Chapter 23

Kevin roused Beth awake as the sun was coming up. "Hey, come on. Let's go downstairs!" he whispered in her ear.

She groaned and rolled away from him. She was awake, unfortunately, but she did not feel like getting out of bed. However, she had an idea of how to keep him there with her. She ran to the door and locked it before jumping back in the bed on top of Kevin. She leaned down close to his face and spoke softly, "Merry Christmas to the man I love." She rolled to his side, but his gaze followed her, so did his hands and his mouth. He had no problem remaining in the bed for a little while longer.

A knock on the door interrupted them as Joan called in, "You'd better not be doing anything gross in there. Our parents are like two rooms away, Kevin!"

Beth's eyes were wide as she turned toward the door, but Kevin didn't pay any attention to her embarrassment as he yelled back at Joan, "Oh, lay off Joan. You'll be in our, uh, position soon enough."

There was only a "Hmpf" on the other side of the door as Joan stalked away. Beth stifled a laugh and lay back on Kevin's stomach, her feet hanging off the bed. He moved a strand of hair from her face and leaned down to kiss her again.

"You were so different," she said as he finished.

"I'm sorry?"

"After the accident, or before it. When I met you in Baltimore, you were so different. You looked the same, but you weren't. I was a little afraid at first that you had changed too much. I guess I had changed, too. But you were so confident before, sometimes downright arrogant but that day you were so angry. No, not angry, you were sad. I had wanted to see you so badly for so long. I don't know what I expected, but I guess I just realized that we would have to learn each other all over again. I guess that's why we waited so long to get married."

"Why are you telling me this now?"

"I don't know. I just want to be honest with you. I want us to be able to talk. We only talked about this that first night, but it irreparably changed both of our lives. And if we're going to have children soon, then we need to deal with the real issues here."

"Beth, where is this coming from?"

"Kevin, you never tell me how you feel about your life, about our life. I need some sort of feedback on what's happening here. You're so easy-going and just go about your day and your work, but this job thing is still eating at me. Why couldn't you tell me what was going on? Why won't you talk to me? You'll talk to your parents and Joan and even Rebecca Askew, but not until we got into a huge fight and I walked out the door did you explain you feelings to me. You don't talk to me anymore. That makes me feel as though I am failing you as a wife. Please tell me what I can do to understand you better, to be a person you confide in."

Kevin pushed himself into a sitting position and looked directly into her eyes as she sat before him. He barely knew how to begin, "Oh God, Beth. I am so sorry. I didn't realize. I think I was trying to protect you, but I'm only leaving you out of my life, our life. I want a baby more than you do, I think, but I'm so frightened about how I'll be able to care for it. What if it's a boy? Who is going to teach him how to play ball? How am I going to do that, Beth? You said I was insecure after the accident, well, yeah, I still am. All the time, almost ten years later. I see people looking at me, staring, pitying. I try to not let it bother me, but it does, Beth. I should have told you these things before now. I want to be your strong, proud, capable husband. I'm supposed to be taking care of you, but most days I'm not sure I can take care of myself. I never wanted to have to admit to you that I am afraid, that I question the things that I do, that I'm constantly seeking your approval. I am so very sorry. I love you, and I don't want to do anything to put our relationship in jeopardy. Beth, I'm not good at this, talking about how I feel and about what's going inside. That's why I was such a mess afterward. I'll do better. You have to help me, but I'm asking. I want to be the husband you need and if that means letting you know my weaknesses, then I'll have to do it."

He stopped and dropped his head. She took his head in her hands and gently kissed his lips. "We'll do better. Thank you for telling me all of that. I love you. We'll be okay. We'll figure it out. We just have to keep talking. You can't keep what you're feeling from me or it just won't work."

Joan knocked on the door again. "Kevin, seriously, make your porno somewhere else!"

Beth put her finger over her mouth and ran to open the door before Joan left. She stuck out her head so that no other part of her was visible. She feigned breathlessness as she spoke.

"Oh, Joan, hi there. Um, we'll be, uh, down in a little while. We've been, uh, busy. Okay, now I'm gonna go put on some clothes."

With that she closed the door. Kevin was in his chair sorting through the suitcase. He selected his clothes and wheeled past her into the bathroom. She grabbed her robe and followed him. The two of them got their shower together in order to be quicker. Kevin was dressing in the bathroom while Beth picked out clothes in the bedroom. She came back into the bathroom to finish getting ready. It had only taken them about 20 minutes to get ready. They hurried down the steps to find the rest of the family at the dining room table eating Christmas breakfast.

