Disclaimer: I don't own the series Lost or the original characters. All I own is my imagination and the plot.
A/N: I haven't been around for a while, especially when it comes to the reviewing part, although I have still managed to read a few pieces of Lost Fanfiction here and there, and I get really excited and inspired by some. There are people out here who have amazing writing styles and very creative ideas and I would take my hat off to you if I had one. :) I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up with you guys, really; I mean I have issues when it comes to my confidence about my own writing (style), but then again, people are always harder on themselves then they are on others, or at least I think so. Just take a look at it.
Wide Awake
...with nowhere to run.
Twigs snapped and leaves rustled as Kate navigated herself through the uncharted territory that circled her from every side. Against Jack's wishes, she had treaded across the so-called borders, food too scarce not to take the risk, or at least that was the excuse she had wrapped up her reason in, her sense of adventure what had made up her mind and her inability to sit still what kept her moving. In spite of the daylight she was gradually losing, she moved as slow as her feet would let her, leaving her eyes to wander around as a habit.
If anyone would bother to give her a close look, they'd catch on to her thin lie; all she had brought along was a bottle of water, though it dropped to the ground, slipping from her hands as she felt the earth tremor beneath her before she heard it. A sound she still heard whenever she disappeared into the mass of green, one she could as best describe as something in between a growl and a crackle of thunder, and had stuck with her ever since she had first encountered it during one of her first days on the island.
Her hands shook as she took a step back, trying to calculate where it came from, but found herself circling around in panic instead. She tried to keep a hold on her breathing, not wanting to go into hysterics as she started to backtrack, her bottle of water long forgotten. The ground quaked with each step and she started to count, slowly and calmly, though her balled up fists and white knuckles betrayed her. ''One, two, th... three,'' she let out in a gasp, startled from behind by an array of cracks. She turned quickly and tripped over her own feet in her haste, yelping as she fell and landing with a soft thud. Her nails dug into the palms of her now dirt covered hands to keep from losing her mind.
She started to count again. ''Fo... four... five.'' She swallowed and continued her count as she got up. ''Six... seven... eight... ni-'' A hand covered up her mouth and cut her off, though she had just reached ten in her head, all she could do to keep herself from cracking, but as an arm was slung hastily around her waist, Kate tightly shut her eyes, hoping to keep the images and the memories attached to them back. Her past was at its right place bottled up. She tried to scream as she was pulled back, ending up against something solid. Her hands came up and began to claw at the one that sealed her lips.
''Would you hold still?''
Her eyes flew open at the voice, at his voice. A dark memory clouded her mind as she tasted the name of another on her lips. Fear got the best of her and she dropped her hands down to the arm that held on to her waist. ''Sawyer,'' she breathed in between the cracks of his fingers. She placed her hands on top of his, pressing his fingers even more firmly against her stomach while hers lightly shook, needing the comfort; she didn't want to lose herself in her past, not when she had lived through it once before.
Sawyer pulled Kate even closer as if she trembled with cold instead of with something close to hysterics. ''Just be quiet,'' he whispered in her ear as he removed his hand from her mouth.
She nodded, biting deep into her lip as trees were yanked from the ground only feet away. It was close, closer than it had been before and no matter how often she told herself that she was safe, she knew that it was just something one told oneself. Her breathing sped up and she squirmed within Sawyer's touch, wanting to run as she was used to, though somewhere she knew that she wouldn't have the courage to. There was nowhere to run. Instead she wiggled to create enough room for her to spin around, surprising him as she hid her face in his shirt and started to count again, slowly balling the thin fabric up between her fingers while holding onto him as if her life depended on it.
