A/N: At the risk of sounding like Eminem, this is the part where the story breaks down. I know that Kevin was supposedly sober the night of the accident, but every "Kevin" I've ever known would not have been. Some of you won't like it, I understand that, but I felt this was a little more true to the "in crowd" I knew. It makes the rest of the story different, too (i.e. no lawsuit). Oh yeah, I wrote this part last spring, so I didn't know about that yet, anyway :-)
Chapter 3
Kevin could barely believe what he was hearing. He HAD gone to the party with her, but he certainly had not left with her. What had happened? What had he not been able to remember and why? With a confused and hurt look, he continued to stare at her. Finally he spoke. "I need to know everything, absolutely everything," he whispered.
"On the ride out we talked. That's when you told me about school. You were so excited to tell me. I reminded you that we had broken up months before, and I reminded you why we had broken up. You kept apologizing for being with her. I told you what I had told you before, you lied and you cheated. It was going to take more time. You suggested that maybe we'd have that time now that we would be able to see each other more often. I said we'd just have to wait and see. I couldn't promise anything." She looked at him before she continued the story. "We got there and you were the life of the party. Everyone was talking about the game and about how many scouts were talking about you. Someone asked if you had decided what you were going to do the next year. Someone else handed you a cup. You chugged the drink and announced that you would be playing baseball for the University of Arizona. You put your arm around me. Everyone stared. The girl who had come with Andy ran back toward the cars, away from the bonfire."
"Jenna McKay. Her name was Jenna McKay. We were supposed to go to prom that year," he said as he leaned forward, resting his chin in his hands.
"Anyway, Jenna McKay ran away from us and Andy followed her. You kept drinking. More than I'd ever seen you drink before. Every once in a while you'd come over to me and put your arm around me. You kissed me more than once. You just kept telling everyone that we were back together. You tried to get me to come into the woods with you. I told you that I didn't want to go. You couldn't understand why I didn't want to be with you. Finally I told you that I was seeing someone else. You asked how long I had been cheating on you. You started to yell that I was a liar and a whore."
"I called you a whore?"
"Yeah, you did. Then you grabbed my arm and pushed me against a tree. You were so strong and you held me so tightly. You had pulled me toward the woods, and we were away from everyone else. I was starting to get scared. You were so drunk and so angry. You kept getting more heated and you kept saying more terrible things. I don't even want to repeat them. I tried to wiggle out of your grip, but you just held me tighter. Then you slapped me across the cheek. I was really getting scared."
Somewhere during the story Kevin's chin dropped from his hands and he held his forehead instead. Certainly she wouldn't be lying to him about this, would she? Of course she wouldn't. He was beginning to understand what had happened.
"Finally, Andy came upon us. He pulled you away from me and held you back. You were still yelling. He was drunk, too, almost as drunk as you. I ran toward the rest of the group. I guess I must have been crying. Kate Jensen asked me if I was okay. I told her that I was leaving. She asked if she could get a ride back to town with me. She and I left. You left with Andy about two hours later. On the way to my house, he lost control of his car and you . . . "
"I know that part."
"So you see, I left you, you were looking for me. It was my fault, and after I found out later that you had been hurt, I didn't know what to say, how to face you, so I just didn't."
Kevin ran his hand through his hair and then he looked at her. He placed his hands on the wheels and moved toward her. He grabbed her hand and pulled her toward him. She fell into his lap. He turned her face toward his, tilted her chin upward, and kissed her. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him. She pushed back and stood.
"Kevin, what are you doing? I just told you that I am the reason you are sitting there. It was my fault."
"No, you aren't. I never even thought to blame you. At first I blamed Andy, I guess everyone did, but then I started to think about it. How many times had we been so dumb and driven around after we had been drinking? How many times had I been driving Andy? It was a terrible accident. It was my fault for making a really bad decision. It's taken me a really long time to admit that, maybe that was the first time I've ever said it to anyone." He led her to the bed. "I ruined the life I had planned. I think about it about a million times every day. Especially today. You're right, I should be playing ball. You should have been in the stands watching me. We should be living the dreams we had, the life we planned. But we aren't. And that is no one's fault but mine."
"Kevin," she tried to protest through the tears that had started falling.
"No, Beth, let me finish. I'm trying to make sense of my life now, and I think I'm doing okay. I thought I was doing okay. Most days I wake up from dreaming I'm running track or playing quarterback, or pitching, or simply taking a walk to what is now my reality. I pull myself into this chair, get ready for work in a bathroom with a special toilet, a special shower, a special sink, and special cabinets. I'm so damned tired of being special. Then, I spend my day doing a job that I do pretty well, but that I have no real qualifications to be doing.