Helen left her place to greet them. Grace looked up from feeding the baby to call out Merry Christmas. Joan laughed and hugged her friend sitting beside her. Luke took the baby from his wife and finished the feeding. Will motioned Beth and Kevin to their places at the table. Kevin filled his plate with food while Beth selected a bagel and two pieces of bacon. Beth had always been a size 4, but recently had crept up to a six, yet with Kevin's amazing appetite he had maintained a size 33 waist for as long as either of them could remember. He had only been about 5'9", not really tall by anyone's standards, but he was compactly built and had a killer metabolism. Beth envied that, so did the rest of the women.

Everyone waited for Kevin to finish his breakfast before they moved into the living room to begin opening gifts. Joan was already making piles of presents in front of each person's seat. After all of the packages had been properly placed, she joined Adam on the couch. Helen and Will were in the two armchairs while Luke and Grace chose spots on the floor with the baby on a blanket between them. Beth took a seat in the rocker, and Kevin parked himself close to her. Will urged the kids to start opening. The sound of ripping paper and words of excitement and thanks filled the house for the next few minutes. When everyone had finished, they sat back to take in the scene around all of them. They were a happy, loving, growing family. No one spoke, but a look of thankfulness could be found on all their faces.

Luke grabbed a large garbage bag to collect the paper, but Will stopped him.

"No, Son, just wait a minute. Let's just all sit for a little while and not worry with that stuff. It's just so good to have all of you here. Your mom and I, well, we love you kids so much, all of you. And we're proud of the adults you've become. Adam, we're glad to welcome you to the family, as well. Grace, it's a very brave thing you've done, allowing Luke to share your life with you. Now, the two of you have such a lovely child and the beginnings of a wonderful life together. We're thankful everyday that you've become a part of this crew. Beth, it seems like you've been a member of the family forever, but now that you have been officially a Girardi for over three years now, we hope you don't regret your choice. I know that Kevin is terribly hard-headed and that's all his mother's fault, but seeing the two of you together makes me think that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. I hope you can both see what a strong union you make. We're so happy that you're moving home, and I know Helen looks forward to shopping trips and lunch dates."

Will hugged each of the new family members as Helen turned to her children.

"Luke, you've always been my little inquisitive boy. You were always chasing some bug around or asking how things worked from the time you were old enough to walk and talk. I knew you would do something wonderful with your abilities. Your father and I are so proud of you and Grace. We love you both so much and are so glad that you could be here today. Joan, my baby girl, when I look at you I am so amazed in what a wonderful woman you have become. And now Adam is going to take you away from me. Somehow, I knew that would happen sooner rather than later, but I want you to know that this is always your home and I am always your mother. I love you and know that the two of you will be happy. Kevin, nine years ago all of our lives changed forever. You were here with us, and for that we were thankful, but you were so unsure of the future. I told you that you would feel normal again, and as I sit and watch you interact with your wife, talking about babies and new beginnings and seeing the successful professional you have become, I'm glad that I wasn't lying to you."

Helen walked to each of her children and kissed them on the cheek. She and Will had decided on this exchange with their children some time before. They were both so inexplicably proud of all six of the young adults gathered before them.

Beth yawned and moved from the rocker into Kevin's lap. He had already put on the new watch that she had gotten him. The instant she saw it she knew that he would absolutely love it, and he did. His old watch had a scratched face and the leather band was almost completely ripped. The new watch was sturdy with a silver chain linked band and a black face. It had an entire list of features and fancy knobs. She could tell that he wanted to read the owner's manual. He was like that. He never used any appliance or gadget without first reading how to properly operate it. It was one of his quirks that she had simply come to accept as part of who her husband was.

Joan moved to the floor to play with the baby who was kicking and laughing as her mother tickled her tummy. Beth kissed Kevin and moved to the floor with the other girls. Luke was toying with some sort of gadget that had been among his presents while Will was reading the instructions to a baby gym that he and Helen had given Hadassah. Beth observed the three Girardi men and realized how much alike they really were. Their appearances were not at all the same, but the same sort of methodical functioning seemed to have been ingrained in all of them. Joan and Helen, on the other hand, were much more free spirited. Helen was looking through a coffee table book of pop art that Adam had given her. They laughed about how stubbornly he had refused to participate in a pop art assignment when he had been in her class.

Everyone remained in the living room for a little while longer until Will suggested that they look through the buyer's guide for real estate again. The Post was expecting Kevin at the end of January, so they would have to move quickly in order to get a house ready to move in by that time. Will and Kevin were flipping through the pages when the phone rang. Beth, the least occupied member of the family at the moment, crossed the room to answer it.

"Girardi residence, Merry Christmas," she called into the receiver. She paused for the other party to answer. "Annie! What a great surprise. Where are you?" Beth gasped and ran to the window. The rest of the family watched as she threw open the front door to greet her sister and future brother-in-law.