Sawyer, having his eyes set on what she had her back turned to, took advantage of the situation and shifted his hands to grip her hips as if his life depended on it. It was long after the sounds had faded back into the deepest depths of the jungle that he heard her breathing even out, though the tears that welled up soon after painted a better picture of her state of mind. Tear after tear slid down her cheek and sunk into the fabric of his shirt. He waited until it was saturated before he took her by her arms and gently pushed her back as she went on sobbing, something he had never seen her do, not even in worst-case scenarios. ''Freckles,'' he tried tentatively to get her attention, not knowing how to handle her. He had always had trouble dealing with crying girls, especially with the ones who didn't cry over him.
She covered her face with her hands, another memory rattling her as he called out to her again, repeating the nickname she had become to hate. ''Make it stop.''
''What was that?'' he asked while leaning in to her a little more.
''Make it stop,'' she demanded softly and weakly.
''Make what stop? Make what stop, Freckles!'' he inquired desperately, exasperated when she didn't answer him. Not knowing what else to do, he reached out and grabbed her wrists, removing her hands from her face so he could look at her. ''Make what stop?''
Matching his gaze with a glazed one of her own, she pulled from his grasp, seeing that he didn't understand. He was so much like him. Fresh tears appeared in her already watery eyes as she thought back, no longer looking to run from what she couldn't escape, not on an island, not with him so close. ''I grazed my knees,'' she told him in somewhat of a childlike manner.
Sawyer looked at her, confused. ''Wha-''
''I fell and grazed my knees.''
He lowered his eyes down to her knees in search of blood or torn fabric, but the only thing he came across was dirt. ''Then my eyes must be deceiving me 'cause you look fine enough.''
She ignored him. ''I fell of the swing and I... I grazed my knees.'' She ran the back of her hand across her face. ''He told me that he would kiss it better.''
''Who?'' Sawyer took a step towards her, looking for an outlet for his concern. Even his brow had wrinkled up, reminding her of a face that didn't resemble his in any way, but the emotions displayed on it brought back memories and the many emotions that went with them. Sawyer was good at showing emotions, something he had been good at, too, although his had never been genuine. They had just been one of his tricks, an act he put up to get on her good side. She studied Sawyer's features carefully, trying to pinpoint his intentions and whether she should be looking for the worst in him. ''Are you going to hurt me, too?''
''What are you talking about, Freckles?'' he asked, taken back by her vulnerability. ''If it's the damn monster you're worried about-''
She shook her head.
''Well, then care to tell me what you're babbling about, sweetheart?''
''You,'' she answered.
Their eyes locked. ''I ain't never laid my hands upon a woman in that way and I wasn't planning on doing so,'' he hissed, angry at the assumption she had jumped to. ''Now, I don't know what brought all o' this boiling up to the surface-''
''Nothing,'' she quickly interrupted. ''I don't know what I'm talking about.''
''Glad to know it wasn't just me.''
Kate sighed. ''Look, I'm just a little shaken up by what happened, okay? Let's just head back.''
''Didn't know you scared so easily.''
She pulled her arms closer to her body. ''I don't.''
''Could've fooled me.'' Sawyer smirked and gestured at the path beside them. ''Lead the way.''
x-x-x
At the beach, Kate immediately separated herself from him and stalked off in the direction of her tent while he slightly dragged his feet, watching as she took off her shoes and lowered herself down onto the sand as he continued to walk.
He headed for his own shelter. Home sweet home a bitter afterthought as he too dropped down on the usually milky white grains of sand, one of the only bright sides to paradise besides the clear blue ocean he woke up to each day. He dug into his pockets in search of cigarettes and a lighter, needing something to keep him occupied so he wouldn't be caught looking at her. He wanted his glances to seem random and his actions casual; he just wanted to make sure that she would stay in one place and not run off in the middle of the night, because she seemed like that kind of person.
x-x-x
When her campfire blazed, Sawyer put out his cigarette and got to his feet, taking the time as he crossed the few feet of beach over to her. As he sat down within her halo of light, she dug her toes deeper into the sand. ''How're your knees?''
She turned her head away, not appreciating the remark. ''Go away,'' she softly demanded of him.
