DOM'S FEAR OF KITTENS (AMONG OTHER STORIES)
Disclaimer: I'm not claiming anything. I PLEAD THE FIFTH! Anyway, yeah, Kel, Dom, and anything of Tamora Pierce, Emily Rodda, Bill Watterson, Douglas Adams, and anyone else whose characters I might have used in this story don't belong to me! They belong to the people I just mentioned- Calvin- don't touch that improbability dr-!
A/N: Anything with an asterick or symbol (, #, or ) means that it's used in reference to other stories.)
Kel and Dom were making out in the woods one fine morning when they realized that there was something near them. They both ignored this and went back to the tedious task of kissing (A/N: Say that five times fast.). Suddenly, a kitten leaped out of the bushes and landed on Dom's head.
"SHIT! THERE'S A KITTEN ON MY HEAD! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" cried Dom as he rolled on the ground, still clinging to Kel. (A/N: Thanks for the suggestion Kira.)
Out of nowhere, King Lief of Deltora came swinging his sword and killed the kitty. Daine swooped down and then killed Lief. Jasmine came and killed Daine. Numair came and killed Jasmine. Then Numair died of a heart attack. Soon it became clear that the kitten had not been killed. Upon seeing the dead bodies the kitten died again. Then Queenclaw allowed the cat to live. Thom walked into the clearing.
"Tsk, tsk." Thom tsked. "I guess I've got a job again." Thom revived all the dead people, except Cleon, who hasn't died in this story yet, but knowing my morbid nature, he's bound to die soon.
Kel and Dom had walked to a more private, less dead-infested area of the wood to continue making out.
"Dom, I had no idea you were afraid of kittens!" Kel said.
"Um… I wasn't afraid. Simply-terrified. Yeah. Shit, that's not what I mean to say. I said, Um…clarified. Yes, I was clarifying that there was a kitten on my head. That's all. Okay? Got that?"
"Uh, Dom, there's a kitten over in the bushes." Kel pointed out.
"A kitten? Where!" Dom yelped.
"See, you are afraid of kittens. Don't worry." Kel soothed.
"NO I'M NOT! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! CAN'T YOU LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT ME?" Dom shouted. He stormed out of the woods, kicking a few kindergarteners out of the way.
Kel was very confused. "I had no idea Dom was afraid of kittens." Kel murmured to herself.
Meanwhile, Dom was flinching and sweating and crying in fetal position. He sucked his thumb, but then realized that it was bloody from Neal's penknife and started to progress from making out with a rock. Kel burst in to find Dom and a rock lying in a haystack, Dom's arms around the rock.
Upon seeing Kel burst in, Dom thrust the rock away from him and stood up. "Kel!" he said. Kel was very hurt inside, but didn't let Dom see. "AIIGGHHHH!" Kel screeched, flying to the moon. Then she grabbed pitchfork and swung it around, nearly cutting apart a tree.
The rock's feelings from the time Dom picked it up were as follows: 'Mmmmm. Ahhhh. Moannnn. Ow! What happened? Stupid human. AIIGGHHHH! This gives the indication that perhaps Kel and the rock were related.
Suddenly, Kel hit Cleon, who laughed. Kel smiled and began to poke many holes in him. Cleon just laughed and laughed. As people began to edge away and start talking about soothing drinks#, he stopped. Kel stared at him, and then he started to laugh maniacally like my sister does when she wants to annoy me and everyone else.
"Ha, haha!" He laughed. Kel killed Cleon. Thom didn't revive him again, because he hadn't been revived in the first place. Whatever. Anyway, Cleon died. And stayed dead. As in didn't rise again. Because Thom didn't revive him. Because I said so. Because I want Cleon to stay dead. As in didn't rise again. Because Thom-
At which point the powerful authoress is zapped by people who loathe repetition and redundancy. "I'm okay." I feebly yell from underneath a pile of celery. Ummm… yeah. anyway…
"And when the wind moans/Take me home, take me home." sang Annette, kissing the lion. (A/N: Sorry, that was what I was just writing for school right now.)
So Cleon died and Thom didn't revive him again, because he hadn't been revived in the first place. Whatever. Anyway, Cleon died. And stayed dead. As in didn't rise again. Because Thom didn't revive him. Because I said so. Because I want Cleon to stay dead. As in didn't rise again. Because Thom-
At this point the authoress cowers into the corner when the people who loathe repetition and redundancy attempt to attack her.
"RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!" shouted Dom, who looked at Cleon's body. Then Dom started vomiting. Jon held his head while he threw up. Dom kissed Neal on the head. Then he realized that his penknife was gone.
"ARRRGGHH!" Dom shouted. Then he realized that there was a kitten on his head. "SHIT! A KITTEN! ARRGGHH!" Hobbes suddenly broke down into tears.
Dom died of a heart attack, and Thom was too busy flirting with an ant to notice, so Kel died because Dom was dead. Then everyone died except for Marvin, because, after all, he's a Paranoid Android!
THE END
Notes:
: "King Lief of Deltora", Deltora Quest By Emily Rodda
: "Neal's Penknife", from my fanfiction When Neal is up too late ("So that's where it got to!")
: "Screeching and flying to the moon", from my fanfiction Modern Tortall.
#: "Edge away and talk about soothing drinks" is from Squire, by Tamora Pierce
: "Annette" was the character in one of my reading assignments
: "John held his head while he threw up" was from In the Hand of the Goddess, by Tamora Pierce
: Again, the penknife in When Neal is up too late
: "Hobbes," from the comic Calvin and Hobbes, by Bill Watterson
: "Marvin, the Paranoid Android" from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams