Part 7

Marissa dialled Alex's number for the 8th time in the past five minutes. Every time she got to the last number, she'd freeze. The same way she stopped in her tracks every time she thought of Alex, feeling overwhelmed. She was finally trying to do what she should have done the night Alex left. Trying, but not succeeding. She didn't think she could handle it if Alex rejected her. What if she had moved on? What if she'd found someone who actually deserved her?

Finally pressing that last button, having taken a deep breath to calm herself, she waited for the phone to ring. She was greeted with Alex's voicemail. Unable to bring herself to leave a message, having no idea of what she could say, she snapped the phone shut.

Alex was in Newport again. The first place she'd gone to was the beach, something seeming to draw her there. This wasn't closure, this was opening up old feelings even more. It wasn't what she came here for. She sat down in that spot, the one where this whole thing had started, officially at least. She'd been falling from the moment they met.

She watched the ocean, the tides being pulled one way or another, with no choice in the matter. That's how she felt about Marissa, like she pulled her towards her, no matter how she tried to resist. She didn't have any option but to return to Marissa. She thought Jodie had had a hold over her. That was before Marissa, and it was after that she learnt what someone having a hold over you really meant.

It was dark, the only light coming from what appeared to be a large distance. Alex liked the dark. It meant she could hide. She'd never needed to before. She had always been the one in the spotlight, but now she just wanted to stay in the dark, where she could create her own world and there was no light to show her that it wasn't real.

Marissa was lying in bed, the moonlight shining through the window, causing shadows to dance on the wall. She reached into the drawer beside her bed, pulling out the flask that she hadn't even glanced at during her time with Alex. Taking a long drink from it, she leaned back against her pillows.

She picked up her phone again. No, she wouldn't leave a drunken message on the answer phone. She thought about writing a letter, but she'd have nowhere to send it to. She wished she knew where Alex was, wondering if she was thinking of her too. Looking out at the clear night sky, she slowly stood up, and got dressed.

Wandering slightly unsteadily along the beach, the tears that were becoming so common running down her face again, she walked blindly towards her destination. Her eyes on the floor, she didn't notice that there was someone there until she crashed into them.

Alex had heard someone approach, but she ignored them in the hope she'd be left alone. She was surprised to find someone crash into her behind, and turned, to be met with Marissa's tearstained face. Not thinking about her actions, she drew her into a comforting embrace, unaware she was the source of Marissa's pain.

They stood there for a long time, not saying a word. Alex began to pull away from Marissa. What she had wanted to say to her could wait. Marissa resisted, trying to keep Alex close to her. Alex relented, letting herself be pulled back towards Marissa. She was already letting the girl break her heart all over again. When was it that she became such an emotional masochist? Her attempt at closure was really working out now, she thought to herself sarcastically.

Marissa pulled away, looking into Alex's eyes.

" I'm sorry," she said.

" No problem," replied Alex, waving it off.

Marissa shook her head, saying, "No, I'm sorry for what I did to you."

" I think we covered this already," said Alex, her words coming out a little harsher than she intended.

Marissa looked down for a second, and then raised her eyes to meet Alex's once more. Taking a deep breath, she reached for Alex's hands. Alex flinched, and pulled them away.

Marissa looked hurt. Alex looked away. She couldn't go through this again.

" I mean it, Alex."

Alex's eyes remained fixed on the ground.

" Please look at me," said Marissa, her words coming out as if she were choking on them. Alex raised her head, her eyes colder than Marissa ever remembered them being.

" I love you," she said, still looking into Alex's eyes.

Alex exhaled, she hadn't been aware she'd been holding her breath. Shutting her eyes, and then opening them to look at Marissa once more, she said quietly, " You couldn't have told me that before? Before you broke my heart? You can't do this, Marissa. You can't just tell me you love me and expect everything to be okay. It doesn't work like that."

" I know," said Marissa. " I know, okay? I need you, Alex."

" That's why you're with him, is it?" She refused to say his name. He had to be something that wasn't quite solid, so that his presence hurt her less.

" I don't want him. I want you."

" You had me. And you let me go. You went back to him, like I meant nothing to you. And now you tell me you love me, need me, want me?"

" Yes," said Marissa in a low tone.

" I know I hurt you. But, let me fix it. Please."

" I can't do it, Marissa. I can't do that over again. Sure, you want me now. But what about when you decide you want him again?"

" He's nothing to me," said Marissa, her eyes still pleading.

" And apparently I wasn't either. You can't fix it, Marissa. I don't even know if it can be fixed."

" Let me try. Don't walk away from me again, Alex."

Alex looked at her.

" This time, I'm sorry. But I just can't do it. I came here to ask you why you left me for him. So I would stop analysing it. But I'm really not seeing any answers, and I'm don't think you are either. I can't live like that, Marissa. When you're sure of what you want, and you're not drunk, then I'll listen to you again. But right now is not the time."

Alex turned and walked away from Marissa once more. What she wasn't expecting, however, was the hand pulling her back.

" No, Alex. I swore I wouldn't let you walk away from me again if I had another chance. We can take this slowly."

" I can't move back here, Marissa, not right now. When I say slowly, I mean really slowly. We start right at the beginning, no rushing into anything this time."

Marissa smiled, her first genuine smile since Alex had left.

" Whatever you want is fine with me."

Alex nodded. " Good. I should be getting back home," she said, " We can talk later."

" Okay," said Marissa, not showing the way she was feeling inside. Happy, but disappointed at the same time. She knew this was going to be hard; there was no perfect solution to fix people who have fallen apart. But she wanted to try.

Alex smiled weakly at Marissa before turning and walking back up the beach. This time, she was going to be sure. Before she got burned again.

Marissa followed Alex's footsteps in the sand a little while later. Her lies were falling apart around her, but she didn't care. She knew she would, in the harsh light of day, when she had sobered up, but right now she felt like she was floating.