Annie walked through the door and pulled off her hat and began to speak before Beth could say a word, "Sorry for the intrusion, everyone, but Clark and I were waiting for a flight to Kansas to spend the holidays with his parents, but we were snowed in until tomorrow at least. I hope it was ok that we stopped by."

Beth glanced at the Girardis who were smiling and nodding. Will spoke for them. "Absolutely not a problem. We have enough food for an army, and the den converts nicely into a bedroom. Just ask Aunt Olive."

Annie hugged Beth and ran to thank the family. Beth invited Clark in the house and took his hat, coat, and the overnight bag he was carrying. The family made room for the couple in the living room. Beth and Joan went into the kitchen to make coffee and hot chocolate while Annie introduced Clark to everyone. He had been a high school quarterback who turned down numerous Division I scholarship offers to pursue journalism and possibly acting. He was definitely tall, dark, and handsome. They had met in line to buy textbooks two semesters earlier and had instantly hit it off. Beth was amazed in the similarities between her relationship with Kevin and the one Annie and Clark shared, at first. But the moment she first saw them together she realized that the two couples were not at all alike.

Beth vaguely remembered herself and Kevin before the accident, but it didn't really help to look back. Actually, it hurt. She didn't want to be envious of her sister, but she did envy the ease with which Annie's relationship seemed to progress. She guessed that every marriage had difficult times, but she felt so shut out of Kevin's life these days. Some days she wasn't even sure if it was worth the struggle. And now he wanted kids, too. She didn't know how to talk to him anymore, if she even ever had. And if they did talk, she'd have to tell him about the envelope she received in the mail every week for the past seven years and that the letter's postmark was from Denver.

Beth noticed Joan staring at her and snapped back. Joan asked if Beth was okay. She assured Joan that everything was fine and helped carry the mugs into the living room. The two girls served the others as Annie and Clark were repeating their story and admiring the baby. Beth handed Kevin his mug and he grabbed her hand. She sat on his lap and quietly sipped her drink while glancing at her sister sitting crossed-legged on the floor. Kevin asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. She nodded yes and stood. They excused themselves, pulled on their coats, and left the house.

Two blocks from the house Kevin stopped. Beth turned toward him.

"Why did you stop?"

"We're not done with this are we?"

"No, Kev, we aren't. We have barely even begun. We have real problems. We haven't talked to each other in like three years. I'm not placing blame. I know that it's been hard with both of us being so busy at work, but we aren't ready for kids. They won't fix a relationship. Please tell me that you aren't suggesting this to 'fix' us."

"Beth, where is this coming from? Is this about the move or leaving or. . ."

"No, you aren't listening to me," Beth interrupted. "Can you tell me who my most important client is or what the last spot I wrote was or what floor my office is on?"

Kevin remained silent.

"Exactly. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I'm sure that you know my assistant's name is Nicole, because you talk to her a hell of a lot more than you talk to me."

Kevin nodded but Beth continued, "I'm not saying that I know these things about you, either. I'm not saying it's your fault or that you're alone in this. Even the part about Rebecca. I was so upset because there's something that I haven't told you, too."

Kevin's head jerked upward to glare at his wife. "What?"

"I haven't done anything, but there's something I need to tell you."

He sighed. "Okay."

"Jake sends me plane tickets and game tickets, every week during the season since before you even moved in. I, obviously I never went, but he sends them."

He ran his hand through his hair. "This week, he sent one this week?"

"Every week for nearly seven years, playoffs, whatever."

"Did you ever think to tell him to stop?"

"I didn't want to contact him. I just thought it would make things worse. It was wrong not to tell you before now, and I feel terribly guilty about that, but I never went. I never called him. I haven't seen or talked to him in all this time."

"Isn't he married?"

"Apparently not. He and Sonia were engaged, but they called it off years ago. I didn't know until recently."

"So you think that because you have this secret that I must have one, too? Is that what's going on?"

"No. I don't know. Maybe."

"Beth? Are you serious? God, no. I saw Rebecca at a conference. She offered me a job. She knew all about you, that we were married. She asked about you. It couldn't have been more innocent. I swear to you." Kevin paused a minute before he continued, "You say that I don't talk to you, well, you're the one with the secrets." He turned back toward the house, leaving her standing alone on the sidewalk.

She didn't follow him but continued walking in the opposite direction. She'd had to tell him, hadn't she? Doubt entered her mind. Of course she had to tell him. At first it didn't seemed like a big deal to her, but that was seven years ago and she wasn't married. But now she was realizing that she had made a tremendous mistake.