''Never knew you were so touchy, sweetheart,'' he told her, reaching out to pull at one of her uncombed curls. She turned to look at him, her locks tugged from his reach. ''What do you want, Sawyer?''
He gave her face a swift once-over, his eyes landing on the freckles on her nose. ''I want to know what you were babbling about earlier.''
Kate averted her gaze to the fire in front of them.
''Okay, next question,'' he proposed. ''What were you doing so far out?''
''What were you doing so far out?'' she repeated.
''Following you, Freckles. I thought it was obvious.'' He shot her a smile as she glanced at him. ''Your turn.''
She shrugged. ''Looking for more fresh fruit.''
''Really now, 'cause I could've sworn that you went looking for trouble instead.'' He focused on the side of her face he could see. ''And I also think that there is more to your little panic attack than you're letting on. Am I right, Freckles?''
''Don't call me that,'' she remarked as a sudden chill ran up her spine.
''Why?''
''Why?'' she said and looked at him.
''Yeah, how 'bout you give me a reason.''
She sighed. ''I don't like my freckles, okay. I never have.'' She lowered her eyes, though they shot up again at his touch. He gently gripped her chin between his thumb and index finger and tipped it up slightly to take a closer and better look, intently looking her over while she looked on in silence. ''You barely see 'em,'' he said when meeting her eyes again.
''You noticed.''
His fingers slipped from her face. ''Yeah, well, I've always had an eye for the finer things in life, sweetheart.''
She looked away, allowing her locks to cover her face, finding herself shy and speechless in his presence for the very first time. She hated the undeniable and at times irresistible charm he possessed.
''Who was it?'' he continued his questioning.
''What?''
''The person who tampered with your confidence?''
''None of your business,'' Kate said defensively.
''I know,'' he began, ''I just wanna know who got to you, 'cause face it, Freckles, you're all over the place and that don't even happen when I get you all hot and bothered.''
Her voice cracked and her eyes glazed over at the memories he triggered. ''Sawyer,'' she warned, quickly wiping a spilled tear from her cheek before raising her head up just enough to catch a glimpse of him. ''You've already managed to make me cry, what else do you want?''
''I didn't come here to make you cry, sweetheart,'' he said affectionately, catching one of her tears with his thumb as he gingerly ran it across her face.
She pulled away from his touch and interlocked eyes with him. ''You're just like him.''
''Look, I don't know what you're talking about, but-''
''I'm going to sleep,'' she intercepted him, getting up immediately after and disappearing into her tent without feeling as if she owed him another word.
Sawyer shook his head and got up, too, knowing when he wasn't wanted. Still, he couldn't stop from throwing another couple of snapped twigs and branches onto the fire before heading back over to his own tent.
x-x-x
She had a nightmare. At night every little thing could be heard on the beach, though he had gotten used to it over time; the crashing of the waves wasn't that different from leaves rustling or cars racing by in a cosmopolitan city. Her cries stood out in the familiar and woke him up. He listened to her pleas for a few more minutes, but finally got up when he realized that they wouldn't die out. He strode over to her tent and entered without bothering to be quiet; his goal was to wake her anyway.
He stood over her as she cried, ''Don't, please!'' Kneeling down beside her, he reached out to shake her lightly. ''Why are you doing this to me?'' she murmured, not snapping out off it. His grip became more firm as his shaking increased.
She twisted and turned until her eyes finally opened. Unable to place him for the first few weary seconds, she scrambled up to a sitting position, her hands trembling as she tried to find a place to put them.
''You were having a nightmare,'' he explained the obvious, watching as she shakily exhaled. ''You okay?''
She looked at him; he sounded worried. ''I'm fine.''
''You sure?'' A nod his confirmation, he got up, leaving her.
She didn't go back to sleep.
x-x-x
In the next couple of days, she continued having more nightmares, but shrugged them off every time. He knew she was hardly sleeping. The dark circles beneath her eyes and her passiveness gave her away; she sometimes sat on the beach for hours, doing nothing but look out over the ocean. It worried him.
