She was my saviour and the person that finally broke me all wrapped into one,
She was the one I'd always been waiting for but never wanted to come
She didn't hesitate to make me fall and then break my heart
The crazy thing is that even with my broken heart I still love her
She was the person that I thought I could never have, but wanted anyway,
She was the one I'd always been searching for but never wanted to find
But when she took my hand, she took my heart and broke it into two
The crazy thing is that even with my broken heart I still love her
She was the one who was so good for me, and bad at the same time
She was the one I'd always been hoping for, but never thought was real
When she kissed me on my lips I couldn't help but fall even harder
The crazy thing is that even with my broken heart I still love her
When I walked away from her lies I couldn't look back to see her move on
She was the one who let me turn away from her, but I didn't want her to
She didn't hesitate to make me fall and then break my heart
The crazy thing is even with my broken heart I still love her
Alex was still sleeping restlessly, her thoughts distracting, and painful like shards of broken glass. She found that an apt description of the way she felt, since it was like she had been shattered into pieces. She didn't realise that this kind of pain could be worse than physical pain until now. It was times like these when she missed Marissa the most, when she couldn't sleep. She slipped in and out of consciousness, and that was when her thoughts were at their least censored.
She slipped out of bed, walking into the bathroom and splashing cold water on her face. The contrast of the cold water against her hot skin made her wince, but she did it again because it made her feel more alive, somehow. Then the feeling faded away, and all she was left with was the numb pain she had been feeling ever since she came here.
She looked in the mirror, droplets of water clinging to her skin so that it seemed even paler in the dim light of the bathroom. She was beginning to hate the reflection staring out at her from the mirror. It reminded her of how she couldn't smile. She looked tired, and she knew it was because she hadn't been sleeping.
Closing her eyes and breathing in deeply, she reached for the light switch. She was standing in the dark again, but she'd been feeling like she was standing in the dark ever since she'd left. She thought, at the beach the other day, that there might be a chance for some light, but now she wasn't so sure. Marissa didn't follow through on what she said a lot of the time, Alex knew that. But she had never expected it to be something to do with her that Marissa wasn't following through with her.
She cursed her naivety. How could she have thought that this wouldn't fall to pieces sometime? It always did with her. How many more times would she have to go through this before she realised that it didn't ever get any better? It just hurt more and more each time, with each different person. Alex didn't want there to be someone else, ever. She just wanted what she and Marissa had had back.
She walked back into the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed with her head in her hands. It seemed the emotional pain she was feeling was manifesting itself physically, because her head hadn't stopped hurting in weeks. She lay down to sleep for the third time that night, her eyes being drawn to the phone again like it was a magnet, and she was metal. Of course it didn't ring. Marissa had probably gone back to her life with Ryan, pretending that she hadn't said any of those things that she had said. Pretending that they felt nothing for each other, and that she was in love with him.
The thought that he could touch her, and she couldn't made Alex feel sick. The thought had been taunting her for a long time, and she just couldn't shake it off. Somehow, she still thought of Marissa as "hers", even though they weren't together anymore.
Marissa was trying to work up the courage to say everything she needed to say, but all that was happening was that her eyes were drawn to the half empty bottle of vodka on her bedside table. Fake courage. It was the only kind that Marissa had ever had. She couldn't say it drunkenly, or it wouldn't be taken seriously. She couldn't say it sober because she just couldn't work up the nerve to do it.
She was counting down the seconds until he got here, and she wished she could slow time down. In fact, while she was thinking about the way that time worked, she was wishing she could just turn it back, to before all of this. To when she was happy, for the first time in her life. Before she threw it all away. Now all she could do was curse her stupidity. How could she have thought that she could make something work?
The door opened slowly, and he came through it, smiling. The smile faltered slightly when he saw the expression on her face, and the bottle of vodka next to her, but he quickly shook it off. He moved to greet her, but they were interrupted by the doorbell. Telling him to wait there, she went to answer it.
She came back a few minutes later, explaining that a lost person had been looking for directions, and then, biting her lip nervously, told him that she needed him to talk to him. His expression was unreadable.
" I can't do this anymore," she told him. " It isn't right."
" It feels right to me," he said, moving over to take her in his arms and whispering in her ear that he loved her.
She pulled away from his strong grasp, and shook her head.
" No, it doesn't. We both know it, Ryan."
" It's about her, isn't it?"
Marissa looked shocked, and began to shake her head. That was a step too far for her right now.
" Don't lie to me, Marissa. Her voice is on your machine, and from the way it crackles when you listen to it, you've been listening to it a hell of a lot lately." His voice was becoming louder and louder, as anger became the dominant emotion in his eyes.
Marissa opened her mouth. She was going to make excuses again, the same way she'd been doing with him all along.
He cut her off, holding up his hands.
" Don't, Marissa. Just…don't," he said.
He looked down at the floor, seeming to think very carefully about what he said next. The careless comment he threw out next made Marissa think again, though.
" I can make you forget about her," he said, moving closer to her again.
For a second, she let him, before pushing him away violently.
" No, you can't," she told him as he stumbled back.
She opened the door, indicating that he should leave. He left, slamming the door behind him.