Yuuta's heart was beating uncomfortably fast now; how did aniki know? Did he know he'd been thinking about kissing him, even if he hadn't meant to think it at all? In fact, why had he been thinking about kissing aniki? It wasn't as if he actually wanted to. At all. Yuuta knew very little about kissing, and it looked kind of stupid, really – a bit wet and messy, and probably boring; so why was he interested in what aniki would taste like, and what his mouth would feel like? Why was aniki different to everyone else? Wait – why was he even thinking this at all? It was as if aniki was making him think these things on purpose, as part of some grand scheme to break him down. To break him down for what, Yuuta didn't quite know, but if it involved 'sexy' somewhere, it was bound to be bad news.
He was going to have to reply to this message. If he didn't, then aniki might assume that he wasn't in and wouldn't phone him up tonight after all; and even though Yuuta was a bit afraid of what kind of conversation they could end up having, there was something within him that really wanted to talk to him again. Whether it was to find out what he was thinking about their father, or to find out what aniki's thoughts were, or even just to see whether aniki would flirt with him again, Yuuta found himself feeling just a little excited at the prospect of receiving a call. His mind and his emotions were in complete conflict, but the resulting feeling, though this worried him, was surprisingly pleasant, as if he had something exciting and positive to occupy his time with now, when before there had only been trivialities.
How was he supposed to reply, though? Aniki would see right through a blunt "No", and Yuuta never really felt happy about lying outright anyway, so that wouldn't do, but neither would a straight out "Yes". Making things that easy for aniki was practically an invitation for... for, well, whatever it was that aniki wanted. Yuuta didn't know quite what it was, but he didn't think he was ready to invite aniki to do anything to him just yet.
Just yet? He meant 'ever', of course.
Perhaps he could call aniki's bluff. Aniki thrived on catching people off-guard, so maybe Yuuta could surprise him and do the same. That never happened, so there was no way aniki would be expecting it... if anything, he'd be expecting a flat-out denial. It seemed like a good plan.
"I'm thinking about kissing you. ;)"
The wink was very important, even if he was just calling aniki's bluff.
Except, oh shit, this really wasn't seeming like such a good idea anymore. His phone had beeped back almost straight away, and the message was:
"Tongues or no?"
What was he meant to say to that! Why had he even thought joking with aniki was a good idea! Had he completely lost it today? Why hadn't he just said "No" and let things happen as they normally did? That was safe, and easy, and never involved tongues at all!
There was no way he could backtrack over this by saying he'd sent it to the wrong person, which would have been the most convenient thing, even if it wasn't true. What could he do to limit the damage?
"Not at all, stupid aniki. Why would anyone want to do that?"
That sounded okay. It sounded normal.
"I can show you, when you come home. It feels really good, and I like the idea of you feeling good, Yuuta..."
That didn't sound normal. In a fit of panic, Yuuta fumbled and deleted all the messages aniki had sent him today, in case anyone ever decided to snatch his phone from him for fun. What if a teacher ever confiscated it? He didn't want a talking to from the lovely, well-meaning, but ultimately futilely-occupied nuns from the chapel about decent family relations! He didn't think a talking to would be enough to stop his stomach from jumping at aniki promising to make him feel good.
Oh God, what was going on? He didn't want aniki to kiss him, and he most certainly didn't want to be anywhere near aniki's tongue, but his body, as well as his brain, was betraying him. It had been a while since he'd reacted like this to something someone had said to him, and it had just been a text message! It would be terrible if aniki had whispered it into his ear or even just said it out loud... but not actually terrible at all, if the single drop of liquid fire that suddenly heated him inside was any sort of sign.
Which it most definitely wasn't.
"I don't want you to show me anything at all! Go show someone else, or kiss your pillow or something. I can make myself feel good without you."
That had been a bad thing to say, though.
"Yes, and there isn't a day that goes by without my thinking about it... ;)"
The wink wasn't enough to assuage Yuuta's disquiet here. He was hoping it didn't mean what he thought it meant, but that was always going to be a futile hope when it came to aniki. A more pertinent question would be: was aniki joking?
It would be safer to assume he was.
"Che, pervert. This conversation's getting stupid. Are you going to call me or not?"