He went to see Jack the following day.
''Hey, doc,'' Sawyer provided his usual greeting as he entered the caves, hands in pockets.
Jack glanced at him over his shoulder. ''Sawyer.''
''Nice place you've got here, nice and rocky.'' Sawyer cringed at his own words.
''Unlike yours which is sandy?'' Jack raised an eyebrow and smiled despite himself.
Sawyer wet his lips. ''How about we try a doctor joke?''
Jack sighed and turned to look at him. ''What do you want?''
''Do you still do the whole doctor patient confidentiality thing? I mean, we're on an island so...'' he trailed off while running a hand through his hair.
''I'm still a doctor.''
Sawyer nodded. ''Good, good.'' As if a realization hit, he looked Jack in the eye. ''What if someone comes to you with information about another person?''
''Well, technically I'm supposed to do nothing but listen and give advice, but since we are on an island, it would all depend on how serious the information about this other person would be.''
''What if that other person would be Kate?'' Sawyer asked.
Frown lines appeared in the doctor's brow. ''What about Kate?''
Sawyer couldn't help but chuckle. ''Guess I have the upper hand this time, huh, doc.''
''You came to me, remember?'' Jack shot back. ''So, if you just came to waste my time-''
''Doc, wait,'' Sawyer stopped Jack from turning his back to him. ''Yeah?''
Sawyer sighed in consideration; he felt like he was betraying her in some way.
''Sawyer,'' Jack called on him.
''Something happened a couple of days ago. We were in the jungle,'' he offered as a clarification.
Jack gave him a look. ''You were in the jungle?''
''I followed her,'' Sawyer began in explanation, ''and it's a good thing I did 'cause she was somewhere in damn nowhere land. Hell, even G.I. Jane would have trouble tracking her way out of that.''
''What was she doing?''
''Looking for mangos and bananas; apparently she has a thing for fruit,'' Sawyer answered. ''Now, I can't say that I don't like my fruit, but-''
''What happened, Sawyer?'' Jack impatiently cut him off.
''We were attacked.''
''By the monster?''
Sawyer shook his head. ''Yeah, by whatever you want to call it.''
''Is she alright?''
''Sassafras's fine, Casanova, and so am I,'' he said with a pointed look in Jack's direction. ''She just had some sort of breakdown during the attack.''
''Some sort of breakdown?''
''Yeah, she started to cry and babble on about falling down and grazing her knees. I don't know what the hell she was talking about and when I asked her about it, well, let's just say that she was reluctant to answer.''
''She likes her secrets,'' Jack mumbled.
''And yet she sees no problem in butting in where she isn't wanted.''
''Like you're doing right now?'' Jack commented.
''That's different,'' Sawyer defended. ''I ain't the one who's being haunted by nightmares each night.''
And that was all that had to be said; only hours later Jack sat down beside Kate on the beach. ''Hey, stranger.''
She gave him a small smile. ''What are you doing here?''
Jack shrugged. ''I just wanted to see how you're doing. I haven't seen you around as much,'' he added. ''Is everything okay?''
''I'm fine.''
''Really, because Sawyer told me about what happened in the jungle.'' He looked at her. ''You know that normally I mind my own business and don't ask any questions, but-''
''It's nothing.''
''Sawyer said you were having nightmares, Kate.''
''Since when do you believe anything he says?''
''Why else would he come to see me?''
Kate didn't listen to anything else Jack said as she got up and stormed off towards Sawyer's tent. He saw her coming and met her halfway. Before he could say anything, she slapped him, the palm of her hand landing flat against the side of his face. Her fingers ached from the rough contact as she pulled her hand back, watching his eyes narrow and lips twitch in anger. She gasped as he snatched her arm, twisting it behind her back as he brought her closer. ''I don't know what your deal is, but I suggest you don't do that again.''
