more she wanted to go back to Newport and demand answers from Marissa. Because what had happened just didn't make sense to her. They had been so happy, well she had at least, and Marissa seemed to be too. She couldn't keep going on like this, that much she knew. She needed closure, and the only place she was going to find it was with Marissa.

Marissa was at school, for the second time in two weeks. Whenever someone asked why she wasn't going, she couldn't answer them properly. Eventually, they'd stopped asking her. She hated being here. The questions about Alex, she hadn't been able to answer. They'd given up asking about that, too.

Ryan was still oblivious. He had to know something was off with their relationship, it was clear to everyone who saw them together. There was something lacking, and he was the only person who didn't appear to realise it. Marissa used to think that they were one of those couples who would always be together, no matter what. One of those couples who were meant to be. Then she met Alex, and all of those illusions were shattered with one glance. If she was "meant to be" with anybody it was Alex. Then it fell apart, and it left more than her illusions shattered this time. When she thought about the future, when the thoughts came to her unbidden, she still imagined Alex to be a part of it.

The future she wanted involved Alex in every sense of the word. She was starting to hate herself more for being such a coward. Her feelings had been cast aside, and for what? So she could be in a relationship that was more socially acceptable? That wasn't right. She wasn't supposed to care what people thought of her.

The number of times she had dialled Alex's number, to get scared at the last moment was rapidly increasing. She couldn't imagine that Alex would want to speak to her after the way she had treated her. She'd deleted the number from her phone, to make it feel as though she had done something to cut her off from Alex. The truth was, though, that the number was imprinted in her memory, just like every other little thing that was associated with Alex.

She thought about going to see Alex, sometimes. When the lies she had in place slipped away and the thoughts were going through her head no matter how much alcohol she consumed to try and stop them. She didn't know what she'd say to her. She wanted to say all the things she should have said, but she knew even if she did make it to Alex's, all she'd be able to do was freeze. She wouldn't be able to force all of those words out of her mouth, and Alex would turn away from her once again.

She'd been doodling absentmindedly on her notebook, the letters spelling out Alex's name, just like they always did. Noticing Summer glancing at the pages, she turned the ones with Alex's name on them over, the same way she tried to turn the thoughts of her away. She was living a lie, and right now, she felt powerless to stop it.

" Call her," said Summer, noticing Marissa's haste in turning over the pages of her notebook. Summer wasn't fooled.

" I can't," said Marissa, " she won't want to talk to me."

" Of course she will, Coop. You miss her. You can deny it all you want, but I know you. She made you happy, and I want to see you happy. Call her."

" I won't," said Marissa. " It's too late."

" It's never too late."

" We've both moved on."

" You know that's a lie. You told me yourself."

" She's moved on. She moved out of this town so she wouldn't see me anymore. When she came back, she didn't even tell me she was coming. She was just going to leave again, and I wouldn't have known she was here."

" The only thing she had to come back for was you. Think about that."

Marissa looked away. She didn't want to be encouraged to think about Alex. It only hurt her. She hadn't known what if felt like to have your heart ripped out of your chest until she woke up without Alex beside her. Now what was she doing? Pretending she didn't need her, and failing miserably. Her lies weren't even slightly believable, except to the people that so desperately wanted them to be true that they were ignoring all the things that were wrong with it. Like he was. And sometimes, she was too, desperately trying to cling to her lies.