Even though he looked concerned, she didn't think the concern was about her. It was about what she could do for him, in some ways it always had been with him. She didn't understand how he could be her "safe" option and still make her feel like she was being pulled apart from the inside.
Being with Alex had been terrifying; not because of Alex, but because of the way Marissa had felt like she had no control over her feelings. She hated to feel that way, that's why she drank. Numbing those feelings, in a way, made her feel that she was controlling them. Eventually, though, it didn't work anymore. It was something she came used to feeling, and suddenly there wasn't a difference anymore. Everything blurred together, becoming part of the same thing.
She didn't like the way he was looking at her, like he was undressing her with his eyes. When Alex had looked at her like that she'd enjoyed the attention, craved it even. When he did it, she wanted to turn away from him, and never look back into those eyes. Even when he told her he loved her, his eyes still seemed so cold and empty to Marissa.
She was letting him touch her again, his hands even rougher than usual. His frustration was clear in his touch, but she didn't care. All she could think about was her, and the beach. What she was doing now wasn't right. It wasn't comforting like it should be. The discomfort that she was feeling went unnoticed. She had to stop this, but it seemed like she had forgotten how.
He was whispering into her ear now, the words blurring together so they didn't make sense, his voice sounding too harsh. Tears formed in her eyes, and she blinked them back, turning her head slightly so that he wouldn't see. He was pulling back to look at her now, his face questioning. She didn't have answers to any of his questions. She didn't even have answers to all of her own questions.
She shook her head slightly, forcing that smile onto her face, making sure her expression didn't slip into that grimace that she felt like making. She asked him what he had said, and her told her it wasn't important. He wasn't important. They weren't important.
Everyone used to think they'd always be this perfect couple, but Marissa had always lacked conviction, even at the beginning. He'd never been quite right, their relationship was never stable. She should have known there was no chance for them after the first time around. Now she was back for a second attempt, and all it was doing was reminding her of all the reasons that it shouldn't be happening.
She closed her eyes. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately when she was with him. It was almost as if, if she didn't have to look at him, his presence was further away. It made it easier for her to think about other things.
Alex was above her, smiling softly at her before biting her lip and pressing her weight down further. It felt like they fit together perfectly, their legs entangled with each other. Alex brushed a lock of hair away from Marissa's face, Marissa smiling at the gesture. She leaned up to press her lips gently against Alex's, the kiss deepening almost immediately.
His hands were tangled roughly in her hair, almost to the point of hurting her. His eyes drifted back to her face, her eyes shut, her breathing heavy. He smiled before moving back down her body, kissing from her neck towards her upper chest.
Alex's lips were soft against her neck, exploring every inch of her body, as if she were worshipping every part of it. Marissa tilted her head back, inhaling sharply at the feel of Alex's hot lips against her cool skin. Alex pulled back, offering her a brief smile before moving her hands further down Marissa's body, reaching for the button of her jeans.
His lips were too rough, the slight stubble on his chin from where she hadn't shaved in a while making her feel increasingly uncomfortable. His hands were moving quickly down her body towards to remove her skirt. He had never taken things slowly, and the pace he moved at only served to increase Marissa's hatred of these experiences.
Yet she still did it. She still let him come here, knowing what would happen. And after he left, she'd spent the night huddled in the corner, the empty bottles surrounding her. She'd try to drink it away, and she'd fall asleep only to dream of Alex.
The clothes being peeled away from her skin made her feel exposed. She didn't want to be that way with him. He was ignoring the fact that things weren't right. Maybe he thought if he ignored it, they could just carry on as they were. Maybe what they had now was enough for him.
She had to bite her lip hard to keep from calling out Alex's name as she gripped the sheets, hating her body for reacting to his touch. When he eventually drew away from her, she brought her finger to her lips, feeling the stickiness of fresh blood there. He made her feel like she was bleeding on the inside, now she had the blood on the outside to match.
He got dressed in the dark, kissing her goodbye quickly before leaving. He wasn't supposed to have been here tonight, and he'd had to leave. She felt used, but it didn't matter, since she was using him too. She couldn't seem to stop using him, in fact. She wished they'd never met. She wished she didn't have someone like him to hide behind. But no matter how much she wished, it was still true, and she didn't know how to stop this from spiralling out of control the way it was at the moment.
When her lies eventually completely fell apart, everyone would fall apart with them. That's what people did. They existed, and then they fell apart. All the lies did was delay it a little.
When Marissa returned from the bathroom, where she had spent hours trying to scrub the feel of him off of her skin, she saw the light on her phone blinking. There was a message on her machine. She pressed the button, half of her intensely hoping it was Alex, and the other half of her hoping that it wasn't. Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard Alex's voice.
"I called you earlier, but you obviously weren't here. I don't want you to think that I just said I would call and then I forgot about it.. I really want us to talk again, Rissa. I miss you."
The phone beeped again, signifying the end of the message. Alex sounded more nervous than Marissa had ever heard her. It didn't seem right to be hearing her speak, so unsure of herself. Marissa stared at the phone, before reaching out and replaying the message, letting Alex's words sink in.
Alex was also staring at her phone, willing it to ring. Maybe Marissa really had been too drunk to remember what she had said on the beach. Maybe she didn't want to talk to Alex after all. Alex hadn't known what to say when she had phoned earlier, and she couldn't say even half of what she had wanted to. Truth be told, she had wanted to tell Marissa that she loved her too, but she knew it was neither the right time nor the right way to do so.
She sighed deeply, flicking the light switch off as she slammed the front door behind her, heading for the beach. She was becoming pathetic, she thought to herself, staring at the phone and waiting for Marissa to phone. Even from miles away, Marissa still had an amazingly powerful influence on Alex's actions.
Ever since their talk at the beach, Alex had been torn. One half of her, the half of her that had believed it before, wanted to believe every word that Marissa had said. The other half of her kept reminding her that Marissa had said all those things before, and it hadn't worked out that time, so why should it work out this time?
She hadn't gone home with anybody since, though, having become more hopeful that Marissa would want her back. Even if it was only a tiny bit of hope, it was more than Alex had had before, and now she was clinging to it as if her life depended on it. In some ways it did.
Marissa pulled the duvet over her head, in a superficial attempt to block out the world. Her phone seemed to be taunting her as the light kept flashing. She hadn't deleted Alex's message, needing to hear her voice again. She fell into an uneasy sleep thinking of Alex's words and imagining Alex's touch. She had to replace his touch on her skin somehow, and the long showers weren't enough.
When Alex reached the beach, she sat down, closer to the sea than she usually sat. She watched as the waves crashed against the rocks further out, and lay down in the sand, looking at the stars outlined in the sky above her. The night was clear, like it always was here. Here was where she came in search of a little clarity. She was beginning to think she'd never find it, because this place allowed her to think, and thinking always made things murkier, not clearer. Drawing her knees up to her chin, she sat there like that until the sun rose in the sky, and then she stood up and walked away. She felt calmer now, like she had hoped she would.
Marissa woke up, her tension apparent in every part of her body. She closed her eyes again. She couldn't face going outside today. Her lies were more stable when she didn't have to go anywhere or see anyone. She needed something stable, and the fact that it happened to be her lies made her want to forget all about stability, but she couldn't.