Letters from Home
This is set just after the episode "Hunters".
Captain's personal log Stardate 1.2345.6789
The crew is in high spirits after receiving letters from home through the alien relay. I'm glad to see them so happy, because I'm feeling very conflicted right now. Mark sent me a Dear John letter. I guess I should have expected it, and I'm not really upset by it. I don't have feelings for him anymore, and I haven't for a while, but he was a convenient excuse for attempting to avoid the feelings I do have for someone else...Someone it is entirely inappropriate for me to have feelings for.
Before Captain Janeway could continue, the door to her quarters chimed. "Enter."
It was Lt. Commander Tuvok. "Tuvok! It's good to see you. Come in. Would you like some tea? What can I do for you?"
"I need someone to talk to, and you're my closest friend. This is very personal."
Janeway motioned over toward her couch. "Have a seat. What's on your mind?"
"I received a letter from T'Pel yesterday. She told me that Sek and his wife just had their first child. I am now a grandfather."
"Congratulations, Tuvok! That's wonderful."
"That is not all that the letter said. T'Pel told me that when Voyager was declared lost, and she thought that I was dead, she decided that it would be the logical course of action for her to take a new mate. About six months ago, she did. She is expecting his child, and so when she found out that I was alive, she said that a divorce would be logical."
Janeway put her hand on Tuvok's arm to comfort him. She knew what one of those letters feels like, but Tuvok's situation was worse. She had only lost her fiance. Tuvok had lost his wife of roughly 70 years.
"Oh, Tuvok. I'm so sorry. This must be terribly difficult for you." She was going to give him a little comforting hug, but thought better of it. She didn't want to be misinterpreted.
"Indeed it is, but not for the reason I would have expected. I would have expected to experience a sense of loss. After all, T'Pel and I were married for a long time. However, I feel nothing."
"Vulcans aren't supposed to feel emotion," said Janeway. She knew that Vulcans feel emotion, but that they simply do not express it. She also knew that underneath that cold exterior, Tuvok is a sensitive soul.
"Kathryn, we've been friends for many years. You know better than that. I should have felt sadness. The only thing I feel is guilt."
"Tuvok, it's not your fault! I'm the one who sent you on the undercover mission to infiltrate Chakotay's ship. I'm the one who got us stranded in the Delta Quadrant. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine." Captain Janeway's reaction surprised her more than it surprised Tuvok.
"I don't feel guilt for being away from T'Pel, and I don't hold you responsible for that separation, either. I knew the risks when I joined Starfleet. I feel guilt because I realized that I'm not in love with T'Pel anymore, and that I haven't been in love with her for a few years. I care about her, but, only as I would care about a sister or a friend. I feel guilty for feeling relief, when I should be feeling sadness at this news."
Janeway was shocked, but she did not allow her face to betray her. Tuvok had always been so devoted to his wife. She wondered what could have happened to change this. Just as she was about to speak, Tuvok's com badge beeped.
Chakotay's voice could be heard. "Tuvok to the bridge!"
Tuvok responded, "On my way, Sir!"
With the conversation unfinished, Tuvok left. Duty calls.
Captain's personal log, continued
I just had a conversation with Tuvok that complicates matters even further. T'Pel has divorced him, and he realized that he hasn't been in love with her for a few years. This makes me wonder what caused him to fall out of love.
Now I don't have the excuse of Tuvok being a married man as a protection against my feelings. When he was fused with Neelix in the transporter accident a few years ago, and I was faced with the prospect of losing him, I realized that the pain was more than just losing my best friend. I realized that I was in love with him and had been for some time. I vowed that I would never let him know, because I have the utmost respect for T'Pel, and I would never want to jeopardize their marriage.
These letters from home have certainly brought an upheaval. Yesterday, I was engaged to a man I don't love, and I was in love with a married man. Mark and T'Pel were both standing between any chance of a relationship with Tuvok. Now, they have both stepped out of the way. However, none of this is a guarantee that Tuvok feels the same way about me that I do about him. I should probably just leave it alone.