A/N: Just in case you forgot or didn't know- I don't own anything and am about to go majorly in debt for med school, so please don't sue me :-)

Chapter 4

A few moments later they were seated for dinner. He glanced across the table at her for the first time in so long. She definitely was beautiful. He knew she had been a high school girlfriend, and that was that, at least that's how she had felt when she left for college. She had decided to go so far away from him and he had been more than a little jealous when she would rush away from his calls to do other things with other people, maybe even other guys.

By Thanksgiving he had been sure of it. She had become even more brief and less feeling during their phone conversations. He hadn't known Jeanie for very long, but she was cute and she gave him a look that made his skin crawl. Jeanie had transferred into the school that year, and she was so different from the other girls he'd liked or dated. She wasn't "Susie High School" like Beth had been, she was striking, but not beautiful, but she was different. Following the State Championship Game, she had met him outside the school after everyone else had left. It was such a forward move he hadn't expected, but the decision to break up with Beth had already been made.

That was the night that resulted in Beth finding another girl's panties in his jacket pocket. Maybe he had left them there unconsciously so he wouldn't have to tell her the truth. Her reaction had been dramatic to say the least. She'd called him an irresponsible child. She told him it was over. Suddenly, he had a revelation about their relationship. Beth was not simply a high school girlfriend. She was smart, independent, the type of girl you spend your life with. They had talked about such things in a joking manner before, but he realized there was no joking anymore. He had driven her out of his life.

"So what were you wanting to tell me," she asked after they had ordered drinks.

He smiled at her a little, that half grin thing he always did when he was nervous. "I've been thinking about going back to school."

"Kev, that's great! I really think you should do it. You won't regret it one bit."

"Before, I thought I'd go to college to play ball and then you could support us while I moved up through the minors, and then you could raise the kids and do whatever you wanted when I made it to the Majors."

She laughed out loud. "You really had all that planned out? Did you ever think of consulting me?"

"I guess it was just a thought I had in my head, not really anything that I really expected, except that I did."

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it. How she wished that his plan could actually come true, but wishing about things that could never happen didn't do anyone any good. "Oh, Kev, you're going to find your thing, and going to school is just the first step."

"My thing was you."

"Kevin, pathetic does NOT become you. You couldn't even be faithful to me when I was away from you for three months!"

"I've changed, I've grown up, I swear."

"Oh yeah? You mentioned earlier that you had been dating someone recently. What happened, Kevin? Why aren't you together now?"

"I, uh, I was interviewing this girl for a human-interest story for the paper and she invited me to dinner, and we ended up kissing. Rebecca got mad and said getting involved with me was a mistake."

She glared at him with an "I told you so" look. "And this is different from pre-accident Kevin Girardi in what way?"

"I realized that she was right. I had trusted her in a way I wasn't sure I could ever trust anyone ever again, and at the first chance I had to show her she could trust me, I blew it."

His admission shocked her quite a bit. "The two of you? How can you? I mean . . ."

"Yeah, I can and we did. She was the first, the only, since the accident, and it was definitely a learning experience, except we didn't have much of a chance to learn anything because I was too busy messing things up between us."

"Why do you think that happened?"

"I was so flattered when the other girl saw me as an eligible, vital, kissable guy and not just some poor schmuck to feel sorry for." He tried to rationalize further, "And maybe I was a little afraid of being with Rebecca."

"What was there to be afraid of?"

"She's so strong and seems to know what she wants, what she needs in life, and I don't see how I could be the man she expects, the man I expected to be to a woman. Being with her was so amazing, but it just reminded me once again, as does everything, that I can't be that guy."

"Well, just for the record, you weren't such a great lay before." She broke the tension with her remark, and they both laughed genuinely.

"WOW, not what I was expecting to hear at a civilized dinner with you," he shot back. She never failed to put him in his place, and maybe that's why he had liked her so much before and maybe even now again. He wanted her. He wanted to show her that he had changed.

"So, let's get back to you and college and leave the Rebecca issue for a while, or forever."

"Yes, college. That's the goal now. I really do like working for the paper, and they're actually letting me get a byline here and there. I'm a good writer. Who would have ever thought that? I always had you write my papers in high school."

"I know, but I'm really excited for you, that you've found something that makes you happy. Do you think you'd like to stay in journalism or try something else like English or Communications?"

He shook his head and smiled at her. "You sure have planned this out, haven't you? And you didn't even know when or if you would see me again."

"Kevin, what I knew, and what I've always known, is that you are going to make something of your life, something very good. And I honestly hoped that I would get to see it, even after everything that we did wrong."

"I hoped that you would be a major part of it."

"You're making it really hard for me to walk away from here. Kevin, you are the first person I ever kissed, I ever loved, and that I ever made love with. You have such a large place in my heart, in my past, but I'm just not sure that it's wise to make you a part of my future. I wanted to see you to tell you that I was sorry about the night of the accident and afterward, but I didn't come here to get back together. I'm seeing someone else now."

Kevin's smile froze and then melted from his face. How could he have been dumb enough to open himself up to letting her hurt him again? But she was right. It was incredibly presumptuous of him to not even consider what had happened in her life over the past two years. Yeah, things had changed in every possible way, but he was beginning to realize that this was simply the way life goes. He had spent the past two years dwelling on what he had lost, his goals, his dreams, Beth, his independence, and so much more. But he was beginning to see the slightest glimpse of light ahead. He had faced one huge demon from his past, and he knew the next move he had to make to get his life back on course. "Beth, could you give me Andy's number? I think it's time we had a long talk. It's time to let go of the past."

She squeezed his hand again. "Yes, Kevin. I can definitely do that. Where's the waiter? I'm starving!"