"Do you love him?"
However he turned it over in his head, Yuuta couldn't make that sound right. "What? Love who? Why? What?" Aniki was weird, asking such a thing just when they'd had a relatively (relatively) incident-free and pleasant afternoon.
"Father. Do you love him?"
Oh. That did make sense, although it would have been better if aniki had just said it in the first place. He didn't normally leave out information unless it suited him, so... had he been thinking about that question a lot today, to have blurted it out like that?
It was a weird question to have been thinking about, though. "Yes, of course I do," Yuuta said. Could there have been any other answer? He was a little bit confused. "Why? Don't... you...?"
Shuusuke shook his head. "No, I don't think I do." He looked like he was reconsidering for a moment, and then he said, as decisively as he ever sounded, "No, I definitely don't."
Yuuta could do nothing but stare. Was... was aniki shaking? His shoulders, at least, were trembling unmistakeably, but Yuuta wasn't well-versed enough in the subtleties of body language to know exactly why aniki would be shaking and therefore exactly what he should say in response to something that had shocked him; for it had shocked him. Aniki didn't love their father? Why?
That seemed a reasonable question to ask, so Yuuta did. "Why?" And then, "Do you really not? Really?"
"I really don't."
"But... why?" Yuuta couldn't at all understand how someone could not love one of their parents. It was wrong, wasn't it? Disrespectful? It seemed so unlike aniki!
"Why? Saa..." Shuusuke gazed at Yuuta, taking in every feature of his face carefully, before saying, slowly, as if he was choosing every word with great delicacy, "... I don't think I'm ever going to be able to forgive him, for..."
But there then came a knock at the door, and the latter half of aniki's sentence was lost as Yumiko let herself in, and before Yuuta knew it, they had left for home and it was time to go down to dinner.
Aniki had said he'd call him later, with a wink that Yumiko had missed but Yuuta most definitely had not. It worried him that the wink had made him think of his sexy levels again; did aniki really pay attention to things like that? And, more pressingly, did aniki really think things like that? Yuuta didn't like the way his ears went warm whenever he started wondering if aniki actually thought of him as sexy – was he abnormal to react to it with anything but shock or disgust? It was probably a question one of his senpai could answer, but Yuuta didn't think he wanted to ask, as he kind of sort of already knew what they'd say, unless maybe he talked to Kisarazu-senpai, and even then...
Why did aniki always make it impossible to think about anything other than him, even when he wasn't there! He was going to spend all evening wondering whether calling him later meant tonight or sometime tomorrow, and what they'd talk about when aniki did call. Would aniki say strange things again? Would he know that Yuuta was blushing, if he did? That probably wouldn't be good.
Should Yuuta ask what he was going to say about their father before Yumiko interrupted? He really didn't know about that. Maybe he was better off not knowing. In fact, he was definitely better off not knowing, just because it was something to do with aniki, but there was no way he couldn't ask now, especially because he had the impression that Yumiko knew about it too.
Did Yumiko know that aniki kept calling him sexy? Yuuta hoped not. It was the sort of thing that should be kept just between brothers, not that Yuuta wanted it there at all, of course.
Did aniki hope for Yuuta to call him sexy back one day? Yuuta probably hoped not. He was saved from these questions, though, by Mizuki knocking, entering without an answer (Yuuta would have to work on this. What if he'd walked in while aniki had had a hand on his leg?) and then inviting him down to dinner. Yuuta was never so troubled that he lost his appetite, and his stomach approved; all this thinking was tough work, and an afternoon with aniki was enough even on its own to make him go back for seconds. The good thing about St Rudolph was that there was always seconds, even of apple pie. It wasn't his sister's raspberry pie, but Yuuta was happy to take any and all pie that came his way, unless aniki made it for him. It was common sense not to trust food that came from aniki.
In the end, Yuuta did decide against asking about brothers and sexiness, because Mizuki-senpai, he knew, was perceptive enough to see through him even if he posed it as rhetoric, but he thought he was safe with the topic of fathers.
"Mizuki-san," he said, after they'd sat down at Mizuki's favourite table (a small one in the far corner, well out of the way of the louder students) and Mizuki had ceremoniously brought out his own personal ornamental chopsticks. "Why would someone not love their father?"
Mizuki looked thoughtful. "Hmm, many reasons, Yuuta-kun. Why do you ask? Are you having family problems? I'm glad you came to me, if you do. I'll help you with anything I can, you know that, don't you?"
It was unfortunate that Mizuki's last sentence paralleled one of aniki's earlier (why was everyone in his life so very eager to help him with absolutely everything? It seemed strange), as it set Yuuta's mind off in directions he didn't want to return to just yet, but he managed to reel it back in before any outward physical signs manifested themselves embarrassingly.
