Choices

Choice forty four: James

The bitch, she played me all these years and I never realised it. I should have known something was up when she didn't want to go public with our relationship but that didn't even occur to me, but then again who would have thought that Lily would date two guys at once.

Its been a month since she came clean with me and I haven't seen her once in that time I know my friends suspect something but I doubt that they'll even believe the truth if they knew it. It is making things difficult what with Scarlett and Remus dating but Lily hasn't come around once.

I know that she wanted to get things out in the open and I admire the fact that she came clean and told me that she had been dating Snape as well as me, she didn't have to since it is obvious that she wanted to end things with Snape and stay with me but I'm glad that she did come clean.

I can't forgive what she's done to me; I feel like someone has punched me continuously in the stomach her betrayal is so bad. And yet I know that she wasn't betraying me as much as Snape since she was dating him first.

No matter how much I hate her at the moment I can't get over the fact that I'm miserable without her. Sirius has been keeping me updated on what she's doing and he reckons she's worse than I am. I hate feeling this way.

If someone had ever told me a woman would make me feel like this one day I'd have told them they were insane that I would never let a woman get so close as to be able to hurt me. Lily has penetrated all the defences I thought I had around me.

I know that forgiveness will not come easily and that I won't be able to trust her for a long time but she's already in my heart and I can't get her out of there, I've tried loads of things already. I've been out on dates but they always ended up the same, I'd spend the date daydreaming about Lily and how these girls were nothing like her.

Then I tried alcohol, I so drank Pete under the table and yet that didn't make me feel better, I spent the night telling Sirius how much I loved Lily and that I want to be with her, of course I didn't remember any of this in the morning but Sirius did.

I know that there's really only one thing that I can do and that's try to work things out with her, because without her I'm useless. I'm not sure how our relationship is going to turn out but I felt that we were strong, and I loved being with her.

The truth really is that I love Lily and I want her to be in my life for all eternity I can't not have her around now that I've had her with me so long. It isn't going to be easy I'm not stupid enough to think that things will be like they were before, but I love her and the choice is easy, I want her in my life and I'm sure she wants me in hers.