Deep Inside
Disclaimer: I stilll don't own any of the character so stop harrassing me. jeez
A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys!
Chapter 3: Misleading Thoughts
He's thought about it. Actually more than once, but he's managed to get past it.
Right after his first foster home, he thought about what it would be like if he died. Would anybody care enough to come to his funeral? To cry for him, and to pray for him? He didn't think anyone cared that much about him.
He never quite felt like he belonged in the world, like he had no sole purpose to live. Maybe that's why he picked up that chemistry set when he was seven? Maybe he thought he could change the world by developing a cure for a disease.
That never happened. So he decided to work at the crime lab, to help catch the bad guys. At least he was helping put away people that deserved it. At one time, he thought he was one of those peope. He knows he's never done anything that bad, but he felt like it when he was using coke. He felt like he was the one raping someone, or killing innocent people. But he wasn't, he was just a coke head.
He spent many years lusting after her, but never getting her. Her heart belonged to another. But then, it happened. Sara Sidle kissed him. At first, he couldnt' believe it. Maybe it was a mistake at first, but he knew it wasn't after she kissed him again.
It was right after the lab explosion and after she asked Grissom out to dinner. He declined, like the idiot he is. Greg was in the locker room when she came in and spilled out the whole story. He rubbed her back and told her she wasn't stupid, but maybe she was looking for love in the wrong places.
She kissed him right there in the locker room. He dreamed of this moment for a long time, and still couldn't believe it happened. They started seeing each other after that, secretly of course.
Then 7 months later, it happened. He knew deep down that she really didn't want him. He was just there for a quick comfort, but he hoped in time she would change her mind. He was walking toward his car when he saw them. Grissom and Sara, making out in Grissoms truck. Somehow Grissom must have found out about their relationship and felt the need to win Sara back, because he never showed interest before her and Greg started going out. His heart ripped in a million pieces that day.
That night he wanted to do it. It seemed so easy, with the razor laying on his nightstand.
Would they come to his funeral? Would Sara shed guilt for what happened, and blame herself? Would Grissom even care? Or would he hold her while she cried on his shoulder, whispering to her that everything would be alright? Would anybody from the lab come? Did he even matter to any of them, or was he just someone who got them their results and someone to make small talk with? Would Nick be angry that he was Greg's emergency contact? He was the only friend he had in Vegas, if Greg could even call Nick that. Sure they joked around and placed bets but Nick was Warricks best friend, not Greg's. Greg was the guy behind the scenes, watching everything that happened in front of him without anyone noticing.
The smartest thing he ever could have done that night was throw that razor away. He was just going to have to deal with it the hard way instead of taking the easy way out like some kind of coward. He wasn't like that, and he wouldn't want to be remembered as a coward when he died. He wanted to be remembered as someone who made a difference in someone's life.
He only wished someone would take the time and get to know him, then he wouldn't have picked up that razor in the first place.