"Not really problems..." Yuuta said. "Not me, anyway. It's... aniki. He said something today about it. He said – what was it he said – he said that he could never forgive him for something, but he had to go before he explained it."
"That must be troubling for you to think about," Mizuki mused, delicately playing with his rice while Yuuta eyed the pie that was waiting for him; both his and the plate that Mizuki would inevitably give him if he looked doleful enough at having finished his own. Yuuta would never eat dessert first, though, so he could only watch it while he ate, to make sure it didn't disappear anywhere.
Mizuki took a sip of water and then continued. "Family is a complicated thing; I suppose you've already had your share of experiences with that. I... hmm. I cannot profess to have all the answers, but as one who has crossed paths with your brother – don't look at me like that, Yuuta – as one who has crossed paths with your brother, I'd perhaps venture that he has no love for those who have maybe done you wrong, be it accidental or otherwise."
Yuuta needed a moment to process that, so he took the biggest mouthful of rice he could manage – which was a surprising amount, and distracted him temporarily by making him wonder how big mouths were actually supposed to be when you were thirteen – and nodded, to acknowledge what Mizuki had said. Conversations at meal times were the best kind: if you had nothing to say, you could eat instead, and nothing was awkward like it was when he was expected to say things when aniki called him sexy, or worse. They were never eating when aniki said things like that, but Yuuta was almost glad, even if it meant uncomfortableness on his part, because that was better – so much better – than their parents being present. But now he was thinking about aniki again!
He swallowed, not quite in panic but not quite ready for it either – he had reflexes that would just happen when he noticed, belatedly, that his thoughts had moved back to his brother. It was something that Mizuki would probably describe as "troubling", if he ever knew about it, which was something that, Yuuta was most sure, would never happen.
"So you think that aniki thinks father has done something bad to me in the past, and that's why he doesn't love him?" 'Troubling' was fast becoming a word that Yuuta identified with. He really couldn't think how this could make sense at all – he'd have noticed if there was something that his father had done wrong, wouldn't he? And if there had been, it would be him who felt resentment, wouldn't it, not aniki? Maybe. Aniki's thought processes were usually strange and unfathomable, but Mizuki-senpai seemed to understand a little better than he did. Mizuki-senpai was older than he was, though.
"I would say that it's a possibility, yes." Mizuki twirled his hair round his finger absent-mindedly as he considered. "There are things we cannot see, and things we do not know, and I would think that, even if you are unable to understand right now" – Yuuta started to say something (how had he known he didn't understand?) but Mizuki cut him off with a wave of his hand – "I can read your face, Yuuta" – and then continued: "I would think that it will make itself clear in time. You could always ask him, of course, but it seems you are hesitant to do so, am I right?"
Yuuta nodded. He was surrounded by people who were uncannily eager to help him and people who always seemed to know what he was thinking! They were people who gave him charity pie, though, so it was perhaps worth the fleeting feelings of being out of his depth. It was definitely worth it right now as Mizuki slid what had, until just now, been his own pie over to Yuuta's waiting spoon. He'd have to reply before it would be polite to eat it, though.
"I don't want to ask him, because..." Why didn't he want to ask him? Because he knew aniki wouldn't tell him, after the moment was gone? Because he knew, somehow, that the answer would deepen the bizarre love that connected them further than it ought?
"Because I don't think he'd give me a straight answer, and I'd get mad, and then I'd never find out," Yuuta settled on. Pie awaited.
Later, when he got back to his room, he locked the door (he didn't want Mizuki walking in on anything else that might happen tonight) and immediately went to check his mobile phone for messages, not sure if he was hoping for something or nothing, but very sure that it was probably bad for him to be rushing to check like this.
There was one message.
It was from Nomura.
"Do you still have my game?"
Yuuta let out a sigh of something – relief, disappointment, who knew anymore – and texted back "No, Yanagisawa-senpai took it", and then threw his phone onto the bed, not bothering to watch where it bounced. Sitting down at his desk, he then wished he hadn't, because the love letters aniki had found earlier had been left there right in front of him, and he was right back to the beginning of the aniki loop again now.
What sort of brother sent a sibling love letters anyway? It wasn't fair; why did he have to deal with this sort of thing? He bet that no one else in the whole school was spending their Saturday night thinking about kissing their own brother, but but but then neither was he! Where had that come from! That hadn't even been in those letters, so there was no excuse except insanity, and aniki getting to him. He'd been betrayed by his own brain!
Just as he was seriously considering knocking his head a few times against the desk to wake himself up from whatever fog aniki had conjured around him, Yuuta's phone beeped and then vibrated off the bed, falling into the metal bin at its foot with a hollow clang. His heart was now beating this fast because of the loud noise and the surprise, of course.
There was one message.
It was from aniki.
"Are you thinking about me?"