Yuuta didn't know if he really wanted aniki to call him right now, though; he was too jumpy and flustered at present to deal with it very well at all, and that would be practically waving a white flag and admitting defeat right there and then. Maybe he'd do better after a calming shower or something, but no, taking his clothes off probably wasn't the best of ideas if he kept being attacked by images and thoughts of aniki.
He wasn't as relieved as he thought he'd be, though, when aniki replied:
"Perhaps not tonight... I'll call you tomorrow."
It was for the best, but he had been wanting to talk to him, weirdness aside. Yuuta could accept weirdness coming from aniki, even if he was only getting weirder recently.
Well, he'd thought he could accept weirdness, until his phone buzzed again.
"Think of me when you make yourself feel good tonight."
Yuuta put his phone down, very carefully, onto the table next to his bed, and then flumped face down onto his pillows, smothering himself seeming a very good idea for perhaps half a second or so until he needed to breathe. Moaning to himself, he gripped his head with his hands and wondered if there was any way he could possibly undo everything that had happened in the last ten minutes.
Aniki had to be joking. He had to be. It was too ludicrous and wrong for it to be anything but a joke in very bad taste. It was. It was it was it was. But the part of him that kept betraying him reminded him that even he was starting to think about kissing his brother, and if that was happening, then it was entirely possible that aniki could be truly thinking the same, but without the chagrin that Yuuta was experiencing with it. And that would be dangerous.
But it was possible.
Moaning again, Yuuta found himself wondering what the hell he was supposed to do now. A normal person would be able to forget all about today and just get on with their homework, or wander down to the TV lounge and watch car chase shows, or settle down with their PlayStation and blow some things up, but all Yuuta could think of to do was keep lying face-down on his bed and hope that the universe would reset itself if he pleaded strongly enough.
Why hadn't he thought more carefully about what he'd been saying? It wasn't entirely his fault, since aniki twisted everything, but he could have provided him with less fodder for it. He could feel his cheeks getting warm as he saw the line asking him to think about him dancing across his eyelids. Stupid aniki. How could he possibly have said that? And wasn't it selfish of him, to say that so that Yuuta couldn't do... that, tonight, if he didn't want to think about aniki while he did? It was definitely selfish. Definitely. He could feel his body agreeing, and that was selfish too, because he wasn't supposed to be feeling like this! He wasn't supposed to be lying on his bed on a Saturday night feeling too warm because his brother had sent him suggestive text messages.
Maybe he should send a message back saying "Stop it" and hope that he would. But, against everything that seemed good and right in the world, he didn't really want that at all. He didn't know if he wanted aniki to keep saying things like this to him, but he didn't think he wanted him to stop completely, either; it seemed too final, somehow, as if a door that Yuuta might want to step through later would slam shut on him. He played a lot of video games, and you just couldn't leave any areas unexplored – there might be hidden treasure there.
Not that there could possibly be any good in that particular door. There shouldn't be a door there in the first place – it should be a smooth, well-textured wall, simple in its being and not at all a temptation for nervous heroes.
In the game of their lives, Aniki was a dragon. Or, no – he was too subtle to be a dragon. Maybe a... well, maybe he was one of those sexy female generals who always ended up betraying you. But that was wrong. Oh so wrong. He was not imagining aniki in red leather.
Yuuta allowed himself one last groan into his pillow, and then pulled himself up slowly, deciding that he couldn't allow himself to do any more thinking tonight. He'd maybe play a game that had no human characters in it at all for a while, until he'd calmed down enough to be seen in public, and then he'd go down and see if Yanagisawa was in the TV lounge. Talking to Yanagisawa would nullify any unwanted thoughts of aniki completely. That's what he hoped, anyway; if that didn't work, he really had a problem, and it would be made all the worse by the fact that the only person in the entire world who he could talk to about it would be aniki. Not even Mizuki-san would be able to help him, and a world in which Mizuki-san couldn't help him was a scary, scary place, because Mizuki knew everything.
Everything but this.
No one could know about this.
After tonight, though, Yuuta would have worked it all out of his system, tomorrow would be another day, and there would be no more 'this'.
That night, he had dreams about Yanagisawa in red leather, and Mizuki flying space ships that were escaping from the intergalactic police. Space morphed into a castle, though, and there was aniki in red leather, and when he woke up, gasping, there was a new message on his phone, saying "Enjoy your dreams, Yuuta".
Yuuta had to hope that aniki didn't know he'd enjoyed the last one too much.