"They hired me because they wouldn't have to pay me much and would even get a tax break for hiring a cripple. I'm basically a smartass to everyone I talk to, and then I go to physical therapy with a bunch of guys who, like me, are tying to get it all together. Then, I come home. Maybe I have dinner with my family; maybe I don't. Until recently I was dating someone, but it's not the same. Nothing is the same and it won't ever be again. It makes me so mad, so I act sulky and antisocial, but if I wanted to be social, there would probably be ten flights of stairs in my way.
"I see how it affects my family, how my dad can barely talk to me without this burning look of pity. I hear my mom cry when she thinks no one is around. There are never-ending medical bills and bills for "special" things. I've completely neglected Joan. Hell, I even stole paint from a hobby shop one day with Luke. Beth, I know I was no saint before the accident. I did a lot of things to hurt people I loved because I didn't think I had to be accountable for my actions, that I would ever have to pay a price for the shitty stuff I'd done.
"Sometimes I think that I have a chance to start over, to be a new person, but I can't help looking back and wishing I'd done things differently, better. I don't know whether or not I should just try to accept this is my life or if I should hope that there could be something else, something better. I'm just afraid that if I hope for more . . . I'm just afraid to plan for the future again. Look how it turned out the first time."
He wiped tears from his own eyes and looked at her. She was crying even harder now. Damn it, she was not supposed to come back into his life. He was seriously just starting to get his shit together. Hell, he even thought he was getting some feeling back in his abdomen. He could not think about what had happened, about what she had told him. He told her he didn't blame her, and that was true. He had long ago realized that he and he alone had put himself in the situation leading up to the accident. Andy had paid the price, borne the guilt, but so had Beth. She hadn't gone to jail or had her name in the newspapers or endured the stares and whispers, but in her heart she had been just as guilty.
"Bethie, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. You've been living with this for so long., and it's not your fault. I swear it is not your fault." So many different emotions were rushing over him. Mainly he was angry at himself. This had all started with him. He had cheated on her. She was away and he was only human, wasn't he. They weren't really together anyway after she went to school. He had suspected that she had been seeing someone out there, a football player. He was old news to her. But it had pissed him off, and that other girl had a really cute ass. As soon as it had been done, he was sorry, and then Beth found the panties in his jacket pocket. He spent the entire semester trying to prove to her that it was nothing, that it meant nothing, that she meant everything. He had pushed the coach to recruit him out west. Arizona State was his first choice, that's where Beth was, of course. They had finally come to a really nice agreement with the University of Arizona.
Then she came home that night, and he had been so happy to see her. He remembered the car ride now. He wanted to show her how they could finally start over, try again in a new place. Then he got drunk and he blew it. No wonder she didn't call. How could she have faced him after what he had done to her? And he didn't even know that he had done it. He'd quit drinking after the accident, a lot of good that did now. He wanted a drink now, actually, he needed one. He wanted to grab her, pick her up and swing her around like before. But he couldn't do that now, not anymore.
She sat quietly. She just watched him process the information she had given him. Finally, he looked at her. "Kev, I wanted to be there for you. You can't imagine how many times I picked up the phone to dial your number. I even drove to the rehab center one weekend and sat in the parking lot. I saw your mother in the courtyard. I couldn't even get out of the car. I just couldn't do it. I'm so sorry. You needed a friend and I wasn't there for you. And Andy, well, he didn't feel that he'd be welcome. He didn't want to upset people, especially you."
His perked up a bit and asked, "Andy wanted to see me?"
"Of course he did. You were his best friend, and he was driving the car. He was a mess. Did you know that he even went to jail for three months? He started using drugs, lost his scholarship, didn't even go to college. He's doing better now, but well, let's just say your life wasn't the only one that was ruined."
"I didn't know." Kevin hadn't ever thought about how the accident had affected Andy. He had been away during all of the legal proceedings. All he knew was that Andy had been charged and went to jail for a while. He had heard that when he got home, but people didn't say much to him about the accident and no one said anything to him about Andy. Sure, there were days when he had wanted to talk to Andy more than anyone, when he wanted to tell his best friend about the first time he noticed a girl looking at him with a look other than pity. But mainly, Kevin was thinking of himself, not his friend. He was shocked by his own selfishness.
"Andy would really like to hear from you. I mean, it's your call, but maybe it's something you should think about. It would mean a lot to him."
"I just didn't know," he repeated. He glanced at the clock on the night stand. "Man, it's really getting late, I should probably let you get some dinner or sleep or something."
She smiled at him and lowered her eyes. "I thought we were going to dinner together."
"Yeah, I think that's a really good idea. There are some things I've been thinking about. I haven't told anyone, but I think you'd understand what I want to do."
"Can we talk about it downstairs? I'm starving!"
"Sure, as long as you're buying. I'm but a starving artist, well, reporter anyway." They both laughed, and Kevin decided that he rather liked making jokes that didn't involve biting sarcasm.