She brought her free hand up to his chest, her own eyes big as she looked at him. ''You went to Jack.''
Guilt tugged at his heartstrings as he looked down at her. ''I was just looking out for you, Freckles.''
''I didn't ask you to. It was none of your business, and now you got Jack involved when I just want everyone to leave me alone.'' Tears welled up in her eyes. ''You're hurting me.''
He saw how close she was to panicking and quickly let go of her. She sank down onto the sand, hands in front of her face to muffle her sobs. She hadn't cried so much in years. Sawyer lowered himself down to her level. ''Hey,'' he said, on his knees in front of her as he removed her hands from her face once again. ''Tell me what's wrong. You have to let it out sometime.''
She wiped at her face with her hands. ''Since when do you care?''
''Come on, Freckles, you know I do,'' he assured her with somewhat of a smile. ''Now, how about we start off with an easy question, okay?''
She nodded. ''Okay.''
''Why do you hate your freckles?''
''That's not an easy question,'' Kate said with a tremor in her voice. ''My... my dad, he...'' She took a deep breath and tried again, her eyes already lowered in shame of what was to come. ''My freckles, they're... I have them all over.''
He held back a smirk; she also seemed like that kind of girl. The nights he had spent fantasizing...
''And my dad, he's always liked my freckles. Even when kids at school would make mean remarks about them and I would come home crying, my dad would tell me to pay no attention to them, so I didn't and the crying stopped and I no longer felt bad for having freckles.''
''I think you look damn cute with freckles.''
A sad smile was all she could muster up. ''So did my dad and he had the same intentions.''
Wrinkles showed off his true age as he clawed through her loose remarks to find some sort of silver lining.
''He used to count them,'' she went on, throwing him off even more. ''It was our little secret and I was told not to tell anyone. Just like when I fell of the swing and grazed my knees.'' She gingerly circled her knee with her index finger, needing something to concentrate on to keep from crying her eyes out for the third time. ''He said that he would kiss it better, and he did, but he-'' Her lips started to twitch as she struggled to finish her sentence. ''He didn't stop there, he never did.'' She looked into the distance with a haunted look in her eyes. ''Our little secret,'' she repeated, blinking the fresh tears away.
''Your daddy, he-''
Kate nodded before he could finish his question, not wanting to hear it. ''I tried to run away, but he always followed in his truck. He always found me. I tried to tell my mom, but she wouldn't hear it. She always chose my dad's side,'' she said, sounding disappointed. She looked up at him. ''I don't even know why-.''
''I do,'' he answered before she could finish. ''You know my secret and now I know yours. We're not that different, sweetheart.''
She pulled her knees closer to her body. ''I'm sorry I hit you.''
Sawyer ran a hand across his cheek. ''I guess I can forgive and forget this one time.''
''You just reminded me of him.''
''Well, that just brought new meaning to the term 'who's your daddy','' Sawyer drawled good-naturedly, the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes giving away the humor behind his remark.
''I knew you were older than me, but I would've never-''
''Watch it, Freckles.''
Kate softly laughed at his mock seriousness, earning her a crooked smile. ''Looks like someone is feeling better.''
She nodded. ''I do.'' She dropped her hands down to her sides. ''It's good that you found out... I guess.''
He shrugged. ''Everyone's got baggage, sweetheart. They just have deeper bottles. Hell, I bet even Jacko over there has his secrets.''
Kate glanced back at Jack, biting her lip as she looked back over at Sawyer.
''Go.''
''Thanks,'' she genuinely told him, exchanging one last look with him before hoisting herself up and onto her feet. Her hands found her pockets. ''Hey, Sawyer...''
''You keep mine and I'll keep yours.''
Kate nodded and turned away from him, smiling.
She didn't have any more nightmares.
Please review? (: An honest opinion is all I'm asking for... Thank you for taking the time to scroll through this. :)