It's funny. His entire smoke and mirrors act, that is. Disappearing for months at a time, he'd finally gotten off the top of everyone's mind, well, you know, except mine. He never came back to school that year, we all saw Spinner floating down the hallways completely alone, but I suppose Jay just didn't want to make the effort.
I thought about what he'd been doing all this time. He was still a minor, so it wasn't as if he would be working at the Dot twenty-four hours a day. I guess the most obvious place slipped my mind, and that's why it was so much of a surprise when it'd made front page news.
"Toronto Teen Overdoses in Local Ravine," was the line. I'd already gotten the phone call days before it hit the newsstands. It was one of those times where I wished more than anything I could dig some emotion out of myself, but I couldn't. The tears just didn't come out, but in a way, that helped me to be stronger for those who needed it.
Like Liberty. Liberty, who'd been the only one that JT had on his mind for months. Liberty, who'd taken this immature, young, boy and turned him into a more responsible version of himself. They'd loved each other; you'd have to be blind not to see it. And I loved him too, you know? Maybe it was a different kind of love, but it was a friendship that I had valued for years torn away. He was torn away from all of us. He was someone's best friend, someone's boyfriend, the kid who told jokes at lunch, and a boy who never stopped smiling. He didn't deserve it.
Six nights after we'd found out what happened, I decided I couldn't take the restlessness anymore. Like I'd done many nights before, I climbed out my window, and went to the one place I knew I could go to at four am. Past all of that police tape and do not cross lines, sat Jay Hogart. Head down, feet swinging off the picnic table he sat on top of.
This was the perfect time for me to walk away. I didn't know him anymore, and I certainly didn't owe him anything. The desperation was dripping from his body and I quickly became fascinated with seeing him in a position of vulnerability. With each step that I took closer was a reminder of why I shouldn't be doing this. Everything he's ever done has hurt me, he wasn't there when I needed him, he took advantage of me, and these were the reasons that ran through my mind. Still, I kept walking, and when I got close enough to see my cold breath blow out towards his neck, I tapped him on the shoulder.
He lifted his head and turned around to face me, pursing his lips as he did so. We just stared for a bit, the silence wasn't that of the awkward variety, but the necessary one.
"What…what are you doing here?" was all that I was able to get out.
He played with the face of his watch, averting his eyes from mine.
"I've got nowhere else to go," he said.
"I read, about what you did, you know? Calling an ambulance, it was the right thing. It was the only thing you could do…and I know, since the outcome wasn't what it should have been you don't get much credit, but…" I trailed off.
"Yeah, I'm just a regular hero."
The sarcasm in his voice was overwhelming.
"You know why he was down here; you're smart, I'm sure you've figured it out by now."
"Yeah…I know. But it wasn't you who shoved those pills down his throat, Jay, you didn't do that."
"Yeah, but if I hadn't put the thought in his head…"
"Then what, he would have found some other way of getting out, there was something eating at him, and that something wasn't you."
"That's three, you know? Three. Rick, JT, and you."
"What do you mean? I'm standing right here, hearts still pumping, breaths are still coming out."
"But you aren't the same."
"No, I'm not."
"Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that."
"I know, but don't take too much credit, it wasn't about you."
"I knew that. That's the whole thing, it's not about me, but I'm always there, right on the periphery of all the destruction. I'm sick of being that guy, but what can I do? Take it back? Never show up at the pharmacy that day, never pull any of those pranks on Rick, and never…hurt you. I fucking wish I could, but I can't. The only thing I can do is live with it."
"You should go home, get some sleep."
"Easier said than done, Princess, easier said than done."
And we both knew that was the truth. After days of thinking about what went wrong, all we could do was sit there, on that picnic table and wonder what we could have done differently.
"This place is really evil, you know. I can't think of one good thing that's come out of it unscathed. Its weird being here when it's so…empty."
"Police tape and remnants of an investigation aren't the biggest attraction for teens with booze. Though I'm sure something is going on tonight, just a new location."
"It's sickening," I said as my stomach churned.
"Hey, what about Liberty?"
"What about her, she's sick, sick as hell over this. How would you expect her to feel?"
"Can I tell you something?"
"Go ahead."
"The reason he was doing all of this, selling, using, you know? It was because he needed the money."
"I'm not following."
"He needed the money, because he had to get ready for having a family. Liberty, she's pregnant."
And with that, everything that'd we'd previously believed became a lie. It was a defining moment, the moment where you say, "If I'd only known, none of this would have happened." Was that true or was it just a lie we'd tell ourselves to make it all easier? No one knew, but we all said it through our pale, distraught faces.