The dial tone sounded harsh against Alex's ear as she contemplated whether she should call Marissa or not. What was she supposed to say to her? Deciding maybe she should just go with it, she dialled the number that she knew so well. It made her think of all the times she'd call Marissa, and fall asleep while talking to her on the phone. That was before Marissa had moved in, before things had got complicated.

Alex hated that word. She liked things to be simple, and readable. Marissa was neither of those things, which made Alex wonder why she had begun to feel so deeply for her so quickly. She was everything Alex had never wanted; yet everything she wanted at the same time. A contradiction, and Alex had never been a fan of those until her.

The phone rang, each ring seeming longer than the last. Alex let it continue for longer than she normally would have, hoping that eventually it would be picked up. It didn't happen, and she put the phone down slowly, the silence seeming odd to her ears. It was deafening, in that understated way that hurt so much.

This wasn't going to be easy, Alex knew that. But she never knew that it was going to be quite this hard. Their relationship had been easy, at the beginning. Right up until the end, in fact. Then it had been a little awkward, but Alex thought they could work through it. She never thought it would be the end. It made it harder for her, in that she hadn't really seen it coming, not until it was too late.

Marissa looked at the clock. Two hours until he'd be here. Two hours and she was regretting each minute that passed. 1 hour and 59 minutes until she'd have to pretend to be happy. 1 hour and 57, 56, 55…

She looked away from the clock, and back at the empty photo frames on her bedside table. Gritting her teeth, she looked away from them and raised her eyes to the ceiling, trying to relax. The more she tried, the tenser she became, her breathing laboured despite her lack of activity.

The phone rang, startling her from her thoughts. Knowing without even checking that it was her, she didn't move. The familiar paralysis was setting in again, and she was frozen on her bed, unable to reach out her arm and pick up the phone. The ringing persisted, each ring making Marissa feel guiltier for ignoring it. As she finally reached out a hand to pick it up, the ringing stopped suddenly. She sank back onto her bed. 1 hour and 45 minutes…

This count down was supposed to be an "I can't wait until he gets here." Wasn't that the way these things were supposed to be? Instead it was an "I'm dreading it more and more every second that it becomes closer, and I'll be counting down the moments 'til it's over." Marissa closed her eyes, slipping into her own world once more. Things there were always perfect, but then she'd open her eyes, the disappointment overbearing.

1 hour and 30 minutes, and she looked and felt like hell. It had been a day since she'd seen Alex, and she was missing her already. When Alex had touched her, it had made her feel like everything was going to be okay. He had protected her once, but he'd never made her feel safe the way that Alex did. The numbers on the alarm clock glowed, blinking as another minute passed. 1 hour and 29 minutes. Alex didn't leave a message, Marissa wondered why.

She shook the thoughts off. That didn't matter now. She had to pretend, for her sake and his. There was no way this was going to work otherwise. She thought he would always be her first love, and last love. Maybe he still held the title of first, but last would always belong to Alex, and Marissa was left wishing that it had been Alex that she met first. Maybe then they'd still be together now. What ifs were no good, Marissa had always hated them. They gave her the opportunity to analyse all of her bad choices, to think about all her regrets.

1 hour and 20 minutes. She should take a shower. She didn't want to move, the sheets somehow comforting to her. She pushed them back off of her, moving slowly to the bathroom. There, she looked in the mirror, her eyes critical. Alex had made her feel beautiful. He made her feel like she was only there for his pleasure, and beyond that, she was irrelevant. Maybe that was an unfair assessment of the situation, but she couldn't help the way he made her feel.

The water was cold when it was first switched on, the same as Marissa's skin. It had been cold ever since Alex had pulled out of their embrace at the beach, and now her touch seemed so far away, as if it were part of another lifetime. Marissa bit down hard on her lip to stop the threatening tears from spilling from her eyelids. Resting her head against the cold tiles, she breathed deeply, before looking up and practising her fake smile. It faltered, the same way Marissa faltered every time she thought of Alex. And every time she thought of him, even if it was in a different way.

She was ready, at least physically. Emotionally, she'd never be able to prepare herself for this. But she had to do it; she was determined to make it work. Without thinking about lost moments this time. She had to start living in the moment, even if it made her feel like she wasn't living at all, simply existing.

Marissa had always thought that existing and living were different things, and the only time she'd truly felt that she was living was during her time with Alex. It was no good reaching out for something that was gone, she told herself. Time to start living in the present.

She checked the clock again, the numbers adding to the low level of light in the room. Twenty minutes to go. Time to start living in the light again. She flicked the lamp on, the glow making her squint for a moment. She'd been spending so much time in the dark lately that light seemed too bright to her eyes.

15 minutes. He was early. The doorbell rang, and even though she knew she couldn't ignore it, for a moment she didn't move. At the door, he leaned in to kiss her, and she avoided his lips, so they landed on her cheek. He looked a little puzzled, but in his mind, waved it off. It couldn't be him; it must be something else.

" You weren't in school today," he said.

" Wasn't feeling well," she responded shortly. She turned and walked away from the door, not checking to see if he was following. She didn't return to her bedroom this time, the thought of his hands touching her sickening. They were too big, too rough, too forceful. They didn't fit with her own the way Alex's did. He was beginning to notice something wasn't quite right. That scared Marissa; it meant her lies were beginning to